marriage on your deathbed?

[bluegreysky]

This is a concept I realized I really don't understand,
and in my attempt to be "less ignorant" I wanted to put this out there and see if anyone understands where those who do this are coming from.

about 13 or 14 years back, there was this small-studio movie called "a walk to remember" it starred Mandy Moore and it was about a wayward high school bad boy who got into trouble and how mandatory community service landing him working side by side with this small-town preacher's daughter who he always made fun of.
They wind up falling in love and then she tells him she's dying from leukemia. They marry anyway, even though he has only a few months to enjoy her.
It's a movie, and it's from a Nicholas Sparks novel and it's based on a true story (I think).
I was 14 when I saw that in theaters, and it was the first time I ever heard of someone marrying someone who was dying.
They made it LOOK beautiful and romantic though.

Over the years I'd read real stories from like Huffington Post about actual people who were dying and their dying wish was to marry their girlfriend or boyfriend so they had a wedding right there in the hospital.

Most recently, there's been this old couple that are customers at work and they are in their 60's, they dated in high school, then he went off the war and she married someone else .... now she's alone again so they started dating but he's dying from tumors and they still plan to elope even though he's on his last leg.

What is that called? Why do people do that?
I can imagine marrying someone with a disability.... technically I did, I married someone with PTSD and it's hard sometimes... and I can imagine getting married to someone with maybe a health condition or autism or a physical disability and you have to compromise alot but you have your whole lives together.
But I could never imagine getting romantically, emotionally attached to someone who is going to be gone soon.
gone overseas? yes, they might come back.
gone forever, eternal sleep? no. I couldn't put my heart through that yikes.

Is there a name for the act of purposefully marrying someone who is dying, to grant a dying wish? Is that a type of altruism?

Just curious. Enlighten me.

 

[Grafted In]

Perhaps their relationship is such that the one dying may want to make certain all of his/her wealth goes to the other. Perhaps he/she is on the outs with his or her own family, or with an ex wife or husband. If married it's my undstanding that all will go to the new wife/husband.

. And I believe that in the event of the death if one or the other the wealth of the deceased may be tied up in a legal battle where as if they were married there would be no question. Just my thoughts.

 

[snoochface]

It just sounds like love to me. Til death do us part can mean as soon as you walk out of the doors of the church, three months later, or 60 years later. These people are just choosing to focus on the life they can have for as long as they have, instead of focusing on the inevitable end. No one knows how long we have, ultimately, anyway.

 

[bluegreysky]

I guess it's just a concept I can't grasp. This one time, I had a chance to get into a relationship with a male friend and then a few days after I had really started considering it, he came over and told me that he was planning to accept a mission with the military to go live in another state for a year. just a year.
and I was like ... "NOPE!"
though some of that hesistation was the fact that he had other traits about him that weren't ideal. Like I think if he had a kinder heart and a better personality and we'd been in love for awhile and then he wanted to do a long distance thing,
I would agree.
But I still couldn't imagine getting married to anyone who would be gone in a month.

 

[WolfGate]

I can totally see it. Clearly your wedding was important to you - you have a picture as your profile. And I doubt it was important to you because of financial reasons or sex. I would think it likely was important to you because of the show of love, because of the bonding, because it acknowledges that the two of you are meant to and committed to becoming one. Perhaps also because you see and dream about spending the future God has granted you together.

None of that would change if you knew your life was only days or weeks or months instead of the expected decades. In fact it might be even more wonderful simply because of the perspective that terminal illness can bring.

 

[bluegreysky]

No, I wouldn't do that to him because it would be too depressing. I'd want him to go and live his life and be happy and not get tied down to me.

 

[ValleyGal]

I will tell you my story. Bear with me - it makes a point. Long, long before I met my current husband, I loved another. I grew up with him, knew his family from church, and was friends with his sister. We grew up and he moved away, but when he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, he moved back to our hometown and eventually we got back in touch and spent friendly time together. He was not expected to live long, but he did... and after years of being friends, I heard God speak "just love him." I obeyed, and our love grew deep.

He initially had some issues like you do - he did not want to put me through loving him only to lose him, but it did not matter. The love was there, and there was no stopping it. People knew we were very close friends, but only a handful knew about the love, the spiritual connection, the incredible bond we shared, and the relationship was godly (we did not become sexual with each other). We held hands, kissed each other goodnight, played footsies, walked arm in arm, but we honoured God in our relationship. We talked of marriage, and wanted to spend our lives together, no matter how long one of those lives would be - after all, I could have married him, walked outside the next day and been hit by a car. There are no guarantees.

