Did husband commit adultery too?

[coolchicka]

Okay, I ended up marrying a divorced man. I married him under peer pressure that was part of it. I found out after I married him that his (then) first wife cheated on him. Anyways after that before there divorce was final he then moved into a apartment with another women himself. He said he wasn't a Christian before he did this but does that still make him a adultrier too?

Sense being in the marriage with him we are 20 years apart I've pretty much hated it the whole time enjoying being with him sometimes more often not though. And how he treats me he hardly shows any real effection or nothing he's called me names too said some pretty cruel things to me.

Well all of this actually drove me to another man myself while being married to him. So basically I committed adultery just looking for someone to treat me right.

It's so bad I just wanna divorce him anyhow most of the times. But I'm in a situation were I have hardly have any family. We both live with my father who says if I want the divorce I gotta move out and I'm never aloud back home ever. Or having any contact with either of them. My mom is dead. And my dad is part at fault of this all having this man move in with us before me and him was even married putting me in the situation.

This man most the time isn't nice to me at all unless I follow all his rules. Now sense having no family at all hardly if we divorce I am never aloud having another man into my life because all of this and just gotta live alone. Or if I ever got into a situation got remarried would god forgive me?? Or would I be living in constant sin even if I repented??

 

[LinkH]

Hi,

I'm sorry you are going through all of this.

If your husband had sex with a woman he wasn't married to way back when, that would have been adultery or fornication, but I don't see what it has to do with your current situation.

I'm wondering if you and your husband have been to any kind of Christian marriage counseling? Would he consider that? What about taking some kind of church marriage class?

Here are some verses that may be of interest to you.

I Corinthians 7
10 To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. 11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
(NIV)

 

[Autumnleaf]

What kind of rules does he expect you to follow? Are they reasonable or not?

 

[DZoolander]

As I remember, your dad brought him in when you were still a minor, and he was doing some creepy stuff like taking compromising photos of you when you were still underage, right?

 

[coolchicka]

As I remember, your dad brought him in when you were still a minor, and he was doing some creepy stuff like taking compromising photos of you when you were still underage, right?

Yes the photo underage part is correct. He moved in here with us August 2009. I turned 18 in 2005. I married him in march 2010 to make everyone else happy I caved to pressure.

After all the church was setting up our wedding free, his friend even paid for our wedding bands, btw he never wears his wedding band, and another bought me my wedding dress. If I backed out I would feel really bad for all everyone was doing.

I mean heck I can't even have a girls night out without him getting all upset saying good I'm going to go out with my friends tonight too.

Saying all I do is hang with friends and not him.. He don't work have a license nothing so besides me working that's the only break away from this man I get besides trying to hang with friends..he even said you hanging with your friends is a form of adultery..

I didn't even wanna marry him or or say those vows. Every time he sees a girl on TV or the internet he says ohh look on the butt on that girl can I trade you in for her?? He has a bunch of photos of different girls on his computer modeling in leather. These are girls from the internet he has saved pictures of not girls he took pictures of.

And on top of it all this is making me lust after different guys other than him. Yes I have committed adultery. But is he innocent I'm having a hard time telling if he is or isn't. And me not having no family support or anything mom died when I was 14 basically it feels good having someone to lean on and sometimes yes that has been a guy I won't lie.

And if we are to divorce I'm just going to admit I'll have a hard time staying single like ur sopose to after committing adultery and I could very well get into another marriage. Then what would I go to hell if that happened would I have to yet again divorce even if I wanted to be faithful on that second marriage ??

 

[DZoolander]

I'm a little confused by your timeline. My understanding by what you've posted before is that your dad moved the guy in when you were still a minor (which is when he was doing creepy photos of you/etc) - but by the timeline you've given above - he's not moved in until you're nearly 22-23.

?

 

[Mayzoo]

I wanted to speak only a small part of your post. Much of his behaviour is inappropriate, but only you are here, so I cannot offer advice for his behaviours.

You are not to blame nor are you responsible for his behaviour. Conversely, he is not to blame for yours. You need to own up to your adultery and lusting after others as a choice you are making. He is not causing this, nor is he responsible for this. You will not change that part of this complicated dynamic if you continue to blame him. When you accept responsibility for those actions, only then you can change them, and those absolutely need to change.

You may not have wanted to say those vows, but the reality is you in fact willingly did. Now your choices, just like every other Christian, are to obey God or not. You are not unique in this aspect of your delima. You must make that choice numerous times a day, just like the rest of us.

Good luck and I will pray for strength for you to obey God.

