I went looking for a rubber band today, and found one. It now is around my wrist in case I need it.
I am stopping SI.
It's still not for me. It's for Jarrod.
And I don't know if it will be successful.
Four years, and I haven't stopped for any longer than a few months. I think July to December - 5 months - was the longest I've gone without SI'ing at all, back in 2006. Remarkable, considering that that was stopping cold turkey.
But still. Five months is not good enough. This is going to be forever.
This is going to be hellishly hard and I'm going to need support.
Distraction ideas, anyone?
I have a safe place set up where no pain, no anger, no fear, no worry, and no sharp things are permitted. Nothing self destructive, no self destructive thoughts, no self hate, no eating disordered thoughts. If I can keep it that way, it will be perfect.
...
Today has been okay, I suppose. The last day of my work week... sixth week, who can believe it?
Jarrod and I decided to nix the trip in August (we were going to meet his family) and will be going in December instead. Call us stupid, because his folks are from Minnesota, but it makes a lot more sense for a number of reasons.
So that makes me happy. I don't have to worry about meeting people just yet!! Yey!! I suck at meeting people, and while I can hide my nervousness from the college trad crowd and younger (except for the extremely astute ones), hiding it from people older than college trads... well, that doesn't work too well. And I hate people seeing that I'm nervous, because that means I'm weak.
I think I'm getting fatter.
I am in an anti-person mood right now. And also an anti-April mood. Ugh. Ugh, ugh ugh ugh.
Weird to think that in a matter of months, I'm going to be married.
I am definitely getting fatter. I must've put on five pounds today.
The mirror hates me, hates me, hates me hates me hates me.
Oh, did I mention that in that safe place, no mirrors are allowed either?
I am stopping SI.
It's still not for me. It's for Jarrod.
And I don't know if it will be successful.
Four years, and I haven't stopped for any longer than a few months. I think July to December - 5 months - was the longest I've gone without SI'ing at all, back in 2006. Remarkable, considering that that was stopping cold turkey.
But still. Five months is not good enough. This is going to be forever.
This is going to be hellishly hard and I'm going to need support.
Distraction ideas, anyone?
I have a safe place set up where no pain, no anger, no fear, no worry, and no sharp things are permitted. Nothing self destructive, no self destructive thoughts, no self hate, no eating disordered thoughts. If I can keep it that way, it will be perfect.
...
Today has been okay, I suppose. The last day of my work week... sixth week, who can believe it?
Jarrod and I decided to nix the trip in August (we were going to meet his family) and will be going in December instead. Call us stupid, because his folks are from Minnesota, but it makes a lot more sense for a number of reasons.
So that makes me happy. I don't have to worry about meeting people just yet!! Yey!! I suck at meeting people, and while I can hide my nervousness from the college trad crowd and younger (except for the extremely astute ones), hiding it from people older than college trads... well, that doesn't work too well. And I hate people seeing that I'm nervous, because that means I'm weak.
I think I'm getting fatter.
I am in an anti-person mood right now. And also an anti-April mood. Ugh. Ugh, ugh ugh ugh.
Weird to think that in a matter of months, I'm going to be married.
I am definitely getting fatter. I must've put on five pounds today.
The mirror hates me, hates me, hates me hates me hates me.Oh, did I mention that in that safe place, no mirrors are allowed either?
