Who have you lost and how have you dealt with it?

[GreenEyedLady]

It seems to me, looking back, that it was me that was lost and then God came in and found me.

But I am getting ahead of myself. My son, our second child, was born with a very serious heart condition that was not diagnosed before he was born, in March 1988. He died two days later and both my wife and me were devastated by the loss.

It seemed at the time (I was not a Christian) that life was not worth living and there was nowhere to turn for help. I turned to drink! It didn't help. Then one evening about a year later as I contemplated what was left of my life and my marriage and family, I felt a pressence. It was as if I was in a deep dark pit and someone had lifted off the roof and let in some light. I felt this pressence surround me and giving me hope.

That night I didn't need a drink to sleep, and I started to look for ways to help those around me.

That weekend (isn't God great?) a couple of local Christians knocked on our door and invited us to attend the local church. I thought "Okay, I can ask them why we had to lose our son?" So I went (Sue my wife didn't, and still doesn't, feel the need, but I keep praying), and I heard a sermon on the importance of the Bible. Not exactly what I thought I was looking for! But just before I tuned out the vicar said something like this:

"Many people say to me that the Bible is irrelevant and contradicts itself!

I always reply Well have you actually read it?"

That got my attention - I have always prided myself in reading the instructions before trying to start something. And here was God saying Well read the book!

Well to cut it short, I did read the book (well parts of it) and I discovered that the presence that lifted me out of that pit was the Holy Spirit, and that I was not the only one who had given his son - God had been there before me, and He knew how I felt.

I still don't have an answer as to why, but I don't feel "lost" any more.

This was not the end of my grief but it was the beginning of a new life.

Many other things have affected and afflicted me since that spring in 1989, the birth of our second daughter (third child) in 1990, the death of my parents in 1998, the near break up of our marriage in 2000. But through it all God has walked by my side and held me in the dark times. I am far from a perfect child of God but I thank Him that He is a perfect Father!

Yours in Him

Pete

What a wonderful testimony Pete! I am so glad that you seeked the Lord! He is so there for you and your wife. I recommended a book on another thread called "safe in the arms of God" by John MacAurthur. I don't agree with all of his doctrine however his scriptures that are give are wondful and it is packed with meat that we need! Blessings to you. I hope you get this book, it might even change your wifes mind.
GEL

 

[GreenEyedLady]

My daughter, Mary, 20, died last July - 3 months after being dx w/ leukemia. We adopted her when she was 13. Although many days are easier, I've really been struggling again this week. It's another new season - spring - w/o her. She would have been finishing school next month. We also moved in the past year - so have nobody here who knew or remembers her, that we can share our grief with. God has taught me much, & proved faithful. But I am so tired of the tears & pain. And very lonely. (Our first two babies - Jamey & Joey - were stillborn, & I also had another pregnancy loss - Chris).

You have had alot of losses jomom. I am sorry and I know what you mean about being lonley. Its like there are hardly anyone out there who understands and those that do seem to be in a trance with thier own grief. There is nothing wrong with crying and grieving. Try to stay in God's Word! Do you have a life verse yet?
GEL

 

[Marie]

Great Gramma- October 23rd
Austin-friend-April 6th 04
Ryan and his dad- friends- February 21st 04
Jesse-friend- February 22nd 04
Cameron- friend- March 1st 04
Ashley-friend- March 6th 04

I've lost a lot of those close to me within the last year. The first two were from brain tumors, the third were in a car accident, and the others were suicide. Combine this with divorce in the last year as well- trust me- I'm still dealing with it, and it is hard.

 

[humblegyrl]

I recently lost a friend of mine. He committed suicide on March 29th. His father found him in the park, still breathing. They took him to the hospital and put him on life-support but he was braindead. His wife made the decision to take him off.

I haven't always lost people by death, but it has definitely hurt. It always left time for growth. God has His reasons, and it's hard to understand, but we still have to keep going. I will keep ya'll in my prayers.

 

[mommy23]

Hi. This is my first post.

My Dad died from cancer on March 12 of this year, so I am still struggling to cope. The initial period of shock has worn off, and I am now in a very intense, painful stage of grief that seems to take most of my energy.

To cope, I have been reading these forums, reading the Bible, praying, and am trying to cut back on my commitments. I lead the prayer ministry at my church, but I really don't feel up to leading anything right now, so I am going to try to step back from that for a couple of months.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. May God bless you as you grieve.

 

[pete56]

Mommy23

Your reaction to this heavy loss is very understandable, I remember the feelings all too clearly.

