My Marriage is in trouble

[contango]

The OP, Godsentmyhusband, has already said that she needs to improve and is going to counseling to get better.

Why has the last several posts keep telling her about her nagging? Folks the main problem is not her nagging the main problem is that her husband is coping out. He has “picked up drinking, his wife begs him for sex and he makes excuses, he get jealous of his wife if someone compliments her, he thinks that he has a problem and will not go to the doctor, refuses to go to counselling, and gets mad at his wife when she is open and honest. Why keep telling her that she is the problem when she is doing something to correct her problem?

I am a man and I have been nagged but that does not make me start drinking, make excuse why I will not meet my wife’s needs, get jealous, get mad at my wife if she brings out in the open some issues that need to be faced, and refuse to get help when it is obvious there is a serious problem. By focusing on her nagging are you straining on a gnat and swallowing a camel?

This woman needs to be supported not keep telling her how she is failing when she is taking action to get better.

Probably because nagging behaviour just makes a bad situation worse.

If her husband is becoming a deadbeat it's not her fault at all, but if she resorts to nagging then she's becoming part of the problem rather than part of the solution.

Nobody is saying that being nagged made him start drinking, the point is that endless nagging won't get him to stop either. If he's turned to drink as an escape from something then nagging just gives him something else he wants to escape from.

It's also worth trying to figure out what is really a problem and what might not align with someone's preferences. If the guy is becoming a habitual drunkard that's a problem. If he's having an occasional beer then it needn't be a problem. If he's not even a Christian then nobody should be surprised if he's having an occasional beer - the only problem is if he's drinking and driving.

 

[sdmsanjose]

If he's not even a Christian then nobody should be surprised if he's having an occasional beer - the only problem is if he's drinking and driving.

If a person is drinking so much that driving is a problem then the driving is NOT the only problem. I do not know if you have much experience with peole that drink to much ot not. I can tell you that for those that are drinking too much thee isa LOT more problems bec sides driving. The drinking can and does cause all kinds of family relationshoip probems.

I noticed that you avoided mentioning or giving any detail about the other problems that the OP has mentioned which are:

“…his wife begs him for sex and he makes excuses, he gets jealous of his wife if someone compliments her, he thinks that he has a problem and will not go to the doctor, refuses to go to counselling, and gets mad at his wife when she is open and honest”

Here is another difference between the OP and her husband. She is DOING SOMETHING TO GET BETTER and he is making excuses and refusing to go to counselling to get better.

I also noticed that the OP has not returned to this thread for several days and I cannot say I blame her. She comes to this forum looking for advice and support and the last several posts talks only about her nagging. She has already admitted that and is in counselling to get better. Conversely, her husband has lots of problems but lately none of the posts mention the main problem which is the husband and his cop out position. She is trying to get better and he is not and you do not have to have the Wisdom of Solomon to see that

 

[contango]

I noticed that you avoided mentioning or giving any detail about the other problems that the OP has mentioned which are:


Here is another difference between the OP and her husband. She is DOING SOMETHING TO GET BETTER and he is making excuses and refusing to go to counselling to get better.

Posts 7 and 18 look at the overall packages of issues.

If the OP's husband is doing nothing to get better it suggests either he doesn't care, or doesn't see any hope for improvement. Frankly if he feels (rightly or wrongly) that he is being endlessly nagged it could be the latter. Many years ago I used to routinely stay at work for an hour or two more than I was paid to do, simply to avoid the endless nagging my wife had taken to doing at the time. If I had chance to go out with the team for a few beers after work I'd take it, if not I'd take a chance to chat with someone for a while - anything to delay the onset of the nagging.

If the problem is the nagging it's hard to see how being nagged to go to counselling is going to help anything. If the OP's husband is anything like me he'll respond to increased nagging by digging in his heels and not budging there either.

