I must confront a "cold war" with a girl. Advice appreciated.

[BridgeAcrossCultures]

I need to confront someone, and I am going to do it very soon. However, I am a bit unsure of how to proceed. My prayers to God are answered saying I need to solve this issue as soon as possible before it escalates into something more serious, but I still don't know where to start.

I am a team leader (or assistant manager) where I work and a major part of my responsibilities involves induction and training of new people.

I need to say that the overall company culture is very informal and moreover, my specific team is like a small school class. We all know each other very well and are good friends both at work and, when time allows, also outside work.
I have rarely seen or heard about this in a corporate working environment and until now we all refer to each other as "friends" and not "colleagues"!
(A major reason for this might be that apart from one senior colleague and myself, most new people joined within very short time of each other, and since I trained them, we take our lunch break together every day.)

Our newest hire (I'll call her Samantha) is one of the friendliest people I have ever met and with whom I share most things, including little things like personal background, hobbies, interests, etc. - meaning lots to talk about informally!

However, following some heavy change in our targets ordered by our directors (which put lots of stress on us), Samantha became more reserved and most of the time she was nagging and grumbling about work.

And for SOME reason I am still unsure of, I started noticing her making some unfriendly remarks and behaviors specifically against me. She would never say anything directly but just suddenly did things that seemed to to let me down or discriminate me. Those are the few times when the hidden feelings come to the surface.

Example (at lunch):
Samantha was talking to us about a recent film she saw. It was taking place on a somewhat famous building which I remembered to have some special feature...
So I asked:"Wasn't that the building with a cone-shaped roof?"
James (the know-it-all guy):"No, Bridge, there isn't such a roof on that building."
Me:"Alright, I'll check later on the internet..."
James:"No man, you don't! I am 100% sure!"
Out of nowhere, a "geek-debate" had started over some insignificant fact. James' tone got somewhat stern, and Samantha intervened.
Samantha:"Yes Bridge, there is no cone-shaped roof on that building."
Me:"Alright, alright, I'll check later..."
James:"Damn! Why does Bridge always have to double-check on the internet!"
Samantha:"Bridge, Bridge, listen up seriously, I saw that film and didn't see ANY cone-shaped roof anywhere, ok?!"
It felt like she wanted to calm the debate and stop James from getting more angry, but she spoke in a really condescending tone towards me and seemed to take it out on me personally.

Then I asked another colleague to take his smartphone and Google the name of the building. The Wikipedia article clearly stated that it had a cone-shaped roof. And the picture showed it...
Samantha (still with condescending tone):"Can you even call that cone-shaped?! It doesn't look like a cone at all. Anyway WHO CARES, okay?! Let's talk about something else now, ok?!".
But she soon left the table and returned to work. When I tried to talk to her she shrugged me off ("I don't want to talk about any damn building now, ok?!!"), and was silent for the rest of the day..

My point with the example above was not about who was right (it was just another random geek-debate...), but the fact that she took it out on me. I kinda have the feeling that if James had said the same thing, she would have not spoken to him with the same tone.
I must underline the fact that I am a VERY kind and humble person (even in the discussion above), and as far as I can remember nobody ever spoke to me with such a condescending tone, in my whole life.

So here are some possible reasons I can think of:

1. Most obvious: she is increasingly stressed at work and takes it out on me because I am the one communicating all the new targets, and yet I always manage to keep a calm and happy face.

2. She likes me as a friend but doesn't like the fact that I "know so much" despite being much younger than everyone.
This would explain the tone with which she defended James in the above geek-debate.

Professionally, she and James are at the same level although James has more time than me within the company. Age-wise, I am in my mid 20s and everyone else in my team are in their 30s. I am not their boss, but help them organize and monitor their work, and communicate new directions/instructions from my boss to them.

Whatever the reason, my prayers are answered saying that I have to tackle the root of the issue or I will keep getting such negativity from her - I know that she is normally very friendly with me, until something happened or changed.

Unless I know what's truly going on, this can grow into something worse.

(BTW, despite the geek-debate, with James I never had any problem at all and the very same day we went out to do sports together.)

All help and advice appreciated.

 

[Girder of Loins]

In a moment without the stress of work(like outside of the workplace), tell her the same stuff you told us. Tell her that you feel like there is some hostility going on between you two, and for the sake of friendship and your jobs, ask her what her problem is, if any.

