Lack of Confidence, Women, and Looks (Advice Please)

[Saucy]

Hey everyone!
So, I could use some advice. As some of you know, I've recently made many positive changes in my life. I've worked on myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. I lost 250 pounds and am now working full-time, going to college, and working at my church as a pastoral intern. I certainly have a lot going on, but the one thing I'm missing is love in my life. I've had several people encouraging me to put myself out there, but I guess I still struggle with that.

I don't have a lot of self-confidence in myself. While I have come a long way, I'm still not what you would consider "in shape" and have about another 150 pounds to lose, which I'm working on. But I just can't seem to shake this idea that women still don't find me attractive, so why bother? But people are telling me that women don't care as much about looks as guys do. They say I'm a great guy, kind, generous, funny, etc, so those are things they would see in me and find me attractive even if I wasn't at my goal weight yet.

The problem with this is that "putting myself out there" basically means trying dating sites like Christian Mingle. There's no one my age at my church. In my opinion, dating apps are all about the looks. You just swipe until you find a pretty face, THEN you decide to read their profile and get to know them.

I understand how this lack of confidence might seem like a red flag, but it has more to do with a lack of experience with relationships, being shy, and always being rejected in the past. I don't think I'm totally ugly or anything, but I'm not sure how to get over this hump and feel confident in myself. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks so much!

 

[bèlla]

You're dealing with circumstances many haven't faced and are best addressed by others in a similar situation. They'll understand the changes you're experiencing and how the physical and emotional changes play a part. While the others are well meaning it's unlikely they realize the ramifications of losing 400 pounds and what you'll face afterward. That's a completely different person and the body doesn't bounce back automatically. It wouldn't be odd if you have concerns if corrective procedures aren't on the horizon.

SparkPeople was popular in the past and similar sites exist. I think you'll feel less disheartened and confident if you hear how others are handling the same. There's nothing wrong with you and you should expect an adjustment period and give yourself grace as your mind and emotions catch up.

Having said that, your attractiveness shouldn't depend on the opposite sex. You should be able to find positive qualities about yourself inside and out. Whether they're ideal or not. It shouldn't be wholly reliant on a number or outside opinion. Nor should you ignore the trouble spots that require attention. That's a balanced approach.

If you cannot see your value you're depending on others to find it and that isn't wise or biblical. Start affirming your specialness everyday. All of it. And stop placing yourself in a box appearance wise. Beauty is more than skin deep.

~bella

 

[DragonFox91]

Confidence has to come from God thru Christ Jesus. You can’t fake it because many times you are just saying what you expect people to hear or expect you to act. You’re putting on an act! You're lying & your spirit knows it so causes not confidence, but the opposite. You’re doing what you don’t really believe & are living a contradiction. & you can’t just ‘be confident’ because your current state rejects it.
Could you be possibly meeting the wrong kind of women? I find it easier to be confident with other Christians.

I would ditch dating sites. I think it’s just trying to rush a process that’s meant to take time. I heard this once & it really jumped out to me: “go deeper, not wider.” Let your light shine all the more in the relationships you already have. You’re probably not living up to your full potential, & think it’s a numbers game, a ‘meet as many people as possible’, when that’s not the case at all if you are in Christ & God’s will for you. Are there believers you’ve discussed your concern with (not online)?
But some Christians do meet them thru dating sites, it just seems wrong to me, it may be right for you, but is there harm in following my 2 cents regardless?

Continue working on losing weight. Not because it’s attractive to women, although that is a reason & it’s a good reason because you want to be the best for her – t’s okay for her to have physical desires that & you to try to meet them – but because it’s good for the body. God did not create us to lounge around. He did not place us in physical bodies for us to be so stagnant! If God blessed you with a healthy body, it’s wrong to not use it to its full potential & for his glory.

 

[TheLastGeek]

Hey everyone!
So, I could use some advice. As some of you know, I've recently made many positive changes in my life. I've worked on myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. I lost 250 pounds and am now working full-time, going to college, and working at my church as a pastoral intern. I certainly have a lot going on, but the one thing I'm missing is love in my life. I've had several people encouraging me to put myself out there, but I guess I still struggle with that.

