Would You?

[Erinwilcox]

My husband and I were talking the other night about "being Reformed" and how it used to be the end all be all of our existence but now, while being at the very core of what we believe, we are much more inclined to embrace wholly those who are truly saved in other denominations as Christians with whom we want to fellowship (without arguing theology at every point).

My point to all of this is that I told him that I would still only marry someone who was Reformed in his theology (were I single and in this more open/Christian mindset) because it truly does, IMHO, play a vital role in the raising of one's children and because marriage is hard enough without major doctrinal differences.

Anyway, my sister, who is Reformed, is marrying a guy who . . . is not Reformed. We love him and he is an awesome guy to hang with, but I can't help but wonder if they will run into some snags down the road because of their differing views.

Thoughts? Obviously it isn't going to change anything for my sister, but I am curious as to whether or not anyone has dated/married someone not Reformed and if theological issues did come up because of the intimacy (meaning considering marriage not physical intimacy) of the relationship. Would you consider dating/marrying someone not Reformed?

 

[JM]

How convinced is your sister? Ultimately the husband will lead the home and if he is not Reformed he will introduce un-Reformed ideas to his wife and children. If your sister doesn't mind...how convinced is she?

 

[Erinwilcox]

Pretty convinced.

 

[JM]

Pretty convinced.

Will she allow her husband to teach things contrary to scripture, yielding to his headship, will she be submissive to his heterodoxy?

 

[Erinwilcox]

Will she allow her husband to teach things contrary to scripture, yielding to his headship, will she be submissive to his heterodoxy?

I don't know that either of them have thought that through. It sounds like they may be planning to attend a Reformed church, but unless it's like the church were we grew up (which is not an option, aside from the fact that it is no longer the same), then sermons solely on Reformed theology aren't going to happen very frequently, thus making the issue less evident less often.

 

[JM]

Personally, I wouldn't recommend it.

When I was married I had no idea of what theology was but I knew I was a believer. My wife has been given a sweet spirit and she has always allowed me to lead the family. We worked through our bad theology (and continue to do so) together but she always yields to me in these matters. That stated, I understand the HUGE responsibility this is and take great care in matters pertaining to our faith and practice. Will your sister yield to the headship of her husband and will the husband lovingly, patiently lead her in loving Christ?

 

[gord44]

We love him and he is an awesome guy to hang with.

And if your sister loves him then I don't see the problem. I don't know your sister or this guy, but it would be very sad if a loving relationship was brought to an end over theological differences.

 

[Erinwilcox]

Personally, I wouldn't recommend it.

When I was married I had no idea of what theology was but I knew I was a believer. My wife has been given a sweet spirit and she has always allowed me to lead the family. We worked through our bad theology (and continue to do so) together but she always yields to me in these matters. That stated, I understand the HUGE responsibility this is and take great care in matters pertaining to our faith and practice. Will your sister yield to the headship of her husband and will the husband lovingly, patiently lead her in loving Christ?

I don't know him well enough (they've been dating since after Christmas and are getting married in a month). He has shown leadership in their relationship in other areas, but I know that I, personally, would have trouble submitting to my husband teaching Arminian theology to my children no matter how lovingly he did it . . . which is why I couldn't have married anyone who wasn't Reformed. Since I don't think they've really discussed the issue much yet, I don't know how either will deal with it.

 

[JM]

Our purpose in life, everything in life, is to give glory to God. That means our whole lives, including our marriage, must be lived with this in mind. I’m not trying to be controversial or hurtful, but I do not understand how Arminianism does this. When I first believed it was after reading Romans and have not suffered from any Arminianism the way many Reformed Christians report. I wasn’t saved watching The Passion of the Christ, reading The Left Behind series or listening to a radio/TV preacher. Any and all theological confusion I have gone through was after conversion and I don't know why someone would willing commit to following a guide who (they believe) is blind.

 

[Anoetos]

Is he open to attending a Reformed church? If so, don't sweat it, the Lord will lead His people.

I married a Lutheran. She's a Presbyterian now.

 

[Eddie L]

I don't know him well enough (they've been dating since after Christmas and are getting married in a month). He has shown leadership in their relationship in other areas, but I know that I, personally, would have trouble submitting to my husband teaching Arminian theology to my children no matter how lovingly he did it . . . which is why I couldn't have married anyone who wasn't Reformed. Since I don't think they've really discussed the issue much yet, I don't know how either will deal with it.