 

[Ark100]

i think you worry a little too much what others think/say.
Also remember boundaries. you have to set boundaries everywhere especially at work regardless how playful/cheeky/friendly you are

 

[LilLamb219]

Why don't you try complimenting her more on her work efforts and see how it goes? Maybe she's feeling incompetent and needs an ego boost? That could turn things around without even confronting her. You don't have to make anything up, just figure out some of the positive things about her work ethics and let her know that you appreciate her.

 

[parsley]

2. She likes me as a friend but doesn't like the fact that I "know so much" despite being much younger than everyone.

Have you ever considered that she might know more than you? Some intelligent people don't enjoy geek debates, and that clearly was the case when she expressed how the debate needed to end.

Take her words at face value. She said what she wanted to communicate. Other things were more important to her than who was right, what tower was on the building.... she probably wanted a more mutually caring environment than what she was stuck with at lunch.

I've been in plenty of these conversations, and find these competitions nauseating. I am no dummy, have the degrees and experience, but I refuse to compete with friends and family while I am also trying to support them. (That takes restraint.) Sharing information is great, I'm all for it. What you described was not sharing or promoting learning.

She chose to get up because she was not going to get what she hoped for in the conversation. She was not looking for proof of brilliance or a show. She just wanted a pleasant conversation and peace among her coworkers --my guess-- rest and relaxation during her break, not more stress.

i think you worry a little too much what others think/say.
Also remember boundaries. you have to set boundaries everywhere especially at work regardless how playful/cheeky/friendly you are

As the person who hired her, it is not professional for you to try to make sure she likes you as a friend. It is not even your job to make sure she agrees with you professionally. Insisting on a meeting puts her in an awkward set-up position that she must again agree with you, or her job will be at risk. What would she say? Yes I am angry and now you're going to fix it all? Or I dislike you and now I have to keep working with you? Or nothing is going on, and you will continue to mistrust her motives?
Just LET IT GO.

 

[ChrisHolland619]

You are right, God wants you to fix this. But not the way you're thinking. Just let it go. This all sounds so high school.

 

[Angelfrog]

Absolutely- let it go.

I admit that I'm a complete geek (sci-fi is a second language to me ) but even so, I think I'd have reacted rather like her in that conversation.

Don't take this the wrong way- but there's little that's more irritating than someone who just can't let a petty point go and has to keep going on and on to prove that they're right. If I'd been with someone who insisted on looking up a building online- that would have said to me that he's more interested in proving his 'superior' knowledge than in a simple conversation- and that he's so arrogant that he has to be right in every darn thing- even if it's completely unimportant!
I'm not saying that you meant it that way- but that is how it comes over. Maybe she just got fed up with the whole who's Alpha Male nonsense and tried to change the subject- and when you guys wouldn't drop it, she acted in irritation.

As others have said- let it go...and just remember that it really isn't essential to have to be seen to be right all the time.

 

[amandatea]

Forgive and move on.

 

[Pal Handy]

Confronting is not a Godly way to approach the situation.

Pray for, be kind and loving while thinking the best of another is Godly.

 

[seashale76]

We're only getting one side of the story here. There's more to this. Perhaps there's something about your personality that has turned her off. Honestly, I'd be irritated with you too, in the scenario you listed.

Sometimes you just get irritated with people the longer you know them- and you can't simply have nothing to do with them when they're your co-workers. You all might be close (for co-workers), but at the end of the day you all are just co-workers to each other. She likely wants to remain being friendly with you, but doesn't want what she considers the drama to go with it.

You need to let it go and be professional. You're not going to be or remain best of buds with all of your co-workers.

As soon as I saw parsley's post, I was nodding along with it.

 

[turkle]

Honestly, I can't blame her one bit for reacting the way she did. You pushed on a minor point to prove you were right. You have nothing to confront her about. She's annoyed with you because of YOUR behavior.

You say that it's not about being right, but it I think it is. I have seen this pattern in many of your past posts as well. I agree with the others: you really need to learn to let go of inconsequential stuff.

If I were in your shoes, I would pray for God to make clear to me behaviors that I need to address and change. And I would not say another word about this to her.

 

[BFine]

I agree with Turkle, you pushing the point wasn't necessary-- this trivial thing got out of
hand-- and the person to confront isn't her....
My dear Bridge, do work on your tendency to be in the right, I'm not trying to be mean here but I've followed a lot of your threads and this "bad habit" has reared it's
ugly head on more than one occasion.

