How do I stop being too clingy?

[savvy]

It wasn't like this in the beginning. I hung out with the guy I'm dating a lot, but it wasn't because I was obsessed, it was just something to do beause we both had nothing better going on. But at this point, 7 or 8 months into it, I want to spend as much time as possible together and my irrational brain is telling me he ought to want that too...and when he puts other things ahead of me I get, um, moody and weird.
Logically I know he has to go to work, and classes, or spend time with his family and friends but for instance if he chooses to work a day he wasn't scheduled or asks for more days to work, or spends too many nights with the guys or something I start getting upset. I just don't want to feel that I am last on his list of priorities, that we only hang out when it is convenient for him and nothing else happens to be going on, so its time to call me up. And since he spends so much time doing other stuff we usually see each other late at night when he is sometimes tired.
I feel that sometimes I am justified but it is hard to figure out when I have a real grievance or when I am being overly demanding. I guess I don't think I'm clingy for wanting more daylight hours together, but I am being that way when I get mad that he didn't invite me out with him, or when I expect him to spend the entire day with me.
How often is too often to want to spend time with your SO? Now, I don't feel I need to see him every day, but every other day is my ideal. Also I think he only calls when we've got plans or something, is it clingy for me to want him to call just to see how I am, just to talk? Too much to ask at this point?
In the first few months I think he was the one trying to rush things...saying I love you first, wanting to spend lots of time together. He's talked about how he hopes we'll get married someday, having kids, etc etc. And now when I've started feeling the same way he's slacking off it seems like to me...although I am aware that relationships don't stay hot and heavy like they do in the beginning...I am just so confused.
I don't know how to fix this....I know its not just the relationship; if its in my personality it will be a problem no matter who I date. I think about him a lot. A LOT. I am stressed out in other areas and I think I use him to make myself feel better about things for awhile. My friends work multiple jobs and I am not a social person, so I spend a lot of time alone. I depend on him too much for my emotional needs. I try to focus on other things but it hasn't worked....trying new hobbies, getting a dog....still want him more than anything....

 

[ido]

I'm sorry that you're struggling with knowing the right amount of time to want to be with your boyfriend. It's good that you are aware that it could be your emotional wiring that is causing some of the perceived de-prioritization of your relationship. Have you considered speaking with a counselor to try and identify what causes you to try and get your emotional needs met by your SO? It might help you figure out ways, too, to get your needs met on your own.

As for what is the right amount of time - only a couple can determine that, IMO. Have you sat down with your SO and talked to him about the time you spend together and what your desire is for when/how long you hang out? You can't expect him to know what you want unless you're willing to ask for it. If what you want is more than he is willing/able to give, then you'll need to decide if you're OK with that.

Above all else - pray. Pray that this relationship is the right one and a healthy one for both of you. Pray for wisdom on whether or not this relationship should continue or if you need to back off and work on you for a while instead.

Just my thoughts - hope they help some.

 

[stephanieamber]

I am so going to reply to this when I am at home and can better piece together my words.

 

[deliciousBass]

 

[stephanieamber]

CUTE

 

[Tamara224]

I think what you're describing is perfectly normal, savvy.

Women get to a place where we put the man in our life as our priority and we expect him to do the same with us. We expect that to translate into spending more time with us because as we put them first in our lives we want to spend as much time as possible with them. We think guys will want the same.

The thing is, that men just have a different concept of what it means to put you as their priority. I don't know what the dynamics of your relationship are... but guys often feel like working is a way of showing their women that they love them and want to take care of them. He may be trying to prove something to himself and to you about his abilities.

It may also be that he's gotten used to you being there and is starting to take it for granted a little? I don't know if that's true and wouldn't want to accuse him of that... but it could be that he's just getting a little complacent. Perhaps you could try being a little unavailable for a bit and seeing if he steps it back up?


Sounds to me like you guys have been dating long enough for you to be able to discuss this with him. Let him know that he is a priority to you and you would like to feel like you are a priority to him, too. And tell him how he can do that.

Honestly, guys just don't think the same way we do. It's not fair to get mad at him when he probably has no clue at all that you feel this way.

Not that I don't know exactly what you're talking about. And yes, we gals tend to get a little emotional and "crazy" at times. But that's just part of who we are, and if guys are honest they admit that's part of why they love us. Just because it's an emotional need, doesn't mean it's not a valid need.

 

[savvy]

I think what you're describing is perfectly normal, savvy.

Women get to a place where we put the man in our life as our priority and we expect him to do the same with us. We expect that to translate into spending more time with us because as we put them first in our lives we want to spend as much time as possible with them. We think guys will want the same.

The thing is, that men just have a different concept of what it means to put you as their priority. I don't know what the dynamics of your relationship are... but guys often feel like working is a way of showing their women that they love them and want to take care of them. He may be trying to prove something to himself and to you about his abilities.

