Husband unhappy with my stomach

[Shayla Smith]

Hi! I'm hoping for some insight. My husband has repeatedly told me he'd like me to lose fat on my stomach. I very much wish I could honor this request, but I have two impediments:

1. According to our scale, I weigh 127 pounds. At 5'9”, that puts me at a BMI of just under 19. My doctor has told me several times that I should weigh 135, and that I risk osteoporosis if I weigh lower than that. (I am at a high risk for osteoporosis because I had anorexia in the past (BMI of less than 16), and my periods stopped for more than a year.)

2. I have a persistent knee injury that has made it difficult for me to do muscle-building exercises. Gaining more muscle in my lower body might help my stomach look better, but when I try to do weighted strength exercises, I end up getting more injured. I have gone to physical therapy and am slowly working my way up to this, but it will realistically be a long time before I can gain enough muscle for it to make a big difference in my appearance.

In light of this, I have two questions:

1. How should I respond to my husband's dissatisfaction? Stomach fat is a sensitive issue for me, and knowing that he is unhappy with my body (for something that feels beyond my control) makes me feel inadequate, angry, and sad. I am tempted to feel resentful towards my husband. Any Christian advice on how to not have this hurt me so much would be greatly appreciated.

2. Is there anything I can do to improve the appearance of my stomach? I already do a variety of abdominal exercises to target each section, and I do my best to eat healthy. When I asked my husband if I should get surgery, he said “probably not.”

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer! I really appreciate it!

 

[Hetta]

At your height/weight, I wonder whether you actually do have any "fat" on your stomach. Unless you have a posture issue, I can't imagine that occurring. Do you think you have fat on your stomach? I'm actually wondering whether your extreme slimness causes your stomach to look a little larger, and whether if you gained a few pounds overall, you would be more in proportion?

I think that you should respond to your husband's dissatisfaction by reminding him of everything that you put above, and then I wonder - is there anything with his body that you can point out as 'dissatisfying' just to turn the tables for a moment?

I'm honestly appalled that any spouse would dog their loved one about a minor 'defect' in their appearance. Spouses are to love unconditionally.

 

[Murby]

I think that you should respond to your husband's dissatisfaction by reminding him of everything that you put above, and then I wonder - is there anything with his body that you can point out as 'dissatisfying' just to turn the tables for a moment?

I would not agree with this advice... While I don't totally disagree with it either, responding with a "taste of your own medicine" should always be a last resort as it opens the door to unfavorable tones.

To the OP:
BMI indexes mean very little and are notoriously inaccurate. In order to get an accurate measurement, you'd have to use a machine like this one:

So if your doctor didn't do this, which I doubt he did, then your bmi means almost nothing. In fact, if any doctor looked at my height and weight and took a pinch of fat and then gave me my BMI, I would probably go find a new doctor because it means they haven't kept up on the latest science. That stuff is old school and has been repeatedly been proven to be horribly inaccurate.

The fact is, medical researchers are quickly learning that despite what external appearances look like, true health and body fat measurements are very hard to accurately determine without some fancy equipment.

The first thing you want to do to reduce belly fat is to understand where it comes from and why. Your body stores short term energy as glucose in your muscles, it stores long term energy as fat that is relatively evenly distributed around your body. There are two kinds of fat, visceral and subcutaneous. Visceral is the stuff surrounding your organs, subcutaneous is the stuff you can pinch on the outside of your muscles. When your body goes into its fat burning stage, the visceral fat inside is burned first, it is also the first to be replaced when you go back to storing excess energy.
You can't start burning the subcutaneous stuff until you've mostly depleted your visceral stores.

When you see people with fat mid sections (stomach's) that are disproportionately larger (fatter) than the rest of their body, its because of sugar intake, specifically a sugar called Fructose, which is found in everything from table sugar to processed foods.
When you eat a potato or some other food containing natural sugars (starch and glucose), every cell in your body can burn that glucose for energy... but when you ingest Fructose, the only organ that can metabolize it is you liver, and the only thing your liver can do with it is to turn it into LDL cholesterol (the bad stuff).. When this cholesterol gets absorbed into your blood, it eventually gets converted to fat stores.. (but I forget the mechanism).. Unfortunately, this same transformation sends these specific fats to your mid section..

