Youth=immaturity??

[chava]

I will be the first to admit that my choices aren't always the most mature but how does being young have to do with imaturity and inexperiance. My problem here is I am a new mother with a now 8 month old little boy who is my world. As many of you might have already read I'm also 19. My fiance is 18. Everyone around us wants to raise our son for us (and with my fiance trying to feed my son chicken nuggets and french fries because he's got a tooth I can understand a little). But I'm doing just fine with him. I've read all the parenting books and am trying to build off of my parent's bad example and turn it around for a positive outcome. And because I've had a troubled past with both my parents on drugs and being in and out of foster care throughout my teen years somehow people equate it with being a bad mother and no one more than my soon to be inlaws. Everytime I say what I'm intending to do it's not right. I want my son to be off the bottle and pacifier by the age of one because he already has five teeth. The inlaws say keep him on the bottle until he's three. I want to get my son to quit co-sleeping so I don't have a five year old in my bed. The inlaws say they slept with their children until they were seven. My grandma says I don't dress him right for the weather when she puts three shirts and a coat on him for fall! My mom says I need to take more pictures of him when I just haven't had the money to get them developed and everyone is telling me to find a babysitter and get a job even though I want to be there for my son until he goes to preschool at three (which isn't supposed to be until he's four according to my aunt). My fiance is working and we're on section 8 housing so we're financialy stable. How do I get these people off my case just because I'm 19. I know how I want to raise my son!
I especially get mad at everyone who tells me (my inlaws my grandparents and my mom) that I have to spank my child to discipline him later on or he won't listen. I refuse to do that!
I'm just tired of it he's not sick, abused or dead I must be doing something right.

 

[atuck00]

I commend you for taking the time to learn so much about parenting and doing it right! I wish I could tell you there was a way to get them off your back but I'm not sure that there is a definite way. My only advice would be to say as calmly as possible, every time they give you advice you don't agree with, "Thank you for your input, but I have done my research and this is how I choose to do it." The more they hear it calmly, the more they will probably learn to accept it. People are always going to give you advice and sometimes you just need to learn to say thank you and continue to do things your own way. As for the spanking thing, plant your foot firmly and make it known that they will not get to spend alone time if they insist on spanking because it is something you do not believe in. The biggest thing is to make sure you make your point known without being insulting.

 

[Arclight610]

I don't necessarily think youth leads to immaturity. I've seen pretty immature older people, and the utmost maturity from 18-20 year olds.

 

[fuzzymel]

To be honest you would be getting the same interfering if you were in your thirties. With babies everyone has an opinion and everyone thinks they know best.

If your baby is happy and healthy then you are doing a good job. Thank the people for their advice and don't let it get you down.

 

[-~Truth_N_Trust~-]

lol, if you figure out how to get them off your case let me know!
this is not just an age issue, it's a them not transitioning into their new roles issue. It's hard for them to see you as a parent, and they're still a bit stuck in the older/wiser authority parent role rather than the supportive grandparent.

You do have to handle this with maturity, instead of being upset and passive agressive (which is what I tended to do...), learning to handle their intrusions and insinuations with grace is the best way. Basically, you don't have to justify yourself or your parenting to them, you are the parent and what you say goes. You are the one who is doing the work, you will be enforcing it, their opinions are just opinions and not really going to affect the real life with a child that you live.

I find that just smiling and nodding is a good way to take their advice- and change the subject.
If you need to say something, try something along the lines of, 'I know how much you love _, and how you want to see the best for him, I love you too and really value your relationship with him. Please know though, that I am his mom and while I appreciate and thoughtfully consider your advice, I really need your support when I decide to do it this way' - and then give practical ways they can support you. For instance, when your mom says to take more photo's, ask her if she would like to come over one afternoon and take some. Or if they tell you to get a job, say that you really feel it's important to stay home with your son, but if they would like to come and bring a meal to share with you that would be a great help.

But I've been married 5 years, I have two children, a 3 year old and a 7 month old, my husband turns 26 in a few months and we still get 'advice' - told how to raise our kids - so part of me thinks, get used to it!

 

[K9_Trainer]

To be totally honest, I don't think anybody ever fully matures. We all make stupid decisions and do stupid things once in a while, it has nothing to do with how old you are. But Lynn does have a point, the human brain isn't fully developed emotionally until late teens or early twenties.

The experience and advice of others can be valuable, but it's still your choice wether to take it or not. You are a mom now, follow your own instincts. If you do not feel that spanking is right for you, then don't do it. That's not true at all that if you don't spank, your child will never listen to you. Spanking is only one form of discipline. There are others that are just as effective. Personally, I won't spank my future children either. My mom never spanked me and it taught me how to be patient and find other ways to work out problems and that as the phrase goes, "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure".

If your offered advice you don't think you'll ever follow, just smile and thank them for their input anyway. If your given advice that doesn't make sense to you or you don't trust, then just don't take it. Do what makes sense to you.

 

[Quoth]

I will be the first to admit that my choices aren't always the most mature but how does being young have to do with imaturity and inexperiance.

The vast majority of young people (myself included) are inexperienced, and because their lives have been somewhat sheltered in some cases, that can lead to a great deal of immaturity. From what you describe of your past, you may not understand that because those schooled in hard knocks generally mature faster than those who have life handed to them on a veritable silver platter.

