Made a mistake of moving in. Ok to move out?

[DeathMagus]

Recap: I had "the talk" with him again without marriage. He tells me he thinks it's a better idea to wait until our daughter is at least 3yrs old (she's 1 now), before we get married so that she can see the wedding. Should I?

Set a date. He's been dragging his feet for years, so there's a good chance he's just stalling you again here. If he's serious, set a date together and start making the (very preliminary) plans now.

 

[MacNeil, D.]

Recap: I had "the talk" with him again without marriage. He tells me he thinks it's a better idea to wait until our daughter is at least 3yrs old (she's 1 now), before we get married so that she can see the wedding. Should I?

That's an excuse. He doesn't want to get married. Cow/milk as someone already said. He's a deadbeat in the making.

 

[visionary]

Leaving is the only way you are going find out... either he is going to see life without you and not want it or... He needs to face that decision as do you..

 

[Created2Write]

Firstly, I agree with NiobiumTragedy, that you're looking for a way out. Your posts don't sound like you love this guy. They sound more like you're just frustrated with him for dragging his feet, and he sounds like he's frustrated with you for wanting to get married at all. I would advise you to seriously consider what marriage will do. If you set a date, and pressure him into marriage, you may find bitterness and resentment in the years to come. If you just live together, you will feel guilty, and likely become bitter and resentful of him. If you move out, I seriously doubt if the relationship will last, and if it does, based on what I've read here, I doubt if it would be a healthy relationship.

Firstly: the kid is the most important aspect now. This isn't about what you would like, or what your fiance would like; it's about what is best for the kid. Also, your fiance doesn't seem capable of making his own decisions. For whatever reason, marriage seems to terrify and upset him which suggests that he is entirely unprepared for this. Not good. You want a man who will be a committed husband, and an attentive father.

Secondly: you don't seem as though you really know what to do. I commend your desire to get out of living in sin, however marriage may not be the best option for you. In fact, I think the best decision would be to end this relationship. Either figure out what it is you really want from this relationship, and enforce any necessary boundaries, or accept that the likely hood of a happy ending here is not great and walk away. Or, if you really think marriage is best for the kid, marry with the knowledge that this may not be the greatest of marriages. How can it be when you want the marriage, and he doesn't? Also, is it HIM you want, or the "wife" title?

Again, this is merely based on the little you have posted. Which, by the way, defensiveness is not necessary. You came to this forum asking for help. Not everyone is going to see a silver lining, not everyone is going to post a silver lining option for you, so don't get upset and defensive at those who've taken time to offer advice. If you want a direct answer, give more direct info.

 

[The Nihilist]

What state are you in? Some states recognize common law marriage, in which case, if you just live with him long enough, you're more or less married. For that reason and because you two already have a kid, I say stay with him. If he's in no hurry to get married, then leaving now will probably mean it's over with him. Do you really want your kid raised by parents who don't live together if you can avoid it? Do you want your kid calling calling his new girlfriend "mom?"

Oh, unless you really don't love him. Don't put a kid through that.

 

[highlife]

Thank you Lizzygirl, that is what I meant.

A variant of "Why buy the cow if the milk's for free?"

To make the cow happy because you dont want the milk to run out. Since there is a kid he is going to have to pay child support no matter what if you break up so I dont see any reason why he would not marry you.

 

[sootylashes]

Hie midnight26,

Personally I don't think it would be wise to "reprimand" you for what you've already done in the past; you already know what you did wrong and that's good. What I think you (and we) need to do is focus on the present and the future, to right the wrong, to make a u-turn (like what CS Lewis said in the quote given by twins15).

Moving on, I'd recommend thinking hard and mulling over your relationship with your fiance - do you really love him? Do you see yourself married to him till death do you part? If I were you I'd do that, and if I can really say honestly to myself that I love him very much and want to be with his wife, I'd have a long heart-to-heart talk with him about our relationship. The best would be to get married and move out of his parents' house.

If, however, you decide that you don't want to marry him, I'd recommend ending the relationship. Like what Created2Write said, moving out without getting married would be bad for your relationship, and just living together without being married would be against God.

