I get suicidal ideation so easily on everything!

[Lady Bug]

I know it's probably not even necessary to ask if people here have thoughts of wanting to die all the time, given that it's a depression forum.

But does anyone here feel like they have even a tinge of suicidal ideation for what literally feels like every minute of the day? Some of it is in varying degrees but there is never a moment in which it is not there either.

I hate it! The ideation could increase on virtually any trigger. There's usually specific types of triggers though, but still, why does the deadly thoughts come so easily? Why is my mind so weak?

It's as if I can't read about some (though not all) of the hardships people face and think that if I were in those very situations they are describing, I'd want to kill myself out of it.

Why am I such an emotionally fragile and sensitive person? I am not a violent person. Emotionally however someone might think I'm not stable because all I ever think about is why can't there be a painless way to end things. I'm not in danger of attempting this. But I do not want to live the rest of my life like this.

A few years ago I went on antidepressants for binge eating. Back then I had suicidal thoughts too. But the antidepressants augmented the suicidal thoughts so bad that I just had to get off of them. The thoughts diminished in intensity after the drugs wore off, but the thoughts still remain and never leave my system.

Right now I don't have any insurance, so if I were to attempt medicines again, I probably need the insurance, but in all honesty I am weary of medication for this. I just wish there were a way for these thoughts to go away without medication. I just don't know if this is possible.

 

[Everlasting33]

Hi, I have been through a similar situation as you. Just by reading your post, I can sense your frustration and helplessness. Also, I noticed that you put yourself down for being "sensitive and weak." It is very easy to put ourselves down when we are hurting. We simply assume all this mess is just because of our flaws and inability to be strong in time of trials. One of the most helpful things that have encouraged my progress with depression was ceasing to condemn myself. Like you, I would put myself down for being so sensitive and I too resented my mind as I viewed it as weak.

Here is something that I have asked myself: For what purpose does it serve to self-condemn? What am I getting out of saying I am weak and too sensitive?

I soon realized that I was caught up in the cycle of self-destruct and I needed to find my way out!

I realize this time is difficult for you and that you are hurting. But I encourage you to challenge the thoughts and feelings that you have. There can be no starting point for progress without testing your current belief system about yourself. There can be no starting point for success if we wallop in our pity and helplessness.

It is challenging to break free of suicidal thought and feeling. It becomes almost impulsive and involuntary. But please keep up the good fight and challenge! You can do it!

 

[joris]

Oh, I see your hurt, and your desperate feelings

I don't know well what to write, wishing to support though. I have been very depressed. Not really free of that yet, but it's much better. I wished for God to just heal that instantly, prayed and prayed. But He wanted me to go through it.

I learned, to try to refuse those negative feelings, negative thoughts. Still often I fail in that, giving in to them, and all that. Though it's good to watch out for those, and if you see, this is rejection, to refuse it.
God keeps saying "I love you". He loves you. I pray for you to experience His love, His comfort, for Him to bring friends to you who can comfort you and make you see you are not alone in this

 

[LonelyTraveler]

I get them all the time. I leave my house and see a woman, and the pain starts. And it keeps getting worse. This hurt. The pain. It doesn't stop. Keeps getting worse. Hurts so much. Just want to die, no matter how painful. The pain I would feel from dying would be a pinprick compared to the pain I feel all the time. It would be a relief. Calm. Peace.

 

[JoabAnias]

Hi Ladybug,

I have some professional and personal experience with what your going through.

I have some practical suggestions from a professional standpoint that I would like to offer you.

As I am not sure you would wish me to do this here publicly, please PM me if I can be of help or you just need someone to talk to.

Peace.

 

[TheMainException]

YOU ARE NOT SENSITIVE OR WEAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It has NOTHING to do with being weak. These attacks on your mind, whether from Satan or simply because you've gotten your brain into a habit of thinking them...is just that...an attack or a habit...not weakness. Getting rid of them takes a conscious effort to repel them as soon as they appear. Just STOP. (this is hard, don't think it can take a month or so...it could take a long time) When the thought comes...think of the happiest moment ever...or in any way you can to stop the thought. If you think about the thought, it will continue, so it involves replacement...think of something else immediately.

i've been there...it takes a lot to make them stop. Whenever I was driving, I'd think about running the car into something...just...ordinary things would bring about the thoughts...just like you...it takes time, and patience...pray when you get those thoughts...it can increase your prayer life while pushing the thoughts out...I hope some of that helps.

 

[Jeshu]

The need to die speaks of our inability to continue as we are - changing the way you look at yourself is the first step to change that.

Truthfully life is what you crave - death is what you hate - for look you are seeking life over death within your inner being right now - that this may give hope - and new perspective - in the battle that turns our existence into nothingness - for agonising pain you get from all that.

Let death come near and look at it with open eyes - WHAT LIE COULD BE CLEARER THAN DEATH AS A WISH FOR LIFE?

I hope you will know your worth lays in the fact that you are - HURTING and all - please let life convince you of the meaning that is your existence - for pain always rakes our birthing process - both the child and the mother experience much distress at such a stage in life - yet the outcome is much more than a bloody mess.