I don't have a lot of self-confidence in myself. While I have come a long way, I'm still not what you would consider "in shape" and have about another 150 pounds to lose, which I'm working on. But I just can't seem to shake this idea that women still don't find me attractive, so why bother? But people are telling me that women don't care as much about looks as guys do. They say I'm a great guy, kind, generous, funny, etc, so those are things they would see in me and find me attractive even if I wasn't at my goal weight yet.

The problem with this is that "putting myself out there" basically means trying dating sites like Christian Mingle. There's no one my age at my church. In my opinion, dating apps are all about the looks. You just swipe until you find a pretty face, THEN you decide to read their profile and get to know them.

I understand how this lack of confidence might seem like a red flag, but it has more to do with a lack of experience with relationships, being shy, and always being rejected in the past. I don't think I'm totally ugly or anything, but I'm not sure how to get over this hump and feel confident in myself. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks so much!

A woman who will be a good fit for YOU - the individual, Mr. Sauce Himself - will be attracted to you as you are. This is a really hard thing for us to accept and believe in our vapid, shallow, youth/beauty-obsessed culture. But it's simply the truth. As a woman, I can tell you that you aren't ugly. That doesn't mean that some women - women who are NOT meant for Mr. Sauce - may find you unattractive. So what? Let them. They aren't the ones for you. Rejection is part of the deal in this brief, harsh thing we call Life. But you can, and should, remind yourself frequently that a woman who would be good for Mr. Sauce, will not think Mr. Sauce is ugly or unappealing. This seems like the most simple, basic, glaringly obvious thing to say, but how much do we all struggle with it?! "People think I'm ugly" - then why on earth would you want to be with them?! Wait and seek for the person who finds you WONDERFUL, both inside and out, including all those imperfections and flaws that bring the sting of insecurity. If you met a girl who you thought was cute and amazing, but she had some physical flaws, and she was a bit shy, and she'd been rejected in the past... would that put you off? Of course not. Nor will your insecurities put her off.

Finally, a HUGE (haha, pun semi-intended) congratulations on losing so much weight! That is a tremendous accomplishment of which you should be very proud! And in my humblest of opinions, you are a catch. You're hard working, you're kind, you're funny, you've got a big heart, you're busting your butt to better yourself. What more could anyone ask for?

Chin up, Saucy

 

[Saucy]

A woman who will be a good fit for YOU - the individual, Mr. Sauce Himself - will be attracted to you as you are. This is a really hard thing for us to accept and believe in our vapid, shallow, youth/beauty-obsessed culture. But it's simply the truth. As a woman, I can tell you that you aren't ugly. That doesn't mean that some women - women who are NOT meant for Mr. Sauce - may find you unattractive. So what? Let them. They aren't the ones for you. Rejection is part of the deal in this brief, harsh thing we call Life. But you can, and should, remind yourself frequently that a woman who would be good for Mr. Sauce, will not think Mr. Sauce is ugly or unappealing. This seems like the most simple, basic, glaringly obvious thing to say, but how much do we all struggle with it?! "People think I'm ugly" - then why on earth would you want to be with them?! Wait and seek for the person who finds you WONDERFUL, both inside and out, including all those imperfections and flaws that bring the sting of insecurity. If you met a girl who you thought was cute and amazing, but she had some physical flaws, and she was a bit shy, and she'd been rejected in the past... would that put you off? Of course not. Nor will your insecurities put her off.

Finally, a HUGE (haha, pun semi-intended) congratulations on losing so much weight! That is a tremendous accomplishment of which you should be very proud! And in my humblest of opinions, you are a catch. You're hard working, you're kind, you're funny, you've got a big heart, you're busting your butt to better yourself. What more could anyone ask for?

Chin up, Saucy

Are you admitting you want to marry me?

