My Marriage is in trouble

[GodSentMyHusband]

My husband and I just cant seem to get along. I feel like I always have to be the one to change. He says our marriage is this way because I always complain and I say I complain because there is not enough sex and intimacy. We both are unhappy. But we both want to be married to each other. We both have said things and done things in order to feel better, some not so good. I want to change. I dont want to lose him but some conflict comes because he is not a man of God. He has fallen off from attending church, stopped tithing, has picked up drinking, and I just dont feel he is leading us. Part I feel he is this way because of the nagging. I want to change but I always have this feeling of, look what he is doing. Someone help us please. We have brought up divorce more than once. This is both our 2nd marriage.

 

[Mayzoo]

You cannot change him. You can pray for him. I do not recommend you pray for changes so much, but maybe pray he accepts God's will in his life.

You can change you. Maybe he will change as a result of your changes, maybe not. Either way, your goal in changing yourself needs to be improving your marriage. Do not make your goal to change him.

Every day, and sometimes every moment, you need to ask yourself "what can I do that will result in a positive difference in my marriage?" or ask yourself "how can I bless him today?"

 

[Mayzoo]

duplicate

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

Thank you so much, Mayzoo. I will continue to pray for him but not so much in changing as I had been doing. You are right, whatever God has for Him is for Him but my husband has to be willing to accept and this is what I will pray for. Thank you. I have been told several times that as I go, my house will go...as told by a Minister. I dont know if he sees me as the stronger vessel or what but he is right. But I always resort back to what my husband is or is not doing. How can I bless my husband? Will keep this thought in my head. Thank you, again.

 

[Mayzoo]

Thank you so much, Mayzoo. I will continue to pray for him but not so much in changing as I had been doing. You are right, whatever God has for Him is for Him but my husband has to be willing to accept and this is what I will pray for. Thank you. I have been told several times that as I go, my house will go...as told by a Minister. I dont know if he sees me as the stronger vessel or what but he is right. But I always resort back to what my husband is or is not doing. How can I bless my husband? Will keep this thought in my head. Thank you, again.

Your welcome.

Another thought: Christ's focus is/was on what He can do for us. His focus is not on what have we done to deserve His love.

Marriage is (should be) in many ways like this. We should try to focus on what positive things we can do for the other the person, not what the other person "deserves" us to do to them. This will result in the best outcome.

I know I do not want my husband to treat me as I sometimes "deserve" to be treated, and likewise he sometimes does not want me to treat him as he "deserves" to be treated. We each would prefer to be treated with love and respect; yes, sometimes especially when we do not deserve it.

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

My goodness! That is it! I never looked at it this way. God still loves us and shows it countless times, even when we are not deserving. I am looking at love all wrong instead of looking it it from the view of Christ. Your post brought tears to my eyes as I see hope. Thank you.

 

[contango]

My husband and I just cant seem to get along. I feel like I always have to be the one to change. He says our marriage is this way because I always complain and I say I complain because there is not enough sex and intimacy. We both are unhappy. But we both want to be married to each other. We both have said things and done things in order to feel better, some not so good. I want to change. I dont want to lose him but some conflict comes because he is not a man of God. He has fallen off from attending church, stopped tithing, has picked up drinking, and I just dont feel he is leading us. Part I feel he is this way because of the nagging. I want to change but I always have this feeling of, look what he is doing. Someone help us please. We have brought up divorce more than once. This is both our 2nd marriage.

Some of the things you mention don't sound like real issues to me, if I'm honest.

"Stopped tithing" - what exactly do you mean by that? If you mean he's stopped giving anything to support God's mission that could be a problem but if you just mean he doesn't strictly give 10% then I don't see it as an issue at all. Personally I dislike the idea of tithing - it's an Old Testament construct that applied to produce and when applied to finances in the 21st century western world it hurts the poor while giving the rich an easy pass, all the while risking pastors gaining a sense of entitlement that they will get their hands on 10% of the total combined income of the church fellowship.

