Newlywed help on intimacy and what is normal

[Fae2Fae]

Hi everyone! My name is Fae and I'm new to this site! I was hoping to come to a nice forum for some help because my mind has been screaming for answers to these endless questions and thoughts that have been bottled up. I would talk to a counselor or something but honestly typing is easier for what I'm about to ask help for. I hope anyone can help me, I want my marriage to work and will take all advice!

To start, I need to do a quick background. I was sexually abused as a child so I never sought out any relationships and felt more comfortable being by myself and avoiding all forms of intimacy etc. I meant a guy who is very stubborn and stayed with me (dating) for 6 years despite me avoiding all types of intimacy. I honestly kept waiting for him to back out thinking "how could anyone love me" and just kind of went with the flow. It was a long distance relationship so it made not having to kiss, hold hands, etc. a lot easier. Moving on, we got married in April and on the day we were going to the courthouse I kept telling him, now's your chance to back out, but he never did so we ended up being married. I really did not want to get married but I said yes because of my past I developed the inability to say no. Don't get me wrong, I love him and he has done so much for me, but I didn't want to get married because I know he deserves so much better then myself. Okay so now the problem, it seems he wants sex all the time, I'll give you a days example. I'm trying to sleep and he'll roll over, hug on to me and push his erection against me and start asking: are you awake, this is unfortunate (about his erection), and sometimes he'll take my hand and put it on his erection--he does this pretty much every morning when I just want to sleep. Then I decide just to wake up because I start to feel really uncomfortable because it is still strange to me to be so close to anyone. I'll go to the bathroom and get showered and ready for the day, if I don't lock the door he will come in grind up against me and try to grab onto my breast until I tell him to stop I'm trying to get ready--then he'll go away and just come back in 5 minutes and do the same thing. Once I'm ready I don't like to get back in bed because I'm all clean and stuff but if I go anywhere near it he will pick me up, throw me on the bed and start touching me and stuff. So I'm able to scramble out of bed and we leave for whatever. Throughout the whole day he will 100% every time slap by butt if I walk in front of him, regardless of where we are; he will also always always make innuendos and sex jokes etc. I don't really mind the jokes, I make them too but what bothers me is he does it so much it seems he doesn't want to even be out with me and would rather stay home and have sex. We go home and watch a movie and again, he'll try to grope my breast while we are cuddling, I eventually just give up the movie and we have sex and once done I'll try to sleep but he'll just want to do it again in 30 minutes. I don't mind sex, I still feel very uncomfortable and have to close my eyes and avoid certain things and to avoid having flashbacks but all he seems to want to do is have sex and sometimes I just need my space to calm my head. All the constant groping makes me feel like I'm a child again and that is what I'm there for--to be sex toy. I know he loves me but sometimes I wish he would just give me a hug and a small kiss (and not want to go to bed and make out which he is always asking for) and just leave it at that. I feel so overwhelmed by all the groping, I don't want to be mean, but he is like a leech. It is starting to take away the enjoyment of sex because I'm starting to get bothered by the constant attachment and it's making me not want to have sex with him. I'm trying to work on igniting holding hands or cuddling more, it is something that will take time but I'm trying but I don't even try anymore because I know he will just want to go further and start groping again. Am I'm being selfish? I don't want to be a bad wife for him, I'm way to lucky to have him, that's why I won't talk about this with him is because I don't want him to be mad. Should I just ignore my discomfort and bare with it and let him do whatever he wants? But I'll just end up standing there on the verge of tears letting him do what he wants and I'm afraid I'm going to end up resenting him and start seeing him like those who hurt me and I never want that to happen, but I also don't want to lose him. What is a normal amount of intimacy? I'm sorry for the long post but I just don't know what to do. I'm starting to feel really depressed and really need help because I have no experience in a "normal" relationship and what's "normal" I don't know what I should do.

Thank you so much for taking the time to ready this lengthy post.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I can't pretend to know what your past was like. However my mom had the same past. THough she never did get proper help. But thats another story.

