Need some serious help.. Like spiritual 911

[NotworthyofHim]

Ok so, I noticed God has healed me of my anxiety, but I still have compulsions.. And I have reason to believe that my compulsions are taken into the forum of works.. I notice how I still count things, blinks, how many times I breathe, etc.. Things like this. So I know this is OCD. But I also think I have a works OCD.

Here is the issue.. I can't even worship God and have my heart connect to Him because He does feel so far away.. I may get an anointing, but my heart when I'm singing and worshiping just feels void.

I have been doing so much lately, and I notice how some things are just God's will and timing.. But then I notice how others just don't seem to line up... This is stressing me out.. I was driving home yesterday and felt compelled to stop and help every person pretty much I saw on the side of the road.. And then like 1 block from my apartment I did.. I could have ran up the street and got water to help even more.. But truthfully, I didn't really care that much.. I feel so weary..

I'm terrified of sinning against God, but also of giving into these compulsions.

Yesterday walking out to my car in the parking lot, I saw a person walking, and again my compulsions kicked in.. All of a sudden I'm feeling compulsed. I don't know what I could do other than offer a ride to this person.. That's it.. After a while I'm determined that this is not from God and drive off literally.. Instantly I start praying and all of sudden I feel distant from God, and this keeps coming up in my head.. As kind of like a, you have to do this first before you can connect with God. Then I'm driving home listening to Christian music, singing, but my heart feels as if it isn't there. And again this comes up again and again and again..

I did something like this the other day, and it took me like 2-3 hours to drive home like 7 miles maybe because I had to stop, walk in here and pray for this person, stop and ask this person if they wanted food, stop and buy this person food, literally it took forever and it's gotten to the point where there is no joy in what I'm doing..

Instead it's only an attitude of what's next? What do I do now? My heart feels so far from Jesus. Again some things I can tell they have to be from Jesus, because things just work out.

But my fear is, what if it is from Jesus and I'm hardening my heart, or willfully disobeying, then I can't be forgiven and will go to hell.

So it's a fear between giving into what I don't know is from God, or burning in hell.

I really don't want to give info compulsions but at the same time I don't want to necessarily not obey them because I am so unsure.

But even when I do follow through, I just have no joy. Not Yay, I've done something from God, but like a, ok what's next let's keep it moving.

A lot of these work compulsions, are things like, witnessing to people, and I'm absolutely terrible at that!!!!!!!! I can preach the word but can't witness to save my life.

Does anyone have any like, work compulsions? Like nothing you ever do is enough?

 

[brinny]

Bless yer heart, God wants you to be still before Him, just like Mary was when she sat at His feet. He doesn't want you to be "driven" and bereft of peace. He CAN and WILL help "still" you as you ask Him to and TRUST that He can and will do as He promises. Be still and KNOW that He is God, dear heart. Pray and ask Him to enable you to do so. May His peace be yours, and His wisdom as He intervenes, ministers, and heals as only He can. Praying for you (((hug)))

 

[babegirl111]

Hey love,
I wish you would change your screen name because that is so not true. God loves you and he sees the unrest in your mind ad heart. Your situation screams OCD and you are fueling it by performing these rituals. I know the exact feelings you are going through so I most definitely sympathize with you. I think what tends to confuse us is our thinking that a lot of these acts we are doing for God, but it is not. This is an illness that drives us to never be at peace. God does not want you to live a life where you are not at peace. He doesn't want you constantly on edge fearing you will burn in hell. I want you to take a step back, every time you feel a ritual coming on, and breathe. Say a small prayer and then go about your day. Try it. Allow the anxiety to wash over for a few seconds and let it leave. Sit down if you have to. Count to three. Get up and move on. I know this seems hard. But stay strong. God loves you and sees your love. Don't give up

 

[NotworthyofHim]

Bless yer heart, God wants you to be still before Him, just like Mary was when she sat at His feet. He doesn't want you to be "driven" and bereft of peace. He CAN and WILL help "still" you as you ask Him to and TRUST that He can and will do as He promises. Be still and KNOW that He is God, dear heart. Pray and ask Him to enable you to do so. May His peace be yours, and His wisdom as He intervenes, ministers, and heals as only He can. Praying for you (((hug)))

Thank you so much!! Yes it is a nightmare!! Tonight I went out with other men from the church and started witnessing and stuff. It started to be one thing after another! It was like, a church flyer to this person, that's how it started.. Then to another and another and another, then talking to 2 people, then someone else. Then it turned out to wanting me to do something else that could have been dangerous at night, and honestly seemed like it would be more productive and safer during the day.. And it turned into an obsession about that..