"Picked up drinking" - if you mean he's getting drunk regularly then that's a problem. If you mean he has a beer now and then is that really a problem? I know some Christian groups take a dim view of drinking but I can't see any Biblical justification for such a stance.

You said "he is not a man of God". Do you mean he's not a Christian? If so why would you expect him to worry about tithing or attending church? If he's just going through the motions you shouldn't be surprised if he gets resentful of it.

Here's a brutal question to consider - are you helping create a situation where he feels disconnected from life and just wants to hide away from it all? The bigger picture I'm seeing in what you describe could be a man who has found someone else and so become disconnected from you, or it could be a man who is struggling to cope with one or more issues with life and doesn't have anywhere he feels safe. If he's under pressure at work, maybe at risk of losing his job (and therefore facing the chance he will be unable be your provider/protector), he's going to be stressed. If all he has to look forward to at the end of his working day is a wife who is griping about something else that's wrong, is he in a place where his work life stinks but he doesn't even have anything to look forward to when it's time to knock off and go home?

Of the two scenarios, from what you've described I'd say the second is far more likely. If he's under pressure he's possibly looking for some relief from the pressure, and maybe he is struggling to relax. And if he's not a Christian (you said he's "not a man of God") the last thing he's going to want is you expecting to take 10% of everything he makes and give it away, if he's thinking he needs to save that in case he loses his job.

As others have said you can't change him, you can only change yourself. So if you need to change, go to it. If a lack of intimacy is a major problem, maybe he's feeling stressed and pressured into performing, and generally stress isn't good for a man "down there". Without wishing to be too graphic here, would it work to ease off on the pressure and maybe surprise him with something he's not expecting, with no pressure, where you can focus on him and what he needs? If you want more than he does but he's under pressure and struggling to keep up with what you want, is it an option to take care of things yourself even if only while you support him through whatever is troubling him?

 

[rivulet]

A man's number one love language is sex! If he says he doesn't feel like there is enough intimacy, he might feel like you're pushing his love aside like a cup of stale coffee. We women have a tendency to do that because sex is not as important to us so we really undervalue what it means to our husbands. It really shows your husband how much you love him when you put effort into being intimate with him.

On another note, I'm supposing that your husband wouldn't be up for marriage counseling? If not, you might consider it for yourself in an effort to becoming a better wife.

Marriage is compromises and you have to be willing to do that or it will never work. It's hard to learn to cohabitate with someone else.

I'm always looking for ways to be a better wife to my husband. Nagging is not okay. It might him feel inadequate (as if nothing could ever make you happy). My husband and I worked out a chore chart. I know it sounds juvenile but it works. He knows what he's supposed to do and I know what I'm supposed to do. I NEVER remind him to do his chores, even if they don't get done. He's my husband, not my child. And sooner or later, my husband realizes he hasn't done his chores in a couple of days and then feels a little guilty and does them all. You have to be secure enough to just let somethings go. Let the house be a little dirty or whatever the Nagging is.

And I wouldn't expect him to change at all. If you don't like the way he is now, you probably aren't going to like the way he is in 10-20 years either. It is wrong of us to think other people should change so we can be comfortable or happy. Your husband may never stop drinking or may never go back to church. Can you live with that? Are you secure enough to let it go?

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

Some of the things you mention don't sound like real issues to me, if I'm honest.

"Stopped tithing" - what exactly do you mean by that? If you mean he's stopped giving anything to support God's mission that could be a problem but if you just mean he doesn't strictly give 10% then I don't see it as an issue at all. Personally I dislike the idea of tithing - it's an Old Testament construct that applied to produce and when applied to finances in the 21st century western world it hurts the poor while giving the rich an easy pass, all the while risking pastors gaining a sense of entitlement that they will get their hands on 10% of the total combined income of the church fellowship.

"Picked up drinking" - if you mean he's getting drunk regularly then that's a problem. If you mean he has a beer now and then is that really a problem? I know some Christian groups take a dim view of drinking but I can't see any Biblical justification for such a stance.

You said "he is not a man of God". Do you mean he's not a Christian? If so why would you expect him to worry about tithing or attending church? If he's just going through the motions you shouldn't be surprised if he gets resentful of it.

