Husband unhappy with my stomach

[Job8]

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer! I really appreciate it!

It looks like your husband has a deeper problem that the apparent size of your abdomen. Hopefully he is aware of your efforts to look trim. And frankly this should be the least of his concerns. As to who should advise him to get over this is another matter. Perhaps you both should meet with your family physician, who can then set him straight.

 

[Hetta]

Not sure what you mean by this.

Her periods stopped because she is underweight. IDC what the internet says is an ideal weight for a women of her height, if she is so underweight that her body has stopped making estrogen (hence no periods), that's a problem.

 

[Hetta]

It looks like your husband has a deeper problem that the apparent size of your abdomen. Hopefully he is aware of your efforts to look trim. And frankly this should be the least of his concerns. As to who should advise him to get over this is another matter. Perhaps you both should meet with your family physician, who can then set him straight.

ITA and great advice.

 

[Murby]

Her periods stopped because she is underweight. IDC what the internet says is an ideal weight for a women of her height, if she is so underweight that her body has stopped making estrogen (hence no periods), that's a problem.

Yup.. She certainly said her past eating disorder had stopped her period in the past.. good thing that's been solved.

You are also correct about things the internet says about what your ideal weight should be.. those stats are all based on averages and are mostly useless.

If a person has a large skeletal frame, their ideal weight will be significantly higher than someone with a smaller frame, even for two comparisons of the same vertical height.

This is why I say the BMI numbers are a bunch of garbage.. they don't take into account so many other important factors.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

I hope the OP comes back! She did say "My husband has repeatedly told me he'd like me to lose fat on my stomach. I very much wish I could honor this request" and she did very clearly ask her questions in list format and all.

 

[mkgal1]

How should I respond to my husband's dissatisfaction? Stomach fat is a sensitive issue for me, and knowing that he is unhappy with my body (for something that feels beyond my control) makes me feel inadequate, angry, and sad. I am tempted to feel resentful towards my husband. Any Christian advice on how to not have this hurt me so much would be greatly appreciated.

She also posted the above. It's a complicated issue with her previous eating disorder added into the mix. He should be focused on her *whole* well-being---not just his preferences (and that's why I believe it was good advice for the two of them to visit her physician that helped her with her ED--so that can be explained to him by someone other than his wife. Hopefully he'll realize then how much he's hurting her). Her response is a natural and healthy response--she hurts when he's being hurtful. How can she not hurt? By not having him hurt her.

It has very little to do with her habits. We shouldn't honor requests that aren't healthy for us. And her allowing her husband to define for her what she should look like is not a good combination with her past issues with an eating disorder.

 

[Catherineanne]

Hi! I'm hoping for some insight. My husband has repeatedly told me he'd like me to lose fat on my stomach. I very much wish I could honor this request, but I have two impediments:

Your body is your own concern. 100%, married or not, your body belongs to you, and nobody else. When you share yourself with your husband that is you honouring your marriage, but that does not give him the right to criticise how you look.

If your husband is supporting you, then fine; that is what he should be doing. If he is undermining you, or making you feel insecure, then he is breaking your marriage covenant. This may not be as major a fault as adultery but it is on the same spectrum, imo. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves his church. This drip feed of criticism is verbal abuse, and it is not acceptable behaviour for any spouse.

If you are both Christians I suggest you get your husband to have a quiet word with his pastor. If he is not a Christian then I suggest you tell him to mind his own business.

 

[Runswithdogs]

I have a friend who is same height as the OP, she is fine boned and was doing professional model work at 134lbs ( & You know how skinny models have to be)
I cant see how at that height, anyone could possibly be needing to loose weight at 127lbs... & loosing your period is almost always a sign that your body fat % is TO LOW. Basically your body stops your cycle because it recognizes that you dont have the means to support a second life if you become pregnant.

Having a bit of a belly could be down to different reasons. 1 is that is simply how your built. Another is bloating (avoiding sugar & grains can help with this) or being so underweight that it causes your belly to stand out simply because the area around it is sunk in. & probably a few others.

But a Husband that makes those kinda statements, even more so especially in light of knowing about your previous ED, deserves to have his nutz jammed in a vice.

 

[PsychoeDial]

Her husbands comments are insensitive to her struggles. I too hope she returns to read the sincere advice offered here by genuine caring people.

 

[98cwitr]

If he said "I'd like you to lose some stomach fat" in the tone of "I'd like to eat a sandwich" I'm not seeing the issue. There's no need to blow a situation out of proportion. If he said it and then his actions changed toward you, he said it with the tone of "I'd like to have sex with another woman," or he's refusing to have sex with you because of it, then there's a problem on his end.

