Made a mistake of moving in. Ok to move out?

[Midnight26]

Moved in with fiance. Lived with him 4 yrs now, he kept wanting to wait to set wedding date. I got pregnant. I know, I messed up, now I have a 1yr old who I totally and completely love.

We are still not married, and this is his parents house. I want to get my own apartment now, not too far from them, at least until we're married. I need my own space, my own kitchen, my own shower. I told him this. He says wait until "we" get our own place. I asked him if we could be married before we do that, and he got all shaky like he normally does and said well why should we do that first. took it as a breakup and is heartbroken. I told him several times that its not a break up i'm just tired of living in sin and having years of my life go by in the same house when we're not married. I really want to also experience having my own space for the first time in my life before i'm married. Is this a bad decision. He's now saying to tell him when i want to get married, but with all the horrible fights that we've been through, time and time again i'm really not sure anymore. Is this a good or bad idea for me to get my own place for a while? even if it's close by?

I'm 26, and feel like my life is now flying by me, and I am kind of feeling depressed and hopeless. I feel this will help me clear my mind.

 

[lizzygirl2051]

I think that you need to move out and try to figure everything out. If this is meant to happen then he will come around, but for right now you need to be on your own and figure things out.

 

[iambren]

Sounds good (last post)

Question: What would HE gain by marrying you and moving out?

 

[Midnight26]

Sounds good (last post)

Question: What would HE gain by marrying you and moving out?

What do you mean?

 

[lizzygirl2051]

I think what he means is that he already has you so by marrying you he's not really gaining anything and if he's comfortable at home he has no reason to leave. He has everything he could want at his parent's house and therefore has no incentive to marry you and move out.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I feel that in your circumstance, moving out will only harm your relationship. You both have a child together and with that comes responsibilities that a childless couple wouldn't have. To make matters worse, it sounds like you want to leave the kid there rather than take him/her with you so you can have that experience of living alone, which really isn't much of an option for you any longer, especially if you're looking to make your life more biblically correct.

The way you state this issue almost sounds like you're looking for a way out, not only from the house, but the relationship while trying to convince yourself that's not the case. You're trying to dodge responsibility and live the single life when the mistakes you made now prohibit that.

In your position, if the sin part is all you're bothered by the most, I would seriously consider a quick elopement with the stipulation to your fiance' that there needs to be changes which include you guys finding a new place to live. Go to the courthouse and get married, then start planning a ceremony for family and friends while you search for an apartment.

 

[Midnight26]

No i'm not planning to leave my daughter, by any means... I would like to take her with me. I just don't see us working out anymore, but thank you for your opinion.

 

[iambren]

Thank you Lizzygirl, that is what I meant.

A variant of "Why buy the cow if the milk's for free?"

 

[dayhiker]

My opinion is that your already married in God's eyes just not legal for the government. So I persponally don't see you as living in sin. But that over simplifies things I know.

But that does still leave you with a big problem. Sounds like your husband has got lazy and isn't willing to take the responsibility of providing for his family. Not just financially but also emotionally. You have some emotional needs and he's ignoring them. So the trick there is to find a way to get him into a mode of working to meet your needs. You can thick it thru to an answer yourself or start to get some counsel. Maybe your parents and kick you guys out!

dayhiker

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

My opinion is that your already married in God's eyes just not legal for the government. So I persponally don't see you as living in sin. But that over simplifies things I know.

Yah, I don't buy that for a New York Minute. God's law is to obey the government provided they don't go against his word. The law says you're not married till you sign papers. There is no accountability in two people saying, "Ok, we're together, we're married." Simply put, it's an excuse to become sexually involved without guilting yourself... that is, till you start having problems and end up calling it quits without the bureaucratic issues.

 

[DeathMagus]

You've got some serious cold feet. You tell him for four years that you don't want to set a wedding date. When you want to move out of the house, he suggests getting a place together (which makes sense, given that you have a child together and have been living together for 4 years now). You say that you want to be married first - but still don't want to make any plans for a wedding.

You're practically running for the hills, here. If you simply don't want the relationship with him, be upfront about that - he deserves at least the opportunity to talk it through with you.

Edit: Redacted - I misread the OP.

 

[Midnight26]

I feel that in your circumstance, moving out will only harm your relationship. You both have a child together and with that comes responsibilities that a childless couple wouldn't have. To make matters worse, it sounds like you want to leave the kid there rather than take him/her with you so you can have that experience of living alone, which really isn't much of an option for you any longer, especially if you're looking to make your life more biblically correct.

The way you state this issue almost sounds like you're looking for a way out, not only from the house, but the relationship while trying to convince yourself that's not the case. You're trying to dodge responsibility and live the single life when the mistakes you made now prohibit that.

In your position, if the sin part is all you're bothered by the most, I would seriously consider a quick elopement with the stipulation to your fiance' that there needs to be changes which include you guys finding a new place to live. Go to the courthouse and get married, then start planning a ceremony for family and friends while you search for an apartment.