Here's a brutal question to consider - are you helping create a situation where he feels disconnected from life and just wants to hide away from it all? The bigger picture I'm seeing in what you describe could be a man who has found someone else and so become disconnected from you, or it could be a man who is struggling to cope with one or more issues with life and doesn't have anywhere he feels safe. If he's under pressure at work, maybe at risk of losing his job (and therefore facing the chance he will be unable be your provider/protector), he's going to be stressed. If all he has to look forward to at the end of his working day is a wife who is griping about something else that's wrong, is he in a place where his work life stinks but he doesn't even have anything to look forward to when it's time to knock off and go home?

Of the two scenarios, from what you've described I'd say the second is far more likely. If he's under pressure he's possibly looking for some relief from the pressure, and maybe he is struggling to relax. And if he's not a Christian (you said he's "not a man of God") the last thing he's going to want is you expecting to take 10% of everything he makes and give it away, if he's thinking he needs to save that in case he loses his job.

As others have said you can't change him, you can only change yourself. So if you need to change, go to it. If a lack of intimacy is a major problem, maybe he's feeling stressed and pressured into performing, and generally stress isn't good for a man "down there". Without wishing to be too graphic here, would it work to ease off on the pressure and maybe surprise him with something he's not expecting, with no pressure, where you can focus on him and what he needs? If you want more than he does but he's under pressure and struggling to keep up with what you want, is it an option to take care of things yourself even if only while you support him through whatever is troubling him?

Well, these are certainly issues for me in our marriage. Each marriage is different, but for our marriage, these are what concern me. As far as tithing, he is not tithing anything at all, no church, no ministry, nothing. This is not where he was growing. Before he was doing all these things and now nothing. I am an office manager for our church. Tithing is so much more than what you stated. I can only speak for our church but it is what keeps our church running. Utilities have to be paid, building upkeep, support of our 20 plus ministries, and yes to pay my salary as well as the Pastor, 2 minister, and custodian on staff. The church will not run on its own. Tithing is what keeps the church going. But anyway, I really don't want to get into that. He does not tithe anymore.

I do feel that my husband is under a lot of stress. His dress isn't the same. He sleeps a lot. He stays up late. He really does not go anywhere so the idea of someone else is out of the question but I put nothing past anyone. Our sex life totally sucks and yes I say something to him. The going 2 weeks without anything until I finally just say something is too much for me. But he gets all jealous when someone compliments me. This whole slump thing is irritating to me and I may sound selfish but I am his wife and I am supposed to look to him for my needs. And yes I believe he subconsciously has a problem down there and he thinks so too. But he has yet to go to the doctor. Not helping our relationship at all.

I'm in counseling, because I want to be a better wife, a better person. I want to understand what he is going through but it is hard. Our finances also have him in a slump. He often asks why am I not concerned about our finances, but I am. Just because I am not going into a depressed state does not mean I don't care. I have a higher being that has taken care of us to this very day. Why am I worried?

 

[GodSentMyHusband]

A man's number one love language is sex! If he says he doesn't feel like there is enough intimacy, he might feel like you're pushing his love aside like a cup of stale coffee. We women have a tendency to do that because sex is not as important to us so we really undervalue what it means to our husbands. It really shows your husband how much you love him when you put effort into being intimate with him.

On another note, I'm supposing that your husband wouldn't be up for marriage counseling? If not, you might consider it for yourself in an effort to becoming a better wife.

Marriage is compromises and you have to be willing to do that or it will never work. It's hard to learn to cohabitate with someone else.

I'm always looking for ways to be a better wife to my husband. Nagging is not okay. It might him feel inadequate (as if nothing could ever make you happy). My husband and I worked out a chore chart. I know it sounds juvenile but it works. He knows what he's supposed to do and I know what I'm supposed to do. I NEVER remind him to do his chores, even if they don't get done. He's my husband, not my child. And sooner or later, my husband realizes he hasn't done his chores in a couple of days and then feels a little guilty and does them all. You have to be secure enough to just let somethings go. Let the house be a little dirty or whatever the Nagging is.