I also noticed that the OP has not returned to this thread for several days and I cannot say I blame her. She comes to this forum looking for advice and support and the last several posts talks only about her nagging. She has already admitted that and is in counselling to get better. Conversely, her husband has lots of problems but lately none of the posts mention the main problem which is the husband and his cop out position. She is trying to get better and he is not and you do not have to have the Wisdom of Solomon to see that

Of course you don't need great wisdom to see that, but it takes more than "he's a deadbeat" to solve the problem.

The OP hasn't mentioned whether her husband is even a Christian it's pointless to refer, as some have done, to his Christian duties. If he isn't a Christian why would he care about giving to the church or what the Bible has to say about anything at all?

If the OP can understand where her husband is coming from and what might be stressing him she can address it far more usefully than constantly being on his case about how he needs to give more to the church. If he's not a Christian and worrying about whether he can keep food on the table the last thing he needs is to be constantly told that he has to give a full 10% of his income to support a faith he doesn't follow.

If he's started drinking (the OP hasn't clarified whether she's talking about a beer now and then or heavy drinking) and apparently lost interest in everything including sex, the chances are there's something pretty major eating at him. Whether that's major financial worries, a major health concern or something else, it makes more sense to figure out what the problem is than to just write him off as "not doing his bit".

Who knows, if he's afraid he's got (or knows for a fact he's got) a medical condition that's likely to massively shorten his life it's possible he's avoiding sex because he doesn't want to bring a child into the world that's going to lose its father within a couple of years.

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

The OP, Godsentmyhusband, has already said that she needs to improve and is going to counseling to get better.

Why has the last several posts keep telling her about her nagging? Folks the main problem is not her nagging the main problem is that her husband is coping out. He has “picked up drinking, his wife begs him for sex and he makes excuses, he get jealous of his wife if someone compliments her, he thinks that he has a problem and will not go to the doctor, refuses to go to counselling, and gets mad at his wife when she is open and honest. Why keep telling her that she is the problem when she is doing something to correct her problem?

I am a man and I have been nagged but that does not make me start drinking, make excuse why I will not meet my wife’s needs, get jealous, get mad at my wife if she brings out in the open some issues that need to be faced, and refuse to get help when it is obvious there is a serious problem. By focusing on her nagging are you straining on a gnat and swallowing a camel?

This woman needs to be supported not keep telling her how she is failing when she is taking action to get better.

Thank you. I didnt feel as if anyone was jumping on my case. I sincerely need some help. This is both our 2nd marriages and I do understand the rate for divorce is higher the more marriages introduced. I want to stay married and need guidance. I do have some recent good news. I signed my husband and I up for couples workshop that our church is having over the next couple weeks. I came home and told him I had signed us up. He, to my surprise said ok. The workshop begins Aug 2nd. Please keep us in prayer.

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

Thank you for that. I am looking for positive responses to save my marriage. Anything will help. I just dont know how much more of him I can take. He seems uncaring to what I need and I am starting to resent him. Further, I have to be honest...the temptations are there. I pray everyday for God to make me strong and resist them. I want to feel loved and right now, heck for a long time he has given me mediocre. Tired of that and I tired of being the one to try. Some good news despite though, I signed us up for a couples workshop through our church. I came home and told him that I signed us up and he said ok. So I need prayers with that, that we follow thru and stay with the workshop. I really want to divorce him....Cant see myself going thru this till death. Life is so much more and I am deserving to someone who understands my value.




The OP, Godsentmyhusband, has already said that she needs to improve and is going to counseling to get better.

Why has the last several posts keep telling her about her nagging? Folks the main problem is not her nagging the main problem is that her husband is coping out. He has “picked up drinking, his wife begs him for sex and he makes excuses, he get jealous of his wife if someone compliments her, he thinks that he has a problem and will not go to the doctor, refuses to go to counselling, and gets mad at his wife when she is open and honest. Why keep telling her that she is the problem when she is doing something to correct her problem?