But I feel the need to sound a word of warning from one who has been there: Don't draw back too much!

I agree that leading the Prayer Ministry may be a bit onerous for you at the moment, but don't withdraw altogether, you need to keep in touch with friends and family. I know you probably don't feel very socialble and probably feel a burden to your friends but it is at times like these that your Christian Brothers and Sisters are needed most.

So I repeat - Don't step back too far.

I know it seems dark right now and the path ahead is rough, but hold closely to Jesus' hand and let your friends help you, it will pass and God's blessing is new every morning.

Bless you Sister

Pete

 

[Razzie]

It seems to me like i don't have the right to post here but i just can't help it.

3 years ago my son told me that him and his girlfriend were going to have a baby. I was so mad because for 1 thing they weren't married and way to young!!!! but she was sick and just could not handle the birth. Well things didn't go well and she passed away after the baby was born. She got to spend about 10 day with him. I just felt like why would you put yourself through this. But it is what she and my son wanted more than anything. Well know he is a single Daddy to a Wonderful little boy Kamren. Kamren is 3 years old now. Soon after Kamren was born we all found out that my son is very sick and will most likely not see his son grow up. I have had 3 years to prepare for this but it does not make it any easier.
I have Great respect for all of you who have been able to deal with this. Because i can tell you all right now i have NO IDEA how i will do this. The thought of losing him consumes my every thought and for some reason more in the past 4 months than in the last 3 years.
I will keep you all in my Prayers. I know that God has a plan for all of us and it is not for us to know. But sometimes i just can't help myself and ask WHY?????
Again this is to tell you all that have lost someone. God loves us and we are all in his arms to hold when the time comes.
LOL it is easier to give advice than to take it!
Jayne

 

[GreenEyedLady]

Jayne-
That is alot to handle!
How long does your son have to live?
GEL

 

[Razzie]

Jayne-
That is alot to handle!
How long does your son have to live?
GEL

Gel,

We are not really sure. His heart has taken a beating. If we would have known about this sooner, His prognosis would be 100% better. But He found out after it did most of the damage already.
Jayne

 

[Big C]

I lost alot of homeboys when I was banging...but that seemed like part of the game back then. However, I watched my best friend get his brains blown out from a rival gang member! This was especially hard because the guy was originally looking for me. I also lost an older gangmember who I looked up to as my father figure, he died in prison about 2 weeks before his parole. I missed him alot while he was inside, and was looking forward to his release. "the wages of sin"
My Grandmother also died from cancer. One day she fell down, so she went for some tests. It was cancer spreading through her body and brain...within 2 weeks she died! I remember spending summers with her in spanish Harlem, New York city.
My Grandfather also died:We found him dead in his home in humbolt park Chicago. He had a heart attack and was dead for a few weeks! This was hard because I'd been gone so I didn't check on him. Plus he was going razy and astranged from the rest of our family. My dad and I were the only ones who visited him.
Of course, there's been more, but these stick out in my mind the most. Death is a reality we will all face, we have no choice but to move on with our lives...especially if you have others depending on you! Pray.

 

[c a s t i n c r o w n s]

Wow. too many people to list. Besides listing them would make me extremely emotional. Most of them are due to suicide though. Tryin real hard to move on from each and every attempt/suicide death. Each one just seems to bring another. Each one is another slash to my fragile heart. all i can do though is try my best to live each day the way it should be lived, because their deaths will never be something I will get over but something I will live through.

:+:Lexi:+:

 

[bonniea84]

Hi all, this was a tough thread to answer as I've lost a lot in my life. Several relatives passed away due to complications and circumstances surrounding alcohol abuse or diabetes.

However, the most significant loss to me was the passing of a younger sister. She died as a result of injuries she received in a car accident almost 21 years ago. She was 16 at the time of her death, and I was 18. I lived with survivors guilt for some time because I felt at the time she shouldn't have been the one to go. One lesson I've learned over the years is that one just doesn't "get over" that kind of a loss, but we learn to deal with the pain. I still miss her, and I still shed tears when I need to, but I can also smile at the memories we shared.

Bonnie

 

[bonniea84]

Hi. This is my first post.

My Dad died from cancer on March 12 of this year, so I am still struggling to cope. The initial period of shock has worn off, and I am now in a very intense, painful stage of grief that seems to take most of my energy.

To cope, I have been reading these forums, reading the Bible, praying, and am trying to cut back on my commitments. I lead the prayer ministry at my church, but I really don't feel up to leading anything right now, so I am going to try to step back from that for a couple of months.

