Christian widowhood and celibacy

[ThyLovingkindness]

As some of you have read, I'm new here... and, I've been a widow for over 8 years. For the last couple of those years I've contemplated meeting someone else, but there's a part of me that feels like I'd be cheating on my late-husband, because he was wonderful.

When first widowed, I was lonely and I did date a couple of guys, yet I'd find myself disinterested and would begin to miss my late-husband again! So, after about 4 months of that, I made a decision to make Jesus my husband. And along with this came celibacy, not to mention church fellowship and involvement, study of scripture, writing Christian poetry, and the like.

My celibacy lasted for 7 years, and 2 years' ago I met a man who was potentially all wrong for me. He pursued me for about a year, and while I struggled to keep the mutual attraction at bay, I finally caved, and we saw each other on and off for about a year. I was backslidden. Several months ago I ended the liaison and repented, a gracious God has forgiven me, and this person and I have gone our separate ways. Because I once again discovered that to go outside the boundaries of marriage for physical involvement was and is painful, I'm back on track as far as being that celibate widow.

Being a celibate Christian isn't easy. I lost my husband when I was 51 years' old, and I'm not even 60 yet. It's seems the logical, not to mention Biblical solution would be to remarry. I'm not sure that's an option. You see, I've been blessed with a certain independence now that I'm single. And to date, God hasn't brought another Christian man into my life. Regardless of how lonely being widowed can be at times, especially around holidays or anniversary dates, etc., I'm inclined to abide by God's will. While sometimes His will seems reclusive, it sure beats the alternative of making ultimately painful choices, some of which we either learn from, or we don't.

So as far as dating, which one is preferable for a Christian widow, or widower for that matter? Remaining celibate? Or not? I realize that there are no black-and-white answers to the preceding questions; that said, I'm open to others' thoughts. Thanks and blessings!

 

[blackribbon]

I was 43 when I was widowed...and being celibate definitely isn't an easy thing to swallow. However, I do feel there is the potential for so much more pain by making any other choices...we tend to give away pieces of our hearts when we enter into intimate relationships and I don't know that my patched together heart can stand to lose any more pieces. I'm also not ready to enter into the world of mix-and-match sexually transmitted diseases (many aren't prevented by condoms after all).

No answers...nothing seems like a good option either. So I guess celibacy is my life now whether or not I like it.

 

[Rememberme]

Dear Thylovingkindness I am newly widowed so of course my heart is still in deep pain.I don't think I could find anyone as patient as my husband was and the other reason would be I could not take a chance of watching another suffer again.Heart wretching, as you know.I think I am waiting for my white horse to come (Jesus) and sweep me off my feet.If I was to date the person would be on the same page as far as sex before marriage.I highly doubt I want to go that route though.Paul talked about if you burn then it's better to marry.Not burning if you know what I mean.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

I was 43 when I was widowed...and being celibate definitely isn't an easy thing to swallow. However, I do feel there is the potential for so much more pain by making any other choices...we tend to give away pieces of our hearts when we enter into intimate relationships and I don't know that my patched together heart can stand to lose any more pieces. I'm also not ready to enter into the world of mix-and-match sexually transmitted diseases (many aren't prevented by condoms after all).

No answers...nothing seems like a good option either. So I guess celibacy is my life now whether or not I like it.

Hi blackribbon, I can't imagine being with another man either, I sure do identify with what you said about the heart issue. And yeah, it is strange out there, how would I say... a lack of ethics? I'm finding that I have to pray much and be sure to don my armor... thanks for commenting... blessings!

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Dear Thylovingkindness I am newly widowed so of course my heart is still in deep pain.I don't think I could find anyone as patient as my husband was and the other reason would be I could not take a chance of watching another suffer again.Heart wretching, as you know.I think I am waiting for my white horse to come (Jesus) and sweep me off my feet.If I was to date the person would be on the same page as far as sex before marriage.I highly doubt I want to go that route though.Paul talked about if you burn then it's better to marry.Not burning if you know what I mean.

