Remarriage after divorce, right or wrong?

[SkyeBlue8]

Ok, I have a topic on my heart right now and it is just bugging me so much. This topic is actually from another thread in another part of this forum, and some people may know which one I am referring to. I'm also not trying to point fingers or put anyone in the spotlight. I'm also not trying to make anyone feel bad, as in the poster of this topic, as well as the other person involved. I just have to write about this.

Anyway, the topic that is bothering me, is remarriage after divorce.

I'm well aware that the only permissable reason for divorce is adultery. That way if you divorce because of that, you will not be sinning.

I'm also aware that divorcing due to any other reason is considered a sin, which would make it wrong for you to remarry IF YOU NEVER REPENTED AND ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS of the divorce. (That's what my stance is).
But, once you do repent of the sin and are forgiven by the Lord, it is my understanding that, after you've been washed by the blood of Christ, and are able to start over again with a clean slate, that you are allowed to remarry again, without it being a sin. Cuz obviously, God has forgiven you and you've started over.

The thing that is bothering me so much is this: a young girl has condemned herself to a life without marriage because she had gotten a divorce, and now believes that remarriage would be a sin. I guess this girl has searched and prayed for the answer and has come to that conclusion.

With all due respect to her, I just don't understand that. If God truly forgives and forgets our sin (as he wants his people to do for others) then why would this girl then be unable to start fresh again, why would she be condemned?
I'm just being totally misunderstood by the people in that thread, I'm being called disrespectful and "condemning" as someone has said. But I'm not. I'm just so bothered by the fact this girl seems to have 'condemned herself', when it seems to me, God would never do such a thing to her.

What does everyone else think? I'm at a loss here. The people from that thread won't take what I say seriously, and I think my opinion is deeply rooted in the word of God: That God forgives us, no matter what the sin, and we are able to start fresh again. Divorce is not the "unforgiveable sin". No sin is unforgiveable, if it was we'd all be in deep trouble.
Please help!

 

[charligirl]

I have posted this before, but as it is relevant here I will do so again.

I looked into this pretty seriously as my husband was married before. Jesus was actually talking to believers when he spoke about divorce and most people seem to agree that if it happened before conversion the divorcee is free to marry again. But what about believers?

If Jesus' words about divorce was the absolute final word on the matter and covered every situation then why did Peter add another caveat about unbelieving spouses? Perhaps because there ARE in fact other situations and circumstances. In my serach for answers I came across this bible study.

If we look at the passage in 1 Cor 7 and look into the Greek we see that Paul uses the imperative verb in the Greek for v 1-2 which states that 'each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband'.. the imperative verb suggests 'let each man have his own wife', a general principle, NOT a binding moral command. If it was a command we would have to argue that we should ALL be married.. obviously that is not the case!

If that is case then we need to look at verses 1 Cor 7 v 12-15 where Paul also uses the imperative form, this would mean this is NOT a command of 'must not divorce' rather the counsel and guideline of 'let him not divorce'. It is a rule which we should make every effort to comply - but it does not say there are never exceptions.

There is also a point of debate in verses 27-28 with the translation on the original Greek for the term 'unmarried' . In verse 27 the literal translation is not "never married" as we would understand it, but rather "released from a wife" it uses the identical root verb employed in the expression the NIV translates "seek a divorce" in the previous sentance.

The NEB has a more accurate translation, "are you bound in marrige? do not seek a dissolution. Has your marriage been dissolved? Do not seek a wife" This is critical because it means the next sentance is speaking to divorcees - and it says 'but if you do marry you are not sinning'

So looking at the original Greek does in fact throw up some grey areas as to divorce and remarriage

 

[bkg]

I'm well aware that the only permissable reason for divorce is adultery. That way if you divorce because of that, you will not be sinning.

I personally disagree with you there...

I'm also aware that divorcing due to any other reason is considered a sin, which would make it wrong for you to remarry IF YOU NEVER REPENTED AND ASKED FOR FORGIVENESS of the divorce. (That's what my stance is).

Forgiveness must not be confused with "permission to commit more sin", as is often the case. Remarriage for a non-"allowable" divorce would be adultery, would it not? Would that not be committing a new sin? Many interpretations to this - I fall on the conservative side.

The thing that is bothering me so much is this: a young girl has condemned herself to a life without marriage because she had gotten a divorce, and now believes that remarriage would be a sin. I guess this girl has searched and prayed for the answer and has come to that conclusion.

I am going to say it once again, because now I'm admittedly peeved - Who is anyone here to judge this girl? Who is anyone to say she is condemning herself for studying the word and coming to a Biblical conclusion? She is, in my opinion, taking ownership for decisions and the consequences of those decisions... Frankly, there are more people here doing that than let on because of this type of judgement. Please do not claim she is condemning herself for choosing God over the flesh... PLEASE!

