The pain I endured today after this happened was
. awful. I am worried I made a serious mistake. I just don't even know. Please read this, I need all the help I can get right now.
If you've been reading the forums you may have seen my other post about how I was worried God told me not to drive anymore as a punishment for potentially breaking a "vow" which I think was OCD. I ended up doing some research on how God punishes because of that and I guess also did some research on vows since those have been bothering me bad for I think over two years now. Some of my current OCD "vows" that have been affecting me long term are to not 1. Listen to music, 2. Drink alcohol, and 3. Consume caffeine, so things like coffee and chocolate. I think the last time I drank coffee regularly was before Thanksgiving 2013, the last time I listened to music regularly for a long period of time was back maybe in September/October of 2013, maybe earlier, and the last time I drank was in January of 2013 I think.
So I was reading some stuff about vows today while at work, and I read something that basically said that vows can be used to get access to/benefit from God's power (basically doing a bargain with God, where you say you'll do something, then God in return does something for you, hence benefitting from God's power). I also read something about how vows are one of the tools in a Christian's toolbox, I guess to be used for certain situations, probably similar to the previous thing I mentioned. I'm not sure which of those two things I was reading when this happened.
Basically now, I think I suddenly had this concept in my head about how I could use "vows" to get something. Or at least I think this was in my head. I'm worried I had a whole new idea about "vows" than I did before. So anyways, after reading this I seemed to end up "vowing" (I think this happened quickly, but I can't remember, the quicker it was the more I feel it was impulsive and maybe OCD), and I'm worried that I actually did "vow" for real. I'm not sure if I was thinking about how I could use it to get something, I think I may have, I'm not sure. I'm having trouble explaining this. At this point I seemed to "vow" in order to get something, I think maybe to get cured of my OCD, but I'm not sure. I think the "vow" involved actually "vowing" to do one or more of the existing OCD "vows" that I'm worried about. This sent me in to anxiety like I may possibly have never felt ever. Maybe the only other time I felt this is when I thought I committed the unforgivable sin. I feel like I'm not able to explain this correctly, like I'm not able to explain why I'm worried this one "vow" is more serious.
So, at first I thought the concept of the "vow", or at least I think, was that I would really do my no drinking "vow" for a full 2 years (have been worried can't drink for 2 years, this started in June of 2013, at least that's where I think I got the idea for 2 years from for this "vow" today, well yesterday by now, it's 4:39 AM) in order to get something, I think my OCD cured. Then later I got worried that I actually "vowed" to do all the current "vows" I'm worried about, and now I'm worried about carrying that out for 2 years. So no music, caffeine/chocolate, alcohol, and possibly others I was worried about, for 2 years. Then after that, got worried that I also accepted this no driving thing that I was worried about before, the thing where I thought God was telling me not to drive as a punishment. Even if that was just OCD, I'm worried that I accepted it by doing this, and it will be real if I go home early. And like my existing OCD "vows", if I listen to a song, that adds another day to the "vow", if I drink a gulp of coffee, another day.
Could after all this time (like over 2 years I think) of struggling with "vows" and being scared of them, could I have suddenly slipped up and really "vowed"? Did I suddenly feel/think differently about them, and actually genuinely decide to "vow"? After all this time? And all this fear about them? And not wanting to "vow"? Could I have, for a matter of seconds, really actually wanted to "vow", or decided to do it? Maybe for a reward, with that reward maybe being that I get cured of OCD? Maybe I thought it was worth it to get my OCD cured. Maybe I thought it was worth it only for a short time. Is this type of impulsive action a component of OCD? I don't see this as a compulsion as much, as it wasn't to "solve" an obsession. Plus, I think I did it quickly, but I'm not sure.
If it was really a "vow", would God maybe let it go because the whole thing happened so fast (I think)? I guess I'm worried that suddenly I had this new idea about "vows", and suddenly, due to this new idea about them, felt that I should "vow" or that it was ok? Or even that I should do it? Once again I'm having trouble explaining how this ended up happening. It felt really different from all the other times that I thought I "vowed" I think. Was there anything I could have done to prevent this? I didn't want to "vow" on Monday, I didn't want to "vow" before I went in to work, what changed when I read that thing about vows? Did anything change?