A huge fear is what if this is God? We're talking about one thing, and then immediately as soon as I get done with that, there is something else. So either God has decided to use me heavily or this is OCD. He did heal me of my anxiety I know, because I am much more bold now. I can literally tell a difference. But I can also identify compulsions when they start.

Like the counting of breathes, lip bites, a lot of counting, and from there follow of course the work compulsions.. So it's pretty bad. Thank you for your prayers.

 

[NotworthyofHim]

Hey love,
I wish you would change your screen name because that is so not true. God loves you and he sees the unrest in your mind ad heart. Your situation screams OCD and you are fueling it by performing these rituals. I know the exact feelings you are going through so I most definitely sympathize with you. I think what tends to confuse us is our thinking that a lot of these acts we are doing for God, but it is not. This is an illness that drives us to never be at peace. God does not want you to live a life where you are not at peace. He doesn't want you constantly on edge fearing you will burn in hell. I want you to take a step back, every time you feel a ritual coming on, and breathe. Say a small prayer and then go about your day. Try it. Allow the anxiety to wash over for a few seconds and let it leave. Sit down if you have to. Count to three. Get up and move on. I know this seems hard. But stay strong. God loves you and sees your love. Don't give up

Oh my gosh, you summed this up perfectly! It's like we're doing these things for God, but our minds are never at rest, it's always something. And when you get done with that, it is immediately something else! It's crazy!

And it can be some crazy things! Of course then if you don't do these things it goes in your head as disobedient.

And from there it goes to if I am disobedient I can only be forgiven so much and then God is going to either give up on me, sear my conscience, or give me over to sin or punish me some other way.. Either way the end result is the same, burning in hell.

So it's literally either burning in hell for all eternity or working till exhaustion it seems. Don't get me wrong, I love doing stuff for God! I love Him! I mean who couldn't!

But when it's like one thing after another for hours back to back it can be pretty frustrating..

I was so depressed lately, and even today I was just certain God was so angry with me, He was about ready to give up on me and destroy me. Like I had upset Him so much, there was no way He could love me..

 

[NotworthyofHim]

All kinds of thoughts were going through my head, my heart was hardened, it was cold, it's too late for me, there is an evil spirit attacking me that God is allowing as punishment, God is like, nostril fuming red hot angry with me, if i mess up once more I'm done, I have unrepentant sin, I'm going to lose my anointing, I'm being lazy by not giving into these thoughts and properly serving God, God is going to remove His presence from me, I'm going to lose my salvation, I'm going to hell, I'm fat and that doesn't make God happy, God isn't talking to me anymore, to list SOME things.. It is crazy, it really is.. Honestly, tonight the compulsion was driving me crazy.. But I asked God to honor a fleece, and after He didn't I told Him I really really don't want to disobey but, I'm going to throw this away as a compulsion and I feel better now.. Though now I'm a little scared to pray, because what if it was God, and if u don't get an anointing it might have been and if it was I disobeyed and I'm going to hell.. See what I mean? Thank you for your encouragement guys!! much love!

 

[Jaxxi]

God doesnt demand you do things audibly in your head. Have you been actually submerged in baptism? You might want to consider it. You sound to me like a really good person that might be a little neurotic right now. Relax in a jacuzzi or get a massage to relax you. Hang in there!

 

[NotworthyofHim]

Thank you Jaxxi. Yes I have before, but that was a long time ago and I recently gave God everything in my life, and have gone deeper than i have ever been before, so I'm going to have it done again.