Hi Rememberme, I'm truly sorry for your recent loss. My husband was patient as well. I also relate to what you said about having to watch someone suffer again. And in the interim and until we get to heaven, Jesus is right here, around and within those who believe. As far as the sexual thing, it's better to abstain, this was discovered by testing the waters... and the living water is much preferred,

"He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water." John 7:38

That's great scripture from 1 Corinthians 7:8-9,

8 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I.

9 But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.

Thanks and blessings!

 

[Christianwidow]

What a blessing it has been to read the comments on this particular post. There is much wisdom in the responses. I believe I am the oldest widow on this particular post, and I praise the Lord for all of your longing to do what is right despite the flesh. How refreshing that is in a generation that seeks to please self. May we, as widows, stand firm in what we know is right to do. And yes, I too am "Looking for that blessed hope, and the glorious appearing of the great God and our Savior Jesus Christ." Titus 2:13

Christian Widow

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Hi there Christianwidow, how are you this morning?

Hopefully in this widow/widower venue on CF we may help one another, and even though I've been a widow for awhile I benefit from fellowship with others in the same situation, regardless, or indeed especially because, of their length of time of having lost a spouse. I by no means have a handle on this thing, it is day by day, and with regard to your verse reference in Titus, sometimes I wish the Lord would lift me up and away from this world now... yet I keep waking up each morning, so clearly He has other plans for my life.

Also, Jesus says not to worry about the morrow; and yet, being a widow with no children is a huge responsibility... being a good steward with money, managing a household, along with church activities, and praying/setting an example for the disinterested who aren't saved... I'm amazed that God has thus empowered, it's by His grace alone that I'm here today to share this with you and others.

Ahhh well... I'm off to church in an hour, better scoot, thanks very much for your post, blessings!

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

...meant to quote you, Christianwidow... not sure why that didn't occur.

 

[hopetoheal]

Really well put Thylovingkindness. Thanks for sharing and may God help us all to find HIS will and to submit to HIM.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Really well put Thylovingkindness. Thanks for sharing and may God help us all to find HIS will and to submit to HIM.

Amen sis!

Hi ho, hi ho...
it's off to church I go
to worship Christ
and repent of vice
hi ho, hi ho hi ho hi ho...

Thanks for stopping by hopetoheal, blessings!

 

[hopetoheal]

Very cute!
(I just got back from Church on the East Coast)
God bless

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Very cute!
(I just got back from Church on the East Coast)
God bless

Hi hopetoheal, glad you got to church. Yeah, it's been a fulfilling day. Church, then went to do some laps at the pool. While there, I got a chance to talk with a woman whose situation caused me concern and reminded me that I'm blessed; I want to help her. Honestly, sometimes I feel undeserving, yet for some reason this scripture comes to mind,

Luke 12:46-48
46 The lord of that servant will come in a day when he looketh not for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in sunder, and will appoint him his portion with the unbelievers.

47 And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes.

48 But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.

There's a multitude that needs prayer
and who are just plain unaware
of the accuser's spiritual warfare
it is they for whom we should care
those unsaved souls everywhere
it's incumbent upon us to share
and to let them know Jesus is there
sacrificial Love beyond compare.

Thanks for putting up with my long answer to your post... glad you stopped by again, blessings!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I've been a widow for 7 years now and I understand how you feel. I have had no relationships since my husband passed for various reasons. First it was because of my kids, because my oldest who was almost 11 at the time his dad died, said to me shortly after he passed "I don't care if you get married again but he's not going to be MY dad!" to which I responded by telling him I was not looking for a replacement dad for him so he didn't need to worry about that. So first I thought I just need to raise my kids and not have any of the conflicts that come with step-dads. I know because I had a step mom and I also was a step mom.
Secondly I haven't been in a relationship because I wasn't ready and I still feel married. Also I was afraid that I would succumb to sexual advances even though that is NOT what I want if I ever get in a relationship again. I want to wait until marriage, but I am afraid that even alot of Christian men don't hold this view. I personally think I would be best suited with a widower because I feel he would be able to relate to the fact that I still love my husband and not be jealous I likewise I would understand.
But lastly I have not been in a relationship because there has been no one that has come around that even asked me for a date or anyone that I would be interested in.
So I'm not sure what God's plan is for me in that regard. I would love to be able to experience another relationship but am terrified of it at the same time. So I don't think about it much and just try to do the best I can with the life I have been given.