First thing is, and maybe its just me, he really shouldn't be forcing your hand onto his... you know. Its one thing to be cute, but its another when its a constant "Give me sex!" sort of thing. If you don't want to then you don't want to. Same goes for the shower thing and so on. He seems to have an issue with not realizing your not meat, but a wife. On top of that maybe you two need counselling, on his end he needs it to realize what sex in general is like for someone with your past. My dad did not understand fully my moms past and sex was a big issue. He also needs help with learning what sex is. Its not a "I'll harass you sexually until you give in!". Thats not sex.

I'm there for--to be sex toy.

There it is. Its exactly what it seems like he thinks you are.

Like I said, counseling is needed. Especially for him. His mind seems a bit warped. Granted yes maybe he doesn't get sex alot or something, but its no reason to do what he is. Especially with what has happened to you. Hes only opening old wounds and going to cause damage to the marriage. I'll be very blunt.... hes crossing far into rape territory. Especially when you say your on the verge of letting him do what he wants while you cry. Hes not normal and you have every right to feel concerned. I'll try to post more tomorrow when I'm more awake. I'm sure you'll get some good responses before then too.

 

[kmrichard7]

Ive had a past like yours and i currently have a husband like yours. I love the way my husband is and that hes constantly thinking about me sexually (he knows when to not be improper though). But you are not wrong for feeling the way that you do.
I love it because i now have a healthy view of sex, my body, and my husband. I feel safe with him 100%. It wasnt always like this. It took therapy and lots of work breaking through my walls but im much better for it and so is my marriage.
I think you still have some things you need to work on internally to give yourself a healthy view on sex and even life. There is nothing wrong with you and it is understandable why you feel the way you feel but if you want a full life you have to work through (with the help of a professional) these set backs.
Im sorry fOr the lain you have gone theough, i know the wounds they leave behind.

 

[kmrichard7]

If he was actually forcing you to do these things knowing how they make you feel, he would be wrong. But you admit you wont talk to him about it. You are too afraid to say no.
Guys cant read minds, he doesnt know how this is effecting you and its not fair to him to come off as this sick sex craved monster when he just has a heightened sex drive since he wasnt getting it and now is.
That sex drive will eventually dwindle and a lot of people want it back haha!
You have to learn to be assertive, protect yourself, not shut down when you are triggered. I really think therapy would be great for you. It was great for me too.

 

[Dave-W]

My wife was also abused and still has flashbacks and has to dissassociate herself via fantasy to partake in anything sexual. I started out like your husband but eventually figured out that it was not doing any good. So I just "manned up" and let her initiate. She does not. Even after 38 years of marriage.

But that is ok. In every area, the walk of following Jesus is "Not my will but thine be done."
It is NEVER about what we want or need. The area of marital sex is no different.

 

[Dave-W]

His mind seems a bit warped. Granted yes maybe he doesn't get sex alot or something, but its no reason to do what he is.

IMO he is being selfish - which I define as someone getting their benefits at someone else's expense. (whether the person paying gets benefits or not)

He needs to decide to be ok with never having sex again ever. If he truly loves you he can make that choice. I made it, and I had a really high drive.

 

[LinkH]

Have you told him what you just told us? If not, do so. If you can't edit your post for him and ask him to read it.

He may pat, slap, squeeze, etc. because he's excited and he may legitimately not know how it makes you feel. If he realizes that it triggers thoughts and feelings from past abuse, and he is an understanding man, he may take a different approach. From what yous aid, you don't mind sleeping with him. If he's more 'romantic' with his touching and affection, more slow about it, rather than giving sexual touches when you aren't getting ready to have sex, maybe you would feel better about that. You could spend some time just hugging or holding hands when you aren't doing something sexual. He could let you know if he wants to give you a hug so you can prepare yourself mentally. If you hug and hold hands enough, you may get used to it and even start to crave it. And if he went slower with other types of touching listening to your feedback, maybe you could get used to that as well.

