I need mother-in-law advice!

[asmith2]

Hello All,

I need advice regarding my mother-in-law. First, some back story, my husband and I are a somewhat young married couple (both 25) and have been married for a year. My mother-in-law is always a little difficult, but I kind of just deal because I love my husband and that's just the type of person I am. She moved out of state last year and doesn't have very much to do with us anymore. The other day I went to get our mail and we had mail addressed to her in our mailbox! I was a bit confused and a bit annoyed as I had no prior knowledge of her having permission to use our address. I wrote return to sender on the mail and popped it back in. I should add, without going into a whole lot of detail, this mail was in regards to child support payments that are long past due and at the time I was also annoyed because I wasn't sure if the state was going to think she was at our address and we were going to get dragged into it... Anyways, today I receive a text from her asking me to forward this mail to her and that she has it going to our address because "it was the only one she had on her at the time." Again, I'm not the confrontational part so part of me is just like okay I guess I'll forward it to her next time. The other part of me is really annoyed that she used our address without asking and for a legal matter!!! I think she's using it so the state doesn't know she's moved and I really don't care to be in the middle of it.

Do I have a right to be annoyed or am I being ridiculous? I'm worried I'm being a little over the top and it's no big deal, I guess it's just a culmination of past events and now this. Is the right thing to do to just forward her the mail we get? I don't know why I'm making a big deal out of this, but it really bothers me! My husband says we'll just forward it, but I hate to be in the middle of this as I said before.

 

[Matthias Rose]

One of the biggest dangers in dealing with in-laws is allowing the complex relationships and feelings come between you and your spouse. Taking the #1 priority as ensuring domestic harmony, I offer the following things to consider.

1. You might want to think about making this decision WITH your husband. Unilaterally returning mail has the potential of blowing up in your face.

2. Tell your husband your feelings on this matter (your emotional response to what is going on), and also present him with your factual objections (incurring possible legal liability for participating in fraud).

3. TOGETHER, make a decision about how you both want to handle this. Don't talk to his mom until you have a united front. You may need to compromise to get here, but once you have made a decision together, whatever it is, get behind it!

4. Present her with this decision. It is probably best for your husband to do this. She's his mom!

5. Stick to it. If she is a manipulative person, she will try to change your son's mind, or she may not respect the boundaries you are trying to set. People who don't respect your boundaries are going to keep pushing. The clearer the boundary, the better. Boundaries are not about what we WANT people to do, they are about the consequences of people's actions.

Bad boundary example: Mom, we don't want you using our address. Please find another solution.

Good boundary example: Mom, we can't let you use our address. We will forward any mail that comes in the next 3 weeks, but after that we are going to return to sender.

If your husband is unwilling or unable to communicate this to his mom, there's going to be trouble. If you are united in a decision, but he wants you to be the spokeswoman, it leaves the door open for the Mom to blame you and try to manipulate her son (which I guarantee she's good at doing!) against you. If you draw the boundary and then she changes his mind and he redraws the boundary, you have just lost all credibility with her, and she knows she can use her son against you. Don't let that happen! Also, if your husband is unwilling to communicate this to his mom, he's a putz. (Sorry. It's true.)

If your husband is unwilling to draw that boundary and is prefers to incur this (admittedly small) legal liability to support his mom, then... support him. Fully. Mom is family, we're going to do whatever it takes to help her out. It's better to be in solidarity with your spouse then to carry a simmering grudge.

My thoughts only. Hope this helps.