 

[Plenipotent]

I'm in agreement with the sentiments expressed by others here: Center your attention on your personal growth. Dedicate yourself to nurturing your well-being, both through self-improvement and your spiritual connection with God. This, I believe, will not only nurture the confidence you seek but will also magnetize a woman who truly holds value in your life.

The problem with this is that "putting myself out there" basically means trying dating sites like Christian Mingle.

Understanding the significance of connecting with a Christian partner, I'd like to offer an additional piece of advice. In your quest, consider the possibility that numerous women, each from different congregations, might be present in your vicinity, yet still remain outside your immediate circle. While the online route serves as a viable option, it's worth considering other avenues if time permits. You seem like a busy fella, so it might not be plausible, but exploring in-person opportunities can be fruitful.

Look into local volunteering prospects, seek out Christian gatherings happening nearby, and engage in interactions within groups who share your hobbies and interests. Fostering connections with others who share your passions is a great way to expand your circle of acquaintances. Cultivate genuine relationships. I think it's important to underline that the motivation behind doing these things should extend beyond the sole purpose of finding a partner. I think you should engage in these activities because they align with your personal interests and values. Oftentimes, involving yourself in activities you genuinely enjoy can organically expand your social circle, providing opportunities to forge connections with new individuals.

Who knows, maybe a friend you meet within a group of your preferred hobby just happens to know a great gal they'd like you to meet?

Are you admitting you want to marry me?

Oooooooooooooo...

 

[TheLastGeek]

Are you admitting you want to marry me?

 

[LadyOfMystery]

I think looks always matter. I think you must find -something- physically attractive about someone. Thankfully it can just be the way their cheeks dimple when they smile, or the way they roll their eyes, or that cute thing they do with their nose. Attractiveness comes in many shapes and forms and is different for everyone. Self worth is a big one. A guy doesn't have to be all "I loveeee myself" but when he's like "I'm good at this one thing", it's definitely something that catches my eye. I can't force a guy to feel like he deserves me, if he doesn't feel he deserves me and doesn't change that about himself, there's nothing I can do about that and I think that's where frustration sometimes sets in for people. So working on "I deserve to have a mate" "I deserve to be happy with this person" is something to continuously work toward.
Lastly, think outside the box when it comes to meeting someone. Join facebook groups in your area. Since the pandemic there are a lot of groups made specifically for people to hang out, go bowling, go on hikes, etc etc. It's not necessarily to date, but it's just to meet new people and that's all it takes really to hit it off with someone. Try out a new hobby that puts you in social settings.
I can't really give any advice about the shy thing. I've become increasingly introverted and I thank God (seriously) for the internet or else I'd never meet new people.

 

[peaceful-forest]

Saucy, I understand where you are coming from. I have a weight problem myself. Guys usually don't find me physically attractive. And I'm turned off by dating websites.

Have you ever asked God to find you a woman?

 

[Saucy]

I greatly appreciate all the replies here. You've all helped me see this from a bigger-picture perspective and not just focus on my loneliness. Thank you all!

 

[returntosender]

Hey everyone!
So, I could use some advice. As some of you know, I've recently made many positive changes in my life. I've worked on myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. I lost 250 pounds and am now working full-time, going to college, and working at my church as a pastoral intern. I certainly have a lot going on, but the one thing I'm missing is love in my life. I've had several people encouraging me to put myself out there, but I guess I still struggle with that.

I don't have a lot of self-confidence in myself. While I have come a long way, I'm still not what you would consider "in shape" and have about another 150 pounds to lose, which I'm working on. But I just can't seem to shake this idea that women still don't find me attractive, so why bother? But people are telling me that women don't care as much about looks as guys do. They say I'm a great guy, kind, generous, funny, etc, so those are things they would see in me and find me attractive even if I wasn't at my goal weight yet.

The problem with this is that "putting myself out there" basically means trying dating sites like Christian Mingle. There's no one my age at my church. In my opinion, dating apps are all about the looks. You just swipe until you find a pretty face, THEN you decide to read their profile and get to know them.

