just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

Mistaken Identity
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, when suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing and stopped, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After several hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.

 

[ron4shua]

Off The Hood
Two nuns were travelling through Europe in their car. They got to Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, a diminuative Dracula jumps onto the hood of their car and scratches the windshield!
"Quick, quick!" shouts the first nun, "What shall I do?"
"Turn on the winshield wipers, that will get rid of this abomination," shouts the second.
The nun switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and hisses at them loudly!
"What shall I do now?" shouts the first nun.
"Switch on the windshield washer, I filled it with Holy Water when we stopped in the Vatican!" says the second.
Draula steams as the water burns his skin, but somehow manages to hang on. He hisses at the nuns even louder now!
"Now what?" screams the first nun.
"Show him your cross!" replies the second.
So the first nun rolls down the window and shouts: "GET OFF MY HOOD YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!!"

 

[visionary]

A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial trouble.

Coincidentally, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles, but he had serious doubts about Louie. Louie was just a little local farmer who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louie stuttered very badly. But, not wanting to discourage poor Louie, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.

On the next Sunday, the reverend turned apprehensively to little Louie and said, “And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?”

Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.

“What is this?” the reverend exclaimed. “Louie, there’s $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church door-to-door in just one week?”

Louie just nodded.

“That’s impossible!” both Peter and Paul said in unison. “We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold ten times as many Bibles as we could.”

“Yes, this does seem unlikely,” the reverend agreed. “I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.”

Louie shrugged. “I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don’t kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,” he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. “For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!”

“A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,” Louis replied, “W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks—o-o-o-or—wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?”

 

[visionary]

Just saw my Muslim neighbor across the street, shaking this rug.. up and down,, up and down,,, up and down.. I hollered out to him, "What's up Abdul,, won't it start"????

 

[BelieveTheWord]

An old African priest had passed away, and was now approaching the pearly gates. Before he entered in, Saint Peter said, "I'm going to need to ask you a few questions first." The priest was a little hurt, but began answer to Saint Peter.
As he was speaking, Peter interrupted him, and told him to step aside. The priest turned to see an African bus driver, whom he recognized, approaching. Suddenly Peter flung the gates open and motioned him in with a smile.
Now the priest could not hold back. "There must be some mistake. I have devoted my life to the church from childhood. I know that man, and he does not even belong here, let alone entering before me."
"That may be true," Saint Peter said. "However many more people were praying for their souls because of him, than because of you!"

 

[visionary]

 

[visionary]

I was walking along the beach when I found this cool looking bottle. I pulled the cork and rubbed it then out popped this genie. I was totally amazed and asked if she could grant me three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
I did not hesitate. I said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, look buddy, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
Then I thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right woman. You know, one that's considerate and fun, charismatic, likes to cook and clean the house without complaining, is good in bed, and gets along with my family and friends,loves to watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good woman."
Genie "OK... let me see the map again."

 

[Hoshiyya]

Just saw my Muslim neighbor across the street, shaking this rug.. up and down,, up and down,,, up and down.. I hollered out to him, "What's up Abdul,, won't it start"????

Who is being made fun of here ?
The person speaking, or the neighbor ?
Is it making fun of people (in this case Muslims) who clean their carpets, or is it a play on the ignorance of the speaker (he thinks the other person is trying to make a flying carpet start) ?

And actually, the flying carpet motif is actually more Indian than Arabic, as I understand, but it is found in many cultures. Even Russia has the flying carpet motif in art and legend.

I hope the joke is a play on the ignorance of the speaker (that you are simply imitating), rather than actually making fun of Muslims.

 

[visionary]

Who is being made fun of here ?
The person speaking, or the neighbor ?
Is it making fun of people (in this case Muslims) who clean their carpets, or is it a play on the ignorance of the speaker (he thinks the other person is trying to make a flying carpet start) ?

And actually, the flying carpet motif is actually more Indian than Arabic, as I understand, but it is found in many cultures. Even Russia has the flying carpet motif in art and legend.

I hope the joke is a play on the ignorance of the speaker (that you are simply imitating), rather than actually making fun of Muslims.

or the analyst

 

[Hoshiyya]

or the analyst

Is the joke making fun of the analyst (me) ?
How so ?

Seems to me the joke is making fun of the Muslim, which would make it a crude and stupid joke, or making fun of the ignorance of the speaker, which makes it a joke on racists/islamophobes. Those are the only two characters in the story.

I wanted to give benefit of doubt, but maybe I was too generous... maybe it was literally just a joke making fun of Muslims.

Sacha B Cohen makes fun of racists by imitating them. (He is a Jew, but imitates anti-semites.) I was hoping that this is what you were doing. But, maybe I was wrong.

 

[Hoshiyya]

Might as well make fun of anyone who cleans their carpet, or you might as well make fun of Jews wearing the kippa (like Yeshua probably did), or Hindus with a red dot in the forehead.

Yeshua probably had to clean the carpet(s) in his house from time to time, come to think of it.

Imagine his neighbor coming out, while he's standing there, and saying to him "what'cha doing there, Yesh? Trying to get it to start? Haw haw haw."

Making crude and frankly ignorant (and culturally nonsensical / contradictory) jokes about Muslims (or others) does not elevate MJ or the MJ community. It doesn't sanctify us.

 

[pat34lee]

The one-wish genie joke is missing the punchline.

 

[visionary]

The one-wish genie joke is missing the punchline.

fixed

 

[ron4shua]

People should be happy !

 

[ron4shua]

I,m sorry but I have to post this .

 

[ron4shua]

 

[ron4shua]

 

[ron4shua]

 

[ron4shua]

 

[visionary]

There are some doozy bloopers...lol