 

[hopetoheal]

Thanks for the poem and the prayer request. I don't know what made you feel the way you do about the woman at the pool, but from your intuitions, it sounds like she's in spiritual trouble. I'll pray for her. BTW- I was thinking about your post about whether to get remarried or let Jesus be our husband a lot. I'm led to reflecting on the scriptures from I COR 7 about marriage v singleness. It seems to me that both states are equally good in God's sight, but some have the gift of marriage and others the gift of singleness (which of course must be chaste). I feel like you that I was SOOOOOO in love with my husband that I can't even consider getting remarried to someone else at least not this soon. But, I'm praying that God will help me seek HIS will because, I don't want to resist His grace if he wants me to be remarried. In other words, even if I don't do anything promiscuous, I still might "wax wanton"-- meaning obsess over getting remarried. When and if that happens, I want to seek the right one in God's way. I have met a few godly men on the internet-- and in fact that is how I met my husband in the first place. I don't want to defraud anyone, but I just pray for the grace not to be led only by emotions and shut the door to the Lord's plans. I don't have any answers, but I'm trying to work out my salvation with fear and trembling in this new (and unwanted) state of widowhood. God bless.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Thanks for the poem and the prayer request. I don't know what made you feel the way you do about the woman at the pool, but from your intuitions, it sounds like she's in spiritual trouble. I'll pray for her. BTW- I was thinking about your post about whether to get remarried or let Jesus be our husband a lot. I'm led to reflecting on the scriptures from I COR 7 about marriage v singleness. It seems to me that both states are equally good in God's sight, but some have the gift of marriage and others the gift of singleness (which of course must be chaste). I feel like you that I was SOOOOOO in love with my husband that I can't even consider getting remarried to someone else at least not this soon. But, I'm praying that God will help me seek HIS will because, I don't want to resist His grace if he wants me to be remarried. In other words, even if I don't do anything promiscuous, I still might "wax wanton"-- meaning obsess over getting remarried. When and if that happens, I want to seek the right one in God's way. I have met a few godly men on the internet-- and in fact that is how I met my husband in the first place. I don't want to defraud anyone, but I just pray for the grace not to be led only by emotions and shut the door to the Lord's plans. I don't have any answers, but I'm trying to work out my salvation with fear and trembling in this new (and unwanted) state of widowhood. God bless.

Hi hopetoheal, if you are indeed a new widow, then my hope is that you allow time to grieve prior to engaging a potential partner. Perhaps you might find or have already found fellowship with other Christian women, similar to those, senior or otherwise, married or not, who aided me in the early months and years. Pastoral counsel helped also.

When I was first single, I dated right away two different men (one was my late-husand's acquaintance) because loneliness was the motivator, and it wasn't the right time. Shortly thereafter I realized that Jesus is my husband, with this being God's will for me for quite awhile.

I will not lie; it hasn't been easy! But again, it sure beats the alternative.

And now, I'm at that point where I'd like to be with a man; and while I blew it already as I mentioned earlier, I learned once again that as a Christian (this pertains to unbelievers too), not to strive for a mate. One thing I've witnessed more than once has been a decent and kind Christian woman meeting someone online and remarrying, only to divorce maybe a year or two later because that matrimony was based on reasons such as unresolved personal issues; loneliness bordering on desperation; fear of growing old alone, etc. Becoming isolated can really mess with our minds too.

Of course folks must learn from their own experiences, with the inherent ability to make decisions; but, if I can pass something along... those of you who really want a Christian partner, take it to God... His Word, in prayer, not forsaking fellowship... abide in His will. I say this just as much to myself as to the reader.

