I think I have an invisible wall up

[memoriesbymichelle]

Ok so I've been a widow for the last 5 years and have not dated anyone since my husband. My son (bless his heart) the other day was telling me that he thinks I need to get a boyfriend. I really am not for or against that, it's just that with my kids and church and my friends I already feel stretched and just don't think I could manage a relationship too. Unless of course I met someone that would change that. But I started thinking about it, because I explained to my son, that it wasn't that I was turning down dates, no one has asked me out. Well except one short little man that came to buy my son's captain's bed I was selling and had to tell me he split from his wife yada yada yada, and then he says "Hey...if you ever want to go out to dinner or something you can call me....you have my number" . First, he was definitely NOT my type, plus I thought is THIS the way guys ask women out nowadays "you have my number so you can call ME?" LOL anyways other than THAT no one has asked me out. I also have not been anywhere, where there have been men my age that would ask me out. But besides that, I started thinking about it and I thought, ya know, I probably am putting up some defenses that I am not even aware of. What do you think? Do we put up invisible walls? And even though I recognize that, how would I change that, when I am not even aware I am doing it? IDK I was just thnking out loud.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Wow! Ten views and 0 replies. Maybe I should ask someone that cares, huh? Or maybe I AM invisible, hahahahahahaha!

 

[JohnDB]

You ain't invisible...LOL

It is about getting to know single guys (who are rare at church to begin with) and having a friendship with them. Then...once you are friends you can gently begin to flirt wiith them. That will get you dates.

Us older guys aren't interested in the same things as the younger ones are. We aren't looking to prove anything...impress anyone...or so all consumed with physical intimacy as we once were.

We want an honest and real friendship and relationship. To have a friend is to be a friend. Noticing a person's wants, desires, needs, and frustrations goes a long way towards that goal of being a friend. Doing something about it will provide an instant frined.
We are men...we get task oriented and focused. But an attractive woman with sandwiches and hot coffee brought to me while working can get me to stop every time.
A dinner club also will get some real friends too.

All work and no fun makes Jane a dull girl.
All work and no play makes john a dull boy too.

Being all business all the time will not promote you ever having a real friendship/relationship with anyone....even your own children. That might be what your son was saying in a backhanded fashion.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

You ain't invisible...LOL

It is about getting to know single guys (who are rare at church to begin with) and having a friendship with them. Then...once you are friends you can gently begin to flirt wiith them. That will get you dates.

Us older guys aren't interested in the same things as the younger ones are. We aren't looking to prove anything...impress anyone...or so all consumed with physical intimacy as we once were.

We want an honest and real friendship and relationship. To have a friend is to be a friend. Noticing a person's wants, desires, needs, and frustrations goes a long way towards that goal of being a friend. Doing something about it will provide an instant frined.
We are men...we get task oriented and focused. But an attractive woman with sandwiches and hot coffee brought to me while working can get me to stop every time.
A dinner club also will get some real friends too.

All work and no fun makes Jane a dull girl.
All work and no play makes john a dull boy too.

Being all business all the time will not promote you ever having a real friendship/relationship with anyone....even your own children. That might be what your son was saying in a backhanded fashion.

Well if I only got one response yours was very good indeed! Thank you for that. The only part I'm confused about is the last part BBM. Do you mean my son thinks I should get out more or something? And I agree with everything you said, it's just that....well I am a friend to those around me but they are all married (and I'm not talking about inappropriate friendships either lol) and my brother-in-law that is divorced, single, and struggling. I don't know what a "dinner club" is either lol. But I really appreciate everything you said, but I would need to be around some single guys (which is rare at church as you said) to be able to be a friend to them. Plus, when I was younger, guys were either friends or more, so I guess that's different. Before when I was younger it was a choice. Either you were "friends" or you tried for more, but if you started out as friends, it usually stayed there in friendship zone never escalating to a more intimate relationship. Anyway your advice is very helpful.

 

[JohnDB]

Let me try again.

Us "older" guys want a friend first. We ain't so trusting that our talents at physical intimacy will keep a woman around or keep her from driving us nuts and away from the tasks we want to accomplish.

Flirting and able to have fun is key to getting a guys attention. Keeping it really subtle is also going to be a must. This is a bit of a different ballgame but the players are still the same. It can get into a childish sort of thing at some point but...at first real maturity is going to be crucial...so is discretion.

