Will I ever get over this?

[Jenster]

I seem to have a high need for people around me to be responsible, and it's caused me constant unhappiness all my life. It's messed with my relationships with people such that I don't know what's reasonable to expect anymore.

I grew up in a household with parents who provided materially for me and my siblings, but not much emotionally or in terms of wisdom or guidance. In fact, my mom herself seemed like she never felt emotionally supported by my dad. As a result (this is classic co-dependence!), I became exceedingly responsible.

I've struggled for a lot of my adult life with this issue, and I have come to the realization that I keep wanting people around me to be super responsible. I get upset (and feel "threatened" or anxious) when people are not 100 percent responsible. I work in management, so my job is especially hard on me, as many people are not that hard-working and I have to get after them.

Will I ever get over this? I had a counselor once who encouraged me to remember times I'd felt abandoned by people and to realize that Jesus was there in that moment – so although people failed me, Jesus didn't fail me. That helped, but I wish I could form some reasonable expectations of people. Without reasonable expectations, I am constantly disappointed and then I have a hard time loving others.

Can someone suggest ways I can get past this issue?


Also, can anyone tell me what are some reasonable expectations in relationships?

Thanks for any help you can offer.

 

[BFine]

Each person is different and handles responsibilities in their own way.
Don't end friendships over trivial matters.
If you have friend who is willing to work out problems that may rise in
the relationship...that's a friend worth holding onto.

Remember...No one is perfect except Jesus.
Make sure your expectations aren't unreasonable.
Be just, show mercy.

There are some people you have to keep at arm's length
because they are toxic...they don't want to work on issues/they
don't apologize nor do they want to make amends etc...they aren't
friendship material yet...some never are.

In my friendships I reasonably expect to be notified if a get together is going to
be cancelled or moved to a different location etc.
I expect to be notified but I don't raked them over the coals if they
got busy or distracted and forgot to call me.
If they continued to do that to me on a regular basis, I would speak with them
and find out why.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I work different places all the time with different crews. Most people are not driven to be especially responsible. To get the most out of them I take an interest in them and treat them with respect. It usually gets some effort out of them. I remember one person who was known for having a bad attitude and being lazy. She was recently switched to the store I had to work at. I learned how she thought the people in the other store were mean to her. To motivate her I told her, "Don't work too hard today or we'll make the store you came from look bad." She worked amazingly hard that day.

Try to accept people as they are and work with them to see what motivates them. Put them in areas where they naturally excel and your job managing them will be a piece of cake.

 

[Jenster]

In my friendships I reasonably expect to be notified if a get together is going to
be cancelled or moved to a different location etc.
I expect to be notified but I don't raked them over the coals if they
got busy or distracted and forgot to call me.
If they continued to do that to me on a regular basis, I would speak with them
and find out why.

Thank you, BFine. I see that you are reasonable in that you do not hold single instances against other people. And when you are disappointed with others, you talk with them about it. Your post reminds me that I need to remember (or figure out) what is important in friendships and to show grace over trivial matters.

 

[BFine]

I'm happy it was useful to you.

 

[Jenster]

I work different places all the time with different crews. Most people are not driven to be especially responsible. To get the most out of them I take an interest in them and treat them with respect. It usually gets some effort out of them. I remember one person who was known for having a bad attitude and being lazy. She was recently switched to the store I had to work at. I learned how she thought the people in the other store were mean to her. To motivate her I told her, "Don't work too hard today or we'll make the store you came from look bad." She worked amazingly hard that day.

Try to accept people as they are and work with them to see what motivates them. Put them in areas where they naturally excel and your job managing them will be a piece of cake.

Hi Autumnleaf. Thank you for your post and your perspective. You clearly have experience as well as a good way of managing people. I could learn a lot from you. This is off topic, but what if you have a person in a job that he does not naturally excel at, and there are no other jobs available in the department? How do you motivate that person to try harder???

On the subject of accepting people as they are -- whether co-workers or friends -- does anyone have thoughts or wisdom on how to do that? In addition to the excellent points made by BFine, of course.

I've gotten so mixed up in these false expectations that it's hard for me to just relax and enjoy people (again, I'm talking sadly but honestly). When I'm with people, sometimes I find myself annoyed (thinking, "Boy, this person is just rambling on and on and on") or bored or otherwise critical.

Things I do enjoy about people are: Good will, pleasant small talk, razor-sharp humor, kindness or thoughtfulness, interesting information.

