I'm 33 and I've never had a drink of alcohol. In social situations, this often makes me stand out as weird. I typically have to explain my reasons; I don't want to become an alcoholic and my grandfather drunk himself to death.
When someone who is not an alcoholic has to deal with a family member who is, very often the only thing they can do is choose to be teetotal themselves. I did this myself, many years ago. My ex's drinking was way out of control, so I gave up alcohol completely for about seven years or so.
The problem is, this non drinking is not a choice, it is a reaction. It means that your life is controlled by alcoholism, just as your grandfather's was. This is nothing to do with piety.
The day you are free to have one drink, quietly and with friends, safe in the knowledge that you are not your grandfather, is the day you will truly be free from him, and his devastating effect on you.
I drink with my daughter, who is still a teenager. We buy a half bottle of wine, and share it with a meal, usually on a Friday night. I still dilute mine with water. In this way she learns that she is in control, and that drinking in moderation is part of life, and a healthy thing to do. We do this maybe two or three times a year, no more. She hates immoderate drinking, and every time she sees adverts for wine or beer on the television, she says 'b****y alcoholics!' She has a lot of anger against her dad, but no fear of becoming an alcoholic herself.
What is not healthy is to follow the perfectionist line, in anything, imo. I think I would recommend the next time your wife has a drink, you take one tiny sip, swear roundly at your grandfather, and then forget about the whole issue.
I wish you well, and I am not at all surprised that you have had to follow this path, to find your own identity.