The single men in your life don't think that you are interested in dating simply because you hang out with so many married people that they believe you ain't interested. You have to hang out with the singles in order to find a few men. (for some reason they don't seem to want to hang out at church...although a few do)

I know a guy now that is approximately your age that hangs out at church. He loves the children and to him they are the highlight of his week as he gets to play with all of them. He has a bag of tootsie rolls just for all of the kids. He is real respectful and kind and nice to everyone. If any woman was to actually flirt with him in a real subtle way....it definately would be well recieved. Crass flirts with him would be absolutely dismissed. The woman that finally lands him is gonna get a real prize indeed.
But to land him is going to take a real relationship of first friendship and then subtle flirting. Nothing else is gonna work with Richard.

And FYI...being pleasant isn't the same as being fun. Listening intently to a guy's conversation with you can be a good flirt...especially if you can pick up some of the subtleties of the conversation you are having with him. Most of the conversation between two individuals face to face is not verbal. Body language, gestures, and facial expressions all play a big role.

"How are you doing?" can be said in a vast array of tones, inflections, and body languages that can be dismissed as a passing greeting to being a such outrageous and obnoxious flirt that you will feel the need to slap a guy...and it can work both directions.

 

[ido]

Ok so I've been a widow for the last 5 years and have not dated anyone since my husband. My son (bless his heart) the other day was telling me that he thinks I need to get a boyfriend. I really am not for or against that, it's just that with my kids and church and my friends I already feel stretched and just don't think I could manage a relationship too. Unless of course I met someone that would change that. But I started thinking about it, because I explained to my son, that it wasn't that I was turning down dates, no one has asked me out. Well except one short little man that came to buy my son's captain's bed I was selling and had to tell me he split from his wife yada yada yada, and then he says "Hey...if you ever want to go out to dinner or something you can call me....you have my number" . First, he was definitely NOT my type, plus I thought is THIS the way guys ask women out nowadays "you have my number so you can call ME?" LOL anyways other than THAT no one has asked me out. I also have not been anywhere, where there have been men my age that would ask me out. But besides that, I started thinking about it and I thought, ya know, I probably am putting up some defenses that I am not even aware of. What do you think? Do we put up invisible walls? And even though I recognize that, how would I change that, when I am not even aware I am doing it? IDK I was just thnking out loud.

You probably are, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It sounds like your life is pretty full and that you're open to the idea of dating but not really actively seeking it out.

When J and I first met, he told me that I put off a vibe of not wanting to be approached by just any guy. Neither one of us thought that was a bad thing. Why? Because the right person is going to try to get to know you regardless of what kind of vibe you're putting off. The only exception might be a "all men are evil and I hope they die!" vibe.

I'm not sure, but it would seem to me that maybe your son's comment was more his way of saying that he wants to see you happy and that part of that means he's OK with you moving on into a new relationship.

You're young and you have a lot of life left ahead of you. As long as you are open to entering into another relationship, then I'm sure it will happen when it's the right time for it to happen.

p.s. I don't think you're invisible, but this section isn't as active with members as it used to be, so it's possible that the people viewing the thread were either unregistered users or just didn't have any thoughts to contribute.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Let me try again.

Us "older" guys want a friend first. We ain't so trusting that our talents at physical intimacy will keep a woman around or keep her from driving us nuts and away from the tasks we want to accomplish.

Flirting and able to have fun is key to getting a guys attention. Keeping it really subtle is also going to be a must. This is a bit of a different ballgame but the players are still the same. It can get into a childish sort of thing at some point but...at first real maturity is going to be crucial...so is discretion.

The single men in your life don't think that you are interested in dating simply because you hang out with so many married people that they believe you ain't interested. You have to hang out with the singles in order to find a few men. (for some reason they don't seem to want to hang out at church...although a few do)

I know a guy now that is approximately your age that hangs out at church. He loves the children and to him they are the highlight of his week as he gets to play with all of them. He has a bag of tootsie rolls just for all of the kids. He is real respectful and kind and nice to everyone. If any woman was to actually flirt with him in a real subtle way....it definately would be well recieved. Crass flirts with him would be absolutely dismissed. The woman that finally lands him is gonna get a real prize indeed.
But to land him is going to take a real relationship of first friendship and then subtle flirting. Nothing else is gonna work with Richard.