I am a man and I have been nagged but that does not make me start drinking, make excuse why I will not meet my wife’s needs, get jealous, get mad at my wife if she brings out in the open some issues that need to be faced, and refuse to get help when it is obvious there is a serious problem. By focusing on her nagging are you straining on a gnat and swallowing a camel?

This woman needs to be supported not keep telling her how she is failing when she is taking action to get better.[/QUOTE]

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

1. My husband is a Christian
2. He heavly drinks whenever and then drives home drunk.
3. His "man thing" does not work and he knows it and will not go to the doctor.
4. The issue is not the tithing. I wish he would tithe, but ultimately that is his decision to do so or not. I mentioned it because I know as a Christian we are to tithe. In addition to not going to church, ministry, etc he is not tithing.
5. I thinks he does not care.
6. I had tubal ligation done...no issues with pregnancy. And this is another

Posts 7 and 18 look at the overall packages of issues.

If the OP's husband is doing nothing to get better it suggests either he doesn't care, or doesn't see any hope for improvement. Frankly if he feels (rightly or wrongly) that he is being endlessly nagged it could be the latter. Many years ago I used to routinely stay at work for an hour or two more than I was paid to do, simply to avoid the endless nagging my wife had taken to doing at the time. If I had chance to go out with the team for a few beers after work I'd take it, if not I'd take a chance to chat with someone for a while - anything to delay the onset of the nagging.

If the problem is the nagging it's hard to see how being nagged to go to counselling is going to help anything. If the OP's husband is anything like me he'll respond to increased nagging by digging in his heels and not budging there either.



Of course you don't need great wisdom to see that, but it takes more than "he's a deadbeat" to solve the problem.

The OP hasn't mentioned whether her husband is even a Christian it's pointless to refer, as some have done, to his Christian duties. If he isn't a Christian why would he care about giving to the church or what the Bible has to say about anything at all?

If the OP can understand where her husband is coming from and what might be stressing him she can address it far more usefully than constantly being on his case about how he needs to give more to the church. If he's not a Christian and worrying about whether he can keep food on the table the last thing he needs is to be constantly told that he has to give a full 10% of his income to support a faith he doesn't follow.

If he's started drinking (the OP hasn't clarified whether she's talking about a beer now and then or heavy drinking) and apparently lost interest in everything including sex, the chances are there's something pretty major eating at him. Whether that's major financial worries, a major health concern or something else, it makes more sense to figure out what the problem is than to just write him off as "not doing his bit".

Who knows, if he's afraid he's got (or knows for a fact he's got) a medical condition that's likely to massively shorten his life it's possible he's avoiding sex because he doesn't want to bring a child into the world that's going to lose its father within a couple of years.[/QUOTE]

 

[contango]

1. My husband is a Christian
2. He heavly drinks whenever and then drives home drunk.
3. His "man thing" does not work and he knows it and will not go to the doctor.
4. The issue is not the tithing. I wish he would tithe, but ultimately that is his decision to do so or not. I mentioned it because I know as a Christian we are to tithe. In addition to not going to church, ministry, etc he is not tithing.
5. I thinks he does not care.
6. I had tubal ligation done...no issues with pregnancy. And this is another

Drinking heavily isn't a good thing, driving home drunk is out of order regardless of whether he is a Christian or not.

If his "man thing" doesn't work it could be a result of heavy drinking (there's a reason it's called "brewers droop"), or perhaps its lack of function is one thing driving him to drink. Is there a reason he won't go to the doctor? Sometimes men are afraid that going to the doctor will result in a diagnosis of something serious and figure they'd rather not know. In many ways it's a silly way of looking at things but you'd be surprised how often the male mind wants to sort out his own problems rather than admit there's a problem he can't do anything about at all. It's also not always easy for us to admit to our wives that we're scared of something.