 

[BridgeAcrossCultures]

First of all, I seem to have been heavily misunderstood, very deeply - both in the actual situation that happened and even by most people on this forum.

This passage best represents what was misunderstood...

[...]
but there's little that's more irritating than someone who just can't let a petty point go and has to keep going on and on to prove that they're right. If I'd been with someone who insisted on looking up a building online- that would have said to me that he's more interested in proving his 'superior' knowledge than in a simple conversation- and that he's so arrogant that he has to be right in every darn thing- even if it's completely unimportant!
I'm not saying that you meant it that way- but that is how it comes over.
[...]
As others have said- let it go...and just remember that it really isn't essential to have to be seen to be right all the time.

I was absolutely VERY FAR from trying to be right!

The point is that while everyone else understood it that way, all I was trying to do was trying to figure out whether what she was talking about was the same thing that I remembered.

I truly start hating being misunderstood, even by people here, because it seems to cause loads of useless conflict which is absolutely nobody's fault - and I always end up very hurt about that - but please let me try and please try to slow down when reading.

Let me try explaining again please.

It was as if a situation similar to the following happened.

Person 1:"There was this film based in Washington..."
Me:"You mean Washington city or the state?"
Person 2:"There is no state Washington. There is only a city."
Me:"Hmmm I thought there was a state. Okay, anyway, I'll check that up later..."

Seriously, that was all I meant. I don't know how it came across, but all I wanted to do was make sure I understood what they were talking about, and since Person 2 (James) started being aggressive, my reaction, very calm, was simply:"Okay, nevermind, I'll look it up later."
James got angry about that.
Samantha got upset that I angered James.

Please, I ask you humbly, can you please understand at least that I never, ever, even closely thought about causing a "geek debate"? It just came out of nowhere, just because I wanted to make sure someone was talking about something I knew of.

I feel like I am in an unfair trial - I know I didn't, and never had any reason to prove I was right.

All I was upset about, in that moment at least, was that both James and Samantha started attacking me out of the blue.

 

[BridgeAcrossCultures]

Secondly, the issue is not only about that incident/argument, but the fact that she, whom I consider a friend, changed suddenly and currently behaves in a quite hostile manner.

My intuition is that if she misunderstood me in that argument, she might have misunderstood my intention and tone many other times as well - which might have led to her change.

Thirdly, I learned from my previous life experiences - INCLUDING some of those I have written about earlier on this forum - that if personal tensions are not addressed, they are left to randomness, and can grow worse and worse every day. "Letting go" is like saying "whatever".
My experiences taught me that, most of the time, only if you put in effort and thoughtfulness, you will be able to transform a bad situation into a good one.
Anger into happiness, hostility into friendship.

I know from my heart and my soul, and everything I believe in and that God tells me, that my mission in life is to solve conflicts, to learn how to handle difficult people and situations and make friendship prosper. Every chance missed is like a blow to faith.

Also... I never asked whether I should confront her, but how. Some of you did give me some suggestions and I am grateful to them. Others might have meant well, but they are not respecting my mission, my aim.

And last but not least, the topic on the boundaries between work and life, coworkers and friendship is a very long discussion. To sum up my belief, I consider those boundaries as incompatible with the teachings of our faith. I am the same person at work and in life, and I try to be a friend at both. I cannot be a hypocrite for the sake of professionalism.

But again, I didn't come on this forum to spend so much time writing a nice account of what happened to ask for advice on how I should organize my work or life values.

I am asking, with all humbleness, what are the best approaches to rebuild my friendship with her.

if that helps, imagine she was any friend, e.g. from school.

I ask with all humbleness not to waste your own time and energy answering questions I never asked.

For me this is a situation of utmost urgency, and I will confront one of these days, either tomorrow or the day after.

If you want to help, at least help me by giving suggestions on how to direct the conversation I am going to have.

Thank you and God bless you.

 

[KimberlyAA]

I definitely think you should take it up with her because she may continue being condescending towards you and that wouldn't make for a very nice working environment. Once or twice people at my job have been condescending but it's just been a 1-off thing because I think they were stressed. Luckily, I tend to keep up my spirits even when I'm slumped by work ... like right now. (I work 3:00pm - 11:00pm)

 

[turkle]

I find it interesting that though most everybody who responded understood what you said the same way, you say you were misunderstood. You have said that in several of your past posts as well. That has to mean that you communicated the same thing to all of us.