And FYI...being pleasant isn't the same as being fun. Listening intently to a guy's conversation with you can be a good flirt...especially if you can pick up some of the subtleties of the conversation you are having with him. Most of the conversation between two individuals face to face is not verbal. Body language, gestures, and facial expressions all play a big role.

"How are you doing?" can be said in a vast array of tones, inflections, and body languages that can be dismissed as a passing greeting to being a such outrageous and obnoxious flirt that you will feel the need to slap a guy...and it can work both directions.

Wow! another incredibly well thought out post! Good advice too I might add. It's really helpful to hear things from a man's perspective. Thanks again.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

You probably are, but I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It sounds like your life is pretty full and that you're open to the idea of dating but not really actively seeking it out.

When J and I first met, he told me that I put off a vibe of not wanting to be approached by just any guy. Neither one of us thought that was a bad thing. Why? Because the right person is going to try to get to know you regardless of what kind of vibe you're putting off. The only exception might be a "all men are evil and I hope they die!" vibe.

I'm not sure, but it would seem to me that maybe your son's comment was more his way of saying that he wants to see you happy and that part of that means he's OK with you moving on into a new relationship.

You're young and you have a lot of life left ahead of you. As long as you are open to entering into another relationship, then I'm sure it will happen when it's the right time for it to happen.

p.s. I don't think you're invisible, but this section isn't as active with members as it used to be, so it's possible that the people viewing the thread were either unregistered users or just didn't have any thoughts to contribute.

Well OK, I gotcha. I know I am not putting out the "all men are evil and I hope they die" vibe lol. And you are right about my life being pretty full and contemplating the "thought" of dating. BTW I haven't been around all that much, but it looks like you got married? If so, congrats! And thanks for your comments. Sometimes even in the regular singles section, I start a thread and it gets a few measly comments and someone will start a silly thread and BAM it keeps going and going and going like the energizer bunny. Sometimes I wish that would happen to just one of my threads, but oh well...life goes on. And I posted in this section to get answers from people my age, cuz it's WAY different for the 20 something or 30 something crowd than the 50+'s. KWIM?

 

[dayhiker]

Hi MbM,
Good to see you around.
I don't know why your not getting asked out. But if I saw a woman who was too busy to date, I'd not ask her out. If she wasn't communicating to me that she wasn't to date, then I'd not try and interupt her life.
So I'd say you got to go where the singles are. Got to make freinds with the singles. There are a lot of singles out there from what I found. So you might want to think that your son is noticing a need he sees in you and you might want to considers not just waiting for a guy to pry his way into your life be you might want to start to make room for him not so there will be space when he comes.

dayhiker

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hi MbM,
Good to see you around.
I don't know why your not getting asked out. But if I saw a woman who was too busy to date, I'd not ask her out. If she wasn't communicating to me that she wasn't to date, then I'd not try and interupt her life.
So I'd say you got to go where the singles are. Got to make freinds with the singles. There are a lot of singles out there from what I found. So you might want to think that your son is noticing a need he sees in you and you might want to considers not just waiting for a guy to pry his way into your life be you might want to start to make room for him not so there will be space when he comes.

dayhiker

Hey dayhiker,
Thanks for the response. I had to laugh about the BBM part. That would be sad if a guy had to pry his way into my life, but seriously I don't think that's it, but I could be wrong. Now being around singles, hmmm that's gonna be tough. I don't hang out in bars, so I guess I will have to sign up for maybe a singles bible study or something IDK. That's the most identifiable reason that I'm not getting asked out, because I'm not around anyone single that even could ask me out lol. So it's not like there are guys that want to ask me out, that are like "no she's too busy" cuz there is no one around that would even know that. I'm still really scared of the whole dating thing and [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed that I am even in this situation at this stage of my life, but it was not my doing, or my choosing, but God's allowing, so....I still wish I could have a couple of practice dates with someone ha ha.

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, MbM, hanging out with singles will be a big step. I think you will find some big differences daying now from dating as a teen/twenty y/o. Some of the good things are we know more who we are. We do better at evaluating those we are on a date with. We have more experiences, more stories to tell to keep the conversation interesing, we can appreachiate what other people have been thru etc. Ya, there is still the fear of the unknown and dating myths can make those unknowns bigger than they are in real life.