If you've been reading the forums you may have seen my other post about how I was worried God told me not to drive anymore as a punishment for potentially breaking a "vow" which I think was OCD. I ended up doing some research on how God punishes because of that and I guess also did some research on vows since those have been bothering me bad for I think over two years now. Some of my current OCD "vows" that have been affecting me long term are to not 1. Listen to music, 2. Drink alcohol, and 3. Consume caffeine, so things like coffee and chocolate. I think the last time I drank coffee regularly was before Thanksgiving 2013, the last time I listened to music regularly for a long period of time was back maybe in September/October of 2013, maybe earlier, and the last time I drank was in January of 2013 I think.
So I was reading some stuff about vows today while at work, and I read something that basically said that vows can be used to get access to/benefit from God's power (basically doing a bargain with God, where you say you'll do something, then God in return does something for you, hence benefitting from God's power). I also read something about how vows are one of the tools in a Christian's toolbox, I guess to be used for certain situations, probably similar to the previous thing I mentioned. I'm not sure which of those two things I was reading when this happened.
Basically now, I think I suddenly had this concept in my head about how I could use "vows" to get something. Or at least I think this was in my head. I'm worried I had a whole new idea about "vows" than I did before. So anyways, after reading this I seemed to end up "vowing" (I think this happened quickly, but I can't remember, the quicker it was the more I feel it was impulsive and maybe OCD), and I'm worried that I actually did "vow" for real. I'm not sure if I was thinking about how I could use it to get something, I think I may have, I'm not sure. I'm having trouble explaining this. At this point I seemed to "vow" in order to get something, I think maybe to get cured of my OCD, but I'm not sure. I think the "vow" involved actually "vowing" to do one or more of the existing OCD "vows" that I'm worried about. This sent me in to anxiety like I may possibly have never felt ever. Maybe the only other time I felt this is when I thought I committed the unforgivable sin. I feel like I'm not able to explain this correctly, like I'm not able to explain why I'm worried this one "vow" is more serious.
So, at first I thought the concept of the "vow", or at least I think, was that I would really do my no drinking "vow" for a full 2 years (have been worried can't drink for 2 years, this started in June of 2013, at least that's where I think I got the idea for 2 years from for this "vow" today, well yesterday by now, it's 4:39 AM) in order to get something, I think my OCD cured. Then later I got worried that I actually "vowed" to do all the current "vows" I'm worried about, and now I'm worried about carrying that out for 2 years. So no music, caffeine/chocolate, alcohol, and possibly others I was worried about, for 2 years. Then after that, got worried that I also accepted this no driving thing that I was worried about before, the thing where I thought God was telling me not to drive as a punishment. Even if that was just OCD, I'm worried that I accepted it by doing this, and it will be real if I go home early. And like my existing OCD "vows", if I listen to a song, that adds another day to the "vow", if I drink a gulp of coffee, another day.
Could after all this time (like over 2 years I think) of struggling with "vows" and being scared of them, could I have suddenly slipped up and really "vowed"? Did I suddenly feel/think differently about them, and actually genuinely decide to "vow"? After all this time? And all this fear about them? And not wanting to "vow"? Could I have, for a matter of seconds, really actually wanted to "vow", or decided to do it? Maybe for a reward, with that reward maybe being that I get cured of OCD? Maybe I thought it was worth it to get my OCD cured. Maybe I thought it was worth it only for a short time. Is this type of impulsive action a component of OCD? I don't see this as a compulsion as much, as it wasn't to "solve" an obsession. Plus, I think I did it quickly, but I'm not sure.
If it was really a "vow", would God maybe let it go because the whole thing happened so fast (I think)? I guess I'm worried that suddenly I had this new idea about "vows", and suddenly, due to this new idea about them, felt that I should "vow" or that it was ok? Or even that I should do it? Once again I'm having trouble explaining how this ended up happening. It felt really different from all the other times that I thought I "vowed" I think. Was there anything I could have done to prevent this? I didn't want to "vow" on Monday, I didn't want to "vow" before I went in to work, what changed when I read that thing about vows? Did anything change?