I'm just being totally misunderstood by the people in that thread, I'm being called disrespectful and "condemning" as someone has said. But I'm not. I'm just so bothered by the fact this girl seems to have 'condemned herself', when it seems to me, God would never do such a thing to her.

You're bothered that she is chosing God's word? Or your bothered that she has chosen to not-remarry? Either way, it was you who has chosen to use the word "condemn" - and people have asked you to please not do so. Does she feel condemned, or does she feel right with God? And whose business is it of ours to judge that?

Maybe it's just a misinterpretation on my part, but you have used the word "condemned" numerous times with respect to this young ladies decision - she has not (to the best of our knowledge)....

What does everyone else think? I'm at a loss here. The people from that thread won't take what I say seriously, and I think my opinion is deeply rooted in the word of God: That God forgives us, no matter what the sin, and we are able to start fresh again. Divorce is not the "unforgiveable sin". No sin is unforgiveable, if it was we'd all be in deep trouble.

There are unforgiveable sins - sinning against the Holy Spirit is strickly called out. And forgiveness of one sin does not, in my understanding, give a person permission to commit another in my interpretation. This is why I think the divorce/remarriage discussion MUST be separated into two topics - divorce is one issue.... Remarriage is related, but completely separate. We as Christians are falling into the wordly mentality that divorce=available for remarriage, which I don't think is true (I may be wrong, who knows?).

Please don't think that people are not taking you seriously - if we weren't, we wouldn't respond or offer differing points of view/interpretations. I take you very seriously, and I am very opinionated - makes for a great combination, eh?

Bottom line, for me, is this: Let us not judge this young lady as being "self condeming" for following God... If we do that, we are in a sense, stating that Jesus was wrong to be a non-conformist or not "of this world"... And are we to not walk in the footprints of Christ and strive to be more like him?

I'm sure I've come across as a grumpy guy - this topic gets me fired up...

EDIT: SkyeBlue8 - I just want to make sure that you know I hope that I don't sound judgemental towards you at all, as I really don't intend to be. I have the utmost respect for this young lady for her decision as I know there is no way it could have been an easy one. It may not be the decision that others would make, which is fine, but I will defend her position as long as I have breath, because it's a courageous one, and a difficult one. She deserves our support and prayers.

 

[Lulubee]

Here is my 2 cents on the divorce issue. My husband has cheated on me and I haven't divorced him although I have been told that according to the Bible, it would be allowed. Divorce is a LAST resort. If the party that has cheated refuses to repent and work out the problems, then I believe there is grounds for divorce.

Malachi 2
16 "I hate divorce," says the LORD God of Israel
Matthew 5
32But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
Matthew 19/Mark10 also talks about divorce and the Pharisees testing him with some of the same exact questions we test God with. It also talks how divorce was permitted in the Old Testament because mens hearts were hard. God gives us free will and many choose divorce but it's still a sin. In Mark 10, Jesus says that any man that divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultrey and vice versa.

I don't know your friends complete situation in her marriage. But do you KNOW that she's condemning herself. If she is, then she hasn't completely forgiven herself or her ex-husband for the divorce and hasn't given the situation to God. Maybe in her prayer life, she was told by God not to remarry. Who are we to judge her for not remarrying?

 

[heartnsoul]

Hello,

I agree with the above posts, but I do have one differing perspective I would like to share. First of all, we all need to remember that God can't be put in a box. The bible has been interpreted too many different ways by different denominations and people. So it's difficult to say which interpretation is the correct one. I, personally, have been divorced twice. I remarried again after my first divorce. My second husband and I have been married 10 years now and I have not been punished by God. So remarrying again, to me, is not an unforgivable sin. From my experiences in life so far, I have learned that God is a HUGE God. He has a BIG heart and you cannot put God in a box and say, "This is what God is." In other words, through my decision to remarry the second time, I have learned a lot through this second marriage. My husband and I have gone through a lot together and have grown together these past 10 years. My husband wasn't even a Christian when I married him, but things worked out and he is now a Christian. Miracles do happen... and with God, all things are possible. Just because we call ourselves Christians, doesn't mean even Christians can't fall away. I have fallen away from God several years ago, but after experiencing some of the emotional growing pains in life, I have recommitted myself to God again. Now my faith is stronger than it ever has been.