Around the same time we started talking about marriage, he came out of remission and got sick very quickly. He became bedridden before long, and I went to visit him often...at one point, his sister was there, and he "introduced us" as husband and wife...it was his way of making our relationship public. Others in his family already knew, although I did not find out until the funeral.

I would have married him if he wanted to before he died, and not for any legal reasons. I would have done it to publicly declare my love for him, to privately declare my love for him, to fulfill his dreams, to spend even one night with him even if it were never to be consummated, but just to have and to hold even for one night. I was prepared to make a vow till death do us part, and even did that with him in private on our last date out.... and it had a meaning attached to it that far more real than for two healthy people standing in front of a marriage officiant surrounded by friends and family.

All that is no disrespect to my current husband, who I love with all my heart. My beloved from all those years ago had a significant influence on my entire life for the next decade as I grieved. Mostly, though, if it were not for him, I would not have been so choosy about dating and marriage with my current husband. He was good for me at that time in my life, and I honour his memory. God knew that he needed to die knowing he was well loved, and God knew that I needed to know what mature love was, so I could use that knowledge in my future search for a spouse.

When God first told me "just love him," I argued with God, "but he's dying!" And God said "I promise I will make it worth it." And he did. The many years of grief were a drop in the bucket compared to the few years of amazing love!

I don't know why others marry on the deathbed, but I know why I would have done it...

 

[dgiharris]

Imagine that you have a heart condition and are going to get surgery. The doctor tells you that after the surgery, you will be fine but you will never be able to ride a roller coaster again. You love roller coasters.

The surgery is in two days. Would you ride a roller coaster one last time?

I know, that analogy sorta sucks, but I've always thought about these sorts of things in those sorts of terms. Sure, marrying someone who is dying in a few months isn't ideal, but that doesn't mean those last few months can't be special.

If I loved someone and they were dying and I wanted to marry them, I would marry them. I'd rather have a few months together with the person I loved than to not have those months at all. That is sorta how I see it.

Sure, there will be pain after they are gone.

But I rather have had loved and lost than never have loved at all... (as the poem goes...)

 

[WolfGate]

No, I wouldn't do that to him because it would be too depressing. I'd want him to go and live his life and be happy and not get tied down to me.

I know you don't really mean it this way, but it sounds you think marriage and love only has value for those who believe they have a long, traditional life ahead of them. Thinking about what you just said though, the question comes up to me - which is more depressing for the remaining person? Loving someone for a short time who dies knowing you loved and cared about them, or living with the reality that you left them alone so you could pursue an unknown happiness?

Valleygirl's story is common among those I know who lost a loved one early. The grief is real, but looking back the joy overwhelms it.

 

[bluegreysky]

Well, I know something could happen to me or my spouse. But we went into marriage knowing the odds of that were smaller because one of us isn't already on our deathbed.

 

[Dave-W]

Well, I know something could happen to me or my spouse. But we went into marriage knowing the odds of that were smaller because one of us isn't already on our deathbed.

Look at the situation 2 different ways:

1 - you 2 are in love but they are dying; only have a few months to live. So you do not marry, they die 6 months later; and then have to start looking for someone else to love and marry.

2 - you 2 are in love but they are dying; only have a few months to live. So you Do marry, you have a very happy 6 months together and then they die. So then have to start looking for someone else to love and marry.

Both paths start and end up in the same place. Both carry a lot of pain. But #2 gives you 6 months of intense togetherness not in #1.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well imagine it from the point of view from the person whos dying. If the person says no to marrying them. Then they will die a painful (emotionally/mentally) death from a broken heart and feel like in their last moments, the love they thought they had meant nothing. Sure there would be alot of paperwork after. But love overcomes all. And to not marry because of any doubt would show the person has no hope in God. If I were to marry someone who had like a few weeks left I'd marry them because I'd want it to be the best time of their life. And because paperwork and other things are not that important to me compared to love.

As someone else said, in the end it leads to the same path of being single. So why not marry really.

 

[bluegreysky]

well, before you think I'm totally heartless....

Let's say my husband wasn't married to me yet, we were just dating, and he called me up and said "I have bad news. I've got cancer and I only have 6 months to live"
No, I wouldn't be like "NOPE!" and hang up the phone.
In fact, I probably would resist temptation to break up with him and get as far away from the pain as I can now instead of waiting 6 more months to go through it.
(I'm a get it done now kind of person)
While I might not marry him on his deathbed, I would do this:
find out his last wishes, and make them happen. even if it runs me into a little bit of debt. That boy traveled alot as a kid because his family moved alot of cool places so his bucketlist wouldn't be travel. It would be stuff like... visit a comic con, meet some famous authors or artists probably, try some exotic food...
ok so I'd pop that on my credit cards for him and take him to do all the fun things he wanted to do in life.
I wouldn't let him die alone either. I mean... he wouldn't. he has family nearby. But I would be there in those last moments.

