Reconciling coniugal devotion and an open heart

[ClosetoDeath]

I won't avoid women's company because some may have wrong values or motives. I am responsible to honour my marriage vows and Christian standards.

If you knew/predicted that you could be tempted by the company of specific women, would you consider it in line with your values to avoid their company in first place, before even getting to know them?

 

[Johnnz]

I have dealt with sexually abused women, promiscuous teenagers, prostitutes and strip club workers, worked alongside sexually available women, and have many female friends and associates. My values are deeply rooted in that they have no hold upon me, not because I rigidly 'hold myself together' but due to well thought through values that mean sex outside of may marriage holds no attraction. I also have done photography and enjoyed attractive women as subjects. I attempt to see all people as people, not classified objects.

John
NZ

 

[CuddlyBear]

Sure, you're talking about situations in which you might tempt others (unwillingly). But what about situations in which you might be tempted by others. Would you avoid those, if you knew what causes them?

I don't get tempted, my husband doesn't get tempted - hence I can't relate to that particular question. We're content with what we have. IF I were ever in a situation which became tempting I would simply avoid it. As Johnnz says, they are just people and we see them as such. Our values are such that we don't see temptation in a situation where some might. Other people are simply a neutral stimulus.

 

[Peripatetic]

X, in my case, has been making friends or socializing with new women.

In my specific case, for almost a year I have been completely avoiding any interaction with other women

Ok, I get it now. I thought that there was an implication that your job or some specific lifestyle choice gave you "overexposure to more attractive women" (using your own words). I figured you might be something like a bartender or nightclub bouncer - which would be more difficult for someone who wants to avoid flirting.

I'll repeat what I said earlier: make friends and socialize with women who don't tempt you, and avoid the women that do tempt you. It's a straightforward equation that many Christian guys do for a lifetime. If you have a typical job and lifestyle, most of the women you meet probably won't be sexually attractive. Cutting out "any interaction with other women" is overcompensating. Just check your conscience. If you feel lustful thoughts... flee from the temptation, as Paul tell us in 1 Corinthians 6:18. If not, go ahead and socialize and have friendships that remain at a comfortable distance.

 

[ClosetoDeath]

My values are deeply rooted in that they have no hold upon me, not because I rigidly 'hold myself together' but due to well thought through values that mean sex outside of may marriage holds no attraction.

I respect and understand that you have values, but my question was one of logic, i.e. if you knew/predicted that something may have a tempting effect on you, (IF!) wouldn't you avoid that something?

 

[ClosetoDeath]

I would also like to mention to everyone that I am not talking about sheer sexual and physical attraction, but general chemistry.

What I mean by temptation is also logical/emotional temptation.

An imaginary situation I fear is that some woman who generates more chemistry with me will try to convince me (through speech, rethorics, etc.) that being together with her might be better for my wellbeing/happiness/etc.

Isn't this kind of logical/emotional temptation the reason why many couples break up (since they feel that "someone else is better")?

Please note this is all only logic pondering, but while it has never actually happened to me, I have a very vivid imagination (e.g. if a friend tells me "Imagine what you would do if your loved one cheats on you", I actually feel as if she really cheated on me). So I am discussing all this to keep my imagination under control...

 

[ClosetoDeath]

Ok, I get it now. I thought that there was an implication that your job or some specific lifestyle choice gave you "overexposure to more attractive women" (using your own words). I figured you might be something like a bartender or nightclub bouncer - which would be more difficult for someone who wants to avoid flirting.

I am in tourism and leisure, so often accompany groups across the world, meet many new people, provide for their entertainment. Therefore I often also attend nightclubs and organize parties of all types, from top venues to specialized ones. I have also done some DJ work in my part-time so many of my acquaintances are from the entertainment scene.

Since choreographic dance has been my passion since childhood (but I have stopped since years) I also dream to spend some time again in that field. But I stayed away from that because there is plenty of women there, there's lot of physical contact and body interaction, and... you know what I mean.
I would really really really like to dance again, but am have abstained because of potential temptation. I feel that this abstaining has made me feel more connected to the woman I love.

I'll repeat what I said earlier: make friends and socialize with women who don't tempt you, and avoid the women that do tempt you. It's a straightforward equation that many Christian guys do for a lifetime. If you have a typical job and lifestyle, most of the women you meet probably won't be sexually attractive. Cutting out "any interaction with other women" is overcompensating. Just check your conscience. If you feel lustful thoughts... flee from the temptation, as Paul tell us in 1 Corinthians 6:18. If not, go ahead and socialize and have friendships that remain at a comfortable distance.

As I said before, on the one hand I consider this a "balanced solution" to my problem, but I feel it contraddicts with the general idea of loving others. What I fear is that if I chose to live with selective friendship, I will discriminate. And somehow discrimination doesn't fit my idea of loving everyone (agape way) and treating everyone the same way.
That's why I am skeptic about the balanced solution and prefer an extreme either one or the other.

 

[ClosetoDeath]

I feel that by writing all these details we're just adding confusion to the problem. Let me state this the simplest way possible.

IF you know or discover (due to some secret knowledge or something others don't know) that something you and everyone would normally consider a natural part of your life is potentially responsible for creating harm, wouldn't it make sense to remove such part?