So, even with bad decisions in life, God can still use those situations and people to bring us closer to Him. I know this from personal experience. Also, God can take even the worst of situations and turn them into a positive one to glorify Him. In all fairness to the above posts, I think the girl should definitely take some "time out" and work on her own personal growth for a while before entering into another serious relationship with a guy. She needs to re-establish her walk with God and see what happens. I don't think anyone should judge or predict her "path" in life. Everyone is at different walks in their spiritual journey. If we all continue with our own paths and focus our hearts and minds in trusting God, things will work out. And even if some of us take a path that we think is "weird" or "incorrect", let's not ever underestimate the power of God. He is AWESOME and can teach us lessons better than anyone in this world. So my wish is for the girl to heal from whatever she is going through and hopefully she will find happiness again when the time is right.

Even after a divorce, I believe that God is still working on the hearts of the two people to get them to reunite. That is my own personal belief. However, the people have free will to do what they want and one or both parties may not choose to reunite. Life happens, and we just have to move on, heal and look to brighter days. We may move on but God is always there to help us grow closer to Him. I am thankful that God is big enough to forgive us and big enough to let us make mistakes and big enough to take us back when we repent and still continue loving us. Amen!!

 

[Cright]

I know what I'm about to say might sound a little harsh no matter how I say it.. so please just know that I'm saying this in love ... and I don't mean to fire anyone up.. so here it goes.

I believe that we are growing more and more all the time into a "ME" society. When scripture tells us to be a God first, other second, then me last, society.

I also believe that God made the 'rules' because he loves us and knows what's best for us, these are the rules to be the happiest, most whole followers of God we can be.

I believe that God hates divorce (no matter the reason, I think he even hates it when it is because of adultry, although he'll accept it under those circumstances).

I believe that re-marriage after a spouce has passed away is acceptable to God (til death do us part). I believe that re-marriage after divorce from adultry (by the faithful spouce) is questionable. Remember we're not commanded to divorce due to this.. it's OUR CHOICE to be single.

I don't think anyone is condemned to singlehood... we need to follow God's rules to please him, our Lord and savior. I would not call what this woman is doing condemnation.. I would call it personal sacrifice for our Savior. He DIED for me... what's the big deal that I'd have to follow his rules to please him?

Personally... I don't like the 'rule' he made about no pre-marital sex.. truth be told.. It'd be MUCH easier for me to have sex w/ my fiance when we feel aroused instead of going home early from dates or changing plans that might keep us in alone if we are feeling temptation. However, I think that if he will suffer a horrific death, and the devil's temptation for me... than I can do my best to wait (weather I personally want to or not ... back to the ME society thing i mentioned) because God wants it.

My $.02

Carina

PS - I do not mean this as a judgement. It's for God to decided. I'm convinced based on what I read in his word to the thoughts I wrote down. I don't judge anyone who has been married more than once, I have family members who were/are. I love them and pray for them, Christian or not. I haven't lived through their situations or know what has or has not happened.

to the OP - I feel that your friend still has the choice to be with her ex-husband if she/they choose(s) to reconsile. I don't think it's a horrible existance for her to not re-marry either. She can have a wonderful, God serving, happy life, without a husband or the worries a marriage can bring.

God Bless!!

 

[Yitzchak]

Some sins require not only repentance but also restitution. For example, if I stole my neighbors lawnmower and then felt bad and repented and asked forgiveness of God. God would certainly forgive me. However, if I kept the lawnmower, you could see how my neighbor would be a little choked every time he saw me mowing my yard and waving at him saying " hey, I'm forgiven, sorry about you not having a lawnmower anymore".

My point in this silly little story is that when we have the power to make restitution for our worng we need to do so. For example, I should return the lawnmower.

In the context of our discussion about divorce. What is the proper restitution?? That is where the issue gets sticky. Espeacially if there are children involved. For this reason , I have heard many churches teach that remarriage is sin if there is no attempt on my part to make restitution and/or reconciliation with the ex.

Anyway, bottomline, I believe that you are correct that God will set us free from the past and give us a new future even in the case of divorce and remarriage. I do believe though, that we are responsible to make peace with our past mistakes in the sense of restitution. In some cases all we can do is apologize to the ex and to our children. In other cases, it may be just between us and God. But the point is, we need to be free to move on and in the clear and not just grab some cheap grace while the people we hurt pay the cost of our sins. An honest attempt at restitution is neccesary in most cases.

 

[bkg]

I believe that we are growing more and more all the time into a "ME" society. When scripture tells us to be a God first, other second, then me last, society.

Very true...

I also believe that God made the 'rules' because he loves us and knows what's best for us, these are the rules to be the happiest, most whole followers of God we can be.

Very true... I'd replace the word "happiest" with "most joyful"...

I believe that God hates divorce (no matter the reason, I think he even hates it when it is because of adultry, although he'll accept it under those circumstances).

Very true...