This is why people who drink lots of beer get the "beer belly".. its because ethanol and the other sugars in beer are processed in much the same way.

So, if you want to loose some belly fat, here's what you need to do:
1. Eliminate all fructose from your diet except that which comes from unprocessed fruit. You'll have to get on internet and learn to recognize how to tell if the foods you're eating have added sugars to them.. but, for the most part, cut out all table sugar (which is 50% glucose/ 50% Fructose) and cut out all processed foods with any added sugars.
2. Drastically cut back on grains and starches. There's a trick of marketing in the food industry where they label "Whole Grains" as being good for you.. The fact is, they are good for you but only if you eat the whole undisturbed grain.. Most "whole grain" foods are ground up into powder which makes it easy for your body to suck out all the sugars from the grains.. This is bad.
3. Engage is medium to low intensity exercise.. Walking is a very good choice. Regardless of the intensity, the longer the duration of the exercise, the better.
4. If your legs are a problem, engage in upper body workouts to build muscle tissue in your arms, chest, back, stomach, etc.
5. ABSOLUTELY no fruit juices.. these are basically fructose cocktails and they're literally toxic. (Ya, all this time we've been told orange juice is healthy.. its not at all healthy and is actually just as bad as a candy bar almost)

Swimming is absolutely one of the best exercises you can do.. even if you're just playing around or tossing a ball.. Water provides huge low impact resistance and burns fat extremely well.

Hope that helps,

 

[mkgal1]

I agree with Hetta, at your weight (and height) I can't see that you'd have much fat on your stomach, either.

Were you with your husband when you had your ED? I'm sure he's aware of it....right? I think you should remind him how damaging it is to your health that he criticize your weight or appearance. I do agree with Murby on the issue of sugar intake, though.......but I'd imagine with a previous issue with an eating disorder, it's a fine line to be careful about obsessing over what you're eating. A lot of us have been conditioned wrongly into believing certain foods are healthy (like he said: orange juice, for instance) when they're not.

How do YOU feel about your tummy?

 

[ValleyGal]

Why does he want you to lose belly fat. Seems terribly unrealistic.

 

[WolfGate]

Tell him to lose the fat on top of his neck...

 

[Hetta]

I would not agree with this advice... While I don't totally disagree with it either, responding with a "taste of your own medicine" should always be a last resort as it opens the door to unfavorable tones.

BMI indexes mean very little and are notoriously inaccurate. In order to get an accurate measurement, you'd have to use a machine like this one:

So if your doctor didn't do this, which I doubt he did, then your bmi means almost nothing. In fact, if any doctor looked at my height and weight and took a pinch of fat and then gave me my BMI, I would probably go find a new doctor because it means they haven't kept up on the latest science. That stuff is old school and has been repeatedly been proven to be horribly inaccurate.

The fact is, medical researchers are quickly learning that despite what external appearances look like, true health and body fat measurements are very hard to accurately determine without some fancy equipment.

The first thing you want to do to reduce belly fat is to understand where it comes from and why. Your body stores short term energy as glucose in your muscles, it stores long term energy as fat that is relatively evenly distributed around your body. There are two kinds of fat, visceral and subcutaneous. Visceral is the stuff surrounding your organs, subcutaneous is the stuff you can pinch on the outside of your muscles. When your body goes into its fat burning stage, the visceral fat inside is burned first, it is also the first to be replaced when you go back to storing excess energy.
You can't start burning the subcutaneous stuff until you've mostly depleted your visceral stores.

