Especially if it's been for a while?
I've been in a church where I made it all the way to the highest levels of leadership yet I was always a misfit. It was a really difficult few years but I find it's really shaken my confidence. It's not all about me, though I'm not perfect, there were factors outside myself that contributed.
What happened for you once you got out? Did you find a church you fitted in? Did you recover from the experience?
This could describe my entire childhood and early adulthood. I never fit in. Once I got out, I didn't go to church anywhere for a long time.
My Journey to Orthodox Christianity:
I was raised Pentecostal. I wanted to believe that the holy scriptures were what they claimed to be, but I had some difficulties, I must admit. It does boil down to the ultimate question of whether God exists or not, and how does one know?
I don't consider what I went through to be a true deconversion. I had been a hard core believer for most of my life and never thought I'd change either. However, when it happened, it was enough for me to post a deconversion testimony on a website for former Christians.
It was heartbreaking for me and I really had a difficult time. I did go through my own dark night of the soul. At the same time, I was also overjoyed with not having to go to church anymore, as I truly lost all sense of church services etc. even being remotely useful or relevant to my life. It all seemed so pointless. I saw this huge disconnect between the Church that the New Testament spoke about and what I was seeing in the Pentecostal, Baptist, and independent Christian churches I had gone to every Sunday and Wednesday of my life.
I didn't consider going to those churches that were considered more 'liberal' because while social justice issues are important, I didn't see the point in calling themselves Christian if they were rejecting the fundamentals of the faith anyway. I figured I could be involved in helping others, be more honest with myself in the process, and sleep in on Sundays. Everything I had ever encountered in Christianity seemed to be well intentioned, but wrong somehow.
I began calling myself a Deist, but I wasn't satisfied with that and started researching other religions and philosophies. I liked Taoism, but I honestly didn't see anything else that I considered worth my time to believe in. I couldn't call myself an atheist because I had a few experiences in my life that made me aware of a spiritual world out there. However, knowing this didn't make finding the truth an easy process, and skeptics had a lot of good questions that I began to examine as my own.
Long story short, I was a jaded and bitter individual. I felt I had good reason to be as I had a lot of negative religious/spiritual experiences. I understand where people are coming from who are angry, because I can relate to an extent. However, my bitterness began to turn into hatred of all things Christian, to the point where I started to see that I was becoming the sort of person I didn't want to be. I didn't like myself at all.
I didn't give up my search though. I read a lot. I sent desperate, pleading prayers out for God (if He even existed) to lead me to the truth. It was coming across Orthodox Christianity on the net that piqued my interest. I thought I knew everything about Christianity- enough to know that all the groups I was familiar with weren't going to cut it for me. I found the only Orthodox book at my local Barnes and Noble and bought the beat up and bent copy of it. I read it, I was cautious about it, I tried to dismiss it (but it kept coming to mind), and I eventually decided that I wanted to go visit an Orthodox church. (This wasn't my first time in an Orthodox Church, and in fact, I decided to visit the same church I had once visited when I was seventeen-roughly twelve years before- for a comparative religions class in college. It had fascinated me to the point it was all I could talk about for at least a week, but I had no desire in those days before the internet was more than a university thing, to look into the faith seriously at that time.)
If I recall correctly, I think it was the Orthodox teaching on hell that really swayed me. Its not the same. I could never buy into the whole Jonathan Edwar
ds Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God thing where God hates everyone and just specifically creates people to torment for eternity. It never rang true. However, reading about what the Orthodox Church believes regarding heaven and hell, it did ring true to me.
I was very reluctant to go back to any sort of church again. The first Sunday my husband (who was agnostic at the time) and I even turned around in the church parking lot and went out for coffee instead. However, we eventually made our way in for Divine Liturgy.
How does one explain to someone else about experiencing the presence of God? All I knew was that it wasn't simply my own emotions wreaking havoc with me- some things come from outside of ourselves- and people who know themselves well can discern this difference. (I was raised Pentecostal and I am rather immune to situations designed to manipulate emotions.) It was like being confronted with all of the answers to my questions after my long search. I knew I had to convert. God was there. Christ is in the Eucharist- which is something I had difficulty accepting as I was raised to accept a very different thing as being the truth- but have certainly experienced beyond a doubt since my Chrismation. Can I prove this to you? No. Were our personal experiences enough to prove it to me and my husband? Yes.
I essentially discovered a Christianity that is an entirely different religion from what I knew before. I had to start over again completely. I couldn't go back to what I thought I knew and believed. I just couldn't. There was something missing there, or I wouldn't have been unhappy enough to leave in the first place. We have the same holy scriptures and belief in the trinity, but everything else is radically different. I somehow knew it was my only chance when I discovered the Orthodox Church.
Except, I personally need the Church. I can't go it alone. I need the liturgy, I need the Eucharist, I need the prayers of the Church, and I especially need all of the sacraments of Christ's Holy Church . I need to go the hospital for what ails me; the ark of our salvation. I need the medicine of immortality.