 

[Jaxxi]

Thank you Jaxxi. Yes I have before, but that was a long time ago and I recently gave God everything in my life, and have gone deeper than i have ever been before, so I'm going to have it done again.

Good for you! Well Im proud of all the good works you have done for people. Who knows...someone might have been in the process of thinking through a suicide feeling like no one cares and here you come asking them if they need some water and making their day! The littlest things can make a huge difference- but it becomes an unhealthy problem if it is interfering with your responsibilities and priorities.

 

[NotworthyofHim]

Good for you! Well Im proud of all the good works you have done for people. Who knows...someone might have been in the process of thinking through a suicide feeling like no one cares and here you come asking them if they need some water and making their day! The littlest things can make a huge difference- but it becomes an unhealthy problem if it is interfering with your responsibilities and priorities.

Where did you get the idea I was asking if people needed water?

 

[Jaxxi]

Where did you get the idea I was asking if people needed water?

Weren't you?

 

[Jaxxi]

Where did you get the idea I was asking if people needed water?

"
". I could have ran up the street and got water to help even more.. But truthfully, I didn't really care that much.. I feel so weary.. "

 

[Gdemoss]

In my ministry experience I have found that a lot of OCD is driven by unconfessed sin in a believers life. I sit down with them and begin a moral inventory and help arrange amends and before you know it the OCD is a thing of the past and peace of mind ensues. Some of them had no idea just how much unconfessed sin they had. May God bless you and keep you.

 

[brinny]

Thank you so much!! Yes it is a nightmare!! Tonight I went out with other men from the church and started witnessing and stuff. It started to be one thing after another! It was like, a church flyer to this person, that's how it started.. Then to another and another and another, then talking to 2 people, then someone else. Then it turned out to wanting me to do something else that could have been dangerous at night, and honestly seemed like it would be more productive and safer during the day.. And it turned into an obsession about that..

A huge fear is what if this is God? We're talking about one thing, and then immediately as soon as I get done with that, there is something else. So either God has decided to use me heavily or this is OCD. He did heal me of my anxiety I know, because I am much more bold now. I can literally tell a difference. But I can also identify compulsions when they start.

Like the counting of breathes, lip bites, a lot of counting, and from there follow of course the work compulsions.. So it's pretty bad. Thank you for your prayers.

You are most welcome. Being "still" was very difficult, if not impossible for me, but God enabled me to be still, and to just "be" in His presence. He beckons us to come and just "sit" at His feet like Mary did. And to be still there. In this quietness and stillness He ministers to us and strengthens us.

"Be still, and know that I am God:" ~Psalm chapter 46, verse 10

"in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength:" ~Isaiah, chapter 30, verse 15

Praying, brother in christ and beloved son of the most High God.

 

[NotworthyofHim]

Weren't you?

Oh.. Well yeah I was, sorry..

 

[NotworthyofHim]

You are most welcome. Being "still" was very difficult, if not impossible for me, but God enabled me to be still, and to just "be" in His presence. He beckons us to come and just "sit" at His feet like Mary did. And to be still there. In this quietness and stillness He ministers to us and strengthens us.

"Be still, and know that I am God:" ~Psalm chapter 46, verse 10

"in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength:" ~Isaiah, chapter 30, verse 15

Praying, brother in christ and beloved son of the most High God.

Thank you Brinny yes that's another thing I never seem to hear the voices saying, is come spend some time with me or something..

It was at a point where it was like, God don't you ever want to spend time with me?

Thank you for all your encouragement guys! And gals!

 

[brinny]

It's difficult for most of us.....even Jesus went off away from the crowds and noise and demands to be alone with the Father......

Praying!

 

[NotworthyofHim]

It's difficult for most of us.....even Jesus went off away from the crowds and noise and demands to be alone with the Father......

Praying!

Thank you Brinny. So once these thoughts hit its like I feel if it's God.. So I feel like i have to or else go to hell..

I looked up the several things and one person said that the difference between compulsions and convictions is like the difference between love and lust. That can be so tricky to tell apart sometimes.