And I wouldn't expect him to change at all. If you don't like the way he is now, you probably aren't going to like the way he is in 10-20 years either. It is wrong of us to think other people should change so we can be comfortable or happy. Your husband may never stop drinking or may never go back to church. Can you live with that? Are you secure enough to let it go?

I also thought sex is a man's number one love language. But not my husband. I am the one that thinks there is not enough intimacy and sex in our marriage. I am the one begging for sex. I am the one trying to be intimate. I am the one thinking of ways to make intimacy and sex better. I never turn him down. I always want sex. He always makes excuses.

My husband definitely will not do counseling. I am in counseling by myself. He thinks we can work out any issues we have with ourselves. That is not the purpose of counseling. We did however speak with our church counselors on 3 sessions when we really were close to divorcing. It didn't help. He would get angry after each session saying why did you say that. That is the purpose of counseling, to not withhold anything.

He has said the nagging is a lot for him. He says I am not one of the children. But that is how he acts. Then he expects me to be the one to take care of the house. He has said it before. This is all with me working. I have to admit that he does cook. This is definitely his passion. But he is not going to clean. I know I have to compromise with him. It is extremely hard. I am starting to reach a point of just dealing with him. I don't want him to change. I want him to accept what God has for him and realize the wonderful being that he married. I feel he takes that for granted...

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I also thought sex is a man's number one love language. But not my husband. I am the one that thinks there is not enough intimacy and sex in our marriage. I am the one begging for sex. I am the one trying to be intimate. I am the one thinking of ways to make intimacy and sex better. I never turn him down. I always want sex. He always makes excuses.

My husband definitely will not do counseling. I am in counseling by myself. He thinks we can work out any issues we have with ourselves. That is not the purpose of counseling. We did however speak with our church counselors on 3 sessions when we really were close to divorcing. It didn't help. He would get angry after each session saying why did you say that. That is the purpose of counseling, to not withhold anything.

He has said the nagging is a lot for him. He says I am not one of the children. But that is how he acts. Then he expects me to be the one to take care of the house. He has said it before. This is all with me working. I have to admit that he does cook. This is definitely his passion. But he is not going to clean. I know I have to compromise with him. It is extremely hard. I am starting to reach a point of just dealing with him. I don't want him to change. I want him to accept what God has for him and realize the wonderful being that he married. I feel he takes that for granted...

After reading your posts, I feel that you are the one who is down on him. Ok...he's not tithing...so you write the check. Its entirely possible to work and take care of the house and children (I took care of the house and numerous pets, no kids here). If he says you're nagging, then look for better ways to communicate with him.

You say you don't want him to change but you want him to accept what God has for him...that's change! You want him to realize the "wonderful being" he married...sounds a little egotistical there to me. Marriage is all about compromise and not always getting to have things the way you want them to be.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I think its common with counseling. Many think they don't need it and can solve things themselves. Just like many think they can marry unequally yolked and change that person. Or many think they get rid of sinful addictions without Gods help. Its pride in action. Though in some cases like counseling, people avoid it because of exactly what your husband said about "Why did you tell them that?". Lets face it right or wrong its not easy to hear people speak out during counseling. And if one gets angry then it goes to show the counseling was needed.

As for tithing. Do you tithe because you love to do it or because you want the church bills to be paid? Obviously your right about a church isn't free to maintain. But you have to be tithing for the right reasons. If he doesn't want to tithe then thats up to him really. Can't force someone to tithe. Though I do believe by not tithing you miss out on blessings since you trust God with your... I mean His (Gods) money. People are hard to change and theres not much we can do if they don't want to change but continue to pray for them. Also nagging forever will only make it worse. My mom nags on my dad and all its done is make him get more tired of her overtime. And my mom has drinking issues with win, she drinks to much and gets drunk. But again not much my dad can do. Hes tried everything to stop her but has given up on trying to get her to stop.

 

[sdmsanjose]

By Godsentmyhusband
Why am I worried?