I believe that re-marriage after a spouce has passed away is acceptable to God (til death do us part). I believe that re-marriage after divorce from adultry (by the faithful spouce) is questionable. Remember we're not commanded to divorce due to this.. it's OUR CHOICE to be single.

i'm with you until the last sentence... The one that I admittedly struggle with is the people who were divorced against their will... That one still confuses me... and I have no strong feelings either way at this point...

I don't think anyone is condemned to singlehood... we need to follow God's rules to please him, our Lord and savior. I would not call what this woman is doing condemnation.. I would call it personal sacrifice for our Savior. He DIED for me... what's the big deal that I'd have to follow his rules to please him?

Very true..

to the OP - I feel that your friend still has the choice to be with her ex-husband if she/they choose(s) to reconsile. I don't think it's a horrible existance for her to not re-marry either. She can have a wonderful, God serving, happy life, without a husband or the worries a marriage can bring.

God Bless!!

True - AMEN!

 

[lost72]

Forgiveness must not be confused with "permission to commit more sin", as is often the case. Remarriage for a non-"allowable" divorce would be adultery, would it not? Would that not be committing a new sin? Many interpretations to this - I fall on the conservative side.

I have researched and researched and researched! I know what I read, I know what the bible says. But here is my situation and how I feel about "FORGIVENESS" I am not a christian, well hmm dont get me wrong, since I dont really understand what one is. I mean I believe, and I belong to a church but not a church of my choice. I want to become a Christian in the Church of Christ. So until I am baptized and cleansed I do not believe I am a Christian, but I dont consider myself an unbeiever. I feel that yes it is a sin to get divorced for the wrong reasons, but I do believe that God has forgiveness. Will he forgive me for the divorce which was wrong but very justifiable?? Yes I believe so. But say I was to remarry?? Then I decided to become a Christian 1Corinthians 7 -20 Everyone should remain as he was when he accepted God's call.
So if I was remarried and repented for my sin because I do know its wrong, then am I not to remain married after I get baptized?? It would again be a sin for me to divorce a 2nd time? I know forgiveness doesnt mean it washes away my divorce, but I believe I can repent and live a Christian life.

Is it a sin to steal? If you were starving for food would you steal some to eat and feed your family? Do you not know its wrong? Can you be forgiven. All humans make mistakes. God knows this, God knows there is sin in the world. I got married young although I was with him for 5 years prior to marriage. I admit I misjudged him and I made a mistake. He is Catholic, and feels he is a strong one, u know follows lent and their rules, but when it comes to following things in the bible like respecting me the way he should and many other details it was not in his thoughts. He is the selfish one. But doesn't the bible teach that if you can't live single it is better to marry than burn with passion. I am not looking for remarriage for sex. I am looking for companionship from my best friend and someone to grow old with. I do have a best friend of the opposite sex and we are not physical in any way. But I do know we want to be together. Even if we cant be married. Sounds strange but we are committed to one another without any physical as hard as it is, and probably hard for anyone to believe.

 

[lost72]

It is confusing out there for so many. Wanting to do whats right, but so desperatly searching for answers for the millions of questions there is regarding divorce and remarrige. I have found a site awhile ago, but this is where alot of my confusion comes in. Anyone who wants to check it out, use this link www.divorcehope.org/id26.html on the right side of the page there is also 28 more relating topics. I would love feed back from anyone regarding the crediblity of this site!

 

[SkyeBlue8]

Thank you everyone for your posts.

Bkg, no I'm not mad or offended about anything you said, or anything anyone said. This topic gets me fired up as well. Please understand, even though I used the word "condemn" I didn't actually mean that "this girl is condemned". It just appears to me that she is choosing to 'condemn herself' in a sense, from my standpoint. Because she sincerely believes she isn't supposed to remarry. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels that way..Also I'm not trying to 'judge' her, I'm just voicing my opinion about this topic and asking others for input. But look at it this way, when we discuss another person's decisions, can we really be absolutely judgement-free? I'm not really sure.

I'm pretty back and forth on this issue. It's a strange one. I respect this girl's decision, yet at the same time, I just can't understand it. I have a hard time completely separating myself from the situation. When it comes to others decisions I tend to put myself in their places, and think about what I would have done (forgetting others situations are much different than mine, as well as what's right for them). Honestly I'm pretty sure I'd feel at peace with remarrying. And this girl is so young, it seems like a huge waste. It looked to me like she was just feeling guilty and nothing more. And if that's true, then she is missing out. God doesn't want us to feel guilty.

Also I was just going by what's written in Matthew and Luke when I said that adultery was the only permissble reason for divorce. Summed up it says anyone who is divorced for reasons other than adultery is an adulterer/adultress. I mean, that's what it says, plainly, when taken at face value. That's hard for me to understand as well. What about abuse, and other serious stuff like that? I'm definitely unsure about those things.