My problem here is I am a new mother with a now 8 month old little boy who is my world. As many of you might have already read I'm also 19. My fiance is 18. Everyone around us wants to raise our son for us (and with my fiance trying to feed my son chicken nuggets and french fries because he's got a tooth I can understand a little). But I'm doing just fine with him. I've read all the parenting books and am trying to build off of my parent's bad example and turn it around for a positive outcome. And because I've had a troubled past with both my parents on drugs and being in and out of foster care throughout my teen years somehow people equate it with being a bad mother and no one more than my soon to be inlaws. Everytime I say what I'm intending to do it's not right. I want my son to be off the bottle and pacifier by the age of one because he already has five teeth. The inlaws say keep him on the bottle until he's three. I want to get my son to quit co-sleeping so I don't have a five year old in my bed. The inlaws say they slept with their children until they were seven. My grandma says I don't dress him right for the weather when she puts three shirts and a coat on him for fall! My mom says I need to take more pictures of him when I just haven't had the money to get them developed and everyone is telling me to find a babysitter and get a job even though I want to be there for my son until he goes to preschool at three (which isn't supposed to be until he's four according to my aunt). My fiance is working and we're on section 8 housing so we're financialy stable. How do I get these people off my case just because I'm 19. I know how I want to raise my son!
I especially get mad at everyone who tells me (my inlaws my grandparents and my mom) that I have to spank my child to discipline him later on or he won't listen. I refuse to do that!
I'm just tired of it he's not sick, abused or dead I must be doing something right.

I'm not a parent, so no parenting advice from me. What I can tell you is that there will always be someone who wants you to do it differently, no matter what it is. You hit a nail with a hammer, someone says use a screwdriver. You bat with your right hand, someone says use your left. You say three months, they say two years. You say back off, and they get offended.

What're sometimes called "compliment sandwiches "usually work.

"Insert person's name here, I appreciate the fact that you care about me and my son. I can see by how insert their kid's name here (especially if it's your fiance who is their child) turned out that you have some really good advice. However, it's overwhelming and frustrating when I'm getting all this advice I didn't ask for. You can rest assured that if I have a question, I'll be sure to ask you. Until then, though, I'd appreciate your understanding that I will raise my son as my fiance and I see fit."

Be firm, but polite, even if you don't care for the person. If it's a complete stranger, then you can afford to be a bit more forceful:

"Thank you, but he's my son."

I have a co-worker who tries all the time to tell me how to do things that I've been doing six months longer than they have. I've unfortunately had to be very rude (not mean, just very blunt) to get through to them. For the sake of your in-laws, pull them aside so their hurt pride won't be an issue, and just politely tell them that you appreciate that they care, but their advice is unwanted.

 

[chava]

Thank you all for your input. It's just a little frustrating to have people telling me what to do with my own child. I guess I was venting because we're here at my inlaws for a week!!! lol it's actually not that bad they're great people.

BTW I had no idea they had an engaged icon. I'll check it out!

 

[HannahBanana]

I suggest you just try to ignore it. I've heard more stories about people meddling in parents' lives than you can imagine, and many of those stories were from people in their thirties (who had kids, of course). So I don't think that that's because of your age. I think it's just because some people can be like that. Some people just want to control everyone and everything around them. If their behavior is really getting on your nerves (as in, you can't ignore them even if you try), then try your hardest to cut off communication with them. Let them know that you only want them in your life if they can respect the fact that you can be a good, responsible parent without their help. After all, being a parent is stressful enough without having to add in the stress of having to deal with overbearing friends and relatives.

 

[Luther073082]

I think you should humbly listen to those people instead of being arrogent about it.

And those parenting books. Burn them, almost any experienced parent would tell you they are worthless.

Take the advice from experienced people.

And yes your young age does have something to do with it hon. You need to accept that there is people out there with a lot more wisdom then you on a lot of things including child rearing.

 

[Luther073082]

Any experienced parent.. of which you aren't one, I notice

My point is that you're sort of speaking here based on what you've -heard-. I have a 3 year old and I can tell you that parenting books have been a big, -huge- help. Perhaps some feel they are a waste of paper, but I can't imagine having gotten past even the first year without mine.

What I've heard directly from the mouths of experienced parents. Pretty much every parent that I've ever talked to has said those books are worthless.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I think you should humbly listen to those people

That is the most non-confrontational approach and one that if you have your parent filter on you can gain some good suggestions if you can filter out the bad ones.

And those parenting books. Burn them, almost any experienced parent would tell you they are worthless.

Take the advice from experienced people.

There are some parenting books that are worthy of my fireplace and not my bookshelf but others are a tremendous source of information by those experienced parents. Not all experienced people have good information to share either so . . . I mean things have changed a great deal from the time when grandma was pregnant and raising children. A lot is the same but a lot is different too.


You are going to get flak from people for your age. That's just the way it is. I was 21, married and in my senior year at college when I was pregnant with my first. You don't even want to know about the things that were said to me about being pregnant, raising children etc. Good news is it really does lessen with age. I'm 27 now and while my mil still makes suggestions I don't like or welcome the sharp accusing comments from strangers and acquaintances have virtually stopped.

 

[RachieCat]

It would bother me to have people question me and my parenting,I'd probably resort to staying quiet though.