I'm sure we all could find something with our spouse we'd like for them to change, but it's about accepting who they are no matter how they look. I think it's good though that he's at least open enough to express a desire to you, as long as it doesn't affect his desire for you. Does that make sense?

 

[twob4me]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~MOD HAT ON!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few posts were removed for being a bit vulgar and/or insensitive. Please keep your replies clean and helpful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~MOD HAT OFF!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[WolfGate]

If he said "I'd like you to lose some stomach fat" in the tone of "I'd like to eat a sandwich" I'm not seeing the issue. There's no need to blow a situation out of proportion. If he said it and then his actions changed toward you, he said it with the tone of "I'd like to have sex with another woman," or he's refusing to have sex with you because of it, then there's a problem on his end.

I'm sure we all could find something with our spouse we'd like for them to change, but it's about accepting who they are no matter how they look. I think it's good though that he's at least open enough to express a desire to you, as long as it doesn't affect his desire for you. Does that make sense?

I'm seriously thinking you did not read her entire post or the thread. She has a past eating disorder. She has a history of body image issues which resulted in her doing things that were entirely unhealthy and damaging to her physically. It sounds like she has moved past that from her comments but the history is there and always will be.

Him saying anything about her stomach fat, in light of her history, is stupid at best and intentionally cruel at worst. I don't care where it falls on the spectrum between those two, he is without question wrong. This is not being blown out of proportion.

(Not to mention her stats verify she is not overweight)

 

[mkgal1]

There's no need to blow a situation out of proportion.

I don't believe anyone has blown this out of proportion.

 

[revanneosl]

I remain of the conviction that, if you have an eating disorder, and if your husband knows that fact, and if he still persists in giving you lip about some imagined belly-fat problem, He is evincing an absolute disdain for whether you live or die.

Eating Disorders drive people to suicide attempts on the regular. He either knows this & doesn't care, or he doesn't know this because he doesn't care to educate himself about Eating Disorders.

 

[Shayla Smith]

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments! My husband and I had a very good discussion about this, and I learned that his comments were not meant to hurt me. He is a logical, practical person who isn't sensitive or offended easily, and he simply thought that if there was something I could do, it would be good to look into.

I, of course, being much more sensitive, took the comments as a bigger deal than he meant them. I mistakenly thought it meant he didn't love me as much, or was unhappy with me. He reassured me that is not the case! (He said he is going to be more careful about his word choices in the future.)

To those who asked, yes, I do have fat on my stomach, despite being pretty thin. My legs have atrophied due to my injuries, so I think that's why my weight is low. My husband and I are planning to work together to both get in better physical shape.

Hetta – Good thoughts about not getting hyper-focused on physical appearance since I used to have an ED. It is definitely a fine line, and one I hope never to cross again.

Gwen – Thanks for the prayers and advice!

Murby - Thanks for the advice about diet. I could definitely cut out more sugar and will try to figure out better meals to make. I also plan to stop drinking juice!

If anyone has any nutrition advice on what types of things are good to eat or any recipe ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Shayla

 

[mkgal1]

If anyone has any nutrition advice on what types of things are good to eat or any recipe ideas, I'd love to hear them.

Only since you asked ( ), this is probably the best way for everyone to eat (and she has some easy, but delicious recipes....with a lot of "guilt-free" treats). It's mostly what Murby had suggested---grain-free and no added sugar. Food should be enjoyable---and not something you obsess over:

http://marmaladeandmileposts.com/f-q-sane-calorie-myth-smarter-science-slim

recipe index: http://marmaladeandmileposts.com/recipe-index

And do a search on Pinterest for Paleo ---there are loads of recipes there.

I'm curious about your one comment, though.....where you said your husband is "logical and practical". Is that something he'd said? As if YOU aren't "logical and practical"? I just get a bit concerned when someone uses that against another person--just how "logical and practical" they are.

 

[Shayla Smith]

Thanks! I'm excited to check out the recipes. The "logical/practical" description is totally my own.

 

[mkgal1]

The "logical/practical" description is totally my own.

That's good to hear I just happen to be a believer that a person can be both logical/practical AND compassionate....that's all.

Oh! Another site I thought of:

http://www.ibreatheimhungry.com/recipes

 

[Murby]

If anyone has any nutrition advice on what types of things are good to eat or any recipe ideas, I'd love to hear them.

First, glad you got things straightened out with your spouse..