 

[coolchicka]

I'm a little confused by your timeline. My understanding by what you've posted before is that your dad moved the guy in when you were still a minor (which is when he was doing creepy photos of you/etc) - but by the timeline you've given above - he's not moved in until you're nearly 22-23.

?

Sorry if I made it confusing somehow. I was 21 when he moved in with us. My dad should have never allowed it.

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah, I just checked out your previous post.. You also said you started dating this guy when you were 14 (and he was in his mid 30's) - and that he was taking compromising photos of you at 16....that your father condoned it...etc.

 

[Avniel]

I think you've been in a situation where you were taking advantage of. It's not your fault you were a minor and weren't mentally developed enough to understand. Look at your options if you are in America there are a lot of options for you. The entire situation seems strange.

I can't tell you what to do or what's right, morally I object to telling people to divorce however I understand your desire to divorce. Do you work? Are you educated? Any money saved up? Any children?

 

[PreachersWife2004]

Yeah, I just checked out your previous post.. You also said you started dating this guy when you were 14 (and he was in his mid 30's) - and that he was taking compromising photos of you at 16....that your father condoned it...etc.

I knew there was something weird here. I did a history. She has a TON of posts about this guy from when they were just dating to them being married to now.

The details change every time.

 

[Mayzoo]

I took the time to read your past posts.

According to your posts, it is your dad's fault you posed for risqué photos at the age of 16. It is your church's and huuby's fault you got married. It is your aunt's fault she did not tell you to not lie to her and that you, as a married woman, should not sneak out out of her house to meet another man you were having an affair with. It is your husband and family's fault you had the affair to begin with. It is your husband's fault you currently lust after other men.

Do I understand all this correctly? You cannot fix a problem you cannot define. So far, the only problem I have seen you clearly define is how irresponsible those around you are.

 

[DZoolander]

I took the time to read your past posts.

According to your posts, it is your dad's fault you posed for risqué photos at the age of 16. It is your church's and huuby's fault you got married. It is your aunt's fault she did not tell you to not lie to her and that you, as a married woman, should not sneak out out of her house to meet another man you were having an affair with. It is your husband and family's fault you had the affair to begin with. It is your husband's fault you currently lust after other men.

Do I understand all this correctly? You cannot fix a problem you cannot define. So far, the only problem I have seen you clearly define is how irresponsible those around you are.

Well, that stance does give me a little bit of pause.

First, let me say that her story gives me a number of problems. I'm skeptical about a lot of it - because when someone has a hard time keeping various details straight (or they contradict themselves) - it really puts a great deal of doubt on the veracity of the story itself.

The last thread I saw of hers ended with me saying something to the effect of "my troll alert" is kinda going off.

That being said, however, if we do take some basics of her story to be true (started dating a guy 20 years her senior when she was 14, father was negligent in protecting her from what could only be described as a predator - and in fact kinda promoted it), etc...then I have a hard time telling her that she ought to own up to her own actions in that context.

...especially if the goal of the advice is to make her a "better wife".

If the basics of that story are true - then trying to be a "better wife" to a guy who's arguably a pedophile that's been grooming her since she was 14 years old rubs me the wrong way. If that's true - then that's the last thing she should do. She ought not be worried about "what kind of wife" to be to that guy except for "not his wife". To talk about someone's "obligations" in that context - as if she undertook those vows and gave informed consent - really gives me pause and feels like it would be unjust.

If the story is in any way true - she needs to get out - and the father especially needs a butt kicking for not protecting his daughter and in fact facilitating (what in my mind is) a molester...and she needs some intense therapy.

That all being said - I see one of two possibilities. She's either a (understandably) really disturbed/confused person, or she's a troll.

 

[Mayzoo]

Well, that stance does give me a little bit of pause.

First, let me say that her story gives me a number of problems. I'm skeptical about a lot of it - because when someone has a hard time keeping various details straight (or they contradict themselves) - it really puts a great deal of doubt on the veracity of the story itself.

The last thread I saw of hers ended with me saying something to the effect of "my troll alert" is kinda going off.

That being said, however, if we do take some basics of her story to be true (started dating a guy 20 years her senior when she was 14, father was negligent in protecting her from what could only be described as a predator - and in fact kinda promoted it), etc...then I have a hard time telling her that she ought to own up to her own actions in that context.

...especially if the goal of the advice is to make her a "better wife".

If the basics of that story are true - then trying to be a "better wife" to a guy who's arguably a pedophile that's been grooming her since she was 14 years old rubs me the wrong way. If that's true - then that's the last thing she should do. She ought not be worried about "what kind of wife" to be to that guy except for "not his wife". To talk about someone's "obligations" in that context - as if she undertook those vows and gave informed consent - really gives me pause and feels like it would be unjust.

