Feels like I will never win this battle. (Do I really want to?)
Tonight is a triggered night. Very bad. I miss cutting... I miss it so d**n much. My whole body is buzzing, waiting for the pain to come and take the energy and stress away. And it would, too. Except I would feel horrible, since it would be completely disobeying the rules my parents by which want me to abide as long as I live here with them.
Tomorrow I can cut. As long as I tell myself that, I will be okay for tonight.
I don't think that anyone who has not gone through something like this can understand just how strong urges to self injure are. It is as if I am trying to wreck the one body that I have. Anything that I can do to physically harm my body, I will do it. I have OD'd. I have cut (and cut and cut and cut...). I have burnt. I have scratched. I have bitten.
I just need to get out. Get away from all of this.
I'm worried what SI will do to our marriage, when J&I do get married (less than a year now!). That is, if I am still struggling with it. I hope it doesn't ruin our relationship, but I don't see how it would, bc Jarrod is not going to cause a fuss over it. He hates me doing it, and he hates that I feel that I have to do it, but he can't lay down rules like my parents can, and won't. I don't know what he would do if he saw me SI'ing in the apartment.... probably try to stop me by gentle restraint... God knows that I can't understand what Jarrod is going through as I do this to myself. I can't grasp not understanding SI. Bc I am so used to it.
Four years. As long as I've known Jarrod. He actually knew me about 2 months before I started SI'ing (we met 7 October in the chatbox of the old CF, I started SI'ing on 10 December 2004)... funny, bc I have come so far since then, in both good and bad ways.
I need to go hide somewhere and get out of my head!
Tonight is a triggered night. Very bad. I miss cutting... I miss it so d**n much. My whole body is buzzing, waiting for the pain to come and take the energy and stress away. And it would, too. Except I would feel horrible, since it would be completely disobeying the rules my parents by which want me to abide as long as I live here with them.
Tomorrow I can cut. As long as I tell myself that, I will be okay for tonight.
I don't think that anyone who has not gone through something like this can understand just how strong urges to self injure are. It is as if I am trying to wreck the one body that I have. Anything that I can do to physically harm my body, I will do it. I have OD'd. I have cut (and cut and cut and cut...). I have burnt. I have scratched. I have bitten.
I just need to get out. Get away from all of this.
I'm worried what SI will do to our marriage, when J&I do get married (less than a year now!). That is, if I am still struggling with it. I hope it doesn't ruin our relationship, but I don't see how it would, bc Jarrod is not going to cause a fuss over it. He hates me doing it, and he hates that I feel that I have to do it, but he can't lay down rules like my parents can, and won't. I don't know what he would do if he saw me SI'ing in the apartment.... probably try to stop me by gentle restraint... God knows that I can't understand what Jarrod is going through as I do this to myself. I can't grasp not understanding SI. Bc I am so used to it.
Four years. As long as I've known Jarrod. He actually knew me about 2 months before I started SI'ing (we met 7 October in the chatbox of the old CF, I started SI'ing on 10 December 2004)... funny, bc I have come so far since then, in both good and bad ways.
I need to go hide somewhere and get out of my head!