Ok. While I do appreciate what you're trying to say here, the thing is that I cannot force him to marry me. Ask him? oh yeah, I've been doing that for almost 4 years now from at least two months after he proposed. And may I say in the least intimidating ways. Never trying to pressure him. I'd drop hints. But everything that I did he would get super upset and really stressed out, start shaking and tell me that alot of people don't get married right away. Not to rush into it. Really? then if I'm rushing why do I hear from people that after two years of being engaged if they're not married they should probably end the relationship?

If this guy does not want to marry me, which it's quite obvious that he doesn't... Then maybe i'm not the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Maybe a big part of it, but really when you think about it giving the cercumstances of our situation he may just need me there for personal reasons, or that he doesn't want to be "alone". And shockingly enough? he's recently admitted that when he met me, he was lonely. so maybe he has love for me, yes, but Isn't it possible that I'm just not the "one" for him?

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

And with children come responsibilities. It was something he should have considered before you two started having sex whether or not he was ready for that kind of commitment because of what can happen, which did happen, and now you are both forced to take on the extra responsibility of raising a child because it's no longer about you or what you want, it's about what is best for the kid.

Bottom line, you both need to sit down and talk something out and quit wasting time. If he can't handle even sitting down and discussing the matter, then he needs some professional counseling to help reduce the stress in his life. However, you both need to figure out where you each stand in this situation because the longer you guys continue to put it off, the older the kid is going to get, and eventually he/she will get to an age where it will start psychologically effecting them.

I also think there is more to this one sided story than we are hearing, so no one can really give any good advice other than on what we've been told, but I tend to think that isn't all that is going on here.

 

[Midnight26]

And with children come responsibilities. It was something he should have considered before you two started having sex whether or not he was ready for that kind of commitment because of what can happen, which did happen, and now you are both forced to take on the extra responsibility of raising a child because it's no longer about you or what you want, it's about what is best for the kid.

Bottom line, you both need to sit down and talk something out and quit wasting time. If he can't handle even sitting down and discussing the matter, then he needs some professional counseling to help reduce the stress in his life. However, you both need to figure out where you each stand in this situation because the longer you guys continue to put it off, the older the kid is going to get, and eventually he/she will get to an age where it will start psychologically effecting them.

I also think there is more to this one sided story than we are hearing, so no one can really give any good advice other than on what we've been told, but I tend to think that isn't all that is going on here.

Yes, as a matter of fact, there is a whole lot more to this story than what i've told so far. But I can only give one side of it of course. And I can't fit it all into one post, because it alone would take up many pages and I most likely get few to no answers because it would be too much for anyone to read.

God bless you by the way. But with all due respect, I feel that maybe you probably could never understand what I'm going through and what I have been through, and I don't believe that would change no matter what I post on here. Maybe you haven't been through anything similar as to what I have. Sure you could have seen things that may seem to you as similar but this is an individual talking here, and I Strongly believe that every situation is different. But thank you anyways for taking the time.

 

[Midnight26]

It's ok DeathMagus

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

God bless you by the way. But with all due respect, I feel that maybe you probably could never understand what I'm going through and what I have been through, and I don't believe that would change no matter what I post on here. Maybe you haven't been through anything similar as to what I have. Sure you could have seen things that may seem to you as similar but this is an individual talking here, and I Strongly believe that every situation is different. But thank you anyways for taking the time.

You don't need to go through something to know how to make a wise decision about dealing with a situation or understand a situation someone is in. I more often than not find that to be a cheap excuse to avoid advice given that someone may not want to take or agree with, whether it's correct or not. But eh, to each their own. It's obvious that I'm wasting my time here, so I bid you good luck.

 

[dayhiker]

Midnight,
Have you guys every got any counseling on how to communicate better? I'm thinking that's a skill that would help both of you.
Arguing will likely take the fun out of your relationship and lead to it ending.

How well do you understand what he wants out of life? Are you do focused on the daily life that your missing what he wants to do with his life. If he saw you as being able to help him accomplish something important to him, he might be excited and evolved. Any thoughts?

dayhiker

 

[Midnight26]

Thank you.. I will give it another try.

 

[twins15]

I think it is always better to get out of living in sin, even if it is tough, even if you are used to it, and even if your partner doesn't like it. It is never too long to correct a wrong, even if it will be harder in the short-term. Despite what some might say, you are not married, and living together before that happens does not make things better, even if that is how things have been. As CS Lewis wrote in Mere Christianity:

"But progress means getting nearer to the place where you want to be. And if you have taken a wrong turning, then to go forward does not get you any nearer. If you are on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; and in that case the man that turns back soonest is the most progressive man."

Good luck!
I will say a prayer for you. Please keep us updated on what happens with your situation.

 

[Midnight26]

Recap: I had "the talk" with him again without marriage. He tells me he thinks it's a better idea to wait until our daughter is at least 3yrs old (she's 1 now), before we get married so that she can see the wedding. Should I?