Thanks for the post, it inspired me to write (obviously), blessings!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Of course folks must learn from their own experiences, with the inherent ability to make decisions; but, if I can pass something along... those of you who really want a Christian partner, take it to God... His Word, in prayer, not forsaking fellowship... abide in His will. I say this just as much to myself as to the reader.

Thanks for the post, it inspired me to write (obviously), blessings!

I totally agree! Also I think we should be content (or at some point find contentment) in whatever situation we find ourselves in as Paul said in Phil 4:11.

I don't necessarily mean this for new widows because the pain is so new and raw, but in time I think we can get there. I have learned that I will take what God gives me even if its bad because He can turn even bad into good and He knows what His plan is for me and I don't. So I trust in Him. One of my good friends says "Trust and obey, it's the only way" and it is quite true, at least for me.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

I've been a widow for 7 years now and I understand how you feel. I have had no relationships since my husband passed for various reasons. First it was because of my kids, because my oldest who was almost 11 at the time his dad died, said to me shortly after he passed "I don't care if you get married again but he's not going to be MY dad!" to which I responded by telling him I was not looking for a replacement dad for him so he didn't need to worry about that. So first I thought I just need to raise my kids and not have any of the conflicts that come with step-dads. I know because I had a step mom and I also was a step mom.
Secondly I haven't been in a relationship because I wasn't ready and I still feel married. Also I was afraid that I would succumb to sexual advances even though that is NOT what I want if I ever get in a relationship again. I want to wait until marriage, but I am afraid that even alot of Christian men don't hold this view. I personally think I would be best suited with a widower because I feel he would be able to relate to the fact that I still love my husband and not be jealous I likewise I would understand.
But lastly I have not been in a relationship because there has been no one that has come around that even asked me for a date or anyone that I would be interested in.
So I'm not sure what God's plan is for me in that regard. I would love to be able to experience another relationship but am terrified of it at the same time. So I don't think about it much and just try to do the best I can with the life I have been given.

Hi Michelle, your comment seemed to pop up after I answered hopetoheal, glad you stopped by. You know, I've never had children, although having been married and technically widowed twice, according to my brother, who's also been a pastor for many years. (I was married another time at a very early age, and this young man and I were separated at the time of his death.)

I still feel married to my 2nd husband also, he provided for me in a way that it's as if he's still here, I'm with you on that one. I also agree with your stance on Christian men, and not to get off on a tangent, but it's factual that Christian men fall prey to internet inappropriate content in the same way that unbelieving men do. I guess what I'm saying is that being with one man for awhile, and then commencing upon being celibate, has rendered me somewhat naive. In wanting to establish friendships with believers on another Christian site for example, it's as if internet access has replaced real-time, male/female relationships. Wow. Now my intent isn't to be sexist, these are my humble opinions and I could be wrong... but still, it's likely that women have fallen prey to internet inappropriate content as well.

I've contemplated being with a widower too, those were some of my earlier thoughts, that this scenario would be complementary to me. But God's will, not mine, be done.

Michelle, no one will replace my late-husband, he was decent, my best friend, stable, wise... well-liked by his colleagues and our neighbors, it's as if at times I lurked in his shadow; if anyone were to replace him, he'd have to be special. And once more, it's up to the Lord, my main Man.

Yeah, I also recognize being afraid of a new relationship! Just feeling attracted to someone is daunting!

I've been helped tremendously by the posts I answered this morning, all the while sipping at a warm cup of coffee. Thank you and blessings!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hi Michelle, your comment seemed to pop up after I answered hopetoheal, glad you stopped by. You know, I've never had children, although having been married and technically widowed twice, according to my brother, who's also been a pastor for many years. (I was married another time at a very early age, and this young man and I were separated at the time of his death.)