When I got out dating 3 yrs ago I really enjoyed it.
dayhiker

Hey dayhiker,
Thanks for the response. I had to laugh about the BBM part. That would be sad if a guy had to pry his way into my life, but seriously I don't think that's it, but I could be wrong. Now being around singles, hmmm that's gonna be tough. I don't hang out in bars, so I guess I will have to sign up for maybe a singles bible study or something IDK. That's the most identifiable reason that I'm not getting asked out, because I'm not around anyone single that even could ask me out lol. So it's not like there are guys that want to ask me out, that are like "no she's too busy" cuz there is no one around that would even know that. I'm still really scared of the whole dating thing and [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed that I am even in this situation at this stage of my life, but it was not my doing, or my choosing, but God's allowing, so....I still wish I could have a couple of practice dates with someone ha ha.

 

[ido]

Well OK, I gotcha. I know I am not putting out the "all men are evil and I hope they die" vibe lol. And you are right about my life being pretty full and contemplating the "thought" of dating. BTW I haven't been around all that much, but it looks like you got married? If so, congrats! And thanks for your comments. Sometimes even in the regular singles section, I start a thread and it gets a few measly comments and someone will start a silly thread and BAM it keeps going and going and going like the energizer bunny. Sometimes I wish that would happen to just one of my threads, but oh well...life goes on. And I posted in this section to get answers from people my age, cuz it's WAY different for the 20 something or 30 something crowd than the 50+'s. KWIM?

I totally get what you mean. Honestly, I don't think many of the more thought-provoking type of threads get much traffic anywhere in Singles. People either don't want to touch the "heavy" subjects or, when they do, it ends up in an argument.

And yes - I did get married. Thanks for the congrats.

 

[dayhiker]

I'll add my congrats on your marriage as well.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I totally get what you mean. Honestly, I don't think many of the more thought-provoking type of threads get much traffic anywhere in Singles. People either don't want to touch the "heavy" subjects or, when they do, it ends up in an argument.

And yes - I did get married. Thanks for the congrats.

WOW! That's fantastic for you! I did get a message from you but the picture didn't come thru. It said something about the photobucket account being unused for over 90 days or something. So if it was a pic of you and hubby I'd still like to see it. It IS encouraging to see people on here that aren't forever single, that there is hope (even if some of us are scared to death ha ha). Anyway, I'm very happy for you, but I had no doubt that you would not be single forever. You seem to be very smart and articulate and know who you are and I'm sure your man sees this in you as well.

 

[Trg2folG]

Ok so I've been a widow for the last 5 years and have not dated anyone since my husband. My son (bless his heart) the other day was telling me that he thinks I need to get a boyfriend. I really am not for or against that, it's just that with my kids and church and my friends I already feel stretched and just don't think I could manage a relationship too. Unless of course I met someone that would change that. But I started thinking about it, because I explained to my son, that it wasn't that I was turning down dates, no one has asked me out. Well except one short little man that came to buy my son's captain's bed I was selling and had to tell me he split from his wife yada yada yada, and then he says "Hey...if you ever want to go out to dinner or something you can call me....you have my number" . First, he was definitely NOT my type, plus I thought is THIS the way guys ask women out nowadays "you have my number so you can call ME?" LOL anyways other than THAT no one has asked me out. I also have not been anywhere, where there have been men my age that would ask me out. But besides that, I started thinking about it and I thought, ya know, I probably am putting up some defenses that I am not even aware of. What do you think? Do we put up invisible walls? And even though I recognize that, how would I change that, when I am not even aware I am doing it? IDK I was just thnking out loud.

Hi Michelle Wow..I'm talking about this vary thing in another forum. Matter of fact my new years resolution was to tear down the walls I made 3 years ago. I have put myself in like an isolation mode. Thinking that it was just not worth it. And came right out and told women this. All the while not relizing what was really happening is that I was not trully forgiving my ex for leaving me for the guy next door. And yes they are still there. But really intrully heck I would'nt hurting nobody but myself. I miss waking up in the middle of night and having someone to comfort me. And going on road trips and camping and heck just going to the grocery store with someone other than myself. Just basically having someone to stand beside me and ....well heck with all the things going on in the world today .......well it's a gonna take a whole inaty so to speak I mean I think theres a reason that man does not feel whole untill he has a wife to share all of the ups and downs. Yah yah yah I said it and I dont care. Everybodys a allways telling me that I am honest to a fault. But ya know why should someone lie and pretend to be someone else when if they ever are together for any reason or just closier as friends or whatever. They will find out eventually. And besides I like being myself not having to pretend. As for as (how do I do it?) Your doing it now. And to me....well if I go though and reread this letter I will never send it. Couse...well Im not a choir boy and Im sure it would sound.....well.....wimpy but ..............well if I dont open up a little then what is the use is saying ya gonna do it ..just to put it off till next letter and next letter and next.......well Im sure ya see what Im saying. Anyways thats just one country boys opion.