 

[forGod1]

take their weaknesses and pray they become strengths.

 

[alatir]

I think your counselor was wise to try get you think about how Jesus is there always. I think expecting perfection from other people comes from some deep (even unconscious) assumption that the people around are the basis for your safety and happiness. This deep belief must change and then you will be able to give grace to other people because you know that God is in charge.

So think more how the Lord provides for you and pray Him to make it more clear to your heart.

 

[lutherangerman]

Be forgiving. It keeps us healthy inside and our love falls back on us and gives us peace, and then we can love others again, hopefully yet realistically.

 

[day time]

Do you feel as though you are entitled to expect others to pass muster with you ? Like .... it's your right for some reason to either expect it or demand it ?

Or do you feel as though others, or life, etc .... have a debt to pay which they owe you because your parents didn't pay what you thought they should have (emotionally, etc) ?

 

[Jenster]

I only have a minute to post right now, but I wanted to let you all know your advice is giving me a lot to think about and is helping me to (hopefully) see more clearly the root of my issue. I can't thank you enough.

 

[Jenster]

I think expecting perfection from other people comes from some deep (even unconscious) assumption that the people around are the basis for your safety and happiness. This deep belief must change and then you will be able to give grace to other people because you know that God is in charge.

This insight has struck me like a bolt of lightning, alatir. It's funny how one can look at an issue, analyze it, wrestle with it, but only when another person frames it, one suddenly understands it as if for the first time. It's as though I couldn't see the assumption, or see it in that light, with that connection to what I've been going through.

One thought I have in reaction is: "What? You mean I don't have to rely on people for my safety and happiness? I can be happy all on my own, with God as my anchor?" What a sense of freedom! I didn't realize how much control I was giving to other people (even though they didn't want it). It's like I believed the assumption was true or real, like gravity or any law of physics. I couldn't see it, but I believed it to be fact.

I am definitely going to have to pray about this. I don't want this realization to be short lived or shallow. Assuming this is wisdom from the Lord (and it sure is consistent with scripture) I need to learn and inwardly digest.

 

[paul1149]

Hi Jen,

I think often when a family is out of wack, the kids will internalize the stress and try to compensate in order to supply the lack. Maybe that's why you feel so responsible. I also think this happens often with oldest children.

The way to freedom is to realize that your family's problems were not your doing. It was your parents' job to deal with them. If you can do that, and at the same time forgive, you will find the freedom to mature out of this state.

Corresponding to that, it may pay to give some thought to your job. Are you taking too much responsibility there? Think about what you job description accurately is, and where your lines of responsibility end. If you can get clear on that, you may feel less pressure on yourself to get people moving (while at the same time retaining the right to do so within your proper sphere of authority).

 

[Jenster]

Hi Paul. I greatly appreciate your insights as well. I realize I've probably got some unforgiveness going on, as well as those well-worn reactions and patterns of viewing other people.

Good question about my job. I agree that there is probably some leeway there, and I am likely taking on more than is needed.

 

[alatir]

This insight has struck me like a bolt of lightning, alatir. It's funny how one can look at an issue, analyze it, wrestle with it, but only when another person frames it, one suddenly understands it as if for the first time. It's as though I couldn't see the assumption, or see it in that light, with that connection to what I've been going through.

One thought I have in reaction is: "What? You mean I don't have to rely on people for my safety and happiness? I can be happy all on my own, with God as my anchor?" What a sense of freedom! I didn't realize how much control I was giving to other people (even though they didn't want it). It's like I believed the assumption was true or real, like gravity or any law of physics. I couldn't see it, but I believed it to be fact.

I am definitely going to have to pray about this. I don't want this realization to be short lived or shallow. Assuming this is wisdom from the Lord (and it sure is consistent with scripture) I need to learn and inwardly digest.

I'm glad you were helped by my words. We always have some deep beliefs that affect our behaviour and expectations.

Somewhere deep in our hearts we think that God is not able to take care of us. Now when you realize this you can start seeking God and talk about this anxiety with Him. I think He will show how much He loves you and transform you inside out.

 

[StormHawk]

I seem to have a high need for people around me to be responsible, and it's caused me constant unhappiness all my life....
Thanks for any help you can offer.

You can't live other people's lives, you can only lead by example.
There is law and sanctions in place if people behave in a dangerous way and God wants to look after you ... it seems that your need for other people to behave themselves indicates a lack of faith/experience that God will do this - you feel threatened, you fear what might happen.

