traditional marriage

[ValleyGal]

FWIW, when I was a nurse and worked with the old old, one thing I found is that when a couple comes from such a "traditional" (not saying it's biblical) mindset, when one of them dies and the other has to take over all the responsibility, the surviving spouse is totally lost. Men do not have a clue how to cook, vacuum or scrub a tub, and women do not have any financial resources, let alone the wherewithall to understand how to balance a bank account or pay bills. This would significantly impact the grown children as they would have to then either step in and fill those shoes or teach those skills to their very aged parent.

From what I know about marriage, being intricately involved in each other's "stuff" is of utmost importance, and creates a sense of intimacy, being part of each other's world. So sharing in those kinds of things is good for the marriage and good for being independent in the event of death or illness.

 

[lisah]

I am not sure what a biblical marriage is. Yours sounds rather traditional though.

It concerns me that my husband does not want to be bothered with our finances. He trusts me completely when it comes to handling the money. I always try to make sure he has money when he needs/wants it. But I get tired of being responsible for it all.

I trust him completely when it comes to fixing the cars, fixing the house, and cooking. He gets tired of doing all that too.

But, those areas are where each of our strengths are.

I was single until I was almost 35. So I also know how to take care of myself. That also left me with a great appreciation for all the things he does. But I really wish he would let me show him how I track everything, just in case I pass before him. It would be in his best interest to know that.

 

[Hetta]

FWIW, when I was a nurse and worked with the old old, one thing I found is that when a couple comes from such a "traditional" (not saying it's biblical) mindset, when one of them dies and the other has to take over all the responsibility, the surviving spouse is totally lost. Men do not have a clue how to cook, vacuum or scrub a tub, and women do not have any financial resources, let alone the wherewithall to understand how to balance a bank account or pay bills. This would significantly impact the grown children as they would have to then either step in and fill those shoes or teach those skills to their very aged parent.

From what I know about marriage, being intricately involved in each other's "stuff" is of utmost importance, and creates a sense of intimacy, being part of each other's world. So sharing in those kinds of things is good for the marriage and good for being independent in the event of death or illness.

Yep. Not just death though. You never know when illness or disability might strike, and the other partner be left helpless. It's not wise to be ignorant of any area of family/marital life.

 

[Avniel]

FWIW, when I was a nurse and worked with the old old, one thing I found is that when a couple comes from such a "traditional" (not saying it's biblical) mindset, when one of them dies and the other has to take over all the responsibility, the surviving spouse is totally lost. Men do not have a clue how to cook, vacuum or scrub a tub, and women do not have any financial resources, let alone the wherewithall to understand how to balance a bank account or pay bills. This would significantly impact the grown children as they would have to then either step in and fill those shoes or teach those skills to their very aged parent.

From what I know about marriage, being intricately involved in each other's "stuff" is of utmost importance, and creates a sense of intimacy, being part of each other's world. So sharing in those kinds of things is good for the marriage and good for being independent in the event of death or illness.

I strongly disagree with you.

1)A spouse isn't supposed to teach you how to balance a check book or clean a bathroom those are skills a parent is supposed to teach.
2)I personally don't believe a person should get married if they do not know how to properly tend to themselves or contact the services that can.
3)This is true in all marriages with all things. If a wife is a great nurturer and a husband is a great teacher no matter how the marriage is setup there will be something lacking.
4)All people have their individual weaknesses and strengths.


My wife handles the budget, pay the bills, handles all the money, housing including where to live(with of course consideration), cleans, cooks, washes the clothes and keeps in contact with my family because I won't do it. I clean the car, take out the trash, go to the dry cleaners, plan the trips, invest the money, set the spending agenda for the year, come up with the money for the bills, find places to take her on dates, pick the movies(and often times it's movies I don't want to see), find the babysitter, find ways to reduce our bills once a year and I fully get her car detailed twice a month and I wash it and clean the inside every week.

When I was single I had a budget, was I the best at sticking at it......no I wasn't....however all my bills were paid and I always had a few dollars to save up.....but I wouldn't have as much saving as I do now. Can I handle the money? Of course I have done it before we got married and nothing terrible happened, maybe a few mistakes but I am not the best at it. I can cook, clean and wash clothes and if I felt like it I could even keep in contact with my family. These are all things that my wife is stronger at then me however I did them all before.

I think any type of marriage is going to have two people with strengths and weaknesses however I don't think people without those basic skills to survive should get married.

