Friends with different parenting styles

[Jane_Doe]

Seeking advice/experience from the parents out there--

My little girl is now 2, as is my friend's little girl. My friend and I have been really close since high school, long before marriage and kids. But now that we're both parents... is it bad to not want to be friends with someone because of their parenting style?

It's not my friend is an unloving parent... she just enables activities which are not okay in our house. Like I she gives my kid markers and then allows her to run around the house unsupervised. Giving into screaming tantrums (instead of instant discipline). Eating food all over the house instead of at the table. Running around the grocery store and knocking stuff over. Not keeping to bedtimes. Nothing of this is huge... but together they add up enough that I'm going crazy and don't want my daughter to learn these bad behaviors.

Any advice?

 

[Darkhorse]

Keep your friendship, but don't allow situations where her parenting style affects you, your children, your house, your car, etc.

It will require lots of thought and maybe a minimum of time together.

 

[Dave-W]

talk very frankly about this with your friend. Do not discuss how she is with her own daughter, but make it clear that these behaviors are not to be tolerated in YOUR daughter, even at her house.

 

[Odetta]

If you talk, be prepared for that talk to hurt some feelings. She will probably take it as you judging her. Because in essence you are. You're basically saying that the way she parents is not something you want to expose your daughter to. You are perfectly within your rights as a mom to do that, don't get me wrong. But I don't see this conversation going happily.

Honestly, I'd probably not have the talk, but limit the amount of time I spent with your friend and her child to my house only, and therefore my rules apply. When it's food time, make sure everyone sits at the table, for instance. If her child gets up, you and your child keep sitting. If your child tries to follow, you make sure your child keeps to your rules. You do not discipline your friend's child, however. Hopefully she will get the hint by example.

If it becomes too much of an issue for you, then you will need to further limit or eliminate your time with her and her child. It will not go well if you step in and try to teach her how to parent your way.

Also, what you don't know is maybe something is going on with her child. A number of conditions result in behavior issues that are difficult to control. I know from experience.

 

[TheDag]

If you can I would keep the friendship but limit it to public places. I am very much of the belief that whoever's house it is makes the rules. So that means if at your house then it is reasonable for you to instruct your friend's child to follow your rules. Note instruct not discipline. If her child becomes too much of a problem then the only option is to send her home. No time outs or anything as that is not your place. Likewise at your friends place then what she allows is what she allows. Perhaps she is struggling to cope. Perhaps she has a partner who does not help at all. Perhaps she is single and finds it hard to constantly be doing that. Perhaps she had strict parents who were always saying no and doesn't want to be that kind of parent or perhaps she is copying her parents style. I don't know but there could be many different reasons for this and perhaps she needs help. If that is the case what can you do to help?

As I said at the beginning going to public places means you can keep your rules and limit the amount of times you go to public places. If you talk to her then I agree feelings are going to be hurt. It would be important to emphasise that you have chosen a certain style of parenting that works for you and you wish to stick to that.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

talk very frankly about this with your friend. Do not discuss how she is with her own daughter, but make it clear that these behaviors are not to be tolerated in YOUR daughter, even at her house.

If she cusses and hits. Then she should keep her daughter away. But is her friends daughter making a mess, eats anywhere in the house. That's none of her business.

 

[Grateful-Nikki]

My house my rules. if her mothe is there then i say well im not her mommy but u cant do that because im ur mommy and i dont want u too. Worked well with us. And i am way more strict then anybody i know. No whining, no running in stores, no yelling, no hitting. Bed time is bed time. If its time off pc in 5 min its 5 minutes. Period. No running with lollypops markers on the tables. I can go on and on..... My kids get it. They also know that that friends Mom is less strict.... Dont lose a dear friend because of it. They are only 2. That mom is going to start struggling soon woth her kids if she is giving in to tantrums. Shell need a friend. And sometimes being a strict parent is too much, ur kids will love moments with the other mom will it wear off on ur kids. Not really. They will try it out, test u out to see how solid u are on ur rules. But if u stay firm it will stop in less then a day. Besides, they will see this in day care or school or day caml soon. . If ur friend is dear then why lose her.

 

[Murby]

Seeking advice/experience from the parents out there--

My little girl is now 2, as is my friend's little girl. My friend and I have been really close since high school, long before marriage and kids. But now that we're both parents... is it bad to not want to be friends with someone because of their parenting style?

It's not my friend is an unloving parent... she just enables activities which are not okay in our house. Like I she gives my kid markers and then allows her to run around the house unsupervised. Giving into screaming tantrums (instead of instant discipline). Eating food all over the house instead of at the table. Running around the grocery store and knocking stuff over. Not keeping to bedtimes. Nothing of this is huge... but together they add up enough that I'm going crazy and don't want my daughter to learn these bad behaviors.

Any advice?

There are worse things to worry about than rambunctious kids who are raised differently... This is what tolerance is all about.. Do your best to limit the problem and continue on.