(Oh about weakness - one more time - this feeling tells us about life - not death - making weakness true life indeed - unlike death.)

ps I finally overcame my craving to die when truth exposed the lies of my distress - Distress is so much worse when we look at lies as truth - rather than let the truth expose the lie - so I let the need to die have its eternal rest.


Much love your way.

Gerry

 

[Lady Bug]

thank u guys so far for your insight. I'm not doing very well in this regard right now, so keep praying for me. The only thing I know is that the devil would be happy with how I am feeling about myself right now and that is something I am uncomfortable with. I wish the thoughts would subside, knowing that though. These thoughts really don't feel like they come from God. They feel demonic, even.

I can give you an example of something that triggered me today. I was reading a post at this one forum (not at CF) asking other women if you can get premenopausal symptoms in your 30s, and the answer was yes, and it set off a bad trigger. Because I am 28 and the years are flying by like hotcakes and I haven't met anyone yet. I feel suicidal at the thought of missing an opportunity to have my own biological children...little "me's" as you would say. It's just so hard to meet a decent, God-fearing man, and if you do meet a God-fearing person you always fear that they are a bit on the crazy side in that. It's so painstakingly difficult to find someone whose values are similar enough to yours and whom you are attracted to at the same time. Oftentimes you can't get both at once.

 

[TheMainException]

In my life...I've found that the things I want the most...having a man by my side, being free from depression and anxiety...and everything else...really revolves around whether I can be content with what I have. I find myself in a much happier place since I've come face to face with the idea that none of these things may happen. I might forever be alone and depressed...but that does not have to depress me more. I can be happy in knowing that I am guided by God in this life...that I have him when I have no one else. Becoming content in whatever you have allows whatever happens to be okay. In a movie I saw "wristcutters"...it's a good movie to watch, but it could trigger you...so only pick it up when you're on a good streak or know that it won't cause you to cut or anything bad. But in the movie, this guy wanted to be able to do miracles like everyone else...everyone did little things...made fish change color, made themselves or other objects float, found what they were seeking, whatever...well..this guy wanted to do it too...but couldnt'. An older man in the movie said to him...you know...if you keep trying to find things and do things, you'll never be able to do it. Once you stop wanting it so bad, it will come to you. It makes sense...you seek stuff with all you have and it drives you crazy because it's not happening, but when you just let go and relax and live life, good things come to you.

As for the demonic thoughts: Attacks from Satan ARE REAL. If you have never read "This Present Darkness" by Frank Peretti, it's an amazing book of fiction...wonderful read...very gripping and portrays the spiritual world in unison with ours...it's somewhat scary to think that demons and angels could actually be duking it out right over us, in a fight for us...as we pray and as we go about our lives...Satan has sent his minions to effect your mind...keep fighting, keep praying, you can win this battle.

 

[Ave Maria]

Ladybug, I first want you to know that I mean absolutely no offense by this post. It is merely meant as some helpful advice. But honestly, if you are so depressed that you're having suicidal ideation like every minute of the day then perhaps you should be in the hospital where they can mess with your medicine and keep you under observance so you don't commit suicide and so they can see how your medicine is working. Be warned, if you are as severe as you say you are, they might keep you for a long while though. But believe me, it'd be worth it to get your medicine worked out and see about getting rid of those daily suicidal thoughts.

 

[Soulwings]

I, too, am suicidal nearly every day. I have just come to accept it, to be honest. It's there, I want to die sometimes, not other times... and while that's probably not the right way to go about it, it works for me. So far, anyway. Not doing too well lately. Anyway... I'm not suggesting that you ignore it if it gets serious enough, and indeed, if you are triggered more and more frequently, and feel more and more like you will indeed attempt/commit suicide, then - I agree with PaladinGirl - go to the hospital. I have been there 3 times so far for extended periods of time and have a feeling that I will end up returning by the end of the year (things are going that badly, yes)... but it's not a bad place to be. A bit strange, but they keep you safe there and it is a good place to be if you can't contract that you will be safe week by week.

If you need to talk, I'm here. I understand what you're going through, some of the way even if not all, and I'd love to chat more if you need. Hang in there, seek help in real life if you feel that you need it (and well done for seeking help online - shows some desire to live, as another poster stated), and know that we're all here cheering you on.

 

[omojesu]

One way to get rid of what you don't want is to replace it with what you want! Since you are fully aware of the things that get you in a suicidal mood I'll advice that you avoid them as much as possible. Also consciously seek those things that anytime anyday will help you smile and make you feel good e.g good music, commedy, spending time in God's presence in praise and worship... it works wonders! Also read scriptures that will infuse you with fresh energy for each day- Isa.55:12, Neh.8:10, Phil.4:4-7, 13 e.t.c. Re-affirm to yourself everyday,as you stand in front of the mirror, that you have a sound mind, the mind of Christ and no devil can mess with your mind. Believe you can do all things through Christ that strenghtens you and you are getting healed from every suicidal ideation! All the best.