I really hope that God's will be done in both your lives.

 

[Midnight26]

Created2Write

Firstly, I agree with NiobiumTragedy, that you're looking for a way out. Your posts don't sound like you love this guy. They sound more like you're just frustrated with him for dragging his feet, and he sounds like he's frustrated with you for wanting to get married at all. I would advise you to seriously consider what marriage will do. If you set a date, and pressure him into marriage, you may find bitterness and resentment in the years to come. If you just live together, you will feel guilty, and likely become bitter and resentful of him. If you move out, I seriously doubt if the relationship will last, and if it does, based on what I've read here, I doubt if it would be a healthy relationship.

Firstly: the kid is the most important aspect now. This isn't about what you would like, or what your fiance would like; it's about what is best for the kid. Also, your fiance doesn't seem capable of making his own decisions. For whatever reason, marriage seems to terrify and upset him which suggests that he is entirely unprepared for this. Not good. You want a man who will be a committed husband, and an attentive father.

Secondly: you don't seem as though you really know what to do. I commend your desire to get out of living in sin, however marriage may not be the best option for you. In fact, I think the best decision would be to end this relationship. Either figure out what it is you really want from this relationship, and enforce any necessary boundaries, or accept that the likely hood of a happy ending here is not great and walk away. Or, if you really think marriage is best for the kid, marry with the knowledge that this may not be the greatest of marriages. How can it be when you want the marriage, and he doesn't? Also, is it HIM you want, or the "wife" title?

Again, this is merely based on the little you have posted. Which, by the way, defensiveness is not necessary. You came to this forum asking for help. Not everyone is going to see a silver lining, not everyone is going to post a silver lining option for you, so don't get upset and defensive at those who've taken time to offer advice. If you want a direct answer, give more direct info.

I just want to say that while I do really want to get married, If I don't love him now I know that I did before, and I really tried to do everything I could to have us work out. But he has had feelings for someone else. A girl who is a family member of a friend of his. He would ignore me and our child when she was around. (still does). I've been waiting years for him to decide if it's us he wants or it's her. (he still blatantly will deny it, but actions prove otherwise.) I guess it's neither. He still wants me, but he can't live a single day without driving us down her street everyday, and he times it just right as she is 19 now... when highschool is over, he has to drive next to the school just as the kids are getting out. And then drive by any place that he knows she goes to after school, whilst asking me if I see her. and if I do, he asks me like 5 times at least, if I waved back at her when she waves at us. I would confront him about what I saw... we would fight, it would get physical. I would go to work with bruises and have to lie to my boss and coworkers on how I got them. He didn't work at all and still doesnt... Yes maybe I wanted to get out of that stress.

My heart was HIS. Did I ever get his? I guess I'll never know... But you are right. I don't think I feel the same way about him anymore. It's been an emotional roller coaster for me for almost 5 yrs as of now, and I can't stand knowing how many times that I wanted to go somewhere and cry, and hide my pain of his crush so that my daughter wouldn't pick up on it. I can't stand how many times he would drag me over there, while I was still even pregnant to visit with her older sister, but believe me when this girl was there he WOULD not leave until she went home. And that went for me to. I was tired... pregnant, needed to go home. If I told him I would go home anyway so i could get sleep, he would throw huge guilt trip on me so that all our "friends" would hear so I would end up staying there late too. He couldn't stay there without me... at first I kept wanting to believe it was because he actually cared... come to find out later, he was afraid that her older sister and brother in law, and maybe even parents would find out that the two of them liked each other... no respect at all.

There is so much more about this crush of his I could go on forever... But I'll say before what I said again... I don't know where his place in my heart is now, but I can tell you that it was all his before. I didn't have any other people that I would have chose to spend my time or life with, like he did.
Ok, I un

 

[dayhiker]

Sounds like its time to say goodnight to this guy! Not only don't see him but also stop any money you are giving him and take his to court to get child support. Ya, doesn't sound like he will make any money to give you, but its always good to have a court order in your pocket.