From a man's perspective there's so much social pressure to perform on demand, to "get it" regularly, to satisfy your partner, that if he is unable to do those things the chances are he's going to feel like less of a man. So to go and see the doctor with it (especially if the doctor is female) is likely to represent some huge public confession of failure on his part. "Hey doc, I can't get it on, I'm not much of a man, I can't satisfy my woman, can you fix me?" isn't something most men really want to be saying. It doesn't make it any less frustrating for you to be married to such a man, but it comes back to trying to understand where he is and taking pressure off him. Pressure in and of itself can lead to performance anxiety and if he already has issues down there the last thing he needs is pressure to perform. Without wishing to get too explicit here, how would he respond to general physical contact and maybe using other means to give you what you need?

I'm not sure just what you're referring to by "tithe". If you mean giving to support the church then I agree with you, if you mean specifically giving 10% of everything we make then I'd point back to 2Co 9:7 where Paul writes how each should give as he purposes in his heart. Regarding the concept of the tithe as being exactly 10% of our income hurts the poor, lets the rich off easily, and can create all sorts of senses of entitlement among pastors of larger churches.

Ultimately if he doesn't care about his future or your future together there's not a lot you can do to make him care. Just be sure that the issue really is that he doesn't care, rather than he is mentally trying to hide from something.

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

Drinking heavily isn't a good thing, driving home drunk is out of order regardless of whether he is a Christian or not.

If his "man thing" doesn't work it could be a result of heavy drinking (there's a reason it's called "brewers droop"), or perhaps its lack of function is one thing driving him to drink. Is there a reason he won't go to the doctor? Sometimes men are afraid that going to the doctor will result in a diagnosis of something serious and figure they'd rather not know. In many ways it's a silly way of looking at things but you'd be surprised how often the male mind wants to sort out his own problems rather than admit there's a problem he can't do anything about at all. It's also not always easy for us to admit to our wives that we're scared of something.

From a man's perspective there's so much social pressure to perform on demand, to "get it" regularly, to satisfy your partner, that if he is unable to do those things the chances are he's going to feel like less of a man. So to go and see the doctor with it (especially if the doctor is female) is likely to represent some huge public confession of failure on his part. "Hey doc, I can't get it on, I'm not much of a man, I can't satisfy my woman, can you fix me?" isn't something most men really want to be saying. It doesn't make it any less frustrating for you to be married to such a man, but it comes back to trying to understand where he is and taking pressure off him. Pressure in and of itself can lead to performance anxiety and if he already has issues down there the last thing he needs is pressure to perform. Without wishing to get too explicit here, how would he respond to general physical contact and maybe using other means to give you what you need?

I'm not sure just what you're referring to by "tithe". If you mean giving to support the church then I agree with you, if you mean specifically giving 10% of everything we make then I'd point back to 2Co 9:7 where Paul writes how each should give as he purposes in his heart. Regarding the concept of the tithe as being exactly 10% of our income hurts the poor, lets the rich off easily, and can create all sorts of senses of entitlement among pastors of larger churches.

Ultimately if he doesn't care about his future or your future together there's not a lot you can do to make him care. Just be sure that the issue really is that he doesn't care, rather than he is mentally trying to hide from something.

No he is not going to satisfy me any other way unless he wants to do it, which is not often. He is very selfish. Recently someone text me that I was sexy and he saw it. Lets just say he was mad at first and then for 2 weeks we were having unbelievable sex. That has since ceased. This has happened before. Someone winked at me in a store. He got upset. We had unbelievable sex after about an hour of us getting home and then for 2 weeks and then nothing again. I am an attractive female and it seems as soon as he knows someone is showing attention to me then he wants to do what he is supposed to be doing. It is getting old.

 

[sdmsanjose]

By Godsentmyhusband
1 My husband is a Christian
2. He heavly drinks whenever and then drives home drunk.
3. His "man thing" does not work and he knows it and will not go to the doctor.
4. The issue is not the tithing. I wish he would tithe, but ultimately that is his decision to do so or not. I mentioned it because I know as a Christian we are to tithe. In addition to not going to church, ministry, etc he is not tithing.
5. I thinks he does not care.
6. I had tubal ligation done...no issues with pregnancy.