Time for you to be responsible for what you believe ... God will be responsible in keeping his promises ...

1) perfect love casts out fear, that love comes to us when we receive God's promised Spirit, evidenced by praying in tongues - Romans 5:5, Jude 20-21, Acts 2:4 etc.


2) Then you will have a daily, 2-way relationship with God, and you will experience:
"I will say of the LORD, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust.
Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler, and from the noisome pestilence.
He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust: his truth shall be thy shield and buckler.
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night; nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
Nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness; nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday. "
(Psalm 92)


3) God wants his people to be in fellowship, agreeing on these essentials for a good life, his life. Here's who I'm with.

 

[parsley]

I loved the insight you gave in the OP -- we don't always notice how experiences shape us. What is bane to you is also a marvel of human life -- that we adapt in ways that bring out strengths we might not have had. If you own it as striving for quality instead of seeing it as impatience, then there might be some freedom. Recognize how you are intelligent, diligent, a good problem-solver.

Maybe God has blessed you with more than many people you deal with; so would inevitably expect more of you. More skill, more diligence, more patience, quality oversight. We all need to humble ourselves, but also see our strong qualities as evident realities. Your strengths got you where you are today, and are good.

Then in our strengths, when we don't humble ourselves, we find ourselves upset with humbling situations. Your reputation is dependent on making sure others are effective... and you can't change them, so that becomes frustrating. Most of us find that God leads us through humbling in preparation for leadership... seeing what people go through. Or He allows us to be humbled when we don't choose to do it ourselves.

It might be a good time to take a Saturday hour to list weaknesses and strengths of your subordinates; but see some of the negatives as similar to what you went through as a child. People have health problems, abuse at home, robberies, busy children... and these things can cause them to be less committed at work, or at least appear that way. Sometimes they are so upset with being taken advantage of in one area of life, that they try to compensate with other areas -- like their workplace.

The sad fact is, many people do not put the effort in that we know they can. The laziness seems to be getting worse, but maybe that's my imagination. Jealousy leading to spite. Not seeing that it takes work to accomplish great feats.

More likely my naivety is fading as I age. I sometimes find myself approaching it with tighter rules -- but that seems to drive people further into passive resistance.

Have you ever thought of stepping sideways out of management and into a different type of role? Some companies have other responsibilities at admin level. Most companies have marketing/promotion tasks, where the person pours themselves into finding external solutions. Doing that, you would not be as responsible for what other people are doing, and could trust in your own skills. Counseling/interviewing roles can also be more autonomous, but those are sometimes a step below mgt.

 

[Isatis]

I get upset (and feel "threatened" or anxious) when people are not 100 percent responsible. I work in management, so my job is especially hard on me, as many people are not that hard-working and I have to get after them.

Your emotional response may turn off people who work for you and those around you. You should not feel "threatened" or "anxious" of get after your subordinates when performance falls short of your expected standards. Don't take it personally. Rather, see it as an opportunity to better your skills.

Standards of performance should be specific, measurable, achievable and realistic.

Two questions:
1) Are your "expectations" reasonable and consistent?
2) How do you monitor the performance of your staff?

You don't have to answer me, but at least ponder on those questions over the next few days.

Will I ever get over this? I had a counselor once who encouraged me to remember times I'd felt abandoned by people and to realize that Jesus was there in that moment – so although people failed me, Jesus didn't fail me. That helped, but I wish I could form some reasonable expectations of people. Without reasonable expectations, I am constantly disappointed and then I have a hard time loving others.

Best to consult a professional coach that can help you achieve your goals and address your weaknesses.

God bless!

 

[parsley]

Standards of performance should be specific, measurable, achievable and realistic.

Two questions:
1) Are your "expectations" reasonable and consistent?
2) How do you monitor the performance of your staff?

If anyone above you is putting pressure on you for better results, they are probably feeling the same thing, and understand what you're working with.

Can you think of an effective a rewards system that would give people a real sense of compensation for more effort? Not just their name on a plaque, but incentive toward advancement.

 

[Jenster]

Update: I've really been mulling over the advice here, and although it's hard, I'm trying to change. The only One who can bring me peace is God, and when I start feeling as though I "need" other people to act a certain way, I tell myself, No, even if other people behave terribly, I will still have peace.

Thank you all, again.