It is not unusual for a young, newly married man to have a high sex drive and to be excited about having a wife to make love to. He may just need to understand a bit about your past trauma. If you explain that some things he does can give you flashbacks and get him in the habit of getting feedback from you for hugs, hand-holding, and sexual touching and activities, then he may be able to become more sensitive to these things. It is very important that you tell him, though.

 

[mkgal1]

It would be wonderful if the two of you could see a counselor that specializes in treating adults who were abused sexually as children (and their spouses).

 

[Dave-W]

It would be wonderful if the two of you could see a counselor that specializes in treating adults who were abused sexually as children (and their spouses).

I see no need for that. The guy just needs to man up and deal with it.

He is a guy. He should be able to take anything with a smile.

 

[mkgal1]

I see no need for that. The guy just needs to man up and deal with it.

He is a guy. He should be able to take anything with a smile.

I don't believe in just "grin and bear it" philosophy. If something is "broken" (and I don't mean that Fae, herself, is broken---but there is something that remains to be healed)....it ought to be "repaired" (or, at least, attempts to be repaired).

Whether a person is male or female......I don't believe either should "deal with" (ignore/sweep under the rug) unhealthy dynamics or the results of unhealed wounds. It's an opportunity for healing---and BOTH of them taking part (I believe) can be an incredibly bonding experience.

IMO.....it would be a lot better if a professional could relay to him the effects of CSA and how he needs to be patient, aware, and communicative (and that would probably reassure Fae that she's having a completely reasonable response). I also think it would get the two of them past this---or through it---working out all the unhealthy baggage that's built up and on to a healthy and enjoyable future.

 

[Dave-W]

I don't believe in just "grin and bear it" philosophy. If something is "broken" (and I don't mean that Fae is broken, herself---but there is something that remains to be healed)....it ought to be "repaired" (or, at least, attempts to be repaired). Whether a person is male or female......I don't believe either should "deal with" (ignore/sweep under the rug) unhealthy dynamics or the results of unhealed wounds. It's an opportunity for healing---and BOTH of them taking part (I believe) can be an incredibly bonding experience.

I do not know if Fae is ok with not having sex; but if she IS, then to force her to go thru some kind of therapy just so he can get his jollies to me is the epitome of selfishness on his part: His satisfaction at her expense.

That is my male perspective on the issue.

 

[mkgal1]

to force her to go thru some kind of therapy just so he can get his jollies to me is the epitome of selfishness on his part: His satisfaction at her expense.

Who's "forcing"? You obviously don't have a high opinion of therapy....but it's not meant to be a punishment (it's meant for healing). "Get his jollies"? I don't see marital sex...when it's mutually consensual and well communicated, to be about either one benefiting at the expense of the other---that's why I'm suggesting counseling from someone that's knowledgeable in that field (in order to avoid that scenario).

Just because (it sounds like) you've chosen a certain path---don't impose that on others. Avoiding unhealed wounds is NOT the way to live. To miss out on healing is, what I believe, throwing away a gift that God has for us.

 

[Dave-W]

You obviously don't have a high opinion of therapy....but it's not meant to be a punishment (it's meant for healing).

I have looked at it. There is a lot of hard work there. Dealing with all kinds of painful issues and memories. It is a very unpleasant process.

I understand it is something like physical therapy (which I have been thru twice). It is not called PT (pain and torture) for nothing. If I was ok with losing the use of my left arm, I never would have endured it.

So if she is ok with going thru all of that, either for her own benefit or his, then fine. If not - I do not see the effort and pain are worth it.

 

[mkgal1]

I have looked at it. There is a lot of hard work there. Dealing with all kinds of painful issues and memories. It is a very unpleasant process.

I understand it is something like physical therapy (which I have been thru twice). It is not called PT (pain and torture) for nothing. If I was ok with losing the use of my left arm, I never would have endured it.

