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frigid wife?

Discussion in 'Married Couples' started by photoboy700, Oct 23, 2003.

  1. photoboy700

    photoboy700 New Member

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    i have been married for 1 year and 4 months. my wife and i don't have a good sex life. she does not have a sex drive and could go the rest of her life without it. needless to say i am probably not the greatest lover right now cause we don't have sex very often so it is hard to develop our sex life and get to know each other's bodies. are there any wives here that have struggled with this and what advice does anybody have.

    we talked to other night about our relationship in general and the thing that is missing most is deep meaningful conversations. i know this has something to do with her feeling romantic towards me. but other than that we both agreed that everything else is fine. i care for her and love her as much as i can and she feels that i love her, she just doesn't have romantic tendencies.
     
  2. footballfanatic

    footballfanatic Only John Waye Left

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  3. LadyBird

    LadyBird Dance Me to the End of Love

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    I am not married but I can tell you that women need their emotional needs to be met. If her needs are not being met emotionally, she will not feel close to you thus will not want to do anything because she is lacking that closeness and connection.
     
  4. salsa

    salsa New Member

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    wrote you a personal msg
     
  5. MsAnne

    MsAnne :)

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    For starters, your thread title gives huge insight into many of the problems........... (hint - they may not all be her.)
     
  6. katelyn

    katelyn Senior Veteran

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    I would recommend that you read Intended for Pleasure by Dr. Ed Wheat. It is a Christian book that will help you learn how to make it a more enjoyable experience for both of you.

    Also, since you say that she doesn't feel romantic. I would suggest that you try to find ways to be romantic toward her. Show her how important she is to you - despite the current state of your sex life. She may feel like she is frustrating you or she may feel frustrated since sex is not working out for her. She may feel like something is wrong with her since she doesn't enjoy sex, which would only make her want to do it even less. Help her to feel better about herself and your relationship.

    I also agree with MsAnne about the "frigid wife" title. It kind of sounds like you are putting the blame on her. Don't get me wrong, I think that wives should try to please their husbands...but acting like it's her fault that your sex life is not great is not going to help matters.
     
  7. JillLars

    JillLars It's a Boy! Jace David- Due 1/20/07

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    Is she on birth control? This could be playing a part in it, my sex drive decreased dramatically after I went on birth control. Because of this loss of interest, I began to feel guilty and think that something was wrong with me, conversations about how to fix it only made it worse by adding pressure. Try as hard as possible to create an environment where your wife doesn't feel pressured to perform when she doesn't feel up to it. Knowing you accept her no matter what will be one of the best things you can do for her. I will keep you and your wife in my prayers.
     
  8. photoboy700

    photoboy700 New Member

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    thanks for the advice, i wasn't trying to put blame on my wife. i know some of the blame if not most of the blame is on me, that is why i was wanting other wives who have felt this way give me some advice on things. i appreciate all of the e-mail. the birth control thing is possible. we were both virgins when we got married, but when we were dating it seems as though it was a big temptation for physical contact with each other that we had to deal with.

    i think there are a number of things that just add up. i am just trying to put the pieces together. i feel like i have a 1000 piece puzzle and i have to get them all in the right position before things start turning around. we read 'the act of marriage' by tim lahaye and his wife before we got married. i understand everything in there. it is tricky because every time i do something romantic she feels pressure that i want to have sex and not just show her how much i love her. i love her so much and i serve her in a ton of ways, but we feel like we are best friends instead of lovers. there is just this weird you're my best friend but physical contact is a little weird at times.

    i am trying not to put pressure on her as much as possible. we haven't had sex in probable 50 days. i am planning something really awesome for her birthday in a month, so that should be fun.

    as for being romantic just 2 nights ago she came home from her bible study and i had laid a couple blankets on the living room floor, lite about 50 tealights and had rose petals all over the living room floor. we also had sparkling grape juice, since we don't like the tast of wine. and we watched instead of pressuring her to have sex i gave her a massage and we cuddled and we watched one of her favorite tv shows. then we went to bed. i didn't pressure her into sex, because i just wanted to give her something without asking for it.

    she has also explained to me that she isn't super close with God right now, so i think that has something to do with it. her quiet times aren't as frequent and she hardly prays and she doesn't have another female to totally confide everything in. so there are a lot of factors.

    the frigid wife title was a title in the 'the act of marriage' book that we read together. that is where i got it, i wasn't trying to make her out to look bad. she means the world to me.
     
  9. katelyn

    katelyn Senior Veteran

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    Sorry for jumping to conclusions about the title, I just know I would be really upset if my husband used that term to describe me.

    I can relate to her in that when my husband tries to be romantic (which he's still getting the hang of - we've been married for just over a year), I usually feel pressured and feel like his main goal in doing it is to get me interested in sex. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and it is becoming more clear to me that sex is not always his motive for that. It's just taking time.

    I'm not really too sure what to say about not having sex for 50 days...you are being very understanding. I think my husband would freak out if we went that long without sex! :) To solve the problem of me always feeling pressured, we are thinking about taking a short break from sex (like maybe a week) where we both agree that we are not going to have sex so that I can relax and know that anything kind or romantic that he does during that week is just to be nice, without sex as a motive. I don't know if that would be helpful in your situation, since you've gone so long without sex anyway. But maybe since it wasn't anything openly stated, she still feels pressured every time you do something romantic.

