just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

A funeral service is being held in a chuch for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"

 

[ron4shua]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

 

[ron4shua]

Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"

 

[ron4shua]

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

 

[ron4shua]

Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," he called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked."
With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

 

[ron4shua]

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, "Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."
The man turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

 

[ron4shua]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?

 

[ron4shua]

Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."
The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord says, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
God says, "Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."
The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
And the French were not interested.
God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."
"Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

 

[ron4shua]

The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."

Another Sunday School teacher said to her children, "We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me what it is?" Tommy blurted out, "I know, Aces."

After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters.
One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

Lot again... A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

 

[ron4shua]

A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash and it's a bad one. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace."
The priest replies, "Oh, yes, I agree. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together."
"And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest.
The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.
"Aren't you going to have any? asks the priest.
"Not right now," says the rabbi. "I think I'll wait until after the police make their report."

 

[ron4shua]

Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"
"No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."
"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why?" asks the Lord.
"Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

 

[ron4shua]

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calles it a poem, and they give him $25."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $200."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect all the money!"

 

[ron4shua]

Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins
• Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.
• All singles are invited to join us Friday at 7 p.m. for the annula Christmas Sing-alone."
• Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
• The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" – come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7:00 p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
• The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
• Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
• This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 

[ron4shua]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

[ron4shua]

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts, I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

 

[ron4shua]

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years."

 

[ron4shua]

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

 

[ron4shua]

The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday moring service. Most of the people were very generous telling the new minister how much they liked his message, except for one man who said, "The was a very dull and boring sermon, pastor."
A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, "I don't think you did much preparation for your message."
Once again, the man appeared, this time muttering, "You really blew it. You didn't have a thing to say, pastor."
Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man.
"Oh, don't let that guy bother you," said the deacon. "He's a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying."

 

[ron4shua]

At the pearly gates, St. Peter greeted a minister and congressman and gave them their room assignments.
"Pastor, here are the keys to one of our nicest efficiency units. And for you, Mr. Congressman, the keys to our finest penthouse suite."
"This is unfair!" cried the minister.
"Listen," St. Peter said, "ministers are a dime a dozen up here, but this is the first congressman we've ever seen."

At the pearly gates again, a taxi driver and minister are waiting in line. St. Peter consults his list and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
St. Peter next greets the minister saying, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff while I get a cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says St. Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

 

[ron4shua]

Big Ed seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation.
The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Limburger cheese from a ziplock bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.
Groggily startled, Big Ed blurted out, "No, Helen, no—don't kiss me now."