Hi, I not sure where to post since I have not used this forum in a while. So since I am over 30 I guess this is as a good of place as anywhere else.
I can barely write. I have been living on a dream trying to get into a MBA program. Not that I plan to be rich. Why an MBA. Because that is where my talents and interests lie. I cannot be a singer. I have been scrapping by with loans and handouts and God keeps putting up barriers on top of this. I am not a young man anymore. God surely, like Esau has chosen to hate me before I was born. I never had a chance. When I feel despondent people keep telling me about help lines--which are not Christian. What do I want to live for if I am going to be out in the street. God rewards atheists more that He helps me. Maybe I have committed blasphemy in that I do not care anymore. I keep hearing preachers talk about sinners enjoying a season of pleasure but then spending eternity in torment in Hell. They also speak of others being suffering on Earth but having eternal happiness in heaven for all of eternity. I also know some who enjoy life here on Earth who are Christians and will enjoy life forever in Heaven as well. How did I miss out. I am miserable on Earth and I know for sure, my faith without doubting, that I will never get to heaven. Since I am no good to go to heaven I should at least have a little bit of pleasure on Earth before I get to Hell. Would I be sensible to say to the devil "Look, God is not going to have me so I will worship you just get me a little pleasure before I get to hell." T
To you saints that may seem terrible but God loves you people and gives miraculous gifts and blessings to you all but to me, like Pharaoh, or Esau, I was doomed from the start. Yet He gives me a little blessing just to lead me along but with every blessing comes a trial. Now do not tell me that God is testing my faith. Does not He know all things? Even a fool like me can tell Him I will fail every test, as I have done so far, so why does He waste His times with tests that He knows, and so do I, the outcome?
I wish I was loved by God, and not only with empty phrases that the Bible had directed to others, but not me. You keep telling me "everyone" is mentioned here and there in the Bible. But does everyone mean me? No. I can remember when in the past I was invited to some function but I could see that I clearly was not wanted. Why was I invited. Because someone invited say all the workers, or students and I just happened to be in that group and the people doing the invitations would of felt awkward making me an exception, or perhaps they couldn't, but they really would give me the impression I should have not came. That is the way with the Bible. The writers did not put "except Rex" back in those days because it would have seemed awkward as Rex was not to be born until way after the Bible was written, but clearly God did not mean to include me in His promises.
You know I have been so angry at God that I out loud told the Holy Spirit to get out of my life. Now I dare anyone tell me that is forgivable. And what use is being forgiven when I am forgotten? People talk of the horrors of abortion that some babies never get to live. Like Judas, it would have been better that I was never born.
You guy can enjoy your fellowship with God and I guess you can have spiritual, and worldly, blessing now plus have eternal life. I wish that were true for me and I am not going to deceive myself anymore. I never had a chance.
I can barely write. I have been living on a dream trying to get into a MBA program. Not that I plan to be rich. Why an MBA. Because that is where my talents and interests lie. I cannot be a singer. I have been scrapping by with loans and handouts and God keeps putting up barriers on top of this. I am not a young man anymore. God surely, like Esau has chosen to hate me before I was born. I never had a chance. When I feel despondent people keep telling me about help lines--which are not Christian. What do I want to live for if I am going to be out in the street. God rewards atheists more that He helps me. Maybe I have committed blasphemy in that I do not care anymore. I keep hearing preachers talk about sinners enjoying a season of pleasure but then spending eternity in torment in Hell. They also speak of others being suffering on Earth but having eternal happiness in heaven for all of eternity. I also know some who enjoy life here on Earth who are Christians and will enjoy life forever in Heaven as well. How did I miss out. I am miserable on Earth and I know for sure, my faith without doubting, that I will never get to heaven. Since I am no good to go to heaven I should at least have a little bit of pleasure on Earth before I get to Hell. Would I be sensible to say to the devil "Look, God is not going to have me so I will worship you just get me a little pleasure before I get to hell." T
To you saints that may seem terrible but God loves you people and gives miraculous gifts and blessings to you all but to me, like Pharaoh, or Esau, I was doomed from the start. Yet He gives me a little blessing just to lead me along but with every blessing comes a trial. Now do not tell me that God is testing my faith. Does not He know all things? Even a fool like me can tell Him I will fail every test, as I have done so far, so why does He waste His times with tests that He knows, and so do I, the outcome?
I wish I was loved by God, and not only with empty phrases that the Bible had directed to others, but not me. You keep telling me "everyone" is mentioned here and there in the Bible. But does everyone mean me? No. I can remember when in the past I was invited to some function but I could see that I clearly was not wanted. Why was I invited. Because someone invited say all the workers, or students and I just happened to be in that group and the people doing the invitations would of felt awkward making me an exception, or perhaps they couldn't, but they really would give me the impression I should have not came. That is the way with the Bible. The writers did not put "except Rex" back in those days because it would have seemed awkward as Rex was not to be born until way after the Bible was written, but clearly God did not mean to include me in His promises.
You know I have been so angry at God that I out loud told the Holy Spirit to get out of my life. Now I dare anyone tell me that is forgivable. And what use is being forgiven when I am forgotten? People talk of the horrors of abortion that some babies never get to live. Like Judas, it would have been better that I was never born.
You guy can enjoy your fellowship with God and I guess you can have spiritual, and worldly, blessing now plus have eternal life. I wish that were true for me and I am not going to deceive myself anymore. I never had a chance.