If the story is in any way true - she needs to get out - and the father especially needs a butt kicking for not protecting his daughter and in fact facilitating (what in my mind is) a molester...and she needs some intense therapy.

That all being said - I see one of two possibilities. She's either a (understandably) really disturbed/confused person, or she's a troll.

According to her past posts, if I understood them, she did not start "dating" this guy until she was 20 and she believed him to be 28 at the time. Later she states he lied about his age. The consistent theme in all her posts; however, is someone else is at least partly to blame for all her poor choices.

When people take that stance, they feel like a helpless victim of life and they feel that everything, including their own choices, is out of their control. Consequently, they make no efforts to make the changes needed to improve their lives since they feel "it is all out of my control."

Of course, the only solution to this is very hard--personal responsibility for ones choices. Accepting the responsibility for both the good and poor choices we make is very liberating, but it can be a scary option for someone who has never done so.

However, it is the only way I know of to stop the chaos and downward spiral of a life completely out of control. It is also the only path to repentance and genuine change. You can not change that which you are not responsible for.

To me, the goal is repentance and genuine change. When those happen, much of the chaos will stop. Once she gets her life under Christ's reign, then she can evaluate her marriage from the proper stance. Getting herself right with Christ should be her priority right now. Until she is right with Christ, odds are any choice she makes about her marriage will be, IMO, the wrong choice.

 

[Inkachu]

I'm sorry, but this man sounds like a creepoid who just wanted to score a young wife to be a trophy on his arm and serve him hand and foot, not be an actual human being. Your dad is just as bad, since he allowed it and even encouraged it.

I would move out and get your own life. Whether you remain married or not is going to be your decision, but I would move out, get a job, and get into counseling for yourself. You're going to need some help climbing out of the cesspool of dysfunction these two men have been holding you in.

 

[DZoolander]

According to her past posts, if I understood them, she did not start "dating" this guy until she was 20 and she believed him to be 28 at the time. Later she states he lied about his age. The consistent theme in all her posts; however, is someone else is at least partly to blame for all her poor choices.

When people take that stance, they feel like a helpless victim of life and they feel that everything, including their own choices, is out of their control. Consequently, they make no efforts to make the changes needed to improve their lives since they feel "it is all out of my control."

Of course, the only solution to this is very hard--personal responsibility for ones choices. Accepting the responsibility for both the good and poor choices we make is very liberating, but it can be a scary option for someone who has never done so.

However, it is the only way I know of to stop the chaos and downward spiral of a life completely out of control. It is also the only path to repentance and genuine change. You can not change that which you are not responsible for.

To me, the goal is repentance and genuine change. When those happen, much of the chaos will stop. Once she gets her life under Christ's reign, then she can evaluate her marriage from the proper stance. Getting herself right with Christ should be her priority right now. Until she is right with Christ, odds are any choice she makes about her marriage will be, IMO, the wrong choice.

Agreed on 99% of that.

Where I get hazy is on the specifics she's provided about the relationship. I haven't done a full history - but based upon the stuff I've read I already see contradictory stuff.

For example - on thread http://www.christianforums.com/t7830679/

Post #5 - she specifically says she started dating the guy at 14 years old - and if that's true (in my mind) that makes the 34+year old dude a predator/pedophile.

But who even knows.

 

[coolchicka]

I took the time to read your past posts.

According to your posts, it is your dad's fault you posed for risqué photos at the age of 16. It is your church's and huuby's fault you got married. It is your aunt's fault she did not tell you to not lie to her and that you, as a married woman, should not sneak out out of her house to meet another man you were having an affair with. It is your husband and family's fault you had the affair to begin with. It is your husband's fault you currently lust after other men.

Do I understand all this correctly? You cannot fix a problem you cannot define. So far, the only problem I have seen you clearly define is how irresponsible those around you are.

So much has happened that I can't even remember anything anymore. Or what happened first in this relationship and marriage.

Yes we was talking before I hit 18 but we didn't officially date til I was 18. Him moving in with us and everyone kept asking when you guys going to get married.

I do remember one situation a long while back when I was 19 or so he used fear to control me from leaving him.

I was hanging with friends on New Years when me and him got into a argument on the phone well one of my friends took the phone from me and started talking to him and they got into a argument on the phone he ended up yelling his address over the speaker phone and they all decided to try to go there to start something with him. I did not go with them.

Later on him the one I'm married to now calls me up later says u could get in trouble u was there leader and they came here trying to hurt me and the people that live upstairs videoed everything too and it's all been turned into the police dept. he said I've got them to cool off for now though.