And it is true that people can live a joyful life unmarried, and can serve God, but what if that person still desires marriage? It is a tough decision to make, to sacrifice yourself in that way. The majority of us, if I'm not mistaken, besides people like Paul, Jesus and John the Baptist, are called to marry. The question really is, is it really neccessary to sacrifice yourself in this way? Does God really want us to do that? It is so confusing.

I'm not trying to judge this girl, it just makes me feel like she is making this decision based on guilt. No matter what, I realize it must have a been such a hard decision. But if she is making the wrong decision, then she is missing out on something that God may intend for her, as in a remarriage. And it makes me very sad...I don't even know this girl, I don't even know her name, but for some reason as soon as I learned of this it just upset me. I don't know what the reason is.

Everyone has some good points and views on divorce and remarriage, but it is so tough to come to a conclusion. For me it is because I never thought that God wouldn't allow us to completely start over after we have repented of our sin, and by that I mean remarriage. I realize you can start over without marriage but in this specific case I mean remarriage.

Quote by Bkg- Forgiveness must not be confused with "permission to commit more sin", as is often the case. Remarriage for a non-"allowable" divorce would be adultery, would it not? Would that not be committing a new sin? Many interpretations to this - I fall on the conservative side.

I'm still trying to figure this out. A lot of people including a friend of mine see remarriage as a sin because the covenant hasn't been broken. He says remarriage would be a cop out. Personally I wish I knew, then I'd be at peace.

Quote by Yitzchak- Anyway, bottomline, I believe that you are correct that God will set us free from the past and give us a new future even in the case of divorce and remarriage. I do believe though, that we are responsible to make peace with our past mistakes in the sense of restitution. In some cases all we can do is apologize to the ex and to our children. In other cases, it may be just between us and God. But the point is, we need to be free to move on and in the clear and not just grab some cheap grace while the people we hurt pay the cost of our sins. An honest attempt at restitution is neccesary in most cases.
I agree with this but at what price do we give restitution? Maybe it's different for everyone?

Quote by Lost72-Is it a sin to steal? If you were starving for food would you steal some to eat and feed your family? Do you not know its wrong? Can you be forgiven. All humans make mistakes. God knows this, God knows there is sin in the world. I got married young although I was with him for 5 years prior to marriage. I admit I misjudged him and I made a mistake. He is Catholic, and feels he is a strong one, u know follows lent and their rules, but when it comes to following things in the bible like respecting me the way he should and many other details it was not in his thoughts. He is the selfish one. But doesn't the bible teach that if you can't live single it is better to marry than burn with passion. I am not looking for remarriage for sex. I am looking for companionship from my best friend and someone to grow old with. I do have a best friend of the opposite sex and we are not physical in any way. But I do know we want to be together. Even if we cant be married. Sounds strange but we are committed to one another without any physical as hard as it is, and probably hard for anyone to believe.

This is why I have such trouble with this topic. The desire for remarriage may still remain.

Quote by Lulubee- I don't know your friends complete situation in her marriage. But do you KNOW that she's condemning herself. If she is, then she hasn't completely forgiven herself or her ex-husband for the divorce and hasn't given the situation to God. Maybe in her prayer life, she was told by God not to remarry. Who are we to judge her for not remarrying?

Again I'm not trying to 'judge' her, I'm just trying to figure out if what she is doing is right. This goes for any person who has been in this situation, not just her. Do we really have this obligation to refrain from marriage? It's a very sad thing. But I do want to know the truth very much.

Who knows, maybe God told this one person not to remarry, but will tell another person to marry again. I guess I may have a problem with 'putting God in a box', thinking things should always be done a certain way (but I think sometimes we all may do that). It's not that I'm legalistic, I just think that God would allow the same things for everyone. What I mean by that is, it seems the most fair for everyone to have the same 'rights', as in the right to remarry. I just always thought God would treat us all the same in that respect. You guys know what I mean? But maybe I've misunderstood something very important. I'm a relatively new Christian, I've only been saved for 2 1/2 years, so forgive me if I seem naiive.
Well that's all I have to say about it for now, thanks everyone for your posts so far.

 

[bkg]

Sky -

GREAT POST!

I agree with you 100% that it's a difficult discussion, a difficult topic to understand. The idea of not remarrying is antithetical to who we are in our humanness, who we are as God-created people (afterall, He saw that man was alone and created a partner!)... However, I come back to Psalms - "lean not unto your own understanding"...

