Toughest Decision Of My Life

[Jacob4Jesus]

I started talking to Steven Fuller about two months ago. When we met, it was love at first sight. I never imagined what love truly felt like until our eyes met for the first time.

As many of you may know, Steven was hit by a semi a couple weeks ago. After spending a week in a coma, he is awake but non responsive. The doctor's feel it will be a very long time before Steven is able to function normally again. His family and friends are suporting him and he gets constant visitors. My visits are generally late at night, though, so as to not make things tougher on his family. His mom is not okay with him being gay and doesn't want me around.

So, tonight I am leaving Madison and going home. I am going to make one last visit to Steven and then come home to be with my family and friends for the holidays. I am leaving a letter with his friends to give him when he recovers. It will explain why I felt this was the best choice to make while letting him know that it is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's tearing me apart inside. I have never felt pain like this.

But, I think it is the right thing to do. He has so much going on right now that the last thing he needs is to worry about me. So, I am sucking it in and doing what I think I should.

Just though I would let you know. I had to write this because it's so difficult and I want to see if anyone agrees that I am doing what is right.

love and prayers

Jacob

 

[seebs]

You have acted out of compassion for someone you love, and you have also acted out of compassion for people who have shown you none in return. The word "right" is hardly sufficient to describe this. You are doing the things everyone talks about, but no one does. It pleases me to know that I exist in the same world with such a person; it gives me hope for humanity.

 

[Cat59]

But, I think it is the right thing to do. He has so much going on right now that the last thing he needs is to worry about me. So, I am sucking it in and doing what I think I should.

Just though I would let you know. I had to write this because it's so difficult and I want to see if anyone agrees that I am doing what is right.
Jacob

jacob,
you are making a sacrifice for others, one that is so painful for you, but one that you feel is best for those about you.

you have my prayers,
as does Steven for his recovery

cat

 

[Salsa_1960]

Jacob,
I understand that you have strong feelings for Steven, and it is right to do this in friendship, but beyond this the Bible talks about the sin of homosexuality.

As much as we care about you and the outcome of your friend Steven, (and all on this forum who are decent I believe do care about these things), it is not right for the two of you to have a sexual relationship.

I'm not trying to be a "gay bash-er." My own sister is "living with" another woman-- her "significant other," as she refers to her. What they are doing is wrong and yet I still love her because she is my sister. I don't "bash" her. My mother has a cousin who is a homosexual and I love him like an uncle. He is part of my family. I normally don't confront people like I am confronting you right now. (I've never confronted my sister or my 'uncle'). I only say what I do because I know that you have a love for God. You have been heavy on my heart for a couple weeks now and I feel like I can't let this just "slide by." I hate to see you endanger the relationship that you have with the Lord.

God does love you and he loves Steven too. You both have a special place in His heart.

~Sandy

 

[Stanfi]

Sandy said it all, there is nothing else that I can add.

 

[Iddie4him]

Jacob,
This is a very perplexing situation, While I can hope that your anguish over this decision eases over time, In the future, The depression forum is not the appropriate forum for the discussion of homosexual subject matter.

/me puts mood hat on briefly.

To All who post here in this forum,
In the future, Lets keep the subject matter at hand on topic and not about anybody's apparent lifestyle or sexual orientation. Jacob posted here asking for advice and compassion, not condemnation for his lifestyle. Any deviation from the topic at hand will cause the thread to be closed.

 

[Jacob4Jesus]

Sorry, the last thing I tried to do was start a homosexual thread. But for the record, I love Steven Fuller. I have had absolutely no sexual relationship with him. Love and Sex are 2 very different things.


I left Steven alone in the hospital today. My heart is now officially broken. I knew it was the best thing for him and his family, but possibly the worst thing for me. I feel so empty, so hollow... I can't go a single second without seeing him smile or laugh at something that wasn't very funny. Or hearing his cute yet dopey voice.

I would imagine that this is what death feels like. I have no focus... no appetite... no will to live. Why do people fall in love when there are hard decisions like this to make?

 

[Bonhoffer]

I think you have done a very brave and honourable thing!!

God is proud and pleased with you. I'm sure Steven will be alright and I hope that you will meet up again in Heaven and be 'friends' for eternity!

I dont think people in heaven have a sexuality, so your sexual orientation dilema will not be a problem any more; but as two souls you can be together forever.

God Bless

 

[doofus125]

From one brother to another you have made the right decision, like you I struggle with homosexuality, but I found that the thing I was really missing in my life was Jesus. I know what it's like to love someone the way you do and basicly walk away from them....I had that conviction from the Lord that was telling me that he was the only one that I needed. A few weeks ago I walked away from God and just days later I was running back to him crying like someone who had thought someone they loved the most had died and found out they were still alive. It is a difficult road to follow the Lord, I won't deny that, but when you look at the big picture it is so worth it. The 80 years or so here on earth serving God compared to eternity in heaven, it makes our lives seem so short. As I look at your avatar and read it says "Jesus Loves Me" and none of us have the comprehension to know how much he really does love us and just that thought makes me want to run to him. Jacob, know you are loved and that you are not alone in your struggle.

Godbless,

Bill

 

[Salsa_1960]

Sorry, the last thing I tried to do was start a homosexual thread. But for the record, I love Steven Fuller. I have had absolutely no sexual relationship with him. Love and Sex are 2 very different things.