 

[Boidae]

Men do not have a clue how to cook, vacuum or scrub a tub, and women do not have any financial resources, let alone the wherewithall to understand how to balance a bank account or pay bills.

I take exception (if that's the correct way to describe it) of the above.

I was cooking by age 6, helping clean the home by age 8, learned to balance a checkbook in school and paying bills comes with learning how to manage money. My wife has financial resources and was balancing her own checkbook and paying her own bills before she met me because she was living on her own.

All my friends learned how to cook at early ages, and when we were in middle school, they still had home economics courses which also taught you how to cook, and sew. If need be, we could live on our own easily without resorting to ramen noodles, take-out and our houses would be lived in, but clean.

So, I'm not sure where you grew up, but living in S.E. Pennsylvania we men learned to cook and clean a house and apparently here in the Orlando area, women learned how to balance the checkbook and pay bills.

 

[SPB1987]

1

 

[ValleyGal]

Boidae, I think there is a misunderstanding. I was referring to traditional marriages where the husband had his man-role of breadwinner and bill payer, and the woman had the traditional role of housewife and mom. Often in a traditional sense, each is exclusive of the other. I am simply suggesting that for those kinds of marriages, when one spouse dies, the other does not know anything about what needs to be done.

One example. When my best friend lost her husband, she did not have a clue how to pay car insurance, where to take the car for maintenance, or how to use the computer to pay the bills. She did not even seem to know what bills they had. He is the one who took care of all the finances. She needed help with learning all the things he did. I am saying that those "traditional" marriages need some tweaking if people want to live like that today. It is important for men to know how to cook and clean, and it is important for women to know how to pay the bills and maintain the car. The woman in the OP wants a traditional marriage, but does not want her husband to participate in chores. It is important for him to participate in chores, just as it is important for her to participate in the traditional man-jobs like maintaining the car and keeping it full of gas.

Avniel, parents are supposed to teach their children things. Many don't. Having worked in child protection and guardianship, I saw a lot of kids age out of care who did not know how to wash dishes or use a vacuum, let alone know how to pay bills or manage a bank account. If I married at the age of 19, I would not have known how to maintain a car, and would have needed my husband to teach me. And if he did not know how to cook, I would have had to at the very least teach him how to follow a recipe. Of course spouses learn from each other as life goes on. Parents can't teach everything, and some parents are incapable of teaching anything. I am not just talking about utilizing the strengths of each spouse. I am saying both need to know how to manage each other's roles, if a time should ever come when they need to step into that role, whether it be temporary during an illness or permanently following a death.

 

[Avniel]

I take exception (if that's the correct way to describe it) of the above.

I was cooking by age 6, helping clean the home by age 8, learned to balance a checkbook in school and paying bills comes with learning how to manage money. My wife has financial resources and was balancing her own checkbook and paying her own bills before she met me because she was living on her own.

All my friends learned how to cook at early ages, and when we were in middle school, they still had home economics courses which also taught you how to cook, and sew. If need be, we could live on our own easily without resorting to ramen noodles, take-out and our houses would be lived in, but clean.

So, I'm not sure where you grew up, but living in S.E. Pennsylvania we men learned to cook and clean a house and apparently here in the Orlando area, women learned how to balance the checkbook and pay bills.

You know what I am going to offer you an open challenge give me until the weekend of the 14th and we are going to have a cook off.....this is an open challenge for all men on the marriage forum.

 

[Avniel]

Boidae, I think there is a misunderstanding. I was referring to traditional marriages where the husband had his man-role of breadwinner and bill payer, and the woman had the traditional role of housewife and mom. Often in a traditional sense, each is exclusive of the other. I am simply suggesting that for those kinds of marriages, when one spouse dies, the other does not know anything about what needs to be done.

One example. When my best friend lost her husband, she did not have a clue how to pay car insurance, where to take the car for maintenance, or how to use the computer to pay the bills. She did not even seem to know what bills they had. He is the one who took care of all the finances. She needed help with learning all the things he did. I am saying that those "traditional" marriages need some tweaking if people want to live like that today. It is important for men to know how to cook and clean, and it is important for women to know how to pay the bills and maintain the car. The woman in the OP wants a traditional marriage, but does not want her husband to participate in chores. It is important for him to participate in chores, just as it is important for her to participate in the traditional man-jobs like maintaining the car and keeping it full of gas.