I agree that there is only one potential allowable reason to initiate a divorce in the Bible - that is infidelity (pre/post wedding day is still up for discussion, I think). So now we may be forced into a situation of separating the "initiator" from the "I didn't want this but I have no recourse" roles. I firmly agree with Cright in her assessment that a person who chooses to divorce CHOOSES to be disobedient to God and CHOOSES to be alone and CHOOSES to accept the consequences of that decision. What I do not yet know how to reconcile is those who did not choose the path - who had no say in the final decision.

I could argue that those people, myself being one of them, did make a choice in the marriage to not treat his/her spouse as Christ treated the church, and therefore in a related and direct way, did choose to make this path a possibility, but I think that is a bit of a stretch, even if realistic. 1 Corinthians says "let the unbeliever leave" and that the believer is "not bound" in those circumstances, but wow - I still can't get my head wrapped around that one at all.

For me, Marriage is the ultimate expression of God - the relatinoship that HE designed, the path that HE has chosen for us. God forgives, and Christ specifically commanded us to do the same, up to 7x70 times per day. So I struggle, as Michael so eloquently stated, with what I see as peoples hypocritical nature when it comes to divorce: My spouse did this, so I will divorce rather than forgive... But even though I'm choosing to sin, God will forgive me. Why do we expect God to forgive us when we don't forgive our spouses? God designed marriage to be a reflection of His love, His desired relationship with us - yet we choose to ignore that forgiveness is CORE to that relationship... Is forgiveness easy? Not always. But it's a command.

Sky, I admire the fact that you are seeking knowledge in this area - it parallels my own thirst for understanding. I don't think this girl is self-condemning in any way; I believe she is choosing to accept her situation, her decisions, the consequences that go along with those decisions. Is it what God wants for her? Dunno - I'm sure God didn't want the divorce for her either... Does the idea of being "alone" for the rest of her life appeal? Likely not, but God never stated that we would have a simple, easy life... God bless her for walking this path.

I will say this - I'm greatly pleased with the path this thread has taken. While there has definitely been differences of opinion, this has been BY FAR the most reasonable discussion on this topic that I've seen here on CF.

Let us not forget one thing - we are not God. We cannot walk around claiming to know things about God that are not written in His words to us. Many people will state that the Bible isn't all inclusive and that they have other information - but when that information is in violation of what the Bible says, we MUST lean back on the words that God gave to us directly. Satan is the great deceiver, and he will do anything to twist our thinking, our beliefs to those that are firmly set against the Word of God.

Great discussion!!!!

 

[heartnsoul]

Sky,

Also, I don't know how old the girl is. From the posts here, it sounds like she is very young. She may feel that way now about not wanting to remarry, but time does have a way of changing people.

For instance, when I was in my twenties & thirties, I had a strong conviction to "change the world." It was so easy to criticize and judge others. I thought I had all the answers to solve the world's problems. Now that I am 40 years old, I realize that life is much more complicated than that. God is much bigger than I originally thought. God cannot be put into a box. I can only work on myself and make life around me the best it could be. I cannot control others nor do I want to. I see life from a much different perspective than when I was younger. As I get older, I have more compassion for others than I did when I was younger.

I am now reluctant to judge or criticize others because I know that everyone has his/her own walk with God. We all learn differently in life. What works for one person, may not work for someone else. What brings one person to his/her knees, may not bring someone else. Lessons of life are continually learned. So who knows what the future will bring for the girl? Right now she doesn't want to remarry. That's fine. As she grows older, she may change her mind and choose a different decision for herself. All we can do as Christians is to love her, accept her the way she is, give her some advice, show her the pros and cons of decisions, pray for her and leave the rest up to God. Praise the lord!

 

[Yitzchak]

I do think that the level of restitution differs from person to person. I also think that this principle applies to other sins as well and not just divorce. It has been my experience in churches that our generation is weak in this area of restitution no matter what the sin. But yes I agree 100% that it differs from person to person and I think this is where the majority of the disagreement lies when it comes to divorce and remarriage. I think almost all agree that God can and will forgive divorce and give us a blessed present and future. It is the level of restitution that is argued over. In some cases it is even taught that nothing short of reconciling to the former spouse is acceptable.
I can give my personal testimony that God has blessed my second marriage and given me peace.

 

[Yitzchak]

I also wanted to add this. I think there are a lot of ex's out there who would be helped greatly to heal if their ex would come and give them the apology they deserve. So many times we move on and think there was blame on both sides so why should I apologize. Sometimes, our apology could be the thing that softens their heart allowing them to forgive and begin to heal.
Just a thought.