When you see people with fat mid sections (stomach's) that are disproportionately larger (fatter) than the rest of their body, its because of sugar intake, specifically a sugar called Fructose, which is found in everything from table sugar to processed foods.
When you eat a potato or some other food containing natural sugars (starch and glucose), every cell in your body can burn that glucose for energy... but when you ingest Fructose, the only organ that can metabolize it is you liver, and the only thing your liver can do with it is to turn it into LDL cholesterol (the bad stuff).. When this cholesterol gets absorbed into your blood, it eventually gets converted to fat stores.. (but I forget the mechanism).. Unfortunately, this same transformation sends these specific fats to your mid section..

This is why people who drink lots of beer get the "beer belly".. its because ethanol and the other sugars in beer are processed in much the same way.

So, if you want to loose some belly fat, here's what you need to do:
1. Eliminate all fructose from your diet except that which comes from unprocessed fruit. You'll have to get on internet and learn to recognize how to tell if the foods you're eating have added sugars to them.. but, for the most part, cut out all table sugar (which is 50% glucose/ 50% Fructose) and cut out all processed foods with any added sugars.
2. Drastically cut back on grains and starches. There's a trick of marketing in the food industry where they label "Whole Grains" as being good for you.. The fact is, they are good for you but only if you eat the whole undisturbed grain.. Most "whole grain" foods are ground up into powder which makes it easy for your body to suck out all the sugars from the grains.. This is bad.
3. Engage is medium to low intensity exercise.. Walking is a very good choice. Regardless of the intensity, the longer the duration of the exercise, the better.
4. If your legs are a problem, engage in upper body workouts to build muscle tissue in your arms, chest, back, stomach, etc.
5. ABSOLUTELY no fruit juices.. these are basically fructose cocktails and they're literally toxic. (Ya, all this time we've been told orange juice is healthy.. its not at all healthy and is actually just as bad as a candy bar almost)

Swimming is absolutely one of the best exercises you can do.. even if you're just playing around or tossing a ball.. Water provides huge low impact resistance and burns fat extremely well.

Hope that helps,

Regardless of what you think of my post, encouraging a woman who is already underweight to lose more weight is incredibly dangerous. Her doctor is the expert, you are not, and you should not dismiss her doctor's advice. There is a rule on CF about not giving medical advice for very good reason. 127lbs at 5' 9" is a very low weight, and that is the reason her periods have stopped. If you think that's healthy, I've got news for you. And the fact that she has already had an eating disorder is another reason why nobody should be trying to persuade her to hyper focus on her body. SMH.

 

[Murby]

encouraging a woman who is already underweight to lose more weight is incredibly dangerous.

That's certainly true...

Her doctor is the expert, you are not, and you should not dismiss her doctor's advice. There is a rule on CF about not giving medical advice for very good reason.

I was not giving medical advice.. I think I did however suggest she get a second opinion. One must wonder what possible belly fat a person of 5' 9" at 127lbs could possibly have.. I just watched a video from BBC Horizons that covered thin people who are actually unhealthy because of fat.. They're called "TOFI" as it stands for Thin Outside, Fat Inside.. it was a study on the different types of fat and why many thin people who appear to be physically fit are actually less fit then some thicker folks. It was an interesting documentary and I would suggest watching it.

127lbs at 5' 9" is a very low weight,

I think this page would disagree with you:
http://woman.thenest.com/healthy-weight-range-59-female-11249.html
The thing is, we could both be wrong and so could the link I posted... I would agree with you that her doctor would be able to make a better assessment of her ideal weight as he would have done an exam. Suffice it to say, she's within the normal range, albeit on the lower side of the range.

If you think that's healthy, I've got news for you.

Not sure what you mean by this..

And the fact that she has already had an eating disorder is another reason why nobody should be trying to persuade her to hyper focus on her body. SMH.

I would tend to agree with you here too... But exercise is almost always a good thing as it raises specific chemicals in the brain that help keep up both good physical health and mental health.
And sugar (Fructose) is almost never good for you, even if you're excessively thin.. its still bad.

Neither of us knows the correct answer here.. I simply pointed out a couple of facts.. I make no suggestions on what she should do other than exercise and stay away from sugars.