Thank you all for sharing your stories. May God bless you as you grieve.

Mommy23, the one thing I want to encourage you to do is to lean on your brothers and sisters in Christ. They're always there when you need them. There are times in your life when you've been the one whose been needed so it's all right to lean when you don't feel so strong .... and you won't for a little while. It's important to keep that line of communication opened with that prayer ministry.

Everyone handles grief differently, and the five stages of grief aren't always in any order. I have a friend who couldn't read the lessons in our church after losing her hustand, and it may be too soon for you to do that right now. I'll certainly be praying for you.

Bonnie

 

[delicate_flower]

My family and I lost my uncle the day before Mother's Day. He had a heart failure. My dad heard the news yesterday. He was close to his brother and this is a complete shock to all of us. I wish I knew how my grandmother is feeling today for I do not know. My family is grieving for him and the funeral should be this week. It's been a tough day for all of us, but with God's help and care, we should be okay.

 

[bonniea84]

It's so hard! I'd hoped I would feel better after a nights rest, but my tears keep falling. Seems like the hardest days should be done, but they're not. 2 of our 3 children at home have some disabilities & emotional/behavioral problems (Mary did too - 3 of our 5 kids were special needs adoptions, two bio.) so I've had to really control my grief around them --or they become very upset & then I have to deal w/ them, too. I can't make new friends here w/o sharing who I am, where I've been, am at...& it's too hard. I HATE being needy but am NOT much fun right now. And I feel like an awful witness to my Lord when my tears overflow. :-( My family has had to deal w/ much the past couple years. When I went to a grief group last Fall & took the stress test (where you're in danger if you hit 300) my score was 728!! (The list includes - tho not limited to - my finally dealing w/ childhood abuse & memories, hubby's unemployment & subsequent lawsuit for wrongful discharge [fired for disclosing employer's misuse of funds] that is JUST finally being resolved, his dx of C-FIDS & trips to Mayo, a major move, my depression & several hospitalizations, etc....... all before Mary's death. What can I say? God has brought much freedom - & I am no longer suicidal & despairing -- but still in a lot of pain.

Jomom, you can praise and thank the Lord for all the blessings he has given you. You still have your children, and no matter how bad things get, you have your husband and Mary's memories. I realize that doesn't replace her ... nothing ever will. You'll find that even the smallest of steps make all the difference in the world. Also, I learned about three weeks ago to pray for healing, daily. We're all in a world of hurt at different times in our lives, and all are in desparate need of healing. My prayers are with you.

Blessings.

Bonnie

 

[Dewjunkie]

I lost my oldest daughter, Caira, in 2002 in a car accident. She was 2 1/2. My wife, our younger daughter and I all survived. I held her in the middle of the road as she died. My wife was almost killed, and is paralyzed as a result. I had so much to do to take care of my wife that I don't think I have ever "dealt" with the loss of my daughter. Now I don't seem to want to. Which isn't fair to others, because I am growing increasingly difficult to live with. I hear about people who don't care about their kids and they still have them, yet my daughter meant everything to me and all I have are 2 and a half years of memories and a morbid picture of her mangled body in my mind. So, I grow more bitter about it, knowing what I should do, but don't do it. My wife and my daughter have to suffer through my drastic mood swings and bouts with depression, and I have to suffer through wondering what she would have looked like now, and what she might have been. And what I might have been.

 

[pete56]

Dewjunkie

you really are carrying a heavy load Brother, and yes I do know something af what you are going through, our son died in my arms when he was only two days old.

You say that you "dont seem to want to " deal with the death of your daughter, and yet you go on to describe the classic symptoms of someone that is grieving . I would say that you are beginning to deal with the death of your daughter.

I am sure you don't need me to tell you that the grieving process is a long and painful road nor do you need me to tell you that everyone grieves differently. But nevertheless both these points are true.

I know that where you are right now you probably feel anger towards just about everyone, so did I.

All I can tell you, brother, is that we have a great big God and He is happy to receive your anger so give it to Him.

I know this is hard but you really have got to hold on to your family and friends. Tell them when you feel bitter, share your memories, share the anger you feel towards those people that do not value their children, let them into your heart and your mind. Remember they have lost Caira too.

And most of all brother give God time and space and He will turn your mourning into joy again, eventually.

