just kiddin'

ron4shua

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Good morning. I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems.

Please remember that I do not need your help. If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFJTD (something for Jesus to do) box. It will be addressed in MY TIME, not yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it or remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem.

If it is a situation that you think you are capable of handling, please consult me in prayer to be sure that it is the proper resolution.

Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Rest my child. If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away.


--Author Unknown--
 
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ron4shua

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IF JESUS CAME


Would you have to change your clothes before you let Him in?
Or hide some magazines and put the Bible where they'd been?
Would you hide your wordly music and put some hymn books out?
Could you let Jesus walk right in or would you rush about?

And I wonder... if the Savior spent a day or two with you
Would you go right on doing the things you always do?
Would you go right on saying the things you always say?
Would life for you continue as it does from day to day?

Would you take Jesus with you everywhere you go?
Or would you maybe change your plans for just a day or so?
Would you be glad to have Him meet your closest friends?
Or would you hope they stay away until His visit ends?

Would you be glad to have Him stay forever on and on?
Or would you sign with great relief when He at last was gone?
It might be interesting to know the things that you would do
If Jesus came in person to spend some time with you.


--Author Unknown--
 
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ron4shua

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OBITUARY OF SOMEONE ELSE

I know that all of you were saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our church's most valuable members -- Someone Else.

Someone's passing created a vacancy that will be difficult to fill. Else has been with us for many years, and for every one of those years, Someone did far more than the normal person's share of the work. Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person was looked to for inspiration as well as results. Someone Else can work with that group. Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend, one name was on everyone's lips, "Let Someone Else do it." It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the largest givers in the church. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed that Someone Else would make up the difference.

Someone Else was a wonderful person, sometimes appearing super-human, but a person can only do so much. Were the truth known, everyone expected too much of Someone Else. Now Someone Else is gone. We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did? Remember, we can't depend on Someone Else anymore.


--Author Unknown--
 
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ron4shua

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GOD SAID

I asked God to take away my pain.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
Her spirit was whole, her body was only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a by-product of tribulations; it isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness.
God said, No.
I give you blessings. Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own, but I will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said, No.
I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.

I asked God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said . . . Ahhhh, finally you have the idea.


--Author Unknown--
 
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ron4shua

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YOU AND THEM


If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.


You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

--Written by Mother Teresa--


 
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ron4shua

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****

THE HANDWRITING ON THE WALL


A weary mother returned from the store
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Awaiting her arrival was her eight-year-old son
Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done.

"While I was out playing and Dad was on a call
T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It's on the new paper you just hung in the den
I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again."

She let out a moan and furrowed her brow
"Where is your little brother right now?"
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride
She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide.

She called his full name as she entered his room
He trembled with fear -- he knew that meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved.

Lamenting all the work it would take to repair
She condemned his actions and total lack of care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!

She headed for the den to confirm her fears
When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears.
The message she read pierced her soul with a dart
It said, "I Love Mommy," surrounded by a heart.

Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it
With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall!!!--Author Unknown--

 
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ron4shua

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What if God couldn't take the time to bless us today because we couldn't take the time to thank him yesterday. . .

What if God decided to stop leading us tomorrow because we didn't follow him today. . .

What if God didn't walk with us today because we failed to recognize it as his day. . .

What if we never saw another flower bloom because we grumbled when God sent the rain. . .

What if God stopped loving and caring for us because we failed to love and care for others. . .

What if God took away the Bible tomorrow because we would not read it today. . .

What if God took away his message because we failed to listen to the messenger. . .

What if God didn't send his only begotten son because he wanted us to be prepared to pay the price for sin. . .

What if the door of the church was closed because we did not open the door to our heart. . .

What if God answered our prayers the way we answer his call to service. . .


--Author Unknown--
 
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ron4shua

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A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.

When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands. He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart, and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art." The young man held out his package. "I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this."

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. "Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift."

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home, he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection. On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. "We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?" There was silence. Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, "We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one." But the auctioneer persisted. "Will someone bid for this painting? Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?" Another voice shouted angrily, "We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!" But still the auctioneer continued, "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford. "We have $10, who will bid $20?" "Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters." "$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?" The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections. The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD FOR $10!"

A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now, let's get on with the collection!" The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over." "What about the paintings?" "I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings. The man who took the son gets everything!"

God gave his Son 2000 years ago to die on a cruel cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is, "The Son, the Son, who'll take the Son?" Because you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.


- AUTHOR UNKNOWN -
 
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visionary

Your God is my God... Ruth said, so say I.
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It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. "Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
 
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ron4shua

" ... each in our own order " , Hallelu-YAH .
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A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues. The little boy turned to the Marine and said, “Wow! Are you a Marine?”

The Marine replied, “Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?”

“Boy, would I!,” said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man — he was more than a man. He was an Airborne Ranger.

The little boy turned and went over to the soldier. As he approached him, he could see the reflection in his boots. His eyes widened as he stared up at the soldier’s chest full of medals and combat ribbons. He tried to speak, but he couldn’t. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, “Excuse me, Sir. Are you an Airborne Ranger?”

The Ranger replied with a thunderous voice, “Why yes, I am!! Would you like to shine my boots?”

The little boy smiled, and said, “Oh, no sir!! I’m not a Marine. I’m just wearing his hat
 
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Three Greeks, Costa, George and Niko as well as three Turks, Melik, Alican and Bora are travelling by train to a conference. At the station, the Turks each buy one ticket and watch as the Greeks buy only a single ticket. “How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks Melik. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers Costa. They all board the train. The Turks take their respective seats but all three Greeks cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Turks saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Turks decide to copy the Greeks on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Greeks don’t buy a ticket at all. “How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says Alican. “Watch and you’ll see,” answers Niko.

When they board the train the 3 Turks cram into a restroom and the 3 Greeks cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Greeks leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Turks are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
 
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ron4shua

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’! There’s no paper on this side either!”
 
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ron4shua

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Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. “Who is the creator of the universe?” Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!” The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?” Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!” The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?” Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it in your eye!
 
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ron4shua

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A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.” God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”
 
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ron4shua

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Three men are traveling on a ship, when they are accosted by the Devil. The Devil proposes that if each man drops something into the sea and he cannot find it, he will be that man’s slave. If the Devil does find it, however, he will eat that man up. The first man drops a pure, clear diamond, and immediately gets eaten. The second drops an expensive watch, trying to impress the Devil, and gets eaten. The third man fills a bottle with water and pours it into the sea yelling, “You think I’m a fool? Try finding that!”
 
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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.” So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?” “Blind man!” The nuns look at each other and one nun says, “He’s blind, so he can’t see. What could it hurt?” They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice breasts . Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
 
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ron4shua

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A man goes to a Psychologist and says, “Doc I got a real problem, I can’t stop thinking about sex.”
The Psychologist says, “Well let’s see what we can find out”, and pulls out his ink blots. “What is this a picture of?” he asks.
The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologist says, “very interesting,” and shows the next picture. “And what is this a picture of?”
The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, “What is this a picture of?”
The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologist states, “Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex.”
“Me!?” demands the patient. “You’re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!”
 
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!”
 
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A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him. The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: “That’s his problem.”

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?”
“Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it made a huge difference for me.”
“That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?”

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn’t remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, “What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s it!” He turned to his wife. . .”Rose, what was the name of that clinic?
 
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What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist “I hate my mother,” he will ask “Why do you say that?” while a psychologist will say “Thank you for sharing that with us.”
 
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