I felt good last night and this morning after i said no the what I believed to be a compulsion, regardless of what I felt..

All of a sudden I get one wrong thought and it's like, oh no, that's terrible, I'm a terrible person, I have a hard heart, there is no hope for me, God is surely going to give up on me..

It's a battle daily.. Again either He is using me mightily or its compulsions.. I am leaning towards compulsions because I notice i have them and it's one thing directly after another..

I've gone outside sometimes and it's like the first person I see I feel a compulsion to witness too..

I don't mind doing stuff, i like it.. But when it is one thing back to back over and over and over it gets really tiring..

All of a sudden the thoughts come and say things like it is God, and you're being disobedient do you're going to burn in hell because God is going to give you over to that.. He is going to give up on you and it's too late for you..

 

[brinny]

Thank you Brinny. So once these thoughts hit its like I feel if it's God.. So I feel like i have to or else go to hell..

I looked up the several things and one person said that the difference between compulsions and convictions is like the difference between love and lust. That can be so tricky to tell apart sometimes.

I felt good last night and this morning after i said no the what I believed to be a compulsion, regardless of what I felt..

All of a sudden I get one wrong thought and it's like, oh no, that's terrible, I'm a terrible person, I have a hard heart, there is no hope for me, God is surely going to give up on me..

It's a battle daily.. Again either He is using me mightily or its compulsions.. I am leaning towards compulsions because I notice i have them and it's one thing directly after another..

I've gone outside sometimes and it's like the first person I see I feel a compulsion to witness too..

I don't mind doing stuff, i like it.. But when it is one thing back to back over and over and over it gets really tiring..

All of a sudden the thoughts come and say things like it is God, and you're being disobedient do you're going to burn in hell because God is going to give you over to that.. He is going to give up on you and it's too late for you..

Bless yer heart, nothing that causes confusion, or has a "driven-ness", or "torment" to it is of God. These verses comes to mind:

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." ~2 Timothy 1:7

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. " ~1 John 4:18

May God grant you clarity and peace as He ministers to you. Father may it be so, in Jesus name, amen.

 

[NotworthyofHim]

Thank you so much Brinny! So something that has been on my mind that, now I realize I strongly believe was the Holy Spirit is that "satan also masquerades as an Angel of light." this is revolutionary to me!!

I was looking it up and satan can also mimic the voice of the Holy Spirit, so we have to discern properly.

I think I was listening to the wrong voice lately.. As one example goes I thought as a punishment God was telling me to constantly fast, and this went on for like 2 weeks or so.. But it wasn't a regular fast, as punishment I thought I wasn't able to drink anything either! So no water in like 114 degree heat outside. I seriously think I might have developed a health condition of low blood sugar for a while..

To top of my punishment, i was still to go walk and evangelize outside my apartment, but again without water or anything to eat or drink. I became so dehydrated and low blood sugar I was literally getting the shakes, in which I was told that as more punishment and discipline I get no peace but instead a feeling of fear.

Even last night I thought i heard a thought that was telling me to go to the park, at like 9:17 at night or whatever alone, and I figured to evangelize. Which I kept driving, I was seriously so overworked and stressed out and this hit me this morning.

satan that piece of garbage masquerades as an Angel of light, and I realized the voice telling me to go to the park was incomplete, that's all it said. It didn't say why at all, I realized I had assumed to evangelize..

God has spoken to me before, and was very specific. A specific bible verse to give to a very specific person.. Very specific.

But when I feel like i am being punished by doing awkward things like going outside randomly in my apartment complex to evangelize, which I'm very introverted so I don't like very much.

On top of things there has been accusing voices, condemning voices, and self hate voices. I literally was so depressed I honestly wished I was dead. And of course if I didn't follow through with the punishment I was going to hell. This morning I just God I need some rest.. No going outside my apartment like 5 times in an hour and maybe finding someone maybe not. I need rest please let me just rest and restore to me joy.

There was no joy in what I was doing at all. It was terrible.. Feeling much better this morning, thank you for your prayers