So if she is ok with going thru all of that, either for her own benefit or his, then fine. If not - I do not see the effort and pain are worth it.

So.....are you saying we ought to avoid things that are unpleasant and painful? Even if they relieve the pain (or missing a part of us) we'd be living with daily?

"Necessary suffering" that has a point (not just *any* suffering) can result in a much better way of living (and often times even gives us a healthier overall understanding). Your parallel of the use of your left arm, I think, is a good comparison. Therapy (when done right) can result in a "whole person" again.

 

[mkgal1]

I'm going to begin a new thread on "Necessary Suffering" so as to not derail this thread more.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

The constant groping seems rather childish to me...well...hormonal teenaged boy with his first girlfriend childish. I don't know how old you guys are, but he needs to GROW UP and get a clue regarding how a man should treat a woman, especially his wife. Is there any way you can perhaps meet with another married couple, where they can mentor you, or the husband could talk to your husband about how to properly treat his wife?

Yes, therapy is a GOOD idea. The idea of maybe having to relive certain things is not terribly comforting, but I see it as removing a cancer...yes, the removal hurts, but letting that cancer continue to grow and fester is worse.

 

[FutureAndAHope]

Hi everyone! My name is Fae and I'm new to this site! I was hoping to come to a nice forum for some help because my mind has been screaming for answers to these endless questions and thoughts that have been bottled up. I would talk to a counselor or something but honestly typing is easier for what I'm about to ask help for. I hope anyone can help me, I want my marriage to work and will take all advice!

To start, I need to do a quick background. I was sexually abused as a child so I never sought out any relationships and felt more comfortable being by myself and avoiding all forms of intimacy etc. I meant a guy who is very stubborn and stayed with me (dating) for 6 years despite me avoiding all types of intimacy. I honestly kept waiting for him to back out thinking "how could anyone love me" and just kind of went with the flow. It was a long distance relationship so it made not having to kiss, hold hands, etc. a lot easier. Moving on, we got married in April and on the day we were going to the courthouse I kept telling him, now's your chance to back out, but he never did so we ended up being married. I really did not want to get married but I said yes because of my past I developed the inability to say no. Don't get me wrong, I love him and he has done so much for me, but I didn't want to get married because I know he deserves so much better then myself. Okay so now the problem, it seems he wants sex all the time, I'll give you a days example. I'm trying to sleep and he'll roll over, hug on to me and push his erection against me and start asking: are you awake, this is unfortunate (about his erection), and sometimes he'll take my hand and put it on his erection--he does this pretty much every morning when I just want to sleep. Then I decide just to wake up because I start to feel really uncomfortable because it is still strange to me to be so close to anyone. I'll go to the bathroom and get showered and ready for the day, if I don't lock the door he will come in grind up against me and try to grab onto my breast until I tell him to stop I'm trying to get ready--then he'll go away and just come back in 5 minutes and do the same thing. Once I'm ready I don't like to get back in bed because I'm all clean and stuff but if I go anywhere near it he will pick me up, throw me on the bed and start touching me and stuff. So I'm able to scramble out of bed and we leave for whatever. Throughout the whole day he will 100% every time slap by butt if I walk in front of him, regardless of where we are; he will also always always make innuendos and sex jokes etc. I don't really mind the jokes, I make them too but what bothers me is he does it so much it seems he doesn't want to even be out with me and would rather stay home and have sex. We go home and watch a movie and again, he'll try to grope my breast while we are cuddling, I eventually just give up the movie and we have sex and once done I'll try to sleep but he'll just want to do it again in 30 minutes. I don't mind sex, I still feel very uncomfortable and have to close my eyes and avoid certain things and to avoid having flashbacks but all he seems to want to do is have sex and sometimes I just need my space to calm my head. All the constant groping makes me feel like I'm a child again and that is what I'm there for--to be sex toy. I know he loves me but sometimes I wish he would just give me a hug and a small kiss (and not want to go to bed and make out which he is always asking for) and just leave it at that. I feel so overwhelmed by all the groping, I don't want to be mean, but he is like a leech. It is starting to take away the enjoyment of sex because I'm starting to get bothered by the constant attachment and it's making me not want to have sex with him. I'm trying to work on igniting holding hands or cuddling more, it is something that will take time but I'm trying but I don't even try anymore because I know he will just want to go further and start groping again. Am I'm being selfish? I don't want to be a bad wife for him, I'm way to lucky to have him, that's why I won't talk about this with him is because I don't want him to be mad. Should I just ignore my discomfort and bare with it and let him do whatever he wants? But I'll just end up standing there on the verge of tears letting him do what he wants and I'm afraid I'm going to end up resenting him and start seeing him like those who hurt me and I never want that to happen, but I also don't want to lose him. What is a normal amount of intimacy? I'm sorry for the long post but I just don't know what to do. I'm starting to feel really depressed and really need help because I have no experience in a "normal" relationship and what's "normal" I don't know what I should do.

