When they are just not your kids....

[Peculiarone]

Question: This doesn't necessarily mean I am in the situation, but I want to know the views of CF.

I like this minister that has 3 kids and HYPOTHETICALLY speaking...'what if we get married, I know that I will have to be a mother to his 3 kids..?" Which I don't mind. I don't have any of my own and love kids. Hope to have one in the future.

What do you think about getting with someone with kids...knowing that possibly, IF you got married, they would have to be apart of your life so to speak...???

Just thinking still .........and now asking......thanks and shalom.
***edited version***... But I just wanted to know the JOYS and CHALLENGES of marrying a man with kids.
-Thanks for your replies in advanced

 

[Genes!s]

I think a step mom has to be open for pretty much anything, including very open-minded. Your comment that "they would have to be apart of your life" isn't a very good sign, in my opinion. If you are already regarding the children as an obligation, it doesn't prove to me (in my personal opinion) that you are serious and accept the marriage as a family (or package), instead you are thinking of it as husband and children separate.

From personal experience, I was engaged to a guy who had a daughter from a previous relationship. I loved her as my fiance's daughter, and accepted her with the package. I didn't treat or see her as an obligation that I had to deal with in order to be with her father. When he and I split up, it was hard for me to let her go because of how close we had become. But when I had my own children, I found that it was a good thing the relationship didn't last. I loved her, but after having my own and experiencing motherhood, I realized the family would have changed dramatically after having my own, if her father and I would have stayed together.

Point being, I think it takes a tremendous amount of love from a person to be a step-parent. And to go into a marriage, thinking of the children as an obligation, I would expect the marriage itself to fail or at the very least, have many problems.

 

[Peculiarone]

NO NO...maybe you are misunderstanding me. I didn't say they were like an obligation so to speak. They are great. But I just wanted to know the JOYS and CHALLENGES of marrying a man with kids.

 

[Busybee]

Peculiarone, I personally am not living in the situation (my husband and I only have children together), but my father who raised me since I was three isn't my blood father.

I think the main challenge of it would be security with oneself because you will have to deal with the mother and her side of the family for the rest of your lives. If that doesn't bother you and you're secure with that situation. I think the rest of it will be a piece of cake. My father (step) was very secure in the situation and he knew I consider him to be my only father. However, my biological father was a dead beat and my God appointed father got off as far as having to share me with him, but I have aunts and cousins that were involved in my life from the biological father's side.

Also, there's the possibility of the children rebelling against you because you're not their mother. "You can tell me this or that because you're not my mother" "you don't love me as much as your own child..whenever you have one" situations that could arise.

I think it would be great to get family counseling together (kids included if they're old enough) when you get in the engaged stage so that you can work out any issues that may be hidden right now. I've even seen some problems posted on the forums here regarding situations like this. So tackling them before marriage.

I notice that you said you don't have any children, so you'll want to spend some time doing things together with the children (if you're dating) so you can get a feel for how it will be permanently because no matter what, the children will always be there. I love my children dearly but they certainly are a job that the Lord has blessed me with, but I raised them from birth so the transition was easy. Also, you'll want to develop a good repoire with the mother early on.

I'm sure others will have more advice for you, but that's what all came to mind.

 

[LegacyOfLove]

To add to all of the other terrific advice you've gotten so far....I would say LOVE THEM from day 1 and never stop showing your love and support...period! Bonding with them is going to be essentially important in taking on this new role in your life....and having that love for them is going to make a big difference down the road when challenges arrive (rebellion, etc.).

Be yourself....and don't pretend to be anything to those children that you are not (so as to advoid major disappointment in the future).

And remember....if you should decide to take this leap of faith and marry their father....that YOU are the one who is entering into THEIR family. I say that to mean, specifically that for some people who have been single and without children...they have lived their lives quite independently and are "used" to doing things a certain way. Well, when you step into the role of wife and "ready-made family" as step-mom, you have to accept that you are coming into their already established world...complete with their routines, their individual needs that are being met, etc. And it will be important that you can merge yourself in with those things. Of course, you can certainly add some valuable ideas and ways of doing things to that....but please do not go in with the expectations that they will conform to things that may be very different than that which they have been accustomed to.