1. He is very selfish.

According to your posts your husband has some serious issues in the marriage. He needs someone to confront him and either use diplomacy or get in his face. The counselor/friend, church man/ family, etc will have to decide which approach works best with your husband. I think you are the LAST PERSON to approach your husband about his issues. You have been nagging him and it has got you nowhere, maybe even worse. I think your husband is coping out and will not face what has to be faced. He knows there is a problem yet he refuse to get any help. That is plain old COP-OUT!

Your words below say a lot:

By GSMH
I'm in counseling, because I want to be a better wife, a better person.
My husband definitely will not do counseling.

GSMH, I asked you a question several days ago but I did not see your answer. Here it is reprinted below in case you want to answer.

Generally speaking and usually you are the last person to confront him with his issues. Is there a man that can reach him and help him confront his issues with discernment and diplomacy?

By GSMH

I signed my husband and I up for couples workshop that our church is having over the next couple weeks. I came home and told him I had signed us up. He, to my surprise said ok. The workshop begins Aug 2nd. Please keep us in prayer.

I think that workshop maybe hope for you both! I hope that the workshop can get to him. As for you, I would not be surprised if you are told to stay completely out of trying to confront him about his problems. You both maybe on the verge of resenting each other and no matter what each of you say to the other about fixing themselves it will backfire.

The workshop can definitely be a light at the end of the tunnel! Keep praying!

 

[Tinkerbells]

Wow, wow, wow. I cannot believe that people have put the blame on you. Sadly, it doesn’t surprise me when it comes to some people.

Listen, don’t you dare start beating yourself up, then catering to your husbands every need and letting him act the way he does. I can almost certainly promise you that nothing will change if you stop telling him what is hurting you. Instead, you will feel alone in the marriage and as if none of your feelings matter.

First of all: YES, you can pray that your husband change. If you are praying that he changes in Godly ways, there is nothing wrong with that, and I do believe you will see improvements. I did with my husband.

Secondly: Your husband should not be refraining intimacy with you. This is a big problem that needs to get addressed immediately. Unless he has clear medical issues, there is something else going on and please don’t blame it on yourself. I did this with my husband until I prayed and talked to him and now our intimacy is back.

You pretty much described my husband and I’s marriage a little while ago. I tried backing off and nothing changed. He was happy, but still treated me the same way. I cried silently and was in pain until I could not take it anymore. I finally told him after a huge argument that I had had enough. I was tired of feeling invalidated. He either needed to go to counseling with me or I was going to file for separation and live somewhere else to clear my mind (I wouldn’t dare file for divorce other than in the matter of infidelity). That I deserved to have a husband who initiated sex and that I had a right to have my feelings heard. I deserved a compassionate husband who didn’t turn everything around on me when I pointed out something he did that legitimately upset me.

I began praying for him and myself. For God to change his heart in ways that were necessary for our marriage to become stronger (and the same for mine). After threatening the separation, and after he saw me hurt and angrier than I had ever been, he gave in and wen to counseling with me.

We went to counseling ONE TIME and it changed our marriage entirely. To my surprise, the male Christian counselor did not validate my husband. The counselor knew exactly what I was feeling and described it to my husband in a way he understood.

Since that day our marriage has been “perfect” (straight my husbands mouth, not mine). My husband said that there were things spoken to him in that meeting that really got him understanding that he had a huge role in the issues in our marriage. He is now so kind, sincere, loving, and understanding. I don’t even really get mad at him anymore because there’s nothing to be mad at him about. When your husband respects you the way he should (and vice versa) you begin letting all the little stuff slide.

While I always suggest working on yourself, marriage is a two way street, and your husband needs to sincerely work on himself. He cannot sit there and think everything is your fault. That is a HUGE problem. It’s also a huge problem if you take the burden on YOURSELF. Don’t do it!

My husband now boasts about how awesome our marriage is. He tells me he wants us to mentor Christian couples when we get older. My husband is a different man because I prayed and God revealed to him things that I had been saying all along. It may have taken that male Christian counselor to speak to him in a way he understood, but had I not put my foot down, I doubt we would be where we are today.

