traditional marriage

[bnewcomer148]

Are there any married couples out there that are trying to live a more biblical marriage. By that I mean the husband is the leader of the family and the wife is submissive. My wife dreams of this type of marriage but we are having a hard time letting go of modern ways. Thanks for any insight

 

[Hetta]

We have a biblical marriage - one man, one woman, holding only to one another, loving each other, etc.

We are neither of us interested in submissive/patriarchal roles though.

 

[Hetta]

Why does your wife *want* to be submissive? It seems like a strange thing to "dream" of.

 

[bnewcomer148]

The why I'm not entirely sure of, but since I have known her, she has wanted that. She often says that she was born in the wrong century. Everytime we discuss what we want she talks about wanting me to be the family's spiritual leader and how she wants me to be the final say in all our decisions. She is most happy when she is taking care of the house and family

 

[motherprayer]

Are there any married couples out there that are trying to live a more biblical marriage. By that I mean the husband is the leader of the family and the wife is submissive. My wife dreams of this type of marriage but we are having a hard time letting go of modern ways. Thanks for any insight

My husband and I are practicing this. It wasn't easy at first, but as we each found our niche, we found that it actually helped our relationship.

The first step we took was changing our mindset from being responsible to each other, to each individually being responsible to God. It helps a lot. By taking on that mentality, when one of us gets weak - in anything, not just this - it helps the other to know there is a standard that ought to be lived up to whether the spouse behaves or not.

 

[bnewcomer148]

Thank you for that. I most say since we have started this our relationship has been incredible. We just want to make sure we stay on the path

 

[Hetta]

The why I'm not entirely sure of, but since I have known her, she has wanted that. She often says that she was born in the wrong century. Everytime we discuss what we want she talks about wanting me to be the family's spiritual leader and how she wants me to be the final say in all our decisions. She is most happy when she is taking care of the house and family

So basically she doesn't want to have any responsibility for anything? How do you feel about that?

 

[motherprayer]

It gets easier as you go. It is comfortable though, for us at least

Its hard to really put into words the why's and how's of it, but I love it. I WILL say this: there isn't a "set" way of following the Biblical roles for marriage. I encourage those who desire to follow it to simply read and follow the Spirit's guidance for what one should do in any given situation. There are loads of websites that will outline to the last detail how it works, but I think that's a bit overboard. For every couple its different.

God bless you on your journey!

 

[Boidae]

So basically she doesn't want to have any responsibility for anything? How do you feel about that?

I know that at least for me, that would drive me insane having to be responsible for everything and wife saying she has no responsibility in the marriage. I'm happy that we share responsibility for most things in our marriage and the things that we don't share responsibility on are pretty much personal to us and not really something that can be shared.

I'm not downing any marriage that practices the no responsibility on the wife's part and if they're happy, I cannot really say anything, but that type of marriage isn't for me or my wife.

 

[Hetta]

I know that at least for me, that would drive me insane having to be responsible for everything and wife saying she has no responsibility in the marriage. I'm happy that we share responsibility for most things in our marriage and the things that we don't share responsibility on are pretty much personal to us and not really something that can be shared.

I'm not downing any marriage that practices the no responsibility on the wife's part and if they're happy, I cannot really say anything, but that type of marriage isn't for me or my wife.

Nor for me and my husband. My husband and I expect 100% involvement from each other.

 

[motherprayer]

For my husband and I, as far as "responsibility" goes, he never makes a decision without my input. Its kind of like, the default setting is: let's talk about this and make a decision. Once in awhile, one of us feels strongly enough about something that we just go ahead and do it.

But there's a respect there, I would never make a decision I thought my husband wouldn't agree with, and vice versa.

Once in a blue moon, however, I just don't want to be the one to say yay or nay. That's when I ask him to take the lead.

This is why I said there isn't any set way to do it. It could be your wife trusts your decision making skills better than her own. It takes maturity to acknowledge that, and if that's how she feels, it may work better for you to take the lead.

Take it in prayer, my friend.

 

[bnewcomer148]

I wouldn't describe it as a lack of responsibilty. She is responsible for cleaning the house and making sure we have what we need. At the end of the month she plans all the months meals and does all the grocery shopping. She also tends to the garden and does all the canning and freezing. As for all the financial stuff I take care of. I actually have mixed emotions right now. In concept its a good idea but in practice its very hard

 

[Hetta]

I actually have mixed emotions right now. In concept its a good idea but in practice its very hard

What do you have mixed emotions about?

If she is not involved in the budgeting, then she is blind in one area. Both spouses should be fully cognizant of all areas of the family/home.