I believe that being a good stepparent takes a lot more than just love and a willingness. I believe you have to be willing to change a lot on your part and to adapt. I believe you need to have a big enough heart to take things as they come and roll with it. I believe it is a most wonderful thing to do...to parent children who otherwise would be without that Motherly or Fatherly role-model in their daily lives. And I believe that this is something that you should do gradually (in other words, if you just "jump" into all of the responsibility at once, you may quickly find yourself frazzled and discouraged); so if it is at all possible, then take the time to really get to know not only the man you'll be marrying, but get to know his children. See their routines first hand and discuss with their father the important key issues like discipline, visitations with their biological mother, family traditions, household chores, etc.

Above all, pray about it and seek God's guidance and His assistance in helping you to make that transition. I hope that helps to give some food for thought!

 

[Genes!s]

NO NO...maybe you are misunderstanding me. I didn't say they were like an obligation so to speak. They are great. But I just wanted to know the JOYS and CHALLENGES of marrying a man with kids.

Sorry, I was answering this question from personal experience.

What do you think about getting with someone with kids...knowing that possibly, IF you got married, they would have to be apart of your life so to speak...???

It was kind of vague, sorry that wasn't what you wanted.

 

[forgivenmuch]

well .. i dont know the situation... are the children older? alot of times its hard for the children to accept a change like this. i know for my nieces ... when my sister got remarried... they did not like thier step dad at all. he was very bossy to them ...
and they never bonded. they were ages 5 6 8 at the time. children need alot of love.
bottom line ..they do not need to be yelled at ... when a step parent comes in .. the children may be excited at first .. then they may really see ..hey i dont have dad to myself anymore. and some children may get upset and jelous at it. some children
love the idea. its just according how the children accept you ... its very crucial that you show them love and support. raising your own kids are very hard..but raising someone elses ... has to be even more hard. there is not that bond there. the bond will have to take lots of time. my nieces are grown now ..and married and have children of thier own, they are closer to thier step dad now. thier children call him papaw ... and he is better with the grandkids than he was with them. he seen his wrongs and they all talked about it. he was like you ..never had any children ..
going to none to 3 ..i could not imagine myself. before i had my son .. i was so childish
i really did not know what parenting was. you have to have some love for the children if you dont ..then its not going to work. motherly love takes alot of patience. if you decide to take on this ... i hope you the best. but it will be no easy task .. it will be one of the hardest in your life.

 

[faith renewal]

I don't know what it's like to be a step-mom, but I know what it's like to be the child in that situation. My mother died when I was eight, and my father re-married six months later. I have nothing but the deepest admiration and respect for my mom (step-mom, but I don't like to refer to her as such now, she IS my mother) now. But as a child, particularly as a teenager, I hated her. I resented her for being in my life, and used her as a scape goat for all my shortcomings.

It required a tremendous amount of love and dedication on her part to put up with everything my brothers and I threw her way. I know that my behavior was hard on their marriage, and at the time I was pleasantly suprised with my success on that front. Fortunately she never gave up on me, simply continued to love me and tried to show me the truth. I know now that I will be a better mother to my own children because of the constant devotion she gave me, even through my anger and hatred.

 

[karla]

My stepdad and mom got married when I was 9 and my brother was 6. I have to say that the thing that made me admire him the most was that he stepped up to the plate. He made us feel like his children from day one and that feeling never stopped. He did an awesome job of raising us and he is the best dad that I could have ever asked for. We never felt as though we were a problem/nuisance in his marriage to our mom, he made us feel as though we were a family.

 

[Andy Broadley]

As a step parent, I might be able to share a little with you on this. When I got together with my wife, I became step father to four children. Talk about having to hit the ground running!!! That, I think, is probably the hardest bit. You are still building a relationship with your spouse, and at the same time have this massive learning curve of forging relationships with the children. After a while things settle down a bit to something approaching normality.

We are 5 years in now and it just seems totally natural. The fact that I am not the childrens biological father is not something I really think about much. Both of the oldest two have thrown it back in my face a couple of times, and it does hurt, but you pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and pitch back in there again.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm dad, and that's it. We don't use the 'step' word.