I understand how this lack of confidence might seem like a red flag, but it has more to do with a lack of experience with relationships, being shy, and always being rejected in the past. I don't think I'm totally ugly or anything, but I'm not sure how to get over this hump and feel confident in myself. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks so much!

There used to be a weight group, there still might be i just can't remember the name of it. They met like AA members. All working on the same thing. Much in common and meeting people with like interests. I'm sure their thoughts were a possible friendship or more in the deal. Weight was one of the words in the name and it was national. I think it's perfect for your needs. I think it also was used to build character. I will try to find the name for you.
Congratulations for all you've accomplished, weight loss no easy task.
God bless you and guide you in your endeavors.

 

[returntosender]

Over eaters anonymous was the one i was thinking of. there's also tops. Many are listed under weight loss groups.

 

[Divide]

Hey everyone!
So, I could use some advice. As some of you know, I've recently made many positive changes in my life. I've worked on myself mentally, physically, and emotionally. I lost 250 pounds and am now working full-time, going to college, and working at my church as a pastoral intern. I certainly have a lot going on, but the one thing I'm missing is love in my life. I've had several people encouraging me to put myself out there, but I guess I still struggle with that.

I don't have a lot of self-confidence in myself. While I have come a long way, I'm still not what you would consider "in shape" and have about another 150 pounds to lose, which I'm working on. But I just can't seem to shake this idea that women still don't find me attractive, so why bother? But people are telling me that women don't care as much about looks as guys do. They say I'm a great guy, kind, generous, funny, etc, so those are things they would see in me and find me attractive even if I wasn't at my goal weight yet.

The problem with this is that "putting myself out there" basically means trying dating sites like Christian Mingle. There's no one my age at my church. In my opinion, dating apps are all about the looks. You just swipe until you find a pretty face, THEN you decide to read their profile and get to know them.

I understand how this lack of confidence might seem like a red flag, but it has more to do with a lack of experience with relationships, being shy, and always being rejected in the past. I don't think I'm totally ugly or anything, but I'm not sure how to get over this hump and feel confident in myself. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks so much!

I think you should be patient and pray about it to God. When it is the Lord's time for you to take a lady to wife for yourself...she will come to you!

Ok I'm being a wee bit facetious but what I mean is, you don't have to go looking for her. That is a guarenteed way to meet the wrong girls.

Every single time that I ever met a decent girl that was wife material it was by accident when I was out and about doing other things. That's how I met my wife. Married 26 years. When I was a promiscuous youth I would go out to pick up girls. And that's easy, perhaps too easy. But wife material were none of them. Keep praying about it and keep your eyes open.

And one more thing. All that stuff that is in the world about holding girls up as the special commoddity of sorts, is a all hollywood lies. Men are the special commodiities. Man is God's greatest cretion. Woman is good, but she is not more special than man. What's that mean? I'm glad you asked, lol. It means, don't be afraid to sy no to a woman.

It is not good for man to be alone, I will make a helper for him is what scripture says. A helper, not a leader! Us men know we need women. But women know that they really do need us more.

 

[TheLastGeek]

I think looks always matter. I think you must find -something- physically attractive about someone. Thankfully it can just be the way their cheeks dimple when they smile, or the way they roll their eyes, or that cute thing they do with their nose. Attractiveness comes in many shapes and forms and is different for everyone. Self worth is a big one. A guy doesn't have to be all "I loveeee myself" but when he's like "I'm good at this one thing", it's definitely something that catches my eye. I can't force a guy to feel like he deserves me, if he doesn't feel he deserves me and doesn't change that about himself, there's nothing I can do about that and I think that's where frustration sometimes sets in for people. So working on "I deserve to have a mate" "I deserve to be happy with this person" is something to continuously work toward.
Lastly, think outside the box when it comes to meeting someone. Join facebook groups in your area. Since the pandemic there are a lot of groups made specifically for people to hang out, go bowling, go on hikes, etc etc. It's not necessarily to date, but it's just to meet new people and that's all it takes really to hit it off with someone. Try out a new hobby that puts you in social settings.
I can't really give any advice about the shy thing. I've become increasingly introverted and I thank God (seriously) for the internet or else I'd never meet new people.