 

[motherprayer]

I wouldn't describe it as a lack of responsibilty. She is responsible for cleaning the house and making sure we have what we need. At the end of the month she plans all the months meals and does all the grocery shopping. She also tends to the garden and does all the canning and freezing. As for all the financial stuff I take care of. I actually have mixed emotions right now. In concept its a good idea but in practice its very hard

Amen to that! Is there a specific area you are struggling with?

 

[bnewcomer148]

As for the budgeting of the house, I do all of that. I have a binder that I update weekly that contains all our bills and important info. If we are short on money that week I just say we have to watch what we spend.
The mixed feelings come in when she won't let me help around the house at all. She feels this is her job. If I sweep or anything alone those lines she feels bad like she's not doing her part. I hate when she feels thst way, because she is a great wife

 

[Boidae]

As for the budgeting of the house, I do all of that. I have a binder that I update weekly that contains all our bills and important info. If we are short on money that week I just say we have to watch what we spend.
The mixed feelings come in when she won't let me help around the house at all. She feels this is her job. If I sweep or anything alone those lines she feels bad like she's not doing her part. I hate when she feels thst way, because she is a great wife

It sounds as though maybe she was brought up or just has it in her mind that the household chores are her domain and never to be touched by my husband. That's the impression that I get from reading the above.

I do all the household things in our apartment and only because my wife has multiple sclerosis and is unable to really tackle these types of "chores" so to speak. Even if she wasn't disabled, I would still help around the home. My reasoning is that it is also my responsibility to clean-up after myself and the other occupants in the home, everyone chips in and cleans.

Maybe you can let her know that it's ok that you clean the home too. That it's not because she's not doing her part, but because it is your home as well and you have a responsibility to help keep it clean.

 

[Hetta]

The mixed feelings come in when she won't let me help around the house at all. She feels this is her job. If I sweep or anything alone those lines she feels bad like she's not doing her part. I hate when she feels thst way, because she is a great wife

Wow. Perhaps take the word "help" out of it - out of the vocabulary and out of the equation. Boidae is right - it is your house too, so in fact it is your responsibility to keep it clean too. Does she see it as some kind of criticism perhaps? She's not doing her job right, so you "have to help" her get it right? You might want to ask her about that and stress that you have a responsibility to your home, just as much as she does. That doesn't make her any less submissive, or any less the hausfrau - or whatever the word is that they use - it just means that you are exercising your responsibility. She sounds scared that she is being found 'wanting' in some way, I think. It may also be a pride issue. I don't know her, obviously, so you would know best.

Also, keep on telling her she's a great wife, and make sure she 'hears' it.

 

[Avniel]

For my husband and I, as far as "responsibility" goes, he never makes a decision without my input. Its kind of like, the default setting is: let's talk about this and make a decision. Once in awhile, one of us feels strongly enough about something that we just go ahead and do it.

But there's a respect there, I would never make a decision I thought my husband wouldn't agree with, and vice versa.

Once in a blue moon, however, I just don't want to be the one to say yay or nay. That's when I ask him to take the lead.

This is why I said there isn't any set way to do it. It could be your wife trusts your decision making skills better than her own. It takes maturity to acknowledge that, and if that's how she feels, it may work better for you to take the lead.

Take it in prayer, my friend.

I think my marriage mirrors your marriage very much so. We equally are responsible and we make choices together. I have rarely made a choice and not included my wife but those choices I have made normally don't turn out well. We tend to find a common ground and debate with each other until we both can agree and reach a middle ground and make compromises.

I think that is what being a leader is about, it's not about being a tyrannical dictator that has all the answers....that is what the world believes a leader is. But a leader really is someone that heals, feeds, nurtures, cares for, is kind....being a leader is less about what you want and more about what others want and need. Being a leader is really about sacrifice it is more of a servant then being submissive.

The word leader in the world is someone that is more important than the people they follow, but we know that this isn't the case. It's just a different area of service equally important to the kingdom.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

As for the budgeting of the house, I do all of that. I have a binder that I update weekly that contains all our bills and important info. If we are short on money that week I just say we have to watch what we spend.
The mixed feelings come in when she won't let me help around the house at all. She feels this is her job. If I sweep or anything alone those lines she feels bad like she's not doing her part. I hate when she feels thst way, because she is a great wife

it seems that she would feel guilty if you were to help her with "her" part of the deal, since she has completely taken her hands off to what you do (ie the $ side of things)... so rather than feeling guilt, she might want to know she's kept her side of the bargain by taking any concern of the house off you..?

 

[bnewcomer148]

Thank you all for your ideas!!!@