Getting married – having seconds thoughts, confused and discouraged

[ING]

Hi all,
Thanks for taking the time to read this message. I truly thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am a 24 year old guy, I finished college a few years back and I have a great job. My fiancé and I have been together for roughly 3.5 years. She is a lovely looking girl, she is cute, her smile literally breaks ice blocks and above all she loves me. We have been engaged for a while now and were planning on getting married in 6 months.
At present we are on a break as we have had lots of little but also huge issues.

Lately we have been arguing about anything and everything. It really seems things get worse by the day. We have had counseling with our pastor but unfortunately other than trying to fix our communication issues, we haven’t really fixed anything.

I am scared to get married because of two things. She does not seem to love my family (she always talks great things about all her family member and I get along with them all but she does not make the effort to have a healthy relationship with my side. I would hate to leave my family completely out of the picture once we are married) and the second reason is that she does not seem to desire to have a relationship with God. We have talked about this dozens of times. She is just not into it! She does not hold God first in her life. She is not into church. She says she reads during the week but I cannot tell her anything else as I instantly feel she’s telling me I am being too religious. Although she’s had a Christian upbringing, her brothers want nothing to do with church or God. I guess her parents failed in that area. I don’t want our kids to go through that

I truly believe that I love her more than myself. I would love to take care of her until we are both old and if God blesses us, to have a family and raise kids the right way.

I am scared I will wake up one day with someone I don’t recognize, maybe to wake up with someone who married me because she did not want to be lonely, because she needed someone to give her kids or because of the money I make or the title I have. I am scared to think that if God is not the center of our relationship, we have at best a couple of years to look forward to.

I really don’t know what to do. I am so confused right now, I am not a social butterfly and do not have many close friends. I feel lonely and already feel (during this short break) that I have lost part of me.

I realize calling off a wedding would be extremely hard on us both but maybe getting married would be a lifetime mistake. I wish I was closer to God during this time. I used to be close and my faith used to be strong. I now feel distant and weak. I want my future family to be successful not in the amount of material positions but successful from God’s point of view.


I have made mistakes but I don’t wanna keep stuffing things up! Sorry for writing such long post. I really need some good advice. How do I hear from God? How do I fix things?



Thanks again,
ING

 

[RobinRedbreast]

I could go through your post and pick out everything I wanted to comment on and do so, but then I realized the best advice is in very few words:

If you aren't sure, don't do it.

It's marriage, not a choice in desserts. You don't just pick one on a whim, and it DOES matter which one you choose.

 

[BobW188]

What does the pastor think?
A possible mitigating circumstance here is that getting ready for a wedding can be very stressful, in my opinion especially for the bride-to-be. Beyond the prospect of being married, there's a tremendous amount of planning that involves an equally tremendous number of decisions, many of them not easy.
But, factoring this out, I'm with Morning Glory. The two issues you bring up are relationship busters. Better a few weeks of heartache now than a lifetime after.
But do get your counselling pastor's opinion.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Agreed. If you aren't sure, hold it off until you are. Don't go into a marriage thinking a problem will get better or she'll change.

 

[FOG]

God should be a part of your relationship. This doesn't mean you two can't get over it, but definitely work on that BEFORE you get married, if y'all decide to.

part of the connection that a husband and wife should have is spiritual. you'd be missing out on one of the best parts of a relationship if you weren't able to talk about "intimate" spiritual things with her. (you know, extremely personal things about hope and fear and God and your spiritual struggles etc..)

At best, I'd say it needs to wait, any sort of doubt going into marriage and there's no point in rushing it.
pray about it as well. one of the best ways to get God into your relationship is... well, prayer.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Yeah, what the others said, do not get married until you are 100 percent sure you're ready. If you can see that the day will never come, then vote with your feet.

I do have to say this though:

her smile literally breaks ice blocks

When I first read that, I misread "smile" as "smell". My jaw dropped and then when I read it again, I got a good laugh out of my mistake

 

[chris414]

You don't want to be kneeling by the altar saying your vows and having the niggling thought of whether your marriage is "right". However, people on CF can give you all the advice on the world but at the end of the day our advice is limited because it is based on only a few paragraphs you have written. Only you can know whether this is a problem serious enough to warrant a postponement of the wedding...

 

[Autumnleaf]

If she doesn't get along with your family you should not be serious about her. If she isn't getting along with God you are setting yourself up for a hard fall for your children. You will raise any you have with her in a divided house where your children will learn Godlessness from their mother. Some of the greatest temptations we face in life are beautiful on the outside and bitter on the inside. In my view this is a trap you'd be better off walking away from.

 

[faerieevaH]

Everyone is nervous before their wedding. That is normal. What you describe are not just nerves, but serious, second thoughts. And you are right to think a second time. You are describing serious issues that will not be solved by being married. If you are argueing about them now, you will be argueing about them after the wedding as well. Breaking of an engagement is extremely difficult. A divorce is, in Christian eyes, almost impossible.

 

[pegatha]

Two things: first, you really seem to want a woman who loves God and loves your family. Second, the woman you're currently with isn't that kind of woman.

It's really going to hurt if you break it off with her now. It's going to hurt even worse if you decide she was the wrong one after several years of marriage and a couple of children.

She's being honest with you. Her heart isn't where your heart is. Can you trust God for the courage to admit that this marriage would be a huge mistake?

 

[Bill_monkey]

My advice is to determine exactly what you require from her and the relationship and what is negotiable. You need to decide how compatible your beliefs are and how compatible you need them to be. That is something that you are unlikely to change in her, but that you must determine.

In terms of the other issues, you need to be clear on what type of relationship you want to have with your family when you are married - this is something that you may want to simply negotiate or it may be a deal breaker depending on whether what is important is that you continue to have a relationship with your family or whether you want her to like your family. Similarily, you should discuss how you would raise your kids - expecially with regard to religion.

Its important to be willing to compromise in any relationship, but sometimes there are things that one is not willing to compromise over. Consider your position on these issues, and know your own mind before being clear on your position to her and figure it out with her whether you can make it work. Relationships require work, but should provide more then the sum of the work involved.