Ok.. here goes:

1) Eat all the fruits and veggies you want.. But keep sweet corn and things with high starches (like potatoes) to a minimum. Going to a BBQ? Go ahead and have some corn, its fine.. just don't eat the stuff every day.
2) Only one or two servings of grains per week.. this includes breads, cereals, oatmeal, etc. While things like oatmeal are good for your cholesterol (which I doubt you need to worry about), you need to watch out for the sugars and carbs. Most grains are ground up and are basically carbohydrate bombs.
3) Don't shy away from FAT ! Believe it or not, fatty foods are NOT what makes us fat.. Yes, its the sugar (again!) LOL.
While I don't tend to advocate for deep frying foods, don't bother to cut the fat off your t-bone steak.. its good for you and will make you feel full for a longer period of time.
4) FIBER! The average American only gets about 1/5 of the amount of fiber they should.. Fiber is unbelievably good for you as it pushes food through your system, locks up sugars so your body can't get to them, and helps keep your system nice and clean. It is important to note that you must combine soluble fiber with insoluble fiber as either is useless without the other. Want to hear something funny? Fiber supplements most people buy at the store are loaded with sugar! How stupid is that?
5) Meat... You're a woman right? Women tend to habitually fall short on two important items.. Iron, and calcium. Red meat will give you all the iron you need. (vegetarians just close your eyes and pretend I didn't say that!)
6) Milk and Cheese.. Good proteins, good fats, lots of calcium.
7) Pastas.. Good for you if you're going to be involved in hard physical activity all day.. pretty much really bad at all other times.
8) Peanuts.. Probably one of the best foods you can eat.. In fact, any nuts.. Eat as much as you want as often as you want. Be Warned! You must read the labels if buying peanut butter these days because they load that junk up with all kinds of sugars.. You have to buy natural peanut butter.. Peanuts are loaded with fats, proteins and packed to the brim with fiber. In case anyone didn't notice.. Jimmy Carter is still alive at around 90+ years old he's still going strong even after beating brain cancer.
9) Sodium.. You need to maintain a balance between sodium and potassium.. I forget the actual ratio (15 parts potassium to 1 part sodium?), but suffice it to say you need lots of green veggies to load up on the potassium.
10) Make sure you get enough magnesium.. With all the processed garbage foods available today, its estimated that something like 70% of all Americans are short on Magnesium.. Look it up and get supplements if you need.. You'll be astounded at how important this one is and how many people are short on daily intake.
11) Stay way from "cured" meats.. I love bacon, but its horribly bad for you because of the nitrates used to cure the meat. BBC Horizons Science did a study on this stuff and found that the life shortening effects of eating cured meats with nitrates is on par with smoking.. HUH? I couldn't believe it myself but their science was sound.
12) Stay away from Hydrogenated oils.. Doesn't matter if they're Fully or partially hydrogenated or if they're interesterified, its POISON and is even being outlawed in various states.

Good luck, hope that helps,

 

[kmrichard7]

I keep seeing this post and thnk maybe I should share my experience.
When I met my ex I was very under weight. Unhealthily so. I'm 5'9 as well as was pushing 105 and for me (with a big frame, even at 105 I couldnt fit into anything smaller than a 5) that's tiny. I developed health problems from that.

Well I went on birth control and my weight shot up. I was under a lot of stress and the ex had become verbally and physically abusive, constantly cutting me down. I was such a cow he was embarrassed to be seen in public with me he said.

I got tired of the cut downs and started the weight loss. He dared me to lose more weight then him. He knows I've started throwing up my food and was on a 200 calorie a day restriction and he encouraged it. I dropped 80 pounds in 6 months and developed a heart murmur along with many other health conditions. the murmur never cleared and still causes trouble sometime.

Anyways, so I lose 80 pounds and am down to 115. I start to see a nutritionist because my eating is so bad at this point and I maintain at 115 but healthy. Not good enough for said ex.

I was also pregnant before I went on the weight loss routine (I didn't start until the baby was born) so I had lose skin and stretch marks. As soon as the ex sees this he tells me how badly he wants to take an iron to my stomach to flatten it out. Never good enough.

So years later I still look at my stomach wanting badly to fix the flaws, the flaws that show I gave birth to an amazing beautiful child, the flaws that show I was once over weight and managed to become healthy again. Reminders that I will never have the body I once had.

It was just never enough for him. No matter how much I tried and how much I liked the changes, it was never enough. And truth be told, it was him who was never enough. I knew it then but I was so insecure I thought he was right when he said I couldn't do any better.

My husband now, he encourages me every day to be comfortable with him. He kisses my stomach, tells me how much he loves all of my flaws, he's a keeper. There are keepers.

I don't know what your situation is like but if it is anything like mine was, do NOT let him get you back to the eating disorder. Don't let him kill you like that. It will kill you. No one is worth it, especially if they can't love and accept you for who you are.

You are beautiful flaws and all. and for your stomach, I don't know if anyone ever told you this but as a woman you are SUPPOSED to have a pooch on your belly. It's your uterous and it's normal and healthy and a beautiful thing. No one ever told me this so I dropped pound after pound trying to get rid of something that would one day house my three lovely children.

Be easy with yourself, you are beautiful just the way you are.