 

[hope4today]

Hi Michelle,

That's a really tough one that I am struggling with too. And you have some great answers here.

I am content being single at the moment (to a point). I am still open to dating and a relationship but there doesn't seem to be any takers.

Sometimes I get frustrated with people telling me that they don't think I'll be single long because I have been alone for 5 years and not really any nibbles.

There are not many single guys around the church scene in my age group and personal fatih is very important to me.

I think I do the subtle flirting thing pretty well but you have to have the men to flirt with in the first place. There just aren't any around here that I know of.

Sometimes I also put it down to the fact that I am overweight by current standards although I am often told how beautiful I look when I'm out. I don't know.... I am just living my life in God the best I know how, trying to be open, but not placing my hopes in finding a man in my life.

I am trying to be as Paul when he said he was content with much and content with little etc etc.

So I guess I haven't offered anything in response to your question other than the knowledge that you are not alone in this. If either of us make any grand discoveries maybe we could share them with each other

Bless you heaps
Hope

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Are you living my life or what hope4today? lol I guess we are in this boat together. It's nice to know you're not alone though. I really am content though, for now or for however long the Lord sees fit. This weekend when contemplating this plight of mine, the thought came to me that maybe I should be content to be in love with the Lord for now, and then maybe in the future he would bless me with another mate and I am content to do that for sure!

 

[ido]

Thanks dayhiker!

WOW! That's fantastic for you! I did get a message from you but the picture didn't come thru. It said something about the photobucket account being unused for over 90 days or something. So if it was a pic of you and hubby I'd still like to see it. It IS encouraging to see people on here that aren't forever single, that there is hope (even if some of us are scared to death ha ha). Anyway, I'm very happy for you, but I had no doubt that you would not be single forever. You seem to be very smart and articulate and know who you are and I'm sure your man sees this in you as well.

I think it was a Christmas graphic.

Funny that you didn't see me as being single forever, I had pretty much resolved that I was going to be single at least until the boys were grown and gone just before I met my hubby.

And thank you for the sweet compliments. My husband's comments to me on our first date were actually how impressed he was with how smart/focused/driven I am and that the mancubs were my first priority when it came down to dividing my time for the demands in my life.

So, if there was hope for me, then there is definitely hope for you, too, b/c you seem equally awesome!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Funny that you didn't see me as being single forever, I had pretty much resolved that I was going to be single at least until the boys were grown and gone just before I met my hubby.

And thank you for the sweet compliments. My husband's comments to me on our first date were actually how impressed he was with how smart/focused/driven I am and that the mancubs were my first priority when it came down to dividing my time for the demands in my life.

So, if there was hope for me, then there is definitely hope for you, too, b/c you seem equally awesome!

Yay! There's hope for me! lol. And thank YOU for the compliments as well. My kids are older, so I kinda do see myself as single until they grow up, but of course that could change if someone fantastic steps into my sight ha ha. Single or not I can be happy either way (really I mean that)and in the mean time I will keep focused on my kids and gettin them raised right. So maybe my invisible wall will come down when they graduate lol. J/K

 

[FlatpickingJD]

. . . What do you think? Do we put up invisible walls? And even though I recognize that, how would I change that, when I am not even aware I am doing it? IDK I was just thnking out loud.

I think we all put up invisible walls inadvertently. My father's girlfriend told me once that I seem so self-sufficient that it's intimidating to people and causes them to not want to approach me.

It's a fine line we walk trying to break down our own walls: how much vulnerabilty do we want to show to others?

If you want to date, I've no doubt you could find someone pretty quickly. I don't have any great, novel ideas to find someone. Do you have married friends? Do they know other singles? I don't care for workplace romances, but do you have female friends at work who might know someone? Let people know you're available and interested and you'll probably soon be fighting off guys.