I still feel married to my 2nd husband also, he provided for me in a way that it's as if he's still here, I'm with you on that one. I also agree with your stance on Christian men, and not to get off on a tangent, but it's factual that Christian men fall prey to internet inappropriate content in the same way that unbelieving men do. I guess what I'm saying is that being with one man for awhile, and then commencing upon being celibate, has rendered me somewhat naive. In wanting to establish friendships with believers on another Christian site for example, it's as if internet access has replaced real-time, male/female relationships. Wow. Now my intent isn't to be sexist, these are my humble opinions and I could be wrong... but still, it's likely that women have fallen prey to internet inappropriate content as well.

I've contemplated being with a widower too, those were some of my earlier thoughts, that this scenario would be complementary to me. But God's will, not mine, be done.

Michelle, no one will replace my late-husband, he was decent, my best friend, stable, wise... well-liked by his colleagues and our neighbors, it's as if at times I lurked in his shadow; if anyone were to replace him, he'd have to be special. And once more, it's up to the Lord, my main Man.

Yeah, I also recognize being afraid of a new relationship! Just feeling attracted to someone is daunting!

I've been helped tremendously by the posts I answered this morning, all the while sipping at a warm cup of coffee. Thank you and blessings!

BBM My thing is, IF someone were interested in me, my first thought would be "how do I know they aren't a serial killer" (no kdding) and then I would think "what do they want FROM me?" It's like it would be unbelievable to me that someone would be interested in me even though I think I would be a pretty awesome catch lol. I am just SO untrusting in this world we live in so God would definitely have to be in it and SHOW me. But he did that with my husband. I didn't know if I wanted to be with him or not mainly cuz he had kids and I prayed about it and asked God if it was HIS will to give me the feelings to go along with it. He did and we were happily married for almost 25 years when he passed.

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

Of course folks must learn from their own experiences, with the inherent ability to make decisions; but, if I can pass something along... those of you who really want a Christian partner, take it to God... His Word, in prayer, not forsaking fellowship... abide in His will. I say this just as much to myself as to the reader.

Thanks for the post, it inspired me to write (obviously), blessings!

I totally agree! Also I think we should be content (or at some point find contentment) in whatever situation we find ourselves in as Paul said in Phil 4:11.

I don't necessarily mean this for new widows because the pain is so new and raw, but in time I think we can get there. I have learned that I will take what God gives me even if its bad because He can turn even bad into good and He knows what His plan is for me and I don't. So I trust in Him. One of my good friends says "Trust and obey, it's the only way" and it is quite true, at least for me.

Amen Michelle, Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11, right on! Also, thanks for that scripture in Philippians; I'm loving this, here's another good one,

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." 1 Corinthians 10:13

Indeed, the new widows and widowers are very precious... although it's been awhile, I remember the experience like it was yesterday, and the pain does diminish. In the meantime, may we comfort those in the way that we've been comforted of God. Blessings!

 

[ThyLovingkindness]

BBM My thing is, IF someone were interested in me, my first thought would be "how do I know they aren't a serial killer" (no kdding) and then I would think "what do they want FROM me?" It's like it would be unbelievable to me that someone would be interested in me even though I think I would be a pretty awesome catch lol. I am just SO untrusting in this world we live in so God would definitely have to be in it and SHOW me. But he did that with my husband. I didn't know if I wanted to be with him or not mainly cuz he had kids and I prayed about it and asked God if it was HIS will to give me the feelings to go along with it. He did and we were happily married for almost 25 years when he passed.

Hahahaha about the serial killer, it's true, baggage galore... hey, I lug a little of that myself sister!

I also harbor similar fears about a man wanting something from me, and with good reason. Indeed, we have to be careful... it's a jungle out there. I find that putting on that full armour is the solution... even though occasionally it's trying, having to be on guard 24/7 and all.

You know, as far as your initial doubt with regard to your late-husband, I was doubtful too... but it became clear that he was the one. I loved him, and he did me. When that kind of bond transpires in a world where we're unaware of what tomorrow may bring, the brand of liaison where I just knew... meaning, I trusted him, with no second-guessing, no ignoring of red flags because there were none. I'm blessed to have had that experience.

How great that you enjoyed a long, wonderful marriage. Although my marriage was of shorter duration, it's depth was notable. Blessings!