 

[LinkH]

Hi! I'm hoping for some insight. My husband has repeatedly told me he'd like me to lose fat on my stomach. I very much wish I could honor this request, but I have two impediments:

1. According to our scale, I weigh 127 pounds. At 5'9”, that puts me at a BMI of just under 19. My doctor has told me several times that I should weigh 135, and that I risk osteoporosis if I weigh lower than that. (I am at a high risk for osteoporosis because I had anorexia in the past (BMI of less than 16), and my periods stopped for more than a year.)

2. I have a persistent knee injury that has made it difficult for me to do muscle-building exercises. Gaining more muscle in my lower body might help my stomach look better, but when I try to do weighted strength exercises, I end up getting more injured. I have gone to physical therapy and am slowly working my way up to this, but it will realistically be a long time before I can gain enough muscle for it to make a big difference in my appearance.

Even light weight lifting is supposed to be good for counteracting osteoporosis. If you go to the gym and there are machines, aren't their exercise machines for thighs and calves that don't put pressure on the knee? Mid-section and upper body exercises aren't going to hurt your knees.

Is your stomach level with your rib cage, protruding out of it, or sunken in? Maybe you could ask someone who knows you if they think your stomach sticks out. Do you think your husband has some rather unusual ideas for what a stomach should look like? 127 at 5'9" does not sound heavy to me. Anorexics see healthy flesh on their thin bodies and think they are fat. Does your husband see things that way when he looks at you? The next time you go to the doctor, you could also ask his or her advice.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

Regardless of what you think of my post, encouraging a woman who is already underweight to lose more weight is incredibly dangerous. Her doctor is the expert, you are not, and you should not dismiss her doctor's advice. There is a rule on CF about not giving medical advice for very good reason. 127lbs at 5' 9" is a very low weight, and that is the reason her periods have stopped. If you think that's healthy, I've got news for you. And the fact that she has already had an eating disorder is another reason why nobody should be trying to persuade her to hyper focus on her body. SMH.

The point was about turning the tables on her husband in finding 'inadequate' (my words) things about his body. Why would this be effective? I don't see anywhere in Murby's response that he said to ignore Dr's advice. If this lady is concerned about BMI needlessly, then she should confirm with her Dr., not her husband, the validity of the concern - especially with a history of an ED.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'd ask him if he married you for your looks or for your heart. Because our bodies are going to not look great as we age. He needs to accept it. Now if you were like obese and 400 pounds, that would be one thing. Really your weight doesn't seem bad at all. Anyways, your doctor is who matters in this, not your husband so to speak.

 

[mkgal1]

Tell him to lose the fat on top of his neck...

This *did* make me laugh.....but I do agree with the idea that "giving a taste of their own medicine" doesn't typically bridge gaps like this (it just ramps things up). It was funny, though (and, unfortunately, true!).

 

[PsychoeDial]

What's your husband's stomach look like?

Hi! I'm hoping for some insight. My husband has repeatedly told me he'd like me to lose fat on my stomach. I very much wish I could honor this request, but I have two impediments:

1. According to our scale, I weigh 127 pounds. At 5'9”, that puts me at a BMI of just under 19. My doctor has told me several times that I should weigh 135, and that I risk osteoporosis if I weigh lower than that. (I am at a high risk for osteoporosis because I had anorexia in the past (BMI of less than 16), and my periods stopped for more than a year.)

2. I have a persistent knee injury that has made it difficult for me to do muscle-building exercises. Gaining more muscle in my lower body might help my stomach look better, but when I try to do weighted strength exercises, I end up getting more injured. I have gone to physical therapy and am slowly working my way up to this, but it will realistically be a long time before I can gain enough muscle for it to make a big difference in my appearance.

In light of this, I have two questions:

1. How should I respond to my husband's dissatisfaction? Stomach fat is a sensitive issue for me, and knowing that he is unhappy with my body (for something that feels beyond my control) makes me feel inadequate, angry, and sad. I am tempted to feel resentful towards my husband. Any Christian advice on how to not have this hurt me so much would be greatly appreciated.

2. Is there anything I can do to improve the appearance of my stomach? I already do a variety of abdominal exercises to target each section, and I do my best to eat healthy. When I asked my husband if I should get surgery, he said “probably not.”