 

[ValleyGal]

What if his last wish was to marry you, even on his deathbed? Would you make that happen?

 

[LinkH]

Back when I was single, if there was a woman I was attracted to and she told me she was going to die in a few months from some disease, I probably wouldn't have asked her out. She'd be put in the 'person who needs help and support' box in my mind at that point. I could pray for her to get healed.

But I'm imagining if my wife, back when we were dating, like right before I proposed and I really wanted to marry her, and then she had been diagnosed with some life-threatening illness, I certainly could see myself marrying her and being with her for the rest of her life, believing God that that would last a long time.

The story reminds me of my uncle and his girlfriend. I had an uncle who had smoked cigars since he was 5. His mother made him smoke a lot of rabbit tobacco to break him from it, but he just said he liked it. He was on his death bed from lung cancer in his 50's. I was a teenager, and we drove up as a family to see him and have our last moments with him.

His wife had died from brain cancer several years before and he had dated a woman about the same age who looked almost like his wife with the same hair style. She was divorced, and she didn't want to get married again. She just wanted companionship, she said. On his death bed, I heard him say something about wishing he could get better and marry her. She said she would love to marry him, or something like that. They didn't actually do it. He left his estate (his house and whatever else) to his children.

 

[Angeldove97]

I think the couple may just want that special covenant and bond between the two of them - even if they don't have a lot of time left on Earth. The moment that stands out to me during my marriage ceremony was when my husband and I held hands and the priest wrapped his stole (spelling?) around our hands - binding us together, sealing our sacred marriage covenant with Christ. That moment was even more special to me than the exchanging of rings or the kiss.

I know that the Bible teaches/theology teaches that there won't be marriages in heaven, but to know that you have been bond together with someone in and through love is amazing and I'm sure brings joy, hope, and peace to the loved one who is ill. It's the one thing my husband poo poo's about - he has no intention of our marriage being over after death. I told him that's fine with me as long as he promises not to haunt me if he goes first.

 

[Armoured]

This is a concept I realized I really don't understand,
and in my attempt to be "less ignorant" I wanted to put this out there and see if anyone understands where those who do this are coming from.

about 13 or 14 years back, there was this small-studio movie called "a walk to remember" it starred Mandy Moore and it was about a wayward high school bad boy who got into trouble and how mandatory community service landing him working side by side with this small-town preacher's daughter who he always made fun of.
They wind up falling in love and then she tells him she's dying from leukemia. They marry anyway, even though he has only a few months to enjoy her.
It's a movie, and it's from a Nicholas Sparks novel and it's based on a true story (I think).
I was 14 when I saw that in theaters, and it was the first time I ever heard of someone marrying someone who was dying.
They made it LOOK beautiful and romantic though.

Over the years I'd read real stories from like Huffington Post about actual people who were dying and their dying wish was to marry their girlfriend or boyfriend so they had a wedding right there in the hospital.

Most recently, there's been this old couple that are customers at work and they are in their 60's, they dated in high school, then he went off the war and she married someone else .... now she's alone again so they started dating but he's dying from tumors and they still plan to elope even though he's on his last leg.

What is that called? Why do people do that?
I can imagine marrying someone with a disability.... technically I did, I married someone with PTSD and it's hard sometimes... and I can imagine getting married to someone with maybe a health condition or autism or a physical disability and you have to compromise alot but you have your whole lives together.
But I could never imagine getting romantically, emotionally attached to someone who is going to be gone soon.
gone overseas? yes, they might come back.
gone forever, eternal sleep? no. I couldn't put my heart through that yikes.

Is there a name for the act of purposefully marrying someone who is dying, to grant a dying wish? Is that a type of altruism?

Just curious. Enlighten me.

Last time I died, my (now) wife travelled 900 kms in about 6 hours to be at the hospital I was at. By the time she got there, I was resuscitated and conscious again, but not expected to make it through the night. The priest who had just given me the last rights was still there, I asked if we could get married. Seemed the right thing to do. She didn't want to though, and we ended up getting married almost 6 months to the day later.

 

[Dave-W]

I know that the Bible teaches/theology teaches that there won't be marriages in heaven,

Actually, that would be no NEW marriages. The text says nothing about pre-existing marriages.

Your denomination's mileage may vary ...

 

[Dave-W]

While I might not marry him on his deathbed, I would do this:
find out his last wishes, and make them happen. even if it runs me into a little bit of debt.

And if those last wishes included some really awesome sex?

 

[Armoured]

And if those last wishes included some really awesome sex?

From experience, awesome sex is pretty far from your mind on your deathbed