There's more to the difference, though, than just what we teach to our children. There's how we interpret circumstances in our lives, how we address humility and idolatry, how we grow as a family unit in the spiritual depth of our relationship with Jesus. There are people who would teach like an Arminian that pray and live like Calvinists (just as there are people who teach Reformed theology but live like Pelagians). If your sister is marrying someone like that, things could go well. There is, however, a core philosophical difference that will exert itself in day-to-day matters that could cause problems. At the very least, this is worth a lot of discussion and consideration before the marriage takes place.

 

[Apologetic_Warrior]

There's more to the difference, though, than just what we teach to our children. There's how we interpret circumstances in our lives, how we address humility and idolatry, how we grow as a family unit in the spiritual depth of our relationship with Jesus. There are people who would teach like an Arminian that pray and live like Calvinists (just as there are people who teach Reformed theology but live like Pelagians). If your sister is marrying someone like that, things could go well. There is, however, a core philosophical difference that will exert itself in day-to-day matters that could cause problems. At the very least, this is worth a lot of discussion and consideration before the marriage takes place.

I want so much to be in a position of "headship" over my household. However, my wife and I have lived under my parents roof ever since we got married almost four years ago (the job situation is horrible, especially where I live). We live downstairs in what would be a nice two bedroom two bathroom apartment, except my brother and his wife live downstairs as well. I wish my sister-in-law were a Christian of any sort, but she does not want anything to do with God. I have to tolerate so much behavior that I would not, if it were my household. Probably what upsets me, more than anything is her frequent outbursts (especially if she is playing a video game) of using the Lord's name in vein. My wife and I have even mentioned our displeasure with it to her, but she seems to forget quickly...basically doesn't care. Of course, that is just one aspect of her behavior, I could mention a great deal more but then again, I'd rather not dwell on it. Let's just say, countless times, were it not for the grace of God, I could not have forgiven her, and truth be told, I am struggling with doing just that now. Please pray for my situation brother, as it is a difficult one, that I have little control over.

 

[bricklayer]

The most important thing about anyone is what they think of God.

Ask your future brother-in-law to describe a free-will and he will define a sovereign-will.

Who is sovereign and who is not are no small differences.

 

[Erinwilcox]

Just to clarify: this isn't about getting my sister to break up or even about my sister at all--I only mentioned her because she is doing it . . . I was just more curious as to everyone else's thoughts on whether or not they would do/have done it.

 

[Eddie L]

Just to clarify: this isn't about getting my sister to break up or even about my sister at all--I only mentioned her because she is doing it . . . I was just more curious as to everyone else's thoughts on whether or not they would do/have done it.

Well, for me it has been a great blessing to be able to walk with my wife and children in unity to our understanding of the way God's sovereignty works. We have gone through some very tough times together, and because we agree on how God operates we have been able to collectively see the hand of God in everything that has happened to us. It would have been so much more difficult having to pause or stagger in the middle of some of these circumstances as my wife pushes back on my understanding of grace and Providence. As a family, we have accepted that God is in every moment of our lives, that any spiritual fruit from us has been the result of grace, and that God is as involved in our struggles as He is in our victories.

Knowing all of this, I would not advise anyone who loves the doctrines of grace to marry someone who doesn't share that understanding. I'm not into rules and standards for their own sake, though, and would leave the individual decision to be worked out between a person and the Holy Spirit.

 

[Erinwilcox]

Well, for me it has been a great blessing to be able to walk with my wife and children in unity to our understanding of the way God's sovereignty works. We have gone through some very tough times together, and because we agree on how God operates we have been able to collectively see the hand of God in everything that has happened to us. It would have been so much more difficult having to pause or stagger in the middle of some of these circumstances as my wife pushes back on my understanding of grace and Providence. As a family, we have accepted that God is in every moment of our lives, that any spiritual fruit from us has been the result of grace, and that God is as involved in our struggles as He is in our victories.

Knowing all of this, I would not advise anyone who loves the doctrines of grace to marry someone who doesn't share that understanding. I'm not into rules and standards for their own sake, though, and would leave the individual decision to be worked out between a person and the Holy Spirit.

I agree. Going through trials and tribulations together is much easier when two are in agreement on how God works in our lives and in the lives of others. Husbands and wives are to encourage and remind each other of those things that we can forget in the difficult times, and the closer in harmony are your beliefs, the stronger you become together.

 

[GQ Chris]

No, I wouldn't want to date or marry someone who is not Reformed, I like the Reformed church I go to, and the Christ centered Theology. Too many churches nowadays just teach downright heresy or "how to live better now" with some Jesus on the side. Jesus to them is just a nice side attraction, and I can't stand that type of Contemporary Christian subculture.