I am praying for you and your family

God Bless You All

Pete

 

[GreenEyedLady]

I lost my oldest daughter, Caira, in 2002 in a car accident. She was 2 1/2. My wife, our younger daughter and I all survived. I held her in the middle of the road as she died. My wife was almost killed, and is paralyzed as a result. I had so much to do to take care of my wife that I don't think I have ever "dealt" with the loss of my daughter. Now I don't seem to want to. Which isn't fair to others, because I am growing increasingly difficult to live with. I hear about people who don't care about their kids and they still have them, yet my daughter meant everything to me and all I have are 2 and a half years of memories and a morbid picture of her mangled body in my mind. So, I grow more bitter about it, knowing what I should do, but don't do it. My wife and my daughter have to suffer through my drastic mood swings and bouts with depression, and I have to suffer through wondering what she would have looked like now, and what she might have been. And what I might have been.

I remember this like it was yesterday. That year we both lost our daughters. I too feel and act like you do. I hold it in and my family suffers. I have had a couple of emotional break downs where i could not stop crying. Afterwards I felt so much better. Now its like I can hardly cry anymore.
It also boggles my mind that I want to push my kids away from me after already losing one. I don't understand that. Maybe it is a natural reaction to protect ourselves.
What i have found helpful is to ask God to help me grieve. I get on my knees and pretend the couch is HIS lap and I lay my head down and ask HIM for His help. It worked tonight.
Aw dew, I am so sorry. Its so hard, I know. The images that are left. Sometimes I just have to break out the home movies and see her alive again to get that mental picture back in my brain instead of the dead picture that I have of her. It helps me.
I hope that we can be a blessing to you.
GEL

 

[LWG210036073]

My husband passed away March 14th, 2004. He left behind two daughters, ages 6 and 7. He had just turned 43 on December 19. It was all so quick, he seemed fine earlier in the day. I haven't gone back to work yet, and sometimes I don't know what direction to take. It's very scary for me to think about the future and think about all these decisions I have to make alone concerning our two daughters. It's scary to me to think that I might spend the rest of my life alone once my kids are gone. He is survived by his mom, 5 sisters and 3 brothers. He was the oldest. I feel lost and depressed. I feel a lot of anger, a lot of disappointment in everything. I just keep thinking we were so close to acheiving what he always wanted--why couldn't he hang in there a little longer. I try not to question God and to look at the big picture, but it gets hard to go on. I made a lot of sacrifices for him any my kids, it was never about me. Now I feel as if me and the kids weren't worth anything to him. That we weren't worth living for. He died of a pointive hemmorage (sp?) and hypertensive cardiovascular disease. They told my brother in law that by the time he got to the hospital he was already brain dead.

It will also be 9 years this june that my baby brother passed away-he would have been turning 25. Than both my grandmothers passed away followed by a cousin 3 years ago, at the age of 25 and he also left 3 kids behind. I am just tired of all this death. I also know that shortly after my brother passed a distant relative lost her newborn baby also.

My husband death has been very hard on my mother in law and very hard on my mom. We just can't seem to get along and I feel tired.

I have told my brother that I am physically, mentally and emotionally tired. I am tired of being the one that everyone dumps on. I need to stop and breathe now, figure out what's next. People want me to go on with my life, to do this and do that, I can no longer take responsiblity for my mom, someone else has to step up to the plate and grow up.I can't do it anymore. I don't know if she's all there or what--but I can't handle her right now.

 

[christdriven]

I lost my Oma to a stroke and heart disease in september of 2002. I was so close to her, so it was extremley difficult to let her go. She was the most amazing woman that i knew, i always loved to give her hugs, even though she hated hugs and told her i loved her everytime i saw her, even if she didnt say it back. She was such a bold, open German woman. Im proud to say that Im so much like her in so many ways. she also loved God with her entire life, her husband too and her daughter (my mommy)

It just happened that my Opa couldnt handle Oma being gone. So just a couple of days into January 2003 my Opa went to heaven to spend eternity with Oma and of course his saviour as well. To lose him as well as Oma in 4 months. Was the worst thing that could have ever happend to me in my graduating year, in my life. They never even got to see me walk across the stage. And they will never be able to see me when i get married. But im dealing with it. Even writting this reply is making me cry so hard.


i have pictures of them all over my room. They are my inspirtation, my joy, i know that they are my angels. Sometimes it feels as though they never left. but than i am reminded of how much i miss them. Opa was such a hero, he was in the second war and to me, he was/is the bravest man i know. I pray that i will never ever in my wildest dreams forget them, i pray that ill never forget what Omas food tasted like, or what Opas pipe smelt like.


Thank you Lord for taking care of them for me! thank you so much for the privledge of making them my grandparents. I am so so very blessed.