You are worried because:

He has fallen off from attending church, stopped tithing, has picked up drinking, and I just dont feel he is leading us.
Before he was doing all these things and now nothing



I am the one begging for sex.
He always makes excuses.
But he gets all jealous when someone compliments me.
And yes I believe he subconsciously has a problem down there and he thinks so too. But he has yet to go to the doctor.



My husband definitely will not do counseling. I am in counseling by myself. He thinks we can work out any issues we have with ourselves.
He would get angry after each session saying why did you say that. That is the purpose of counseling, to not withhold anything.

Your husband is failing at his Christian growth and obedience. In addition, he is depriving you of love, affection, and sex. Also, your husband’s refusal to go to counselling when he admitted there is a problem means that he is coping out. In fact, he gets angry and tries to smother the truth.


You have a very good reason for worry. According to your posts he is a stumbling block to getting your marriage in better shape. You have some issues to work on yourself but you are TAKING ACTIONS to get better and he is not! I say that because of your statement below

I'm in counseling, because I want to be a better wife, a better person

I want him to accept what God has for him and realize the wonderful being that he married.

I do not think your statement above has anything to do with you being egotistical because you have already admitted several times about your nagging and wanting to be a better wife. Frankly it is refreshing to see a woman that has a good healthy self-esteem and feels that she is “…fearfully and wonderfully made”


I do not know what is bothering your husband but, by your posts, I am sure that something is as he has made some rather significate changes. My advice would be:

1 Realize that your nagging will only make things worse even if you have good reason to nag.

2 Realize that God made your husband to have a free will and that is mostly under his control only.

3 Your best method is to pray for him, pray for God’s guidance (I am sure you already have) and love him whenever you are able. I suspect that your husband has a problem with himself and is fighting facing up and taking strong actions to get better. Denial is not just a river in Egypt it is very prevalent reaction when something is wrong within.

4 Generally speaking and usually you are the last person to confront him with his issues. Is there a man that can reach him and help him confront his issues with discernment and diplomacy?

5. Realize that you are going to have to suffer even though you are trying to get yourself better. From what you described your husband is not meeting your needs and that is not fair but marriage has a lot of times the is not fair is present. If you can do something to lessen or stop your suffering do it but often you just have to suffer the injustice and wait to see if your husband is going to respond to the spirit. You did insinuate that he is a believer so he will have a chance(s) to respond to the Holy Spirit.

6 In relationships, the Christian life is very difficult at times because we are called to try and be Christ Like (Christian) and that means suffering because of someone else’s actions or inactions.

I know my above advice is not a cure-all answer and that is because there is not one. The hope is that your husband will respond to your Christ like actions, the wooing of the Holy Spirit, and any other situation or people that God may bring into your husband’s life.


Your job is to be Christ like, patient, endure suffering, be loving, always praying, and keep your faith in God’s promises.

 

[madera23]

Thank you so much, Mayzoo. I will continue to pray for him but not so much in changing as I had been doing. You are right, whatever God has for Him is for Him but my husband has to be willing to accept and this is what I will pray for. Thank you. I have been told several times that as I go, my house will go...as told by a Minister. I dont know if he sees me as the stronger vessel or what but he is right. But I always resort back to what my husband is or is not doing. How can I bless my husband? Will keep this thought in my head. Thank you, again.

You can bless your husband by not nagging him.
Let him be the man
of the house.
Some women seem to boss them around make them feel inferior.
He may make mistakes, let him learn from it, no more nagging.
You cant force him to go to church, he would resent it.
He probably had a bossy mother that nagged him.
Men usually marry their mothers and then you try to become his mother.
this is a big turn off and can affect your love life, after all who wants to have sex with
someone that reminds him of his mother.
madera

 

[RedPonyDriver]

I never understood that "nagging" thing. Your husband is an adult. You can TALK about stuff but nagging, constantly reminding him, is something that is not showing your husband any respect or understanding that HE is an adult and doesn't need that.