 

[Tinkerbells]

No he is not going to satisfy me any other way unless he wants to do it, which is not often. He is very selfish. Recently someone text me that I was sexy and he saw it. Lets just say he was mad at first and then for 2 weeks we were having unbelievable sex. That has since ceased. This has happened before. Someone winked at me in a store. He got upset. We had unbelievable sex after about an hour of us getting home and then for 2 weeks and then nothing again. I am an attractive female and it seems as soon as he knows someone is showing attention to me then he wants to do what he is supposed to be doing. It is getting old.

Wait…who texted you that you were sexy? Was it another male??

 

[Mayzoo]

No he is not going to satisfy me any other way unless he wants to do it, which is not often. He is very selfish. Recently someone text me that I was sexy and he saw it. Lets just say he was mad at first and then for 2 weeks we were having unbelievable sex. That has since ceased. This has happened before. Someone winked at me in a store. He got upset. We had unbelievable sex after about an hour of us getting home and then for 2 weeks and then nothing again. I am an attractive female and it seems as soon as he knows someone is showing attention to me then he wants to do what he is supposed to be doing. It is getting old.

IMO, you need to block any man who is texting/phoning you ANYTHING that is tempting or inappropriate. Compliments on your looks, sexual jokes, or even offers to help you with your marriage or just listen should absolutely not be coming from any man not immediately related to you.


Allowing this to go on will only lead to further damage in your marriage and could lead to an emotional or physical affair. Put an immediate and decisive stop to it right away. A warning is not even needed if the man knows you are married. Just block them. This is not a route that will lead to a positive solution to your marriage issues.

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

Wait…who texted you that you were sexy? Was it another male??

Yes, it was one of my male friends

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

IMO, you need to block any man who is texting/phoning you ANYTHING that is tempting or inappropriate. Compliments on your looks, sexual jokes, or even offers to help you with your marriage or just listen should absolutely not be coming from any man not immediately related to you.


Allowing this to go on will only lead to further damage in your marriage and could lead to an emotional or physical affair. Put an immediate and decisive stop to it right away. A warning is not even needed if the man knows you are married. Just block them. This is not a route that will lead to a positive solution to your marriage issues.

I have since stopped him from talking to me this way and i have limited the communication

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

Wow, wow, wow. I cannot believe that people have put the blame on you. Sadly, it doesn’t surprise me when it comes to some people.

Listen, don’t you dare start beating yourself up, then catering to your husbands every need and letting him act the way he does. I can almost certainly promise you that nothing will change if you stop telling him what is hurting you. Instead, you will feel alone in the marriage and as if none of your feelings matter.

First of all: YES, you can pray that your husband change. If you are praying that he changes in Godly ways, there is nothing wrong with that, and I do believe you will see improvements. I did with my husband.

Secondly: Your husband should not be refraining intimacy with you. This is a big problem that needs to get addressed immediately. Unless he has clear medical issues, there is something else going on and please don’t blame it on yourself. I did this with my husband until I prayed and talked to him and now our intimacy is back.

You pretty much described my husband and I’s marriage a little while ago. I tried backing off and nothing changed. He was happy, but still treated me the same way. I cried silently and was in pain until I could not take it anymore. I finally told him after a huge argument that I had had enough. I was tired of feeling invalidated. He either needed to go to counseling with me or I was going to file for separation and live somewhere else to clear my mind (I wouldn’t dare file for divorce other than in the matter of infidelity). That I deserved to have a husband who initiated sex and that I had a right to have my feelings heard. I deserved a compassionate husband who didn’t turn everything around on me when I pointed out something he did that legitimately upset me.

I began praying for him and myself. For God to change his heart in ways that were necessary for our marriage to become stronger (and the same for mine). After threatening the separation, and after he saw me hurt and angrier than I had ever been, he gave in and wen to counseling with me.