Jacob. You're absolutely correct. I'm sorry for jumping the gun and making assumptions.

~Sandy

 

[seangoh]

I dont think people in heaven have a sexuality, so your sexual orientation dilema will not be a problem any more; but as two souls you can be together forever.

God Bless

Now that's something new i never thought about.

Anyway jacob, you remind me of how Jesus loves people. Jesus wasn't a homosexual yet He could love others. Probably you've given me a glimpse of how Jesus felt when John the Baptist was beheaded. I used to wonder how Jesus felt as He went off alone in the boat after hearing the news. He missed John's unwavering faith and character definitely.

 

[MsDe]

Jacob, you, Steven and his family are in my prayers and thoughts.

 

[Iddie4him]

Jacob,

For the record, I didn't mean for you to think I was coming down on you per say. I was just trying to make a point is all. I apologize if you felt singled out. I can see your point about there being a distinction between loving someone and having sex with them. I hope that your heartache ease with time and that you can go on with life. Actually, This is a tough decision to make, I'm not sure if I could ever walk away from a relationship and not be hurt myself.

 

[TCapp]

I had to respond too. You have my sympathy concerning your friend being hurt. That must be awful. I'm also sorry things are not quite working as you'd hope. Sometimes love means letting go, either for awhile or forever. It is not easy.

Forgive me, as I do not know what else to say. It is hard to know what to say without inserting foot into mouth, especially with a sensitive subject. You are in my thoughts.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Sorry, the last thing I tried to do was start a homosexual thread. But for the record, I love Steven Fuller. I have had absolutely no sexual relationship with him. Love and Sex are 2 very different things.


I left Steven alone in the hospital today. My heart is now officially broken. I knew it was the best thing for him and his family, but possibly the worst thing for me. I feel so empty, so hollow... I can't go a single second without seeing him smile or laugh at something that wasn't very funny. Or hearing his cute yet dopey voice.

I would imagine that this is what death feels like. I have no focus... no appetite... no will to live. Why do people fall in love when there are hard decisions like this to make?

I'm really sorry for your suffering. I know it can't be easy. I pray that God gives you peace and healing.

I guess what Sandy and Mr. Stace seem to be saying is that your wording sounds very romantic, as if your relationship with him were of this sort.

I pray God heals you and makes His presence known to you in a particular way. Again, I'm really sorry.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Praying for you Jacob. This is truly a tough situation, but I feel in my heart you have shown true character by your actions. You put others happiness above your own, which is a noble thing to do. I pray that God will comfort you during this time of sadness and pain for you and will continue to heal Steven and make him well again.

's and 's

 

[Jacob4Jesus]

Ugh, It's so hard... I am not sure how much longer I can hang on. The pain is unlike anything I have felt before. He's such a nice and wonderful guy and it's destroying me that he has to go through all of this. I just want to help, and I am finding it so hard to continue to live my life. Why? I am about to fall into pieces.

 

[TheOriginalWhitehorse]

Jacob, I know it's hard. I know. But in time, the burden will get easier. It's just a matter of time passing. No one can tell you to try not to think about it, because you will, no matter how hard you try not to. But the burden will get easier.

 

[wgjones3]

Jacob,

What's between you and the Lord is between you and the Lord. If the Lord told you to walk away, then you must obey His will. As someone said, 80 years of denying ourselves is nothing compared to an eternity in heaven or hell, and the Bible is full of admonisments to deny the flesh in order to do the will of God.

That said, I don't know what your relationship with Steven was. But, if his feelings for you are as strong as your feelings for him, then is walking away (assuming this is a decision you made on your own) really what's best for him? When he waked up and finds that you're gone, is he going to loose his will to live? Do you really know that it would make things harder on him if you stayed?

I hesitate to respond to this, but when I read your opening post, the first thing I thought about was Steven's reaction when he wakes up. I don't condone homosexuality, but as I understand it, there's no difference in the way two people feel about each other whether they're gay or straight. If I were injured and in a coma, and I awoke to a letter from my girlfriend saying that she was ending things because she knew it would be too hard on me if she stayed, I would loose my will to fight and would want to die. Even if she had found somebody else, I would want her there for me because of my love for her.

That said, I know it's a tough decision to make. I once had to break up with a girl I was planning to marry because a friend of mine was in love with her and she was leading him on and playing games with his head. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It took me more than three years to get over her. I can't say I ever have completely. Only you know what's right. I encourage you to keep it between you and God and not let anybody (me included) influence your decision, but please maintain a relationship with God and cultivate an even stronger relationship with Him in this time of grief. God makes beautiful things out of broken peices, and I'm sure you feel pretty broken right now. Jesus loves you enough that He was tortured to death so you could have eternal life. He will comfort you. When you think it hurts so bad you can't stand it, just imagine the pain Christ went through AND then try to fathom how much worse it could be if Christ weren't comforting you.

I'll be praying that all works out according to God's perfect will.

 

[seebs]

EEP!

Where did the idea that the relationship was being ended come from? This is just Jacob going away for a bit, to ease strain on Steven's family, and to spend time with his own family.

I didn't see anything saying he wouldn't be back. It's just awful not being there now. At least, that was my understanding.