You have also chosen to ignore what everyone has said, because it doesn't match up to what you want to hear. You then spent several paragraphs proving that you are right.

You are determined to confront her, even though you have been wisely advised not to, since she wasn't the one who was annoying in this situation. She did nothing that deserves confrontation.

If you must bring the subject up again, and it is clear that you won't let it go, I would only apologize to her for derailing the conversation and annoying her and James. I would definitely NOT go into a long, drawn out explanation of why you were misunderstood. The final advice is the same: do not confront. Let it go.

 

[seashale76]

Alright then. If you're going to approach her, I'd do it like this:

"You've seemed upset with me lately. If I did anything to offend you, I apologize."

Keep it nice, simple, honest, and professional. Don't be pushy.

 

[parsley]

As team leader/assistant manager, you build productivity in your workers. The title makes it sound like your job is to hold a team together, but that's not necessarily what the owner/shareholders are looking for. Profits -- that's the bottom line.

If two employees spend time working things out, that's doubled man-hours for time spent. Half an hour to an hour total, with follow-up and planning/arranging included.

There are books and seminars and videos on team leadership, and they take different stances on how to best keep a team operating smoothly and productively. You are entrusted to know what is best for your product/service and your team.

Most managers I know do not eat lunch regularly with their team. They make friends in other departments so they can coordinate the needs of other departments, strengthen the department's bonds with the rest of the company. Or they go out with clients and external contacts. Or they meet with external friends to vent discreetly.
(Actually more often people do not each lunch at all.)

Even though your question was on how to address this with her, the bigger question is how do you generally relate to your staff in a way that increases productivity, values your members, builds on their strengths/skills/knowledge, and helps the company.

Her lunch time is her time, legally, to do with what she wishes. Make sure your meeting is during company time, if you feel it is a company issue, but that it does not take too much company time, or ultimately make her less productive and less loyal to the company.

Ecc 5:2 therefore let your words be few.

Proverbs 15 - LIT - without Study Resources - Study Desk

 

[PureDose]

Also... I never asked whether I should confront her, but how. Some of you did give me some suggestions and I am grateful to them. Others might have meant well, but they are not respecting my mission, my aim.

And last but not least, the topic on the boundaries between work and life, coworkers and friendship is a very long discussion. To sum up my belief, I consider those boundaries as incompatible with the teachings of our faith. I am the same person at work and in life, and I try to be a friend at both. I cannot be a hypocrite for the sake of professionalism.

But again, I didn't come on this forum to spend so much time writing a nice account of what happened to ask for advice on how I should organize my work or life values.

I am asking, with all humbleness, what are the best approaches to rebuild my friendship with her.

if that helps, imagine she was any friend, e.g. from school.

I ask with all humbleness not to waste your own time and energy answering questions I never asked.

For me this is a situation of utmost urgency, and I will confront one of these days, either tomorrow or the day after.

If you want to help, at least help me by giving suggestions on how to direct the conversation I am going to have.

On approach:

Just about invariably, to confront someone on something you need to have evidence ready to confront them with.

I actually "have to" confront one of my daughters on something "immediately"... but to be perfectly honest, reading this makes me stop and wait and rethink that to see if the problem remains "today or tomorrow" when I plan to.

Which I take as normal way of God "confronting" me on course correction issues.


That aside, I would suggest simply opening up lines of communication with them. Clearly, you two are not talking. Simply talking normally should open up the problem and cause it to rise to the surface.

I would strongly step away from any kind of authority approach. The Church is more like a intelligence agency one sees on television, then like a top down organization. Someone under you is like someone who is above you.

For instance, Alias or 24, the main characters are the ones with management over their heads. There is good, supportive management who sympathizes with them, then there are always the bad managers who do not -- they tend to either end up being The Villain their own self, or causing as much problems as The Villain.

A good manager is like Sydney (Alias) dad who was also her manager in many situations. He was always working for her and everything he did was motivated by his desire to protect her.

And so good managers are "on the ground", too, and they find their adversaries the same as those on the ground.

They are not managers as worldly people are managers, but they are true co-workers and brothers and sisters.