We went to counseling ONE TIME and it changed our marriage entirely. To my surprise, the male Christian counselor did not validate my husband. The counselor knew exactly what I was feeling and described it to my husband in a way he understood.

Since that day our marriage has been “perfect” (straight my husbands mouth, not mine). My husband said that there were things spoken to him in that meeting that really got him understanding that he had a huge role in the issues in our marriage. He is now so kind, sincere, loving, and understanding. I don’t even really get mad at him anymore because there’s nothing to be mad at him about. When your husband respects you the way he should (and vice versa) you begin letting all the little stuff slide.

While I always suggest working on yourself, marriage is a two way street, and your husband needs to sincerely work on himself. He cannot sit there and think everything is your fault. That is a HUGE problem. It’s also a huge problem if you take the burden on YOURSELF. Don’t do it!

My husband now boasts about how awesome our marriage is. He tells me he wants us to mentor Christian couples when we get older. My husband is a different man because I prayed and God revealed to him things that I had been saying all along. It may have taken that male Christian counselor to speak to him in a way he understood, but had I not put my foot down, I doubt we would be where we are today.

Thank u so much for your post. It was so encouraging. One of the most helpful and positive posts. I have some things going on with me where I disrespect him and I did let him know that it is from frustration of the lack of sex. We talked. and we start couples workshop next Sunday. God does hear my prayers and I will continue to pray for him, for me, for our marriage. As I was reading your post I saw my husband too. The nagging I will stop and I will continue counseling for self. But I cant be the only one changing. He has to change too. Thank u again

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

According to your posts your husband has some serious issues in the marriage. He needs someone to confront him and either use diplomacy or get in his face. The counselor/friend, church man/ family, etc will have to decide which approach works best with your husband. I think you are the LAST PERSON to approach your husband about his issues. You have been nagging him and it has got you nowhere, maybe even worse. I think your husband is coping out and will not face what has to be faced. He knows there is a problem yet he refuse to get any help. That is plain old COP-OUT!

Your words below say a lot:





GSMH, I asked you a question several days ago but I did not see your answer. Here it is reprinted below in case you want to answer.







I think that workshop maybe hope for you both! I hope that the workshop can get to him. As for you, I would not be surprised if you are told to stay completely out of trying to confront him about his problems. You both maybe on the verge of resenting each other and no matter what each of you say to the other about fixing themselves it will backfire.

The workshop can definitely be a light at the end of the tunnel! Keep praying!

Thank u so much for your post. There are 2 men that he does respect and listens to. It is our Pastor and one of the associate ministers of our church. He has had several conversations with them, personal and spiritual...my husband, a couple of months believed he was being called to preach. He spoke with our Pastor about it and our Pastor ordered him steps to ensure. He didnt start. I have heard it from several people at different times that they feel he was being called also. Whatever God has for him, he has to be willing to accept. Right now he is running. If he gets back to the church, he will be fine.

 

[Tinkerbells]

Yes, it was one of my male friends

Honestly, this conerns me. You should not have any communication with men like this. It's entirely inappropriate and would make any husband upset and possibly pull away from you. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you perhaps don't realize this is damaging to you relationship, but it is. I really do wish you two the best and hope you two get into Christian counseling soon. I think stoping the communication with other men and focusing on your husband (which is what i do) is the best way to go. May God bless your marriage!!

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

Honestly, this conerns me. You should not have any communication with men like this. It's entirely inappropriate and would make any husband upset and possibly pull away from you. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you perhaps don't realize this is damaging to you relationship, but it is. I really do wish you two the best and hope you two get into Christian counseling soon. I think stoping the communication with other men and focusing on your husband (which is what i do) is the best way to go. May God bless your marriage!![/QUO

To be honest, I have been friends with this young man since before my husband. My husband needs to step up and do what he is supposed to do and then he won't have to worry if someone finds me attractive. Im still working on me but this with him is getting old and frustrating. The withholding sex is enough in itself. I have NEVER done that to him. Oh yes, when we are in disagreements he withholds sex to teach me...He is going to do that one too many times. You do not do this and it is in the Bible.