Avniel, parents are supposed to teach their children things. Many don't. Having worked in child protection and guardianship, I saw a lot of kids age out of care who did not know how to wash dishes or use a vacuum, let alone know how to pay bills or manage a bank account. If I married at the age of 19, I would not have known how to maintain a car, and would have needed my husband to teach me. And if he did not know how to cook, I would have had to at the very least teach him how to follow a recipe. Of course spouses learn from each other as life goes on. Parents can't teach everything, and some parents are incapable of teaching anything. I am not just talking about utilizing the strengths of each spouse. I am saying both need to know how to manage each other's roles, if a time should ever come when they need to step into that role, whether it be temporary during an illness or permanently following a death.

I see your point but I think those are in very extreme cases. With the tutoring program I actually am seeing the same thing. There are a number of children that can't even read a good majority of the time there parents are uneducated and often times the live with their grandparents that aren't modernized(I think you will understand what I am trying to say).

However most adults 21 and older know the basics of how to handle their business. I am not saying that they are good at and I don't think that is what you are saying either.

I think I may have misunderstood what you are saying is that you can't just say I don't know about budgetting or what our budget is where our money goes? Am I correct.

What I am saying is that people should know the basics on taking care of themselves and have that oppertunity to learn because like you said anything can happen. However if you know how to take care of yourself there is nothing wrong with taking care of what you do best.

I think we agree I am not to sure, but I don't think that is just an issue in traditional marriages.

 

[ValleyGal]

Well, traditional marriages have very defined roles of who does what, and those roles are not typically performed by the other spouse. Even if you marry at age 25 and know how to work your spouse's role, things change. If your spouse dies in 40 years, paying the bills might not be anything like it was when you last did it at age 25.

Another example. My mom was a hairdresser before she got married. Then she was a stay-home mom, and later she worked hard managing books for our farm - the old fashioned way. When they divorced, she had to go find a job, but her skills were very limited and outdated. She had to go back to college to make herself marketable again. Her world was small and stagnant for many years, and I even helped her by showing her what to look for in a rental apartment (and later in buying a condo) because that had all been dad's domain.

It does still happen today. There are couples out there who insist on the traditional approach, and do not blend the roles. But what I am saying is that it is necessary to blend them - especially in today's very fast-changing techno world. People need to stay on top of things they are not necessarily good at, and they need to know how to take care of themselves and their partner if tragedy strikes. As long as you both stay on top of each other's roles, by all means, each has a strength they bring and it should be used.

 

[Avniel]

Well, traditional marriages have very defined roles of who does what, and those roles are not typically performed by the other spouse. Even if you marry at age 25 and know how to work your spouse's role, things change. If your spouse dies in 40 years, paying the bills might not be anything like it was when you last did it at age 25.

Another example. My mom was a hairdresser before she got married. Then she was a stay-home mom, and later she worked hard managing books for our farm - the old fashioned way. When they divorced, she had to go find a job, but her skills were very limited and outdated. She had to go back to college to make herself marketable again. Her world was small and stagnant for many years, and I even helped her by showing her what to look for in a rental apartment (and later in buying a condo) because that had all been dad's domain.

It does still happen today. There are couples out there who insist on the traditional approach, and do not blend the roles. But what I am saying is that it is necessary to blend them - especially in today's very fast-changing techno world. People need to stay on top of things they are not necessarily good at, and they need to know how to take care of themselves and their partner if tragedy strikes. As long as you both stay on top of each other's roles, by all means, each has a strength they bring and it should be used.

Traditional doesn't mean the wife stays at home. When we look at the virtue scripture in proverbs that woman worked....

Also with all of the technology and google and bing there is always a way of looking up how to do something....I can go to youtube and find out everything I need to know.

 

[ValleyGal]

Avniel, I'm not talking about biblical. I am talking about traditional. There are a lot of people who think biblical and traditional are synonymous, but they aren't. Post-war, women stayed home and men went to work. A lot of people think that just because that's what it's been the last 70 years, that is what it is supposed to be like biblically. But it isn't.

So yes, "traditional" means the wife stays home and has her female oriented roles and the husband goes to work and provides for the family and has little or nothing to do with maintaining the home or nurturing the children.

"Biblical" means that the wife was fully active in business management, farm ownership and home organization. She was fully involved in the community and not just barefoot and pregnant. "Biblical" can also mean she was educated - they had female judges in the OT and business women in the NT as well.

