What Have You Learned?

[Hadassah_]

I don't know about a lot of you, but most of my friends are married. In fact, on the top of my head I'm realising that all of my closest friends are married.

I have watched their relationships throughout the years and saw certain things in them that I really like, and things that I really don't like.

Have you noticed this in your friendships?

How about movies or TV? Have you seen relationships that make you want to swoon or groan with exasperation?

I thought I'd jot down a few things that I've noticed and think is neat. Some I wouldn't mind incorporating in my own marriage (which will probably not happen).

~ Not to talk negatively about each other in front of or to other people. Not even in jest. I LOVE this one. One couple has accountability partners outside of the marriage and that's where they vent, but that's about it.

~ Allow independence. One couple I know are very close but they have their own email accounts, own Facebook accounts, and sometimes own checking accounts. Even if one party is the only one working. It works for them and it shows that even though two become one, there are still two people involved.

~ Being on the same page with disciplining children even if they don't agree. A child walks up, "Can I have a soda?" Mum says yes, Dad says no. They say decide on no and when the child walks away they talk about it. Even if it's real quick. "Why can't she have a soda." "she's already had 5 pounds of gummy bears. I think she's had enough sugar for the next 10 years." "Well I still would have let her for this special occasion." "I know." and it's over. I love it!

~ Having fun arguments. Not all arguments have to be thought provoking and painful. Some can be fun if you know how to do it.

Anyone else have any other observations?

 

[Zenaida]

I'll have to think about observations, I like the ones you have listed.

 

[Amber.ly]

Cool topic!

• Honoring your spouse with your words is HUGE, there is never a reason to bad mouth your spouse just to vent.
• Your marriage will end in divorce when you tell yourself its an option
• Hiding or keeping small things from your spouse will turn into big things. Let your spouse have the passwords and access to anything. And expect vice versa.
• Holding hands, hugging and smiling at each other isn't just for when you are just starting out, wanting that physical connection with your spouse is just part of cherishing them

 

[Lord Of The Forest]

• Your marriage will end in divorce when you tell yourself its an option
• Holding hands, hugging and smiling at each other isn't just for when you are just starting out, wanting that physical connection with your spouse is just part of cherishing them

I love these two. When my parents got married, they understood that divorce was not an option—period. They have one of the best marriages of anyone I have ever met, and I plan to implement their methods in my marriage whenever that occurs.

 

[leothelioness]

Mostly groan with exasperation. My parents' marriage is of course the best example I can go by and as I've told them before, "ya'll are doing a good job of making me not want to get married." lol

 

[Thunder Peel]

When a friend gets married they no longer are a friend. I find they drop off the radar and disappear. My best friend since I was eight got married back in 2008 and I've never heard from him again. I'm happy when my friends get married but the fact that they suddenly feel they're too good to be friends with me is really puzzling. I would never treat anyone that way if I were married.

I guess it's just part of life.

 

[Blank123]

A few months ago I spent time with friends I've known practically my whole life. I was the only single one of the group - and watching the drama and the games and the backstabbing... it made me never want to date again. Just thinking about it now... it makes me feel horrible.

but. one of my good friends here has been married for 6 years. they have 3 kids together and they are just as in love today as the day they married. Moreso. Thats what gives me encouragement. You fight for your love, you work on your relationship, you learn how to put the other ahead of yourself. sacrificial love. Thats what I want.

 

[elenore]

One thing I learned from watching friends get married is that pretty much everything you hear about it is true.

You know, all the advice you get in church about marriage and what makes it work and what doesn't.
(within reason, but overall.)

 

[Sapphyre]

I like the not putting each other down in public one. All couple argue and disagree, and sometimes it might get ugly. But when it's done in public it's just SO uncomfortable for everyone. I've literally been trapped with a horrid couple who had the ugliest fights all the time, and it was a horrible experience not only seeing two people treat each other that way, but seeing them have a complete inability to control their tempers enough to do so in private.

 

[Saucy]

I like Amber's answers

 

[Hadassah_]

Not only that, but I've seen people pick on their spouse around other people and the one being picked on eventually gets embarrassed but tries to keep a brave face. I don't want to put my spouse through that...you know? My job is to be uplifting to my husband and respect and support him in every way possible...not bring him down, even if I'm joking.

 

[K9_Trainer]

I think a big one for me is not to berate or talk negatively to one another. I hated how my parents would always talk down to each other. What started off as a simple disagreement would always escalate into a session of tearing each other down and bringing out negative qualities and past mistakes. It was nothing but you, you, you, "you did this", "you do that". It's not communicating feelings or working out issues.

So if there's a disagreement, it needs to be dealt with with a cool head and in terms of "I". "I think.." and "I feel like...". No dragging up the past to use as a weapon.

 

[Rhye]

Cool topic!

• Honoring your spouse with your words is HUGE, there is never a reason to bad mouth your spouse just to vent.
• Hiding or keeping small things from your spouse will turn into big things. Let your spouse have the passwords and access to anything. And expect vice versa.
• Holding hands, hugging and smiling at each other isn't just for when you are just starting out, wanting that physical connection with your spouse is just part of cherishing them

A lot of this!

also, Simi-Blind post...

