What Factors Make A Friend???

[Philip22]

Some of you may have read a similar post under different sections in this forum and I just want to know if I am alone ..as it seems




What are the factors that make you decide if you want a particular person as a friend or not?( one first impression , before you even really get to know them) Just as an example I know one time I overheard someone say .. I'm don't even want to know that person, they don't fit my tastes. What? But the question remains what is the deciding factors that make you say ... yes I want that person as a friend or no way ...based on first impression. I will also say I have had some very unusual experience with people in regards to this.. there are some interesting thought processes that happen.

 

[DreamsAreFree]

First impressions can be wrong and to be honest, those who make bad impressions I deliberately try to get to know better. In doing so I've found some good friends and discovered the gold behind the exterior . I don't usually decide who will and won't be my friend. It's something that either develops naturally or it doesn't. If I'd like to spend some time with a person I invite them to do something and see what happens. The reasons I won't hang with someone is if there is some sort of risk to personal safety or they turn out to be just plain nasty people, gossip a lot, are draining (I'm all for supporting people through difficulties but sometimes it goes too far to be a friendship).

 

[Forealzchola]

I dont say first impressions I go with vibes..there are people I see by the way they carry themselves etc that I know we would instantly click...and there are others im like no..i would never want to be around them ...i go towards people i click with..people that love diversity..for one...

 

[therockismighty]

I try to get to know people over a period of time,.. during that time you can tell whether or not they will be the friend just right for you... or then they merge into an acquaintance.

 

[SuperFly1]

Some of you may have read a similar post under different sections in this forum and I just want to know if I am alone ..as it seems




What are the factors that make you decide if you want a particular person as a friend or not?( one first impression , before you even really get to know them) Just as an example I know one time I overheard someone say .. I'm don't even want to know that person, they don't fit my tastes. What? But the question remains what is the deciding factors that make you say ... yes I want that person as a friend or no way ...based on first impression. I will also say I have had some very unusual experience with people in regards to this.. there are some interesting thought processes that happen.

Someone who accepts you for who you are.


No strings attached.

 

[chrisnu]

Trust, honesty and loyalty.

 

[Philip22]

I thank you for your comments . I think that maybe I wasnt specific enough. And because of events, life experiences I have had I ask the following...., in a group setting for the first time , what determines who you speak to or not? What make you approach one person and not another? As you can imagine , I am not mr. popularity , if I was I would not be asking these questions. I personal think that we all sterotype people based on their physical appearence , and then make our decisions based on that intially. Am I wrong, most likely not, but what do you think.

 

[DRK]

Loyalty and being there when you need help.

 

[Philip22]

I thank all of you for your imput but I want to know about sterotyping and how that factors into friendships . I borrowed the following from another thread to make a point....

He's UGLY but GORGEOUS?! What do I do?

We have strong feelings for each other and have decided to meet up to get to know each other better. (This is purely for marriage potentially, we're not playing around). However I have seen his pictures and (no offence to him at all) he is not so good looking (below average).

My sister saw his photos and came to me protesting, saying 'You're so beautiful you could do so much better' and telling me he looks 'very very bad' and stuff.

I don't know what to do guys?! Do I meet him and give it a go, or find another good christian guy who looks average at least? Looks aren't important, yes, but when the person is considerably below average...well.....


You see even christians are jugdemental when it comes to physical appearence and I think it factors in all aspects of life..As someone who is ..(as much as I hate to admit it) below average, unfortunately in the looks department as well , I know all to well the challenges that "ugly" people face and the opportunities and experiences that they never will have because of their lack of attractiveness . I know that this is off of the subject of friendship but it really bothers me that people are so shallow. I have been threatened to be beat up so many times, in my opinion , just because I didnt fit in. I f I had a dollar for everytime , I would would be a millionaire. I have even been threaten to be killed( my mom was there standing next to me when one guy threaten to kill me), again because I didnt fit in, in their mind , I wasnt normal looking enough,I was a waste of space Ive been denied jobs because , I didnt have the "look" even though I was well qualified. I guess I should be grateful noone has ever layed a hand on me , it is frustrating. If I could snap my fingures and make every "ugly " person super attractive I would , because noone should have to go through that. Even if you are just average looking, be grateful for that . Sorry for being off of topic, I had to vent, especially after reading the above thread. Yes I do know that she was talking about marriage. But I think that , that type of shallowness exists in all aspects of life. Any thoughts and / or comments?


Also if you want to refer to the thread which I mention above it was posted by sweet_gal on November 11th ,



I would like to say is ... if you happen to see some in your church group or club, etc, who is less than " attractive" rather that judging that person..him or her .. harshly , go up and talk to them get to know them ., you maybe suprised , they my not be as quite a loser / underachiver, unintelligent, unatheletic . uninteresting etc as you first thought but rather quite the opposite. Dont be so quick to write them off.

