I am still trying to figure myself out.
((I remember so many things, but how do I know that they really happened? I guess I could just go along with the game and pretend that they did happen, and be okay in my own little world once again...))
I have been struggling with SI recently... am feeling a little angsty over recovery and being "forced" to do it. I know, I know, I tell people that sometimes they need to recover for other people until they've had the chance to figure out that they want to recover for themselves.
Well, that chance has come to me - but I haven't realized it. I don't want to recover. I miss the old days, I miss the self hatred that boiled up in me, I miss being unmedicated, I miss being able to hate everyone and everything and not feel bad about it. So I'm a hypocrite. Your point being... ??
But no. I have to recover, bc Jarrod cries if I don't, bc my parents get upset, bc of this, bc of that. And - above all else - I have to pretend that I want to recover, bc otherwise even more people get even more hurt. I've never really admitted to Jarrod that I don't want to get better, but I am sure that he's guessed. I have the power to make my family fall apart, and God knows that I don't want to do that.
So overall, I really do feel like a vile person. I mean, who - who on earth, who has an ED, who is a SI'er, who has appointments week in and week out and medications three times a day and has been in therapy for 3 years... who doesn't want to get better?
(and a little voice says, "me.")
Since I still live in my parents' house, they set down ground rules. I am not allowed to cut in the house. I don't know what will happen if I do... something that they will figure out then, I suppose. But that fear is enough to keep me from doing it here, which is where I am most of the time. (I am seriously considering getting myself a new pair of blades, though, and cutting elsewhere, bc I need it.)
For a little while there, I consoled myself with the thought that after I get married, I can cut in my - our - own place. Yeah, right. Jarrod gets so upset if he knows that I've cut, and even if he doesn't mean to, he guilt-trips me into not cutting. (My whole family, my friends - they're all a bunch of guilt-trippers, whether on purpose or not. They make me feel bad enough about myself to stop cutting, simply for fear of their freakouts and disgust and disappointment in me, not bc of any desire on my part to get better.) So that's out. And that leaves campus - uni - as the only place where I can find the time I need, in bathrooms and the like, to cut as necessary.
God, God, what have I come down to?
As a SI'er of 4 years, I no longer think of cutting as disgusting, vile, etc. It's a friend. A friend that most people don't understand. If I'm careful, if the scars don't show (which most of mine do...), if if if... then it is okay, right?
To most people, wrong. (Drat them.)
I wish that it could just be accepted as a form of coping by people who don't know any other coping mechanisms. I don't know how to choose to want to choose to want to get better, if that makes any sense. I am really a mess as far as this goes, and I don't know many other coping mechanisms, other than the unhealthy ones of ED'd and SI behaviors. ("Unhealthy," they say. I says not... but I guess this is the time I quietly ignore the many times I've come close to cutting into my left arm's artery. Heh.)
And then I have to try and figure out where Christianity figures into all of this. I don't know. I can see where people would say it's wrong - only bc it is not widely accepted (but in this society - yeah right, like that matters - don't base judgment off what is and isn't accepted, to some degree anyway) and bc the Bible says to take care of your body bc it is a temple. I struggle with that last bit. Jarrod tried to compare it to other things that are "just plain wrong," according to him... but I don't get that. I really don't. Anyone care to enlighten me?
Actually, can I even call it struggling when I am really not fighting it with much that I have? when I just blithely accept it as part of my life? when I say that I don't want to recover? Can I?
God, Father, what is the matter with me?
I am such a wreck.
((I remember so many things, but how do I know that they really happened? I guess I could just go along with the game and pretend that they did happen, and be okay in my own little world once again...))
I have been struggling with SI recently... am feeling a little angsty over recovery and being "forced" to do it. I know, I know, I tell people that sometimes they need to recover for other people until they've had the chance to figure out that they want to recover for themselves.
Well, that chance has come to me - but I haven't realized it. I don't want to recover. I miss the old days, I miss the self hatred that boiled up in me, I miss being unmedicated, I miss being able to hate everyone and everything and not feel bad about it. So I'm a hypocrite. Your point being... ??
But no. I have to recover, bc Jarrod cries if I don't, bc my parents get upset, bc of this, bc of that. And - above all else - I have to pretend that I want to recover, bc otherwise even more people get even more hurt. I've never really admitted to Jarrod that I don't want to get better, but I am sure that he's guessed. I have the power to make my family fall apart, and God knows that I don't want to do that.
So overall, I really do feel like a vile person. I mean, who - who on earth, who has an ED, who is a SI'er, who has appointments week in and week out and medications three times a day and has been in therapy for 3 years... who doesn't want to get better?
(and a little voice says, "me.")
Since I still live in my parents' house, they set down ground rules. I am not allowed to cut in the house. I don't know what will happen if I do... something that they will figure out then, I suppose. But that fear is enough to keep me from doing it here, which is where I am most of the time. (I am seriously considering getting myself a new pair of blades, though, and cutting elsewhere, bc I need it.)
For a little while there, I consoled myself with the thought that after I get married, I can cut in my - our - own place. Yeah, right. Jarrod gets so upset if he knows that I've cut, and even if he doesn't mean to, he guilt-trips me into not cutting. (My whole family, my friends - they're all a bunch of guilt-trippers, whether on purpose or not. They make me feel bad enough about myself to stop cutting, simply for fear of their freakouts and disgust and disappointment in me, not bc of any desire on my part to get better.) So that's out. And that leaves campus - uni - as the only place where I can find the time I need, in bathrooms and the like, to cut as necessary.
God, God, what have I come down to?
As a SI'er of 4 years, I no longer think of cutting as disgusting, vile, etc. It's a friend. A friend that most people don't understand. If I'm careful, if the scars don't show (which most of mine do...), if if if... then it is okay, right?
To most people, wrong. (Drat them.)
I wish that it could just be accepted as a form of coping by people who don't know any other coping mechanisms. I don't know how to choose to want to choose to want to get better, if that makes any sense. I am really a mess as far as this goes, and I don't know many other coping mechanisms, other than the unhealthy ones of ED'd and SI behaviors. ("Unhealthy," they say. I says not... but I guess this is the time I quietly ignore the many times I've come close to cutting into my left arm's artery. Heh.)
And then I have to try and figure out where Christianity figures into all of this. I don't know. I can see where people would say it's wrong - only bc it is not widely accepted (but in this society - yeah right, like that matters - don't base judgment off what is and isn't accepted, to some degree anyway) and bc the Bible says to take care of your body bc it is a temple. I struggle with that last bit. Jarrod tried to compare it to other things that are "just plain wrong," according to him... but I don't get that. I really don't. Anyone care to enlighten me?
Actually, can I even call it struggling when I am really not fighting it with much that I have? when I just blithely accept it as part of my life? when I say that I don't want to recover? Can I?
God, Father, what is the matter with me?
I am such a wreck.
