Well, I'm back from the trip to Wisconsin (getting my grandparents' house ready for sale).
Things were a bit better on the trip. Not a lot, but a bit. I wasn't thinking of killing myself the whole time, so that's gotta count for something, right? [/sarcasm]
Let's see if I can talk about something normal for a change, since we all know that SI and SUI and ED aren't normal. [/sarcasm]
Okay. Normal. Remind me what that is, again?
I have been working at neatening up my room, for a change. I have stacks of books and old schoolwork in most of the free area (okay, so not quite, there's enough room for me to lie down on the floor, stretched out, in two spots) and I was trying to put some of the books on the floor onto my bookshelf (an entire wall of my room). Yes, I am a bookworm. If you don't know that by now, I am a little worried. (Then again, that's only if you've kept up with my old blog on here. I've not talked a lot about books on here yet.)
It's cool in my bedroom - lovely since outside it's 94'F today - crazy for early June. I hole up down there for awhile, with books, journal, some sort of drink, and music, and just hang out. Haven't done that for awhile, though, bc my room reminds me of the "bad days," when I stayed up nights to cut before bed, where I exercised to the most pumping music that I had...
Blah. No good to remember that. That's going away from the normality of which I was speaking (or, attempting to).
...
Okay, so I give up. Normality does not come naturally to me.
I have been writing poems a bit lately, but not as much as I could. Mania hasn't been here to guide me in awhile and it's hard to come up with ideas otherwise. But I'm working on it. I may post a poemling or two once I get them fixed up, although it's more comforting to post them in the bipolar forum in the creative writing & art thread, bc then I know that I will get feedback on them. So go there if you want to read some (I've only posted one so far, but may post more).
I'm pretty tired. Thinking has worn my head out lately.
I really feel kind of haphazard these past weeks. I'm going back to my old routine of work and being alone on the job... where I scratch until I bleed. I wish I could tell you that I care about it, that I want to change, but I'm going to have to change whether I want to or not, bc I can't hurt Jarrod. I've already hurt him more than enough, and I can't lie to him about it, bc that would wreck our relationship. I've only ever lied to him once, and I confessed a few hours later, bc I couldn't stand feeling like I betrayed him.
So there you have it. Changing whether I want to or not, bc it's what Jarrod wants. And since I'm in a relationship with him, a relationship that I am not going to give up, I am going to have to stop SI'ing. Have to. Yet... I don't see how that would be possible. God, help!!
It's okay to be sick, as long as I'm not malingering or glorifying it, right? I can still be bipolar and have moodswings, as long as I don't try to make the swings worse than they are, right? I can still have hard times, as long as I keep fighting, right? ACKK!!!!
I wish I were older and wiser. Of course, age doesn't necessarily bring wisdom. God, grant me wisdom to change the things I can and accept the things I can't...
...like bipolar. Swings or not, here I am.
And I still don't know if I want to die or live. D*mme. Wish I knew. And wish I didn't introspect so freaking much. It gets rather grating after awhile.
Things were a bit better on the trip. Not a lot, but a bit. I wasn't thinking of killing myself the whole time, so that's gotta count for something, right? [/sarcasm]
Let's see if I can talk about something normal for a change, since we all know that SI and SUI and ED aren't normal. [/sarcasm]
Okay. Normal. Remind me what that is, again?
I have been working at neatening up my room, for a change. I have stacks of books and old schoolwork in most of the free area (okay, so not quite, there's enough room for me to lie down on the floor, stretched out, in two spots) and I was trying to put some of the books on the floor onto my bookshelf (an entire wall of my room). Yes, I am a bookworm. If you don't know that by now, I am a little worried. (Then again, that's only if you've kept up with my old blog on here. I've not talked a lot about books on here yet.)
It's cool in my bedroom - lovely since outside it's 94'F today - crazy for early June. I hole up down there for awhile, with books, journal, some sort of drink, and music, and just hang out. Haven't done that for awhile, though, bc my room reminds me of the "bad days," when I stayed up nights to cut before bed, where I exercised to the most pumping music that I had...
Blah. No good to remember that. That's going away from the normality of which I was speaking (or, attempting to).
...
Okay, so I give up. Normality does not come naturally to me.
I have been writing poems a bit lately, but not as much as I could. Mania hasn't been here to guide me in awhile and it's hard to come up with ideas otherwise. But I'm working on it. I may post a poemling or two once I get them fixed up, although it's more comforting to post them in the bipolar forum in the creative writing & art thread, bc then I know that I will get feedback on them. So go there if you want to read some (I've only posted one so far, but may post more).
I'm pretty tired. Thinking has worn my head out lately.
I really feel kind of haphazard these past weeks. I'm going back to my old routine of work and being alone on the job... where I scratch until I bleed. I wish I could tell you that I care about it, that I want to change, but I'm going to have to change whether I want to or not, bc I can't hurt Jarrod. I've already hurt him more than enough, and I can't lie to him about it, bc that would wreck our relationship. I've only ever lied to him once, and I confessed a few hours later, bc I couldn't stand feeling like I betrayed him.
So there you have it. Changing whether I want to or not, bc it's what Jarrod wants. And since I'm in a relationship with him, a relationship that I am not going to give up, I am going to have to stop SI'ing. Have to. Yet... I don't see how that would be possible. God, help!!
It's okay to be sick, as long as I'm not malingering or glorifying it, right? I can still be bipolar and have moodswings, as long as I don't try to make the swings worse than they are, right? I can still have hard times, as long as I keep fighting, right? ACKK!!!!
I wish I were older and wiser. Of course, age doesn't necessarily bring wisdom. God, grant me wisdom to change the things I can and accept the things I can't...
...like bipolar. Swings or not, here I am.
And I still don't know if I want to die or live. D*mme. Wish I knew. And wish I didn't introspect so freaking much. It gets rather grating after awhile.