This is a great post.

 

[Tranquil Bondservant]

This is a great post.

It's really not. It's completely and utterly worldly advice that only strengthens Saucy's insecurities (that we all face to some extent) by furthering the attitude of basing his value on appearance. That thing that's completely and utterly worthless.

"let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious" -1 Peter 3:4
"beauty is vain"-Proverbs 31:30

Saucy we're all going to end up old and wrinkly and if a persons looks doesn't matter 500 years from now then they don't matter now. Congratulations on entering ministry, congratulations on losing the weight. Both of these things are monumental but the latter serves the former. Your Father loves you independent of your appearance or external circumstance and if you do your best to do the some for others you will find a partner because you won't be basing their value on things that will become dust. Keep praying and always remember that our God wasn't lying when He said "Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and thrown into the sea,’ and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him.".

 

[TheLastGeek]

It's really not. It's completely and utterly worldly advice that only strengthens Saucy's insecurities (that we all face to some extent) by furthering the attitude of basing his value on appearance. That thing that's completely and utterly worthless.

That's not what I got out of it at all. LadyOfMystery did not imply that Saucy's value lies entirely in his physical appearance. The opposite, actually. To say that romantic attraction has NO basis in a person's appearance is just...false. It's not vapid or shallow to say that a person should find their partner physically appealing. That's just... normal. We can love and appreciate and value a person beyond their appearance, while still admiring things about their appearance. I'm honestly very confused by your post.

 

[Tranquil Bondservant]

That's not what I got out of it at all. LadyOfMystery did not imply that Saucy's value lies entirely in his physical appearance. The opposite, actually. To say that romantic attraction has NO basis in a person's appearance is just...false. It's not vapid or shallow to say that a person should find their partner physically appealing. That's just... normal. We can love and appreciate and value a person beyond their appearance, while still admiring things about their appearance. I'm honestly very confused by your post.

"I think looks always matter. I think you must find -something- physically attractive about someone" rules out the disabled, rules out anything you determine to be ugly based on notions corrupted by the flesh. You don't realise what you're saying and it breaks my heart. Your God does not care about your appearance, if love was conditional we'd all be stuffed. We're to love each other as Christ loves us not based on what the world determines to be beautiful at this current time. The only condition placed upon yoking ourselves is if they're in Christ or not.

 

[TheLastGeek]

"I think looks always matter. I think you must find -something- physically attractive about someone" rules out the disabled, rules out anything you determine to be ugly based on notions corrupted by the flesh. You don't realise what you're saying and it breaks my heart. Your God does not care about your appearance, if love was conditional we'd all be stuffed. We're to love each other as Christ loves us not based on what the world determines to be beautiful at this current time. The only condition placed upon yoking ourselves is if they're in Christ or not.

No, it doesn't rule out the disabled. How are you inferring that? "You must find something physically attractive about someone" - where do you see "all disabled people are unattractive by default" in that statement?

Are you suggesting that Christians should seek out spouses that they find ugly?

 

[Tranquil Bondservant]

No, it doesn't rule out the disabled. How are you inferring that? "You must find something physically attractive about someone" - where do you see "all disabled people are unattractive by default" in that statement?

Are you suggesting that Christians should seek out spouses that they find ugly?

I'm saying that physical attraction is worthless and love is more than what you find attractive. The soul matters more than the body that it is united with and you know that too

 

[TheLastGeek]

I'm saying that physical attraction is worthless and love is more than what you find attractive. The soul matters more than the body that it is united with and you know that too

God created beauty. It is not 'worthless'. It should not be the sole or reigning factor in what draws us, or keeps us, with a spouse. But it is not wicked, sinful, bad, etc, to desire, appreciate, and enjoy the beauty of one's beloved. God gives us all things to enjoy. Beware of slipping into a type of false piety, where natural desires are incorrectly labeled as evil because it makes one feel morally superior. To say "the soul matters more than the body" is not saying that the body does not matter. It does not have to be one extreme or the other.