 

[akmom]

Two is kind of young. But when she is a little older, you can have a private discussion about what your expectations are versus what other families' expectations are. I tell my kids that it is not our business what rules other families have, unless they're allowing something illegal. (You have to put little disclaimers in there like that, because kids are so literal.) But you can tell your daughter that you expect her to follow YOUR expectations, and to be gracious and respectful of the behaviors other families allow. It's a great opportunity to explain why you think such-and-such is important, and doing so will help your kids appreciate it more.

I do tell my kids that if it becomes a problem, they won't get to play with so-and-so any more. That includes them being openly critical of other families' (perceived) lesser behavior, because that is rude. That seems to do the trick around age 4 and up.

 

[BlessedHeart]

I think you would really regret losing a close friendship over something so minor.

I recommend taking a deep breath and relaxing. If your friend allows the children to have their lunch on the living room floor, so be it, and if she's willing to risk marker drawings on her walls and carpeting, that's her risk to take. Let your daughter enjoy the experience, while continuing to uphold your standards at home. She might prefer the more lax environment, but she will be able to accept that at home, food stays in the kitchen and markers stay on the paper. As long as you remain consistent in enforcing these rules at your house, let your friend deal with the crumbs and marks. The only thing I see as potentially problematic in what you've posted is a lack of appropriate supervision, as you said the kids play with markers unsupervised. If your friend isn't keeping a close eye on the kids, that's a red flag and you should intervene. If that's the case, make sure you always accompany your daughter so you can keep watch, or host your friend's daughter at your home instead of letting your daughter go there. However, if the environment is safe and the children are well supervised, let it go.

I would also encourage you to invite your friend and her daughter to visit your home more often, or to meet in public places that are kid friendly, like Mc Donald's or a park. This will help you remain in charge of your daughter while still letting the children get together, and catching up with your friend. It'll help keep the friendship intact even if you aren't comfortable allowing your child to play alone at the friend's home. It may also really help your friend establish more control at home. Some parents are very lenient simply because they don't know how to assert control. They may lack confidence or fear the child won't like them if they say no. When you get together on neutral ground or your home, you can model your parenting techniques for your friend without saying a word about the issue. This might help your friend better understand how to assert herself and establish rules at home, if she's floundering. Also, it will pave the way to conversation about your expectations as a parent. After your friend has seen you nip a tantrum in the bud, it'll be easier to ask her not to indulge your daughter's tempers.

 

[JAM2b]

Children are going to spend their lifetime encountering different people who live differently and have different standards. I understand the need for consistency and routine for young children, but it needs to be balanced because if children don't ever experience differences or variances, then they don't know how to deal with it when they are suddenly faced with it.

A very important thing I was taught when I had my first baby was to be consistent, but not with rules, only with my words. If I say no, then I mean no. If I say yes, then I mean yes. This allows for change and variation. The example given when I was taught this was dealing with candy at the grocery store check out. Some days the kids have behaved well and its a good time for a snack, so it's OK to let them pick out a candy bar. Other times it may be that they have had more sugar than usual lately, or maybe there is a tight budget, so the appropriate answer is no candy today. Now, obviously there are some rules that are always the same. It is never OK to hurt someone or break the law. But short of harming someone or other people's property, there are very few rules that absolutely always have to be followed.

The world isn't going to come to a screeching halt if a bedtime is missed or a mess is made. People, friendships, are more valuable than rules and routine.

BTW, my favorite pieces of furniture were the ones that were "ruined" with paint or markers. At the times that it happened I was frustrated with my children. But as they grew up I looked at it fondly, remembering that they had fun and a chance to develop creativity. It was a time of their lives that I could experience again so the damage done to the furniture was a very sweet reminder.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Thank you everyone who posted here and helped me see past my frustrations to the bigger picture.

 

[Christian.Parent.of2]

Seeking advice/experience from the parents out there--

My little girl is now 2, as is my friend's little girl. My friend and I have been really close since high school, long before marriage and kids. But now that we're both parents... is it bad to not want to be friends with someone because of their parenting style?

It's not my friend is an unloving parent... she just enables activities which are not okay in our house. Like I she gives my kid markers and then allows her to run around the house unsupervised. Giving into screaming tantrums (instead of instant discipline). Eating food all over the house instead of at the table. Running around the grocery store and knocking stuff over. Not keeping to bedtimes. Nothing of this is huge... but together they add up enough that I'm going crazy and don't want my daughter to learn these bad behaviors.

Any advice?

When your children are still young and teachable, this is the one time in life when you have the greatest influence to help form who your children will be when they grow up. You will help write their future by what you do now. For this reason, you may rightfully hesitate to leave your child under the influence of another parent who has a different philosophical approach to parenting. It's her home, she sets the rules. You don't like her rules, because your desire is for your child to grow up under discipline, and accustomed to restraining themselves against compulsive behavior. Unfortunately, this may drive you to limit your time together because she's not going to adapt to your more disciplined parenting style if she feels comfortable letting her kids behave "natural." There is nothing good that children learn from undisciplined children...