 

[DreamsAreFree]

I thank you for your comments . I think that maybe I wasnt specific enough. And because of events, life experiences I have had I ask the following...., in a group setting for the first time , what determines who you speak to or not? What make you approach one person and not another? As you can imagine , I am not mr. popularity , if I was I would not be asking these questions. I personal think that we all sterotype people based on their physical appearence , and then make our decisions based on that intially. Am I wrong, mostl ikely not, but what do you think.

Some general ideas...
1/ Watch body language. If you are shy or feeling awkward then this might be communicated in your body language. You may come across as 'closed off' and even give the impression of not wanting to talk even if you do. Stand upright, don't fold your arms, make eye contact with people.
2/ Don't wait for people to approach you, approach them yourself. I usually look for someone who is alone, someone I haven't met yet who isn't already deep in conversation and go to them, introduce myself and ask them about themselves. This works well and while the first few times it can take practice and courage it becomes easier in no time. "Hi, I'm ..., I don't think I've met you here before ... ".
3/ No matter how attractive you are, make sure you are presentable, even if you wear jeans all the time, etc...make sure your hair is brushed, clothes not looking like you've slept in them, etc. It does make a person more approachable (not saying that you don't already do that, just a generalisation).

My thoughts anyway ...

 

[Philip22]

Some general ideas...
1/ Watch body language. If you are shy or feeling awkward then this might be communicated in your body language. You may come across as 'closed off' and even give the impression of not wanting to talk even if you do. Stand upright, don't fold your arms, make eye contact with people.

My thoughts anyway ...

Do you think that one can come off as "stuck up" or arrogant/better than attitude by being too confident or by body language?

 

[DreamsAreFree]

Do you think that one can come off as "stuck up" or arrogant/better than attitude by being too confident or by body language?

I suppose one can come across as being arrogant in their manner but there is a difference between confidence and arrogance. What I'm talking about is more to do with posture and arm position, eye contact that suggests being approachable rather than closed.

 

[Philip22]

I suppose one can come across as being arrogant in their manner but there is a difference between confidence and arrogance. What I'm talking about is more to do with posture and arm position, eye contact that suggests being approachable rather than closed.

Yes I know, I am just trying to consider all possiblities, am I sending some "signal" and not realizing it? I am not one who usually pays much attention to body language and "reading" people when people are just standing around. Sorry for the stupid questions, but I am just wondering.

 

[DreamsAreFree]

Yes I know, I am just trying to consider all possiblities, am I sending some "signal" and not realizing it? I am not one who usually pays much attention to body language and "reading" people when people are just standing around. Sorry for the stupid questions, but I am just wondering.

Well, I don't know you but is there someone you can trust who you could ask?

 

[Philip22]

Thank you Dreamsarefree for your imput and your trying to be honest without offending anyone or hurting feelings, mine in particular.

Again ..., sorry for the stupid questions but I am a very quizitive person, I want to know what makes people tick.., so to speak.

And yet the question remains... how do members here think sterotyping plays into friendships. Everyone does it . I dont really expect to get any answers, as I have not so far. But thoughts are appreciated.

Also let me apologize for not proof read my posts as I should have.

Also one last thing.., just because you have not experience some sort of treatment by others doent mean that it doesnt happen.I will try not to say any more about this subject as it is kind of a sesitive subject with me and I do tend vent or ramble too much. Have a great day!

 

[DreamsAreFree]

You won't get any answers that are real solutions as none of us know you . Stereotyping can happen in first impressions but for most people, I think these can be overcome in time. Some people are prejudiced and will just avoid someone who is part of a group they don't feel positively about. (Would you want such a person as a friend anyway?).

 

[Philip22]

I kinow I said I wasnt going to comment any more but let me just say this...

First Let me thank everyone who did offer advice / suggestions inregards to my questions.


Secondly , let me apolopgize for not being as clear and concise as I could have been. I also in post #9 I think I had to vent about things I saw going on around me at the time and things which I had read and I did my venting here in this forum rather than in private, and I apologize if that may have confused some of you. In other words I shared more information than I should have and more than people really cared about. Sorry

 

[insurchoftruth]

I have heard a song once, some time ago, and it went like this "The only way, to have a friend, is to be one". What you think about that song statement?
On another occasion, I have red another statement which was like this "A friend is one, which comes in, when the whole world goes out".

 

[Philip22]

You won't get any answers that are real solutions as none of us know you . Stereotyping can happen in first impressions but for most people, I think these can be overcome in time. Some people are prejudiced and will just avoid someone who is part of a group they don't feel positively about. (Would you want such a person as a friend anyway?).

Yes , I realize that none of you really know me and I do understand what you are saying and general the advice given and your advice is good advice and realize that most christian people are not going to admit to sterotyping and or judging people based on physical appearence but everyon does it. I guess also I am just tried of people saying that it must be a lack of confidence . I have been in situations where I was confident and did everything that was suggested and yet people were still very distant towards me, keeping me at arms length so to speak.....and I dont want to hear that maybe they werent worth as having as friends because I am tired of hearing that as well.


I knew that I wasnt going to find any real solutions here but I was hoping to have more dialog, to get conversation going and maybe for people to share stories of how they became friends with people. Try to see how people think.