    I wish I could give more advice, but it kind of sounds like she's really the one in need of advice right now. I guess it kind of sounds like she isn't interested in improving your sex life for whatever reason. I hope that she has a change of heart, because if she's not interested in improving it, I don't know if there's much you can do.

    I would say, concentrate on helping her through the rough spiritual time. Maybe once she works on that, it will help things fall into place for improvement in your marriage relationship.
     
  10. chriso

    chriso Regular Member

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    You and your wife need good communication. Try to make her feel special. Sometimes the "little things" we do for our spouses mean so much. Help her out around the house. Give her small little gifts, leave love notes where she will find them. Let her know how much she means to you. The closer she feels to you the more she should want to to intimate. Take her on a surprise date. I would suggest you read the book "The Five Love Languages" By: Gary Chapman. It has some good points on helping your marriage be closer. You should be able to find it at most Christian bookstores. God Bless You and I will be praying for you both.
     
  11. photoboy700

    photoboy700 New Member

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    chriso, thanks for the advice. i totally agree with the good communication and i am working on that a lot lately. that is the #1 thing in my book that needs to happen. the love languages book is a good one. we actually have gone through it twice. i am trying very hard to speak her love languages. anyway, thanks again
     
  12. momluvsjesus

    momluvsjesus Move Mountain!!!

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    All of the advice so far has been really good. I just wanna add that as a wife who used to have the same problem of not wanting sex, there were a few things that changed that for me. First of all, my relationship with Jesus was the main part. When you're filled with the love of the Lord you have enough fuel and love to give to your partner. When you're trying to "build up the desire" in your own strength, sometimes you can sometimes you can't. But with Jesus, I always can! He gives me the strength, the time, the desire, and the willingness. Something else that helped was attending marriage seminars with my pastor and first lady. Does your church offer a marriage ministry? In our monthly seminars I've learned why it's important to minister to my husband sexually. Once I learned that he needs that, and that with out it, he is open to attacks from the enemy...it changed my entire view.
    I hope this helps in some way.
    With God all things are possible...your sex life WILL get better in Jesus' name! :)
     
  13. desi

    desi New Member

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    Men don't drink wine with women for the taste.:blush:
    You might want to occasionally comment on attractive women when you are around her. The insecurity it should cause may open her up more to you.
     
  14. HeatherJay

    HeatherJay Kisser of Boo-Boos

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    If my husband commented on attractive women with the goal of making me insecure, he would find him self sleeping on the couch indefinitely. It's rude and disrespectful and not at all the way a man of God should treat his wife.


    However, the drinking wine thing does have some merit. A little something to help you both loosen up can't hurt. But I think you're on the right path. At least you're working towards a solution and, if you give her some time to get back on track with God, I'll bet she'll come around. And pray for her...ask God to help her open up and come to you willingly, and for help getting your marriage and sex life back on track.

    Love, Heather
     
  15. ceres

    ceres If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. <img src=

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    not too much wine or things won't FUNCTION properly
     
  16. LadyBird

    LadyBird Dance Me to the End of Love

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    Another thing is...when you do little romantic things for her, don't expect anything(sexual) in return. Do it because you want to do something nice for her not because you want something out of it. She eventually will come around. And do NOT do what desi says:



    This will only make her angry...she will not be more attracked to you or open up more...it will only cause problems. And besides, you shouldn't have to do something so awful in order to get your wife's attention...comment on how beautiful she looks...NOT other women! Make her your leading lady not some woman walking down the street. That will only make her trust you less and make her insecure in your marriage...believe me I am a girl and know what that does to a girl when someone does that.
     
  17. BigToe

    BigToe You are my itchy sweater.

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    HAHA, yeah, as a female I can tell you that commenting on other women is definately a TERRIBLE idea. It would backfire horribly and instead of 50 days, you might have to wait 100 more if ever again....

    As a female who doesn't feel romantic feelings towards others (granted my experience is simply in dating relationships, but it could possibly be valid)....I definately felt insecure in the relationship and putting myself on the line in that way was not only scary but kinda embarrassing. Women need to know that you care about them. Maybe tell her that the sex is just a "bonus" to your relationship. Different word choice possibly, but I think you get what I am trying to say. Let her know that is not the reason you are with her but that at times you would like to share that part of yourself with her because you do love her, not because you are in the mood. But the advice of doing something romantic without wanting something in return is important. And not go and "pretend" that you don't want anything in return, because I know sometimes people do things with alterior motives that they keep secret. But HONESTLY do them because you love her and want her to know that you care about her and want to make her happy- NOT because you love her and want her to make you happy. Does what I am saying make sense?
     
    katelyn likes this.
  18. IslandBreeze

    IslandBreeze Caribbean Queen

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    :eek: WOW! Your wife is a very lucky lady. There are a lot of women out there who would appreciate that kind of thoughtfulness and romanticizm from their husands just ONE TIME....If you're going that far out of your way on a regular basis, and she still doesn't respond, I think it's time you see a sex therapist.
     
  19. LadyBird

    LadyBird Dance Me to the End of Love

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    I agree with Cammie...do you that on a regular basis?
     
  20. Hopeful

    Hopeful Active Contributor

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    :clap: lol!
     
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