Yes, there is the internet. But that does not address intricacies of the marriage unit. Does she know which mechanic he uses? Does she know where he hides the key to the safe deposit box? Does he know that the oven actually is ten degrees hotter than what it is actually set for? Does he know that she has never used an abrasive cleaner on the tub, or that there is a special way of turning the knob on the washing machine? Those are the kinds of things I'm talking about.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Quote of bnewcomer
Every time we discuss what we want she talks about wanting me to be the family's spiritual leader and how she wants me to be the final say in all our decisions. She is most happy when she is taking care of the house and family

My wife wants me to be the spiritual leader and I am. If I am not available she will step in. My wife wants me to make most of the final decisions on most issues but not all. My wife made the decision that she wanted to go to college in her 30s, she went. My wife made the decision as to most of the furniture and other items we have in the home. My wife makes the decision as to when she will retire and we made the decision that her check will cover the food and the gas for her car.

I make most of the financial decisions. I made the decision that we add 1100 square feet to our home a few years ago. My wife said that she wanted new bedroom furniture, a large master bedroom and her own private bathroom and that no males will be allowed. I built that for her and for me I built an office, a kitchen for the office, a guest bedroom, and my own bathroom that everyone can use.

Years ago my wife said that she wanted to take care of finances. I gave her the job and she came to me in tears a few months later and said that she did not want it anymore.

We have finally settled on our roles and it must work well as we have been married for over 40 years.

My advice for you is:

Make sure that you can handle all the responsibility without any resentment.

Be sure to examine how much you can handle and then if you cannot handle all of the responsibilities that you currently have then work with your wife so that she can take some of the load.

Be prepared if your wife changes her mind in the future and wants to make more decisions

Teach your wife or make arrangements so that in case you die or are disabled that she will be able to handle the most important things. For her to handle all things would be best but that is not always possible.


I have seen all kinds of arrangements work. In my household I am responsible for most of the decisions. However, my brother is not responsible for most of the decisions his wife is. Both of us have been married for over 40 years and have a successful marriage.

My wife came from a family that the father worked and the mother took care of the home and he made 90-95% of the decisions

In my family my father and mother worked and they made most decisions together.

The key for us is that whoever is the most capable does the most and then for both to work very hard at being fair with each other.

I think that your current Traditional marriage can work just fine; it did for many for centuries. However, the most important is that you both get a level of responsibilities that you both can handle and agree upon. That will not always be a 50-50 set up. Most marriages will be different in abilities and acceptance levels but traditional can work. IMO

 

[Boidae]

You know what I am going to offer you an open challenge give me until the weekend of the 14th and we are going to have a cook off.....this is an open challenge for all men on the marriage forum.

ROFL... not sure if my cooking is that good to be able to do a cook off.

I have never had complaints on my pot roast, turkey or lasagna though.

 

[motherprayer]

You know what I am going to offer you an open challenge give me until the weekend of the 14th and we are going to have a cook off.....this is an open challenge for all men on the marriage forum.

Can I have my husband join? He's the chef in our house!

 

[Avniel]

Can I have my husband join? He's the chef in our house!

I am down for the competition. lol

 

[motherprayer]

I am down for the competition. lol

You oughta start a new thread to "recruit" people. Call it "The Men who Can." Or something I dunno lol but I like it!

 

[motherprayer]

Or lol call it "Tasty Role Play" hehehehe

 

[WolfGate]

You oughta start a new thread to "recruit" people. Call it "The Men who Can." Or something I dunno lol but I like it!

Contest already over. When I was young both of my parents had to work (just to afford the trailer we lived in). To keep me and my sister out of trouble after school, the rule was when they got home supper had to be ready and a load of laundry done. I've been cooking since I was 8 years old and, well, I'm quite excellent. Learned as soon as I got to college that if I liked a girl offering a home cooked meal usually got a first date - and the food assured a second.

Even taught my wife everything she knows about cooking - since her mom taught her nothing.

Yep, that's me "humble but hungry".

 

[Boidae]

I just think I'm not that good because I am an extremely picky eater. So I only cook basic meals, ones that are easy to make.

the only thing that I am still perfecting is my gravy. I make it from scratch using, the stock from chicken, turkey or roast, then I make roux using flour and butter. The roux needs to be cooked just right or it can completely throw off the gravy. That is what I am trying to perfect.