He claimed sense my group of friends came driving by every night late 2am trying to vandalize and he would stop them every night. When I tried to break up with him once he was like ok but but if something happens around here I won't stop it and u could go to jail.

Eventually I got the courage to go to the police dept to see if there was really a report filed like he had said and there was no report on file.

Now today he seemed upset I was talking to a friend on the phone so he takes off on the bike and says see you later. Ugh why would god put something like this together and I feel so trapped that I got involved with another man. Now I am not aloud having someone else after we divorce. And what about all his women in leather on his computer.. Or about him and his former spouse both committing adultery on each other she did it first but he also did it too and then I married him !!!

 

[coolchicka]

Well, that stance does give me a little bit of pause.

First, let me say that her story gives me a number of problems. I'm skeptical about a lot of it - because when someone has a hard time keeping various details straight (or they contradict themselves) - it really puts a great deal of doubt on the veracity of the story itself.

The last thread I saw of hers ended with me saying something to the effect of "my troll alert" is kinda going off.

That being said, however, if we do take some basics of her story to be true (started dating a guy 20 years her senior when she was 14, father was negligent in protecting her from what could only be described as a predator - and in fact kinda promoted it), etc...then I have a hard time telling her that she ought to own up to her own actions in that context.

...especially if the goal of the advice is to make her a "better wife".

If the basics of that story are true - then trying to be a "better wife" to a guy who's arguably a pedophile that's been grooming her since she was 14 years old rubs me the wrong way. If that's true - then that's the last thing she should do. She ought not be worried about "what kind of wife" to be to that guy except for "not his wife". To talk about someone's "obligations" in that context - as if she undertook those vows and gave informed consent - really gives me pause and feels like it would be unjust.

If the story is in any way true - she needs to get out - and the father especially needs a butt kicking for not protecting his daughter and in fact facilitating (what in my mind is) a molester...and she needs some intense therapy.

That all being said - I see one of two possibilities. She's either a (understandably) really disturbed/confused person, or she's a troll.

What do u want me to do to show proof on my situation. I got proof he took pictures of me at 16 years old I got ahold of a few of the pictures myself. I have my marriage license to prove I got married in 2010. Look I'm to the point were I can't even remember a lot of stuff or how it happened anymore I'm lost in it all myself.

 

[DZoolander]

Then you fall under the disturbed/confused part

Proceed from there.

 

[Mayzoo]

So much has happened that I can't even remember anything anymore. Or what happened first in this relationship and marriage.

Yes we was talking before I hit 18 but we didn't officially date til I was 18. Him moving in with us and everyone kept asking when you guys going to get married.

I do remember one situation a long while back when I was 19 or so he used fear to control me from leaving him.

I was hanging with friends on New Years when me and him got into a argument on the phone well one of my friends took the phone from me and started talking to him and they got into a argument on the phone he ended up yelling his address over the speaker phone and they all decided to try to go there to start something with him. I did not go with them.

Later on him the one I'm married to now calls me up later says u could get in trouble u was there leader and they came here trying to hurt me and the people that live upstairs videoed everything too and it's all been turned into the police dept. he said I've got them to cool off for now though.

He claimed sense my group of friends came driving by every night late 2am trying to vandalize and he would stop them every night. When I tried to break up with him once he was like ok but but if something happens around here I won't stop it and u could go to jail.

Eventually I got the courage to go to the police dept to see if there was really a report filed like he had said and there was no report on file.

Now today he seemed upset I was talking to a friend on the phone so he takes off on the bike and says see you later. Ugh why would god put something like this together and I feel so trapped that I got involved with another man. Now I am not aloud having someone else after we divorce. And what about all his women in leather on his computer.. Or about him and his former spouse both committing adultery on each other she did it first but he also did it too and then I married him !!!

Let's say my husband had an affair and then chose to leave our marriage and the state for a month with the person he was having the affair with. Let's also say he was still lusting after other women. Then let's add to that he is unrepentant because he is choosing to blame me for his actions rather take responsibility for them himself. Let's also add he shows no interest in changing his behavior.

How would I respond? I would be suspicious of his future actions especially when those actions are talking with "friends" and expecting free reign to do whatever he pleased without me or any accountability.

Some of your husband's behavior is unacceptable. However, some of his behavior is completely normal given your affair, your lustng after other men and your lack of repentance for either of those. His lack of trust in you and your decisions is the price you must pay for your behavior and lack of changing that behavior. It a also perfectly normal for there to be a great of tension and fighting over you wanting to be able to do as you please without accountability. You transgressed big time and have not repented or changed. Now you are upset that he does not trust you and he gets cranky when you want talk to whomever you wish and go wherever you wish. His crankiness, IMO, is perfectly normal.