After reading enough threads on here I'm happy to report that soon I will no longer be single. In fact, I think marriage is right around the corner because I've read all the wonderful advice on here and unlocked the secrets to everlasting love and romance. I'll condense it down to one thread here so everyone can print off a copy and carry it in their pocket so they can use it to meet that special someone:
1. All women nag. However, this is only because men are lazy and stupid. If you're female then start pestering those around you to be more efficient. If you're male then just sit back, grab a beer (or grape juice if you're me) and practice learning to tune it out and start making excuses. I find Katy Perry is great to practice to if you need to learn the art of tuning out horrible things.
2. If you have ever had a bad experience with the opposite sex then it's best to assume they're all evil and stay single forever. After all, one person is pretty much indicative of the entire 3 billion members of one gender so you're not missing anything. Also, be sure to be extra bitter and judgmental. I think the Bible commands it somewhere but I'm too lazy to look it up (only because I haven't been nagged yet to do so, so see #1 above).
3. All men want is sex. If you possess a Y chromosome then be sure to only look at a woman's body and nothing else. After all, who needs a beautiful mind and soul when she looks hot, right?
4. All women are cheaters. If you don't possess a Y chromosome then be sure to use men to get what you want and then dump them for someone else. After all, all they want is your body so just keep them guessing and make them pay for dinner.
5. Happy relationships are a myth, so just pretend to love someone. I recommend studying the acting of great thespians like Samuel L. Jackson so you can learn to say "I love you" in a convincing and sincere manner. And wield a purple lightsaber.
6. Men shouldn't be open or have emotions. If you start crying during romantic movies like Aliens and Army of Darkness then prepare to be single for life and have other men make fun of you. I know I will.
7. Women are too emotional. Remember women: if you don't cry at every little thing then you'll wind up alone and sad, which will lead to more crying and maybe a man. (Cue "The Circle of Life")
8. Signing up for dating sites is a great way to meet people. However, your profile should include poor spelling, a fuzzy picture, and cliche wants and needs. Showing the real you should NEVER be the main focus. See #5 for more details.
9. All men are wrong.
10. All women are wrong.
Well, that's a quick summary of Thunder Peel's Guide to Attracting a Mate and Living a Happy and Mediocre Love Life That Will Impress Your Friends and Probably Leave You Feeling More Empty Than Eating at Perkins and Using the Bathroom Afterward. I expect to see plenty of engagement announcements by the end of the week!
1. All women nag. However, this is only because men are lazy and stupid. If you're female then start pestering those around you to be more efficient. If you're male then just sit back, grab a beer (or grape juice if you're me) and practice learning to tune it out and start making excuses. I find Katy Perry is great to practice to if you need to learn the art of tuning out horrible things.
2. If you have ever had a bad experience with the opposite sex then it's best to assume they're all evil and stay single forever. After all, one person is pretty much indicative of the entire 3 billion members of one gender so you're not missing anything. Also, be sure to be extra bitter and judgmental. I think the Bible commands it somewhere but I'm too lazy to look it up (only because I haven't been nagged yet to do so, so see #1 above).
3. All men want is sex. If you possess a Y chromosome then be sure to only look at a woman's body and nothing else. After all, who needs a beautiful mind and soul when she looks hot, right?
4. All women are cheaters. If you don't possess a Y chromosome then be sure to use men to get what you want and then dump them for someone else. After all, all they want is your body so just keep them guessing and make them pay for dinner.
5. Happy relationships are a myth, so just pretend to love someone. I recommend studying the acting of great thespians like Samuel L. Jackson so you can learn to say "I love you" in a convincing and sincere manner. And wield a purple lightsaber.
6. Men shouldn't be open or have emotions. If you start crying during romantic movies like Aliens and Army of Darkness then prepare to be single for life and have other men make fun of you. I know I will.
7. Women are too emotional. Remember women: if you don't cry at every little thing then you'll wind up alone and sad, which will lead to more crying and maybe a man. (Cue "The Circle of Life")
8. Signing up for dating sites is a great way to meet people. However, your profile should include poor spelling, a fuzzy picture, and cliche wants and needs. Showing the real you should NEVER be the main focus. See #5 for more details.
9. All men are wrong.
10. All women are wrong.
Well, that's a quick summary of Thunder Peel's Guide to Attracting a Mate and Living a Happy and Mediocre Love Life That Will Impress Your Friends and Probably Leave You Feeling More Empty Than Eating at Perkins and Using the Bathroom Afterward. I expect to see plenty of engagement announcements by the end of the week!
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