My husband (who is at home full time due to disability) usually will ask me what I would like him to accomplish during the day. I tell him 2 or 3 things...and that's it. If he doesn't do them (which may be because he's having a bad day), then I don't fuss, whine, nag or anything else. Either I do it or wait another few days and ask him to do whatever it was.

If he doesn't want to go to church, he doesn't have to go to church. If he's not tithing...well...YOU write the check after discussing it with him.

If he doesn't want to be intimate, don't push him, don't fuss about it. Let HIM regain control over that.

 

[bluegreysky]

My husband and I just cant seem to get along. I feel like I always have to be the one to change. He says our marriage is this way because I always complain and I say I complain because there is not enough sex and intimacy. We both are unhappy. But we both want to be married to each other. We both have said things and done things in order to feel better, some not so good. I want to change. I dont want to lose him but some conflict comes because he is not a man of God. He has fallen off from attending church, stopped tithing, has picked up drinking, and I just dont feel he is leading us. Part I feel he is this way because of the nagging. I want to change but I always have this feeling of, look what he is doing. Someone help us please. We have brought up divorce more than once. This is both our 2nd marriage.

So don't nag him.
I have sometimes a similar situation. My husband IS a man of God but he is also a man with PTSD and he struggles when it comes to social stuff so sometimes he doesn't want to go to church or participate in things and he's always tempted to drink...used to hit the bottle hard but doesn't anymore.
we argue. i feel angry around him sometimes for unexplained reasons. he's the one with the high libido so he's the one who says I need to try harder at intimacy. I have anxiety too and it makes intimacy hard. We both have short tempers if we don't keep it in check.
Nagging doesn't help.
It stresses not only the other person but you as well because you have to repeat things over and over and over. it's draining.
And he will tune you out. Because you sound like a broken record.
Watch the movie "Fireproof".
It may seem hallmark-channel-cheesy, but it has a bit of wisdom in it.
I watched it last year as a newlywed, when there was little argument at all ever. And I watched it again recently now that we've been at this for a year and argue all the time.
There's alot of emphasis on doing things you know are kind even when the other spouse doesn't deserve the kindness.
there's also alot of emphasis on praying for God to keep the marriage together and to help both of you change for the better.
There's also a good book and workbook set called "love and respect".
There's chapters of emphasis on doing things that respect your spouse and being consciencious if you are disrespecting them.
Another good one- The 5 love languages.
You dont' even have to read the book if you don't want to.
You can take the quiz for free online and learn what each of your primaries are.
Apparently, it sounds like yours is physical touch.
His might be something else, like acts of service or quality time.
"speak" in his "language" with your actions whilst also NOT nagging him but DEFINITELY praising him for what he does right and after a few weeks he will probably notice the difference. And he will start making the effort to speak your language.
My hubby has told me many times that if I would praise him more and criticize less, and speak his languages, he'd be on board when I want something like for him to join me at church when he really doesn't feel like it.
Sure enough... he did it when I tried harder to be more supportive!
I know because I did all this stuff.

 

[Thunder Peel]

I'm no expert but most men want to be appreciated and respected more than anything. Knowing that a man's hard work and dedication is valued and noticed will do wonders. It may not fix everything overnight but a feeling of purpose and respect, more than sex, money or any other aspect of a relationship, will drive a man in deeper ways than you can know. Compliment and encourage him when you can and pray that he returns to God and begins to lead and love as Christ desires him to.

 

[contango]

Well, these are certainly issues for me in our marriage. Each marriage is different, but for our marriage, these are what concern me. As far as tithing, he is not tithing anything at all, no church, no ministry, nothing. This is not where he was growing. Before he was doing all these things and now nothing. I am an office manager for our church. Tithing is so much more than what you stated. I can only speak for our church but it is what keeps our church running. Utilities have to be paid, building upkeep, support of our 20 plus ministries, and yes to pay my salary as well as the Pastor, 2 minister, and custodian on staff. The church will not run on its own. Tithing is what keeps the church going. But anyway, I really don't want to get into that. He does not tithe anymore.

Giving is what keeps the church going. If someone who is on a low income and can barely make ends meet gives "only" 3% because that's the best they believe they can manage, they shouldn't be pressured into giving 10%. Likewise someone who is making so much they can give 25% and not even notice it's gone would ideally be giving way more than 10%.