 

[heartnsoul]

I also wanted to add this. I think there are a lot of ex's out there who would be helped greatly to heal if their ex would come and give them the apology they deserve. So many times we move on and think there was blame on both sides so why should I apologize. Sometimes, our apology could be the thing that softens their heart allowing them to forgive and begin to heal.
Just a thought.

You seem to have very strong feelings about apologies. In a perfect world, it would be WONDERFUL if everyone owned up to their faults and apologized to the appropriate parties of their wrongs. But in this real world, it often does not happen in that neat of a package. I, like, you believe in apologies. I have always wanted people to apologize for their wrongs. But I have realized as I got older that forgiveness is just as powerful. If someone wronged me, and he/she did not apologize to me, then am I to never heal??? According to your last post, (if I did not misread it) it seems you are of the belief the "wronged" will never heal. That is not true. The "wronged" hopefully would have already reconciled their hurt feelings with God. And if the "wronged" has a strong faith and walk with God, the "wronged" will have already forgiven the "wrong doer." So whether the "wrong doer" ever apologized is irrelevant. Please know that I mean no disrespect to you. I just see it a little differently than you do. I have been in the position of the "wronged" and after I have come to terms with that with God and have truly forgiven that "wrong doer", I do not feel the "wrong doer" owes me any kind of restitution.

So in my opinion, the restitution that you are referring to, really should be between God and the wrong doer. Granted, please know that it would be *nice* of the "wrong doer" to apologize to the "wronged", but I know from experience that the "wronged" is not forever condemned and stagnated. With the power and grace of God, the "wronged" moves on and forgives wholeheartedly.

Here's a thought: How many times have all of us in this world been wronged? If we all held our breath and waited for every apology or restitution from all the wrongdoers, we would all be pretty miserable holding grudges everyday.
Thank God we can all experience the power of God and the beauty of forgiveness. Expecting restitution or expecting apologies is no different than holding on to grudges. Also, expecting restitution is just another way to keep dwelling on the past and negativity or demanding justice.

Forgiveness goes hand in hand with compassion. I agree with you that restitution and apologies would be nice, but I do not feel it is mandatory or a necessity for healing. Healing comes from God along with forgiveness and compassion.

Also, keep in mind, not all divorces are that cut and dry where one is the perpetrator and one is the victim. There are so many scenarios where both parties were wrong and just immature. Some are just incompatible. I do not believe that all divorces fall under the category of Person A wronged Person B. Hey, I would even venture to say that both parties may feel they were both in the "right" with their reason to divorce. For that matter, it may have been mutually agreed upon by both parties, so there is no wrongdoer and wronged. Again, I do not think all divorce issues are that "black and white". Divorces are very complicated.

But anyway, these were just some thoughts I wanted to share. Please know I am not advocating divorce. I just have a lot of compassion for humans being "human" and making mistakes along their spiritual journey. And I thank God everyday that He is big enough and loving enough to forgive us. Hind sight is always 20-20 when we look back on some of the decisions we made. But hey, why keep look back? Let's learn the lessons of yesterday, focus on a beautiful today, and tomorrow will take care of itself. Praise God!

 

[Leanna]

It depends on the situation. I think remarriage in some situations is okay! No time for more, sorry, tata

 

[Mister_Guy]

Becauuse it was my theread that strated this discussoion, I would liek to put in my 2 cents regarding the matter. My ex's descision was a hard one and I know that it has not ben easy for her for the last couple of weeks but she stands firm on her decsion and is true to her convictins. This was not a decsiion that was made out on a whim and I know she prayed a lot about it and talked to many Godly peolple about it. The sad thing that bothers me aoubt this thred is that no one knows her and the depths of her desicion but are saying that she has condemnd herself. This is not a road that many people would chose and for the ones who have the strength and indurence to do it I appleud them. I was on the receving end but I still suppert her becase I know her. It stil hurts but after talking to people and working through some things in my head it makes sence and I cannot and will not act liek I don't care about her enough to stand by her deisicion. There are certain people here who have made that descison and it is not fair to them that they have to feel like what they are doing is completey stupid. It takes far more to stand by this desicion that it does to sit back and take the easier road.

 

[Yitzchak]

You seem to have very strong feelings about apologies. In a perfect world, it would be WONDERFUL if everyone owned up to their faults and apologized to the appropriate parties of their wrongs. But in this real world, it often does not happen in that neat of a package. I, like, you believe in apologies. I have always wanted people to apologize for their wrongs. But I have realized as I got older that forgiveness is just as powerful. If someone wronged me, and he/she did not apologize to me, then am I to never heal??? According to your last post, (if I did not misread it) it seems you are of the belief the "wronged" will never heal. That is not true. The "wronged" hopefully would have already reconciled their hurt feelings with God. And if the "wronged" has a strong faith and walk with God, the "wronged" will have already forgiven the "wrong doer." So whether the "wrong doer" ever apologized is irrelevant. Please know that I mean no disrespect to you. I just see it a little differently than you do. I have been in the position of the "wronged" and after I have come to terms with that with God and have truly forgiven that "wrong doer", I do not feel the "wrong doer" owes me any kind of restitution.