Thank you so much for taking the time to ready this lengthy post.

Hmmmm .....

Your marriage can certainly change over time. At the moment it is unbalanced, in the sense that your husband is asking you to do things you are not comfortable with. There are two ways you can deal with it, a) just put up with it, show extreme grace to him, or b) [what I would do] tell him constant sex makes you feel bad. Explain your feelings. It may come down to doing a bit of both, explain to him you want less sexual contact, deny him a little, but give him a little more than what you would like. Sort of meet in the middle.

 

[LinkH]

My wife was also abused and still has flashbacks and has to dissassociate herself via fantasy to partake in anything sexual. I started out like your husband but eventually figured out that it was not doing any good. So I just "manned up" and let her initiate. She does not. Even after 38 years of marriage.

But that is ok. In every area, the walk of following Jesus is "Not my will but thine be done."
It is NEVER about what we want or need. The area of marital sex is no different.

Is this approach really good for her. You are looking at it as you laying down what you need for her sake. But look at it from another perspective. Is it right for a wife to deny her husband sexually, in this case for months and years? Is that pleasing to the Lord? If there is something in your wife's life that is not pleasing to the Lord, then shouldn't you help her overcome it. Finding sexual satisfaction in your marriage can also help lessen temptation for both of you. It helps couples bond on an emotional level. What makes this more complicated is her traumatic past, which requires a lot of sensitivity on your part. But I think it is right for a husband to gently encourage his wife to get the help she needs to overcome her sexual issues if she isn't having sex with her husband.

Holding someone accountable can also be a loving thing to do, even if you happen to eventually 'get your jollies' as an outcome. It is not an evil selfish thing for a man to want to have sex with his wife. At least it shouldn't be. It's not like a husband is robbing something from his wife and taking it for himself, taking a piece of her, and gaining himself because of it. At least, it should not be. A healthy sex life is good for both husband and wife.

 

[Dave-W]

You are looking at it as you laying down what you need for her sake.

And I think I have pretty good biblical case for doing just that.

Is it right for a wife to deny her husband sexually, in this case for months and years? Is that pleasing to the Lord?

Maybe not; but that is between her and the Lord.

If there is something in your wife's life that is not pleasing to the Lord, then shouldn't you help her overcome it.

I will, but that request for help needs to come from her, not me.

Finding sexual satisfaction in your marriage can also help lessen temptation for both of you.

No temptation for her. At all.
I have learned to deal with my own temptations.

 

[LinkH]

DaveW-Oveh, Joshua said, "as for me and my house, I will serve the Lord." I used to think that if my wife did something I believed was wrong, that it was all on her. (I'm not talking about bank robbery, but those little things that need addressing). But now I realize that that the husband is supposed to address areas like that in his wife's life. To be fair, if my wife believes I'm not doing right, she'll tell me, too.

The Bible says this,
Eph. 5:26, "to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word," (NIV)

If you think your wife is sinning, you have an obligation to confront her.