A few things I have seen and learned about (and one told).
-You can't bite your tongue and you like to win? Well, so does your spouse. When you know the next words out of your mouth is going to go too far...STOP IT!

-You dont have to like everything your spouse does. Sometimes, the things that are different, and the stuff you don't care for spice things up a little bit more.

-Be loyal. Always, always be loyal. You married that person, you CHOSE to marry that person, so honor them!

-Tell them you love them everyday. In little ways, or big.

-Love changes. Just because its not fiery like it was in the beginning, it doesn't mean it can't still be, or that it isn't love anymore.

-Don't sleep in separate beds. You will grow further and further apart.

 

[Blank123]

-Be loyal. Always, always be loyal you married that person. You CHOSE to marry that person, so honor them!

i think if more people kept just this in mind, the divorce rate would go way down.

 

[Sapphyre]

-Don't sleep in separate beds. You will grow further and further apart.

I like this one too.

 

[Hadassah_]

A lot of this!

also, Simi-Blind post...

A few things I have seen and learned about (and one told).
-You can't bite your tongue and you like to win? Well, so does your spouse. When you know the next words out of your mouth is going to go too far...STOP IT!

-You dont have to like everything your spouse does. Sometimes, the things that are different, and the stuff you don't care for spice things up a little bit more.

-Be loyal. Always, always be loyal. You married that person, you CHOSE to marry that person, so honor them!

-Tell them you love them everyday. In little ways, or big.

-Love changes. Just because its not fiery like it was in the beginning, it doesn't mean it can't still be, or that it isn't love anymore.

-Don't sleep in separate beds. You will grow further and further apart.

I love these! Especially the second.

 

[Nom De Guerre]

- Never go to sleep angry, even if you think it's going to end up in a larger fight you need to voice your opinion clearly so you both come to an understanding.

- Protect the love you have, and don't give it too much... but give it when you truly mean it; this is not to say not to love them daily, just don't throw it all at them (you'll wear each other down/out).

- Space, give each other space to grow, to breathe, to be; without it, you won't be a unit for long.

- Forgive often, because you never know what they/you might not be saying; even they (or you) might not even know what they're/you're saying, just know that they're/you're upset.

- Always make them feel special (again, not all the time; but give credit where credit is due), because they are.

- Do yourself a favour and learn to love, but learn to love with both feet on the ground before you try to fly.

 

[GQ Chris]

I've learned what I don't want:

When married couples gain a ton of weight as they slowly die in "Suburbia".

Becoming that married dude/dad, that somehow some way dresses horrific like pleated pants, and plays golf.

 

[MissElizabeth]

wow, there is some great advice here guys!!! i have learnt many "what not to do" cause i have seen many bad marriages, but the "what to" hasn't much been demonstrated to me. so i really appreciate this, and i was wondering...... can i print these off and put them in a special place??

 

[BRISH]

I don't know about a lot of you, but most of my friends are married. In fact, on the top of my head I'm realising that all of my closest friends are married.

I have watched their relationships throughout the years and saw certain things in them that I really like, and things that I really don't like.

4. Trust: If there's no previous reason, always assume there is an reasonable explaination. Never jump the gun. You can not take words back. I know a couple...couples that are soo strong in their marriage. They use a "love bank" system. Every chance they get, they are saying something endearing to the other particularly small things in building up. They say they're depositing into their love bank so that when things get tough, they can pull out from their "love savings". Kind of corny, but it makes sense. If you've spent more time building each other up, then the harder times are easier to take.

5. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let each other have fun with friends. You have GOT to let the other have somewhat of a life outside of the home. Familiarity doesn't breed contemptment. Resentment from too much familiarity breeds contemptment.

6. We strive for...big things in life. If you don't have the basics down and enjoy the small moments, how can you enjoy anything else though? What's a big house worth if there's no sweet words filling the room? Put time into your S.O. I'm big on having scheduled date nights. It's a must. Find that babysitter. Don't feel guilty. You are loving your children as much as possible indirectly by making sure you have one on one time with your spouse. It makes a happy couple and a happy home for them.

7. Spontaneity: it's underrated

8. Women: he is not a mind reader so treat him accordingly please

9. Men: Yes, doing the dishes and listening for five minutes IS THAT sexy. It won't kill you. I promise.

10. Never go to sleep angry at the other even if you have to agree to disagree.

11. Have fun.

12. If something stressful comes up and neither of you can find a solution, then kneel together for the answer. So important that this is the go to option when things get tense.

I could go on and on and on......but the quote below just really sits well with me. I think it is the core to fixing or keeping anything worth keeping.

“The moment we decide to throw more energy into fighting for our mate than with him[her], the crack of a fist on the enemy's jaw splits the ears of angels.”---- Beth Moore


I edited this to fit the OP better on "what to do" vs "what NOT to do", and now I've almost deleted most of all of it. lol *shrug*