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer! I really appreciate it!

 

[akmom]

Criticizing the body fat of a person with a history of anorexia seems particularly deplorable. If you are not overweight, you shouldn't be losing weight. Nor obsessing about body image at all. Is your husband trying to sabotage you??

I mean, I can't imagine why a person with a BMI of 19 would need to lose fat in order to look better, unless they or their spouse had a very unusual idea of beauty. Are you sure he is not just messing with you?

 

[WolfGate]

This *did* make me laugh.....but I do agree with the idea that "giving a taste of their own medicine" doesn't typically bridge gaps like this (it just ramps things up). It was funny, though (and, unfortunately, true!).

Yeah, you're right. I think you know me well enough to know I wouldn't actually advise someone to escalate a situation like that. It was, truly though, my initial emotional response - so I posted it.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

Shayla - I am so sorry for your hurt and you sound like a loving wife! Welcome to CF!! It's very serious that you mentioned you had "anorexia", and I'm so praying your husband to be more sensitive. I am also praying that the our enemy, the devil, does not get you sucked into this disease again -- assuming our Lord has delivered you from it! Are you in Christian counseling? Were you a Christian when you struggled with the eating disorder in the past? Is your husband a Christian? I think we need more info to give Christian advice!

Concerning the belly fat - the fitness industry/medical community has long ago determined that we CAN'T spot reduce fat, and where it stores itself is largely heredity and very much related to hormones in women. Please don't concern yourself with the scale (as posted earlier BMI is totally bogus), or hurt yourself with excessive ab exercise that may hurt your lower back, and very possibly make your stomach look fatter because the muscles underneath are building.

You haven't said how old you are so I will suggest some generic things, and of course I am not a Dr, and any of this be suggested by google, but following health and fitness trends has been a hobby of mine for 25 years or so, so I do have some painful lessons learned, and much a repeat of Murby above.

1) so sorry for the knee injury - can you consider swimming laps? It's very easy on the joints, feels great, and is a great way to reduce belly fat

2) analyze your diet - you said you eat healthy, but I personally thought that about myself for a really long time, but I was eating a lot of wheat, carbs, and sugar. Wheat can be an inflammatory (cause stomach bloat), and sugar is in everything, and disguised in all sorts of "healthy-looking" .. so read labels and avoid it as much as possible. I found sugar to be the reason I was storing belly fat - and staying away from sugar substitutes and diet coke too - this has been very hard! Generally, if you are having "cravings" you are consuming too much or too little of something (vicious cycle)

So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. 1 cor 10:31

 

[faroukfarouk]

Hi! I'm hoping for some insight. My husband has repeatedly told me he'd like me to lose fat on my stomach. I very much wish I could honor this request, but I have two impediments:

1. According to our scale, I weigh 127 pounds. At 5'9”, that puts me at a BMI of just under 19. My doctor has told me several times that I should weigh 135, and that I risk osteoporosis if I weigh lower than that. (I am at a high risk for osteoporosis because I had anorexia in the past (BMI of less than 16), and my periods stopped for more than a year.)

2. I have a persistent knee injury that has made it difficult for me to do muscle-building exercises. Gaining more muscle in my lower body might help my stomach look better, but when I try to do weighted strength exercises, I end up getting more injured. I have gone to physical therapy and am slowly working my way up to this, but it will realistically be a long time before I can gain enough muscle for it to make a big difference in my appearance.

In light of this, I have two questions:

1. How should I respond to my husband's dissatisfaction? Stomach fat is a sensitive issue for me, and knowing that he is unhappy with my body (for something that feels beyond my control) makes me feel inadequate, angry, and sad. I am tempted to feel resentful towards my husband. Any Christian advice on how to not have this hurt me so much would be greatly appreciated.

2. Is there anything I can do to improve the appearance of my stomach? I already do a variety of abdominal exercises to target each section, and I do my best to eat healthy. When I asked my husband if I should get surgery, he said “probably not.”