Does he have a Christian faith of his own? If not, don't be surprised if he feels disinclined to support a Christian ministry, especially if he feels under financial pressure. Put yourself in his shoes - if you didn't have a Christian faith and he wanted to give precisely 10% of everything you earned to support a faith you didn't believe in, and all the while you were struggling to figure out how you were going to continue to put food on the table, how would you feel about it?

I do feel that my husband is under a lot of stress. His dress isn't the same. He sleeps a lot. He stays up late. He really does not go anywhere so the idea of someone else is out of the question but I put nothing past anyone. Our sex life totally sucks and yes I say something to him. The going 2 weeks without anything until I finally just say something is too much for me. But he gets all jealous when someone compliments me. This whole slump thing is irritating to me and I may sound selfish but I am his wife and I am supposed to look to him for my needs. And yes I believe he subconsciously has a problem down there and he thinks so too. But he has yet to go to the doctor. Not helping our relationship at all.

If he stays up late doing nothing in particular and then stays in bed late, and has mostly or totally lost interest in sex, my first thought would be stress or depression, maybe a bit of both.

A lot of men won't go to the doctor unless something is really critical. I'm the sort of person that goes to the doctor when I'm one step away from clinically dead. It's far from rare to find that men don't want to admit there's a problem they can't handle - a large part of what we do is solve problems, so to bring our own problem into the household and be unable to fix it is tantamount to an admission of failure in the minds of many men.

I'm in counseling, because I want to be a better wife, a better person. I want to understand what he is going through but it is hard. Our finances also have him in a slump. He often asks why am I not concerned about our finances, but I am. Just because I am not going into a depressed state does not mean I don't care. I have a higher being that has taken care of us to this very day. Why am I worried?

From his perspective it may be that you insisting on giving to the church, especially if you insist on a non-negotiable 10% of his income, shows you're not concerned about your finances. Obviously the church is important to you (as it should be), and as you rightly say the church bills don't pay themselves. Why not talk to him about that aspect to see if that's what bothers him, and look at the figures to come to a figure you're both happy with?

2Co 9:5-7 NKJV Therefore I thought it necessary to exhort the brethren to go to you ahead of time, and prepare your generous gift beforehand, which you had previously promised, that it may be ready as a matter of generosity and not as a grudging obligation. (6) But this I say: He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. (7) So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver.

Give what you can give cheerfully, and trust that God will use it. If you can cheerfully give 3% but begrudge 4% then give 3%. If you can give 33% cheerfully then do that. Just make sure you and he are on the same page. If it's important to you he should be willing to give you some leeway, just give a little leeway back.

 

[sdmsanjose]

You can bless your husband by not nagging him.

Let him be the man of the house.

Some women seem to boss them around make them feel inferior.

He probably had a bossy mother that nagged him.

I never understood that "nagging" thing. Your husband is an adult. You can TALK about stuff but nagging, constantly reminding him, is something that is not showing your husband any respect or understanding that HE is an adult and doesn't need that.

So don't nag him.

The OP, Godsentmyhusband, has already said that she needs to improve and is going to counseling to get better.

Why has the last several posts keep telling her about her nagging? Folks the main problem is not her nagging the main problem is that her husband is coping out. He has “picked up drinking, his wife begs him for sex and he makes excuses, he get jealous of his wife if someone compliments her, he thinks that he has a problem and will not go to the doctor, refuses to go to counselling, and gets mad at his wife when she is open and honest. Why keep telling her that she is the problem when she is doing something to correct her problem?

I am a man and I have been nagged but that does not make me start drinking, make excuse why I will not meet my wife’s needs, get jealous, get mad at my wife if she brings out in the open some issues that need to be faced, and refuse to get help when it is obvious there is a serious problem. By focusing on her nagging are you straining on a gnat and swallowing a camel?

This woman needs to be supported not keep telling her how she is failing when she is taking action to get better.

 

[madera23]

Think as you like.