It may also be that he's gotten used to you being there and is starting to take it for granted a little? I don't know if that's true and wouldn't want to accuse him of that... but it could be that he's just getting a little complacent. Perhaps you could try being a little unavailable for a bit and seeing if he steps it back up?


Sounds to me like you guys have been dating long enough for you to be able to discuss this with him. Let him know that he is a priority to you and you would like to feel like you are a priority to him, too. And tell him how he can do that.

Honestly, guys just don't think the same way we do. It's not fair to get mad at him when he probably has no clue at all that you feel this way.

Not that I don't know exactly what you're talking about. And yes, we gals tend to get a little emotional and "crazy" at times. But that's just part of who we are, and if guys are honest they admit that's part of why they love us. Just because it's an emotional need, doesn't mean it's not a valid need.

We did talk about it a couple of days ago, so he is aware of how I'm feeling. He says he feels pulled in different directions because his family has been saying the same thing, "you don't spend enough time with us." And he does need money of course.

I guess I've gotten to the point where, yeah, he has become a priority to me. Maybe I just assumed we should be at the same place. And I have been too available, so it would be easy to simply get used to me being around. At any rate, we had no problems at all until about month 6...I suppose I hit a point where I felt like things should be stepped up a notch and he didn't necessarily realize anything would be different. I told him I don't think we are casually dating and I don't want to act like we still are. I want him to be a partner, not just a dinner buddy. He said it was good to talk about it because he didn't want me building up frustration to the point where we reach a serious problem.
So I'll just have to wait and see if he does anything different or if he'll sweep my feelings under the rug.

Thanks for the good advice. Nice to see that maybe some of my concerns appear valid (or normal anyway) and I'm not just a crazy, um, b-word...

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I used to be clingy. What helped me was to not be in a relationship for awhile. Do you have friends that you hang out with? Other activities? I think it is very important for couples (dating/engaged/married) to have other friends and to have a life apart from that person, so to speak. I think that this is very important for healthy relationships. That person shouldn't become your all in all so to speak.

So if that's the case....friend time! Family time! Volunteer! Other activities. It keeps things balanced and keeps the relationship well

 

[Luther073082]

This is definatly something that has to be worked out between a couple. Melissa and I like a lot of eachother as we typically (although sometimes it doesn't work out) try to spend at least 1 hour every day on the phone. On Fridays and Saturdays we usually shoot for more like 3 hours.

However we both usually have something to do if the other person can't talk. That happens and many times we have had to call eachother just to say goodnight.

Now what you need to do is communicate more specifically the time you want to spend together with your boyfriend. You also need to give him some amount of space. If his family is really demanding on his time, and he needs money and is trying to work extra then you have to understand that.

Its hard for me from where I am sitting to determine how reasonable you are being or how reasonable he is being.

Also I have to say from where you are, I don't think you can expect to be priority #1.

 

[latteda]

How often do you guys get to talk and see each other? If you go for awhile between seeing each other or talking, does he indicate that he misses you?

This is a tough one. I don't think that wanting to see him and feel like a priority to him necessarily means that you're clingy. I am very independent, and have been through the eight months (today!) that my boyfriend and I have been dating. However, I admit there are times I feel this way a bit, too...because of the kind of work he does, his schedule isn't set and there are times he's out of town a lot or working in the evenings when I'm off work. During those times, we don't see each other much, and sometimes the only talking we do is a quick phone call late at night to say goodnight. There are other nights when he's been working a lot and all he wants to do is just go home and veg.

I really try my hardest to support him and encourage him in his work and his life outside of me. But he makes it clear to me that he misses me when I can't see him and that he prefers to be with me most of the time so that makes it easier. If he's working close by, I'll go by and hang out with him while he's working and take him his favorite drink or something like that.

However, after awhile of doing things like this (feeling like you're the one showing most of the effort), I know it starts to feel uncomfortable. I agree if it gets to be too difficult you should talk with him about it because otherwise you'll just end up crabby and him not knowing where it's coming from. Trust me...haha. I was there the last couple of weeks and we finally talked about it the other day and I told him that even though I knew it wasn't LOGICAL, I still felt like I wasn't special to him (I didn't say it in that exact way but I got the point across). We've had that talk a couple of times and both times he just wanted me to tell him what he could do that would help. True you don't want to be too clingy, but there might come a time when you need to be honest about what your needs are.

When you do talk about it, I would say try to avoid phrasing that would make it sound like you are being clingy or whiny because otherwise he will probably be offended and want to back off. Maybe approach it as a concern for the health of your relationship or even just say "We haven't been on a date in awhile and it's important to me that we spend time together soon." You don't have to be whiny to get the point across.

I'd say, though, that if he does make it clear that he wants to be with you and enjoys your time together, assume the best of his intentions. Even if you feel the need to tell him you'd like to spend more time together, don't question his intentions or have the attitude of "If you really loved me, you'd spend more time with me/call me more often." If other signs point to your being a priority to him, then he probably doesn't realize that he doesn't make you feel like a priority by the other things he does.