Thank you in advance for any help you can offer! I really appreciate it!

I think we need to remember this verse:

"The Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." (1 Samuel 16.7)

If it's a long term issue, maybe your dh would be prepared to pay for your use of the machine in #3, but really it's what's inward and spiritual that really counts; Paul's prayer in Ephesians 3.16 was "that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in the inner man, 17so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith".

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

The first thing you want to do to reduce belly fat is to understand where it comes from and why. Your body stores short term energy as glucose in your muscles, it stores long term energy as fat that is relatively evenly distributed around your body. There are two kinds of fat, visceral and subcutaneous. Visceral is the stuff surrounding your organs, subcutaneous is the stuff you can pinch on the outside of your muscles. When your body goes into its fat burning stage, the visceral fat inside is burned first, it is also the first to be replaced when you go back to storing excess energy.
You can't start burning the subcutaneous stuff until you've mostly depleted your visceral stores.

When you see people with fat mid sections (stomach's) that are disproportionately larger (fatter) than the rest of their body, its because of sugar intake, specifically a sugar called Fructose, which is found in everything from table sugar to processed foods.
When you eat a potato or some other food containing natural sugars (starch and glucose), every cell in your body can burn that glucose for energy... but when you ingest Fructose, the only organ that can metabolize it is you liver, and the only thing your liver can do with it is to turn it into LDL cholesterol (the bad stuff).. When this cholesterol gets absorbed into your blood, it eventually gets converted to fat stores.. (but I forget the mechanism).. Unfortunately, this same transformation sends these specific fats to your mid section..

This is why people who drink lots of beer get the "beer belly".. its because ethanol and the other sugars in beer are processed in much the same way.

So, if you want to loose some belly fat, here's what you need to do:
1. Eliminate all fructose from your diet except that which comes from unprocessed fruit. You'll have to get on internet and learn to recognize how to tell if the foods you're eating have added sugars to them.. but, for the most part, cut out all table sugar (which is 50% glucose/ 50% Fructose) and cut out all processed foods with any added sugars.
2. Drastically cut back on grains and starches. There's a trick of marketing in the food industry where they label "Whole Grains" as being good for you.. The fact is, they are good for you but only if you eat the whole undisturbed grain.. Most "whole grain" foods are ground up into powder which makes it easy for your body to suck out all the sugars from the grains.. This is bad.
3. Engage is medium to low intensity exercise.. Walking is a very good choice. Regardless of the intensity, the longer the duration of the exercise, the better.
4. If your legs are a problem, engage in upper body workouts to build muscle tissue in your arms, chest, back, stomach, etc.
5. ABSOLUTELY no fruit juices.. these are basically fructose cocktails and they're literally toxic. (Ya, all this time we've been told orange juice is healthy.. its not at all healthy and is actually just as bad as a candy bar almost)

Swimming is absolutely one of the best exercises you can do.. even if you're just playing around or tossing a ball.. Water provides huge low impact resistance and burns fat extremely well.

Hope that helps,

Really great stuff Murby - although there does seem to be a lot of evidence for HIIT. I don't want to take from the OP, but do you have an opinion on dairy (what, how much, etc.)

1 tim 4:8
For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.

 

[Murby]

Really great stuff Murby - although there does seem to be a lot of evidence for HIIT. I don't want to take from the OP, but do you have an opinion on dairy (what, how much, etc.)

Ya.. I watched a BBC Horizons Science documentary on the high intensity thing once and they hammered down the science behind it using all the tools at their disposal.. From the CO2 chamber tests to determine BMI, to blood analysis, and there was a lot of promise in the technique of HIIT..
But from what I understood, it was being studied for its potential to supplement regular exercise for those with little time, not completely replace it.

I say eat all the dairy and eggs you want..

 

[mkgal1]

Yeah, you're right. I think you know me well enough to know I wouldn't actually advise someone to escalate a situation like that. It was, truly though, my initial emotional response - so I posted it.

Yes.....I know you well enough to know you weren't truly advising her that. It was my initial emotional response as well