just kiddin'

[visionary]

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

 

[visionary]

The pastor was looking over the crèche the day after Christmas when he noticed that the baby Jesus was missing. He went outside and saw a little boy pulling a new red wagon. In the wagon was Jesus.

We walked up to the boy and said, "Hi, there. Where did you get the baby Jesus?"

The boy answered honestly, "In the church."

"Why did you take him?" the pastor asked.

"Well," said the boy, "I prayed to the Lord Jesus and asked him for a wagon for Christmas. I told Him that if He gave me one, I'd take Him for a ride in it."

 

[GuardianShua]

Have a nice day

 

[GuardianShua]

...

 

[anisavta]

T M I

 

[GuardianShua]

T M I

I will have to try and remember not to joke with you guys.

 

[visionary]

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from re-possessing the ranch they need to purchase a bull from a stockyard in a far-away town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?" The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly... com-for-da-bull."

 

[yedida]

good one!

 

[pat34lee]

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Chanukah cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Chanukah stamps?"


The clerk says, "What denomination?"


"Oh my God," the woman says, "has it come to this? Give me 6 Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."

 

[Avodat]

The old ones are the best. It used to be at Christmas with 16 x 2nd class stamps: 3 Baptist, 8 Pentecostal and 5 Methodist... but no Catholics this year.

 

[pat34lee]

A Jewish man passing through Texas for a few days on business checked into a rooming house in the Texas heartland. Not wanting to look too conspicuous, he dressed himself in western attire and went to the only saloon in town. He was surrounded by men in cowboy clothes, wearing six-shooters and looking very gruff. He ordered a beer.

While sipping his beer and trying to be as inconspicuous as possible, the biggest, burliest, toughest looking hulk of a man walks in and proclaims, "Ah hears there is a Jew in here!"

The Jewish man cringes and says nothing.
"Ah knows you're in here and you'd better speak up," says the Texan.

The Jewish man knows that sooner or later he would have to face up to him and accept the consequences of being Jewish, especially in a remote place as this.
He stands up proudly and says," I AM A JEW!"

The Texan stares at him angrily, "Now what the heck are you hiding for? Come with me, ah need you for a minyan."

 

[visionary]

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous yes.

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed..

Now, said the professor as the laughter subsided, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else-the small stuff.

If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued, there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, I am glad you asked. The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.

 

[pat34lee]

 

[visionary]

So that is why God made woman the weaker sex....

 

[Avodat]

...especially when he points out my bad English

 

[visionary]

...especially when he points out my bad English

lol... it must be found in the spoken language, as your written language is usually quite clear and concise.

 

[Avodat]

lol... it must be found in the spoken language, as your written language is usually quite clear and concise.

Thanks, but I was referring to the text in the picture you quoted.


It speaks of her beating her husband to death, to which I added "...especially when he points out my bad English" because the English in the picture is faulty!

 

[visionary]

Wife texts husband, on a cold winter`s morning:
"Windows frozen."

...Husband texts back:
"Pour some lukewarm water over it."
...
Wife texts back, 5 minutes later:
"Computer completely messed up now."

 

[visionary]

Customer: How do you prepare the chicken?

Waiter: Nothing special - we just flat out tell them they're going to die.

 

[visionary]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day, the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said. "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."