So in my opinion, the restitution that you are referring to, really should be between God and the wrong doer. Granted, please know that it would be *nice* of the "wrong doer" to apologize to the "wronged", but I know from experience that the "wronged" is not forever condemned and stagnated. With the power and grace of God, the "wronged" moves on and forgives wholeheartedly.

Here's a thought: How many times have all of us in this world been wronged? If we all held our breath and waited for every apology or restitution from all the wrongdoers, we would all be pretty miserable holding grudges everyday.
Thank God we can all experience the power of God and the beauty of forgiveness. Expecting restitution or expecting apologies is no different than holding on to grudges. Also, expecting restitution is just another way to keep dwelling on the past and negativity or demanding justice.

Forgiveness goes hand in hand with compassion. I agree with you that restitution and apologies would be nice, but I do not feel it is mandatory or a necessity for healing. Healing comes from God along with forgiveness and compassion.

Also, keep in mind, not all divorces are that cut and dry where one is the perpetrator and one is the victim. There are so many scenarios where both parties were wrong and just immature. Some are just incompatible. I do not believe that all divorces fall under the category of Person A wronged Person B. Hey, I would even venture to say that both parties may feel they were both in the "right" with their reason to divorce. For that matter, it may have been mutually agreed upon by both parties, so there is no wrongdoer and wronged. Again, I do not think all divorce issues are that "black and white". Divorces are very complicated.

But anyway, these were just some thoughts I wanted to share. Please know I am not advocating divorce. I just have a lot of compassion for humans being "human" and making mistakes along their spiritual journey. And I thank God everyday that He is big enough and loving enough to forgive us. Hind sight is always 20-20 when we look back on some of the decisions we made. But hey, why keep look back? Let's learn the lessons of yesterday, focus on a beautiful today, and tomorrow will take care of itself. Praise God!

As I said, it may differ from person to person. However, apologies are an important part of the healing process for many. I would hope that in my lawnmower example, the neighbor who was wronged would be able to forgive even though he saw me using his stolen mower every week to mow my lawn. Nevertheless, it would be to my benefit and probably remove a stumbling block from my neighbor's way.
Romans 14 teaches that we are to focus on making sure we don't put a stumbling block in someone's path. Beating up on someone emotionally because they have not overcome the stumbling block which we put in their path emotionally is wrong. It is true that many times we do not receive the apologies or restitution which we should receive. And it is in our best interests to forgive despite that. But justifying my putting of a stumbling block in my ex's path on the grounds that they should be strong enough to overcome is wrong.
Let me add one other though. Some of us have ex's who are not walking with the Lord and not interested in doing the right thing.
I agree with you that we are to focus on doing our part and not the other parties part. If I was the wronged and waiting for an apology then I should focus on what I can do which is forgive. However, if I was the one who wronged the other then my part is to do whatever I can in my power to repair the damage.
I have no obsession with apologies. However, it is a concrete thing we should and can do when we have wronged someone. There are many other things we can and should do in many divorce situations. However, an apology is the least we can do.

 

[Yitzchak]

Let me spell this out in case some of have read my posts and gotten bogged down in the details and missed the heart of what I am saying.
Jesus states that Moses allowed for divorce because of the hardness of people's hearts. The cause of divorce at it's root is hardness of heart in either one party or both parties. Jesus is concerned with our heart and not just the outward.
So when we speak of repentance and restitution , it flows out of the heart and not the reverse. If I have not softened my heart to my ex and to God then I have not allowed repentance to do it's complete work in me.
Was your heart hard or soft when you got your divorce?? Mine was soft in the beginning but hard by the time it all ended. As God softens our hearts we begin to lay aside the selfishness and focus instead on what we can do to love our ex and to repair in whatever way the damage caused by the divorce.
If I still have a hard heart towards my ex then I am not repentant and not ready to move on. True repentance leads to action and only God knows what particular action as it differs from situation to situation. However, true repentance which leads to a soft heart and true love for our ex does not take on the form of lukewarmness as described in the book of revelation. we may be able to fool people with a lukewarm attitude about our divorce but not God.
The bottomline is this. God gives us a new start and a new change at a future even if we have had 10 divorces. However, we need to be changed in our hearts and truelly repent or we will carry with us the same hardness of heart into our nest marriage. It is the hardness of heart that killed the marriage not all the surface things which people focus on.