 

[Tinkerbells]

You stated:
To be honest, I have been friends with this young man since before my husband. My husband needs to step up and do what he is supposed to do and then he won't have to worry if someone finds me attractive. Im still working on me but this with him is getting old and frustrating. The withholding sex is enough in itself. I have NEVER done that to him. Oh yes, when we are in disagreements he withholds sex to teach me...He is going to do that one too many times. You do not do this and it is in the Bible.

My Response:
Anyone before or after your husband takes a back seat to him and your marriage. There is no one on this earth more important than your husband once you get married, other than God. I am saddened of your comment about this man and I hope that you can see that you are kind of pointing the fingers at your husband instead of seeing your part in the problem.

As I mentioned previously about my husband, there were things he needed to work on (as I am sure your husband does too). That doesn't mean, however, that when I did something wrong such as yell at him, or say something hurtful that I was justified. Nothing you do that hurts a person is justified. Having that type of mentality is dangerous to a marriage. Saying that your husband "Needs to step up and do what he is to do and then he wont have to worry if someone finds me attractive," and that you knew this young man before your husband, tells me that you have no remorse or feel like you're having any part of what may be occurring in your marriage.

Perhaps my previous post did not emphasize enough on how I too needed to work on myself, and how I prayed about things I needed to change. I should have stated more clearly that BOTH parties are usually responsible for issues in the marriage. Not just the husband and woman. So please, humble yourself, and start also asking God to see your part in the equation.

I truly think you two need to get some counseling. You both seem to be a bit destructive in the marriage, but in different ways.

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

You stated:
To be honest, I have been friends with this young man since before my husband. My husband needs to step up and do what he is supposed to do and then he won't have to worry if someone finds me attractive. Im still working on me but this with him is getting old and frustrating. The withholding sex is enough in itself. I have NEVER done that to him. Oh yes, when we are in disagreements he withholds sex to teach me...He is going to do that one too many times. You do not do this and it is in the Bible.

My Response:
Anyone before or after your husband takes a back seat to him and your marriage. There is no one on this earth more important than your husband once you get married, other than God. I am saddened of your comment about this man and I hope that you can see that you are kind of pointing the fingers at your husband instead of seeing your part in the problem.

As I mentioned previously about my husband, there were things he needed to work on (as I am sure your husband does too). That doesn't mean, however, that when I did something wrong such as yell at him, or say something hurtful that I was justified. Nothing you do that hurts a person is justified. Having that type of mentality is dangerous to a marriage. Saying that your husband "Needs to step up and do what he is to do and then he wont have to worry if someone finds me attractive," and that you knew this young man before your husband, tells me that you have no remorse or feel like you're having any part of what may be occurring in your marriage.

Perhaps my previous post did not emphasize enough on how I too needed to work on myself, and how I prayed about things I needed to change. I should have stated more clearly that BOTH parties are usually responsible for issues in the marriage. Not just the husband and woman. So please, humble yourself, and start also asking God to see your part in the equation.

I truly think you two need to get some counseling. You both seem to be a bit destructive in the marriage, but in different ways.

I am in counseling for myself. Our couples workshop thru our church will begin on Sunday and run each Sunday for 10 weeks. My feiends are not going anywhere. He has not pushed his friends to the side and I am sure they have commented on his looks. This is all this man said to me as my friend of over 8 yrs. Again, he makes tge situation that much worse by withholding. I am not a perfect person, nor do I display to be but I desire attention, compliments in particular from my husband. He refused to do anything and everything is mu fault. He does nothing wrong. Right nlw we have gone days with no touching, kissimg, Nothing! bcuz he gets mad about whatever and this is what he does. I attempted to talk to him and give him a hug. He wouldnt even put his phone down so I said forget it. I dont have to beg for something I feel should come naturally. Needless. to say, another night of the same.