 

[Midnight26]

I appreciate everyone's help... I'm kind of realizing something from all this now. I don't want to be in any more relationships. I'm done. I can't take the pain that it causes and FROM MY OWN MISTAKES that I've made. Had I not put my faith in a man none of this would be this way. So I'm really beginning to think God doesn't want that for me anymore. I cared too much about getting "married" that I got myself stuck. There is no more hope for me unless I just stop... everything. And just focus on my daughter.

No more men. I shouldn't even really be talking to them anymore, because like always I will get tempted and want something more. I will just try to make more female friends, and if this relationship doesn't work out, which I think will end but probably waaay down the road because there will be nothing left of me to give anymore. There we go, problem solved. I will have nothing any more that a man will want so I probably won't be tempted much anymore. I just ask for all your prayers that I keep to myself and focus on my daughter, and that satans temptations do not get in the way. I see what I am now, and all in all, I screwed up. So if this is the only way to fix it, then I'm going all the way.

 

[DeathMagus]

So, your solution is to attribute your own mistakes and failings (and/or those of your partners) to God's will?

 

[Midnight26]

Actually, it's more of my consequences... Because of them, his will for me stands... It probably was something much greater that he wanted for me, but like I said I screwed it up. I stepped outside the lines, outside the bounds.

 

[visionary]

Have you moved out yet?

 

[Midnight26]

Nope!

 

[PaulOguns]

its better in my opinion to move out, he has become to comfortable and therefore there is no urgency to get married, he is already enjoying all the benefits of getting married without actually being married so he'll putting getting married off until you give him a reason to want to get married and have a sense of urgency about it, moving out might just be the catalyst to get that to happen

 

[visionary]

Have you left yet?

 

[The Nihilist]

its better in my opinion to move out, he has become to comfortable and therefore there is no urgency to get married, he is already enjoying all the benefits of getting married without actually being married so he'll putting getting married off until you give him a reason to want to get married and have a sense of urgency about it, moving out might just be the catalyst to get that to happen

OR he'll drop her in favor of someone who will put up with his crap. Ultimatums don't always work out that well.

 

[rita727]

Moved in with fiance. Lived with him 4 yrs now, he kept wanting to wait to set wedding date. I got pregnant. I know, I messed up, now I have a 1yr old who I totally and completely love.

We are still not married, and this is his parents house. I want to get my own apartment now, not too far from them, at least until we're married. I need my own space, my own kitchen, my own shower. I told him this. He says wait until "we" get our own place. I asked him if we could be married before we do that, and he got all shaky like he normally does and said well why should we do that first. took it as a breakup and is heartbroken. I told him several times that its not a break up i'm just tired of living in sin and having years of my life go by in the same house when we're not married. I really want to also experience having my own space for the first time in my life before i'm married. Is this a bad decision. He's now saying to tell him when i want to get married, but with all the horrible fights that we've been through, time and time again i'm really not sure anymore. Is this a good or bad idea for me to get my own place for a while? even if it's close by?

I'm 26, and feel like my life is now flying by me, and I am kind of feeling depressed and hopeless. I feel this will help me clear my mind.

I think it's a good choice, from the outside looking in. Not only to set moral boundaries, but this can help you grow as a couple. And personally, as well.

At 26, you're right: You deserve more than what you're getting. And when you can, you need to take the opportunity to get it. Not just for yourself and your mental health, lol, but also for your child

Why is he hesitating to help things progress?

 

[visionary]

OK... isn't it time to get out?

 

[TammyRae]

we would fight, it would get physical. I would go to work with bruises and have to lie to my boss and coworkers on how I got them.

I can't believe you would stay with a fiance with how badly he has treated you for years and then hurting you physically to the point of BRUISES?

Please think about moving out and getting your own apartment. He may actually respect you for standing up for yourself and leaving him. If he follows you and wants to stay together, you can set the terms for getting counseling and whether or not to get married yet. If he doesn't follow you, you are very lucky to know now that the relationship was damaging and a dead-end and you can move forward with finding a man who will value and love you like you deserve.