large family jokes
1. You know where the bathroom is in any major store you visit.
2. Your car has more seatbelts than windows.
3. Your grocery budget is higher than your house payment.
4. You do most of your thinking and praying in the bathroom.
5. Creative decorating means lots of bookshelves and bunkbeds.
6. You no longer carry a purse, but use the diaper bag instead.
7. Your idea of good commercial building design means a comfy mother’s lounge.
8. You constantly find yourself marveling how short the time is between birth and toddling, birth and schoolage, birth and graduation, etc.
9. Even your two year old knows that they must hold someone’s hand in the grocery store.
10. You have a routine for stopping pacifiers, toilet training, cup training, and every childhood “phase”.
11. You have at least three witty replies to “Are they all yours?”
12. You just really wish people would not think they were clever for saying, “Don’t you know what causes that?”
13. You have forgotten how many times you have been asked, “Are you Mormon or Catholic?”
14. You are still afraid to tell your husband how many more kids you want!
15. Your food storage takes up more room than your entire kitchen… And that is just for this week!
16. You have so much laundry that when you finally get to the bottom of the pile, it’s actually stuck to the floor!
17. You spend a lot of time at church in the foyer or mother’s lounge, wondering why you can’t just stay home and listen to the baby fuss there!
18. You spend more money on diapers each month than you do on entertainment!
19. You instantly sympathize with any woman who is obviously pregnant in the middle of summer.
20. You are up to double digits in years that you have spent with a baby attached to you in one way or another!
21. Taking the kids grocery shopping with you makes you feel like a mother duck.
22. You hate carpools because you know who is going to get stuck doing the driving.
23. When you see photos of castles and grand mansions, all you can think is how many bedrooms it has (YES!), and how much space all those other rooms provide for the kids to mess up (NO WAY!).
24. You know that every time you move the couch or couch cushions, you will find Cheerios under them…. Even if you have not had Cheerios in the house!
25. You know the “law of crumbs”. “Any food item that will crumble will produce twice its own weight in crumbs.”
26. You know by experience that paint NEVER dries until it has been spread around in all the places you did NOT want it to be.
27. You know what to use to remove lipstick, shortening, and indelible marker from any surface.
28. You know how to get smashed raisins out of a carpet, and how to get bubblegum out of hair, and so do all your older kids.
29. You are certain one of your kids is sneaking rolls of toilet paper out of the house and selling them because you know there is no way they could be using that much of it, even if there ARE a lot of bottoms in your house.
30. When you go to order fast food, you order 6 hamburgers, one with ketchup only, one plain, one with no pickles or onions, two with no pickles, onions or mustard, and one with nothing but cheese, plus one fish sandwich, one chicken sandwich, one large hamburger, and one large hamburger with bacon. You then have to repeat yourself three times so the person at the window can get it right.
31. When your kids are learning a foreign language, you wonder how it is that they can find the words to insult each other faster than they can find the words to say “I’m sorry.”
32. If two kids bring home identical toys from their kid’s meal, you know you have to put names on them first thing, or they will fight over whose is whose, even if both of them have one in their hand.
33. You spend a lot of time looking at the little kids, urging them on to the next step, while still wishing they could stay little just a bit longer.
34. You have a full baby book for your first two children, half of one for the next one, and nearly empty baby books or none at all for the later ones.
35. When the many-times-handed down clothing is finally too worn out to hand down again, you still have a hard time letting it go because it has so many good memories attached.
36. You don’t have a wardrobe of “fat clothes” and “skinny clothes”. You have “regular clothes”, “pregnant clothes”, and “nursing clothes”.
37. When a child outgrows something, you put it away in a box in the closet or garage, even if you don’t have a younger child of that gender, because you just know you are going to need it eventually!
38. Your idea of a great dining set is one that has lots of expansion leaves. When you see a corporate boardroom on TV, all you can think is what a great dining table the conference table would make.
39. You can list at least three different technological advances in diaper design which you, personally, have used on your kids.
40. You have at least one specialized medical skill because at least one of your kids has some kind of potentially risky condition which you deal with.
41. You sometimes wonder how it is that other moms get really nice gifts for holidays, and you end up with 6 pieces of cardboard with “I love you Mom your the best.” written on it in crooked writing. And you have a box in your closet that you put them in.
42. You cook dinner in pots large enough to bathe a baby in, and frequently lament over the insufficient size of convenience appliances like mixers, waffle irons, and crock pots – and you compromise by owning two of each.
43. Your car is large enough to hold the entire family, but if you go camping, you have to rent a trailer just to hold all the camping equipment.
44. You can’t believe with the size of the larger RVs out there that they couldn’t fit more beds into at least ONE of them, and you really wish they’d design one with two bathrooms!
45. If you see a home design with a Master Retreat room, you think what a great nursery it would make.
46. You can quote entire pages from Dr. Seuss without having to pause to think about it, and can sing any number of Raffi or Disney songs from memory.
47. You can think of more than three great Christmas gifts for a child of any age… Because you always have a child close to the age in question!
48. You have at least one story stored up for each of your kids which is guaranteed to embarrass them if you recount it in public.
49. You know, and are thankful, that when they get too old to send to their rooms, that possession of the car keys gives you the ultimate power!
50. When the first two kids move out, you can’t believe how much smaller your family feels.
51. You think that a mini-van is just too small to be a practical family car – but you wish they’d make a shopping cart about that size!
52. Getting the whole family to fit into the Wal-Mart photo booth, and then getting a picture when nobody is crying, making bunny ears, blinking, or sticking their finger in their nose is a major triumph!
53. Your stretchmarks might better be described as “pleats”. ( **** )
54. Your kids don’t need as many toys, because they always have someone to play with.
55. Other people dream of buying a Porche or other sports car, but all you can think is that it wouldn’t be good for anything because it is not cheap enough for your husband to commute in, and it doesn’t have enough seats for the family, and there’s no WAY you are going to let your teenager drive that!
