Hello,
I wonder if you might help me work out this for me? A little background first, so bear with me as its relevant.
Hugely influenced by Buddhism for many years, I mean decades - I had an experience that dictated I started to develop a faith in Christ. I won't go into the details, but it was a very simple openness to the possibility that I can be heard by Christ and as such I started to feel 'held' (emotionally and mentally). You have to realise, this was so far removed from the deep immersion in Buddhist philosophy (Madhyamika Prasangika if you're interested) and as such my subsequent view of reality - I still maintain that this particular school of Buddhism corners the non-dual approach. But anyway, none of that seemed anything more than a conceptual understanding, my mind and heart had given up and was leaning into this new feeling of 'faith'.
It was as if I was starting to see the world though eyes I had not used before. It was liberating and exciting. A much more relaxed approach to the inherent anxieties that we experience as humans.
However, there's always a 'but' isn't there! Of late, I have started to have some real doubts. The very 'faith' that I was experiencing, the positivity, the warmth and lack of anxiety has been replaced with an almost aggressive attitude to my previously new thinking style. Here's a breakdown of how I am thinking now - your help unpicking this would be gratefully received.
Anyway, you get the gist, but here's the thing. I am STILL feeling a nagging compulsion to give in, read the Bible, Pray to God etc..... Its really irritating me now, as exactly 50% of me is erring on the side of my thoughts are merely a desperate attempt to quash my existential fears....and 50% s=telling me its the Holy Spirit.
Thanks for reading.
I wonder if you might help me work out this for me? A little background first, so bear with me as its relevant.
Hugely influenced by Buddhism for many years, I mean decades - I had an experience that dictated I started to develop a faith in Christ. I won't go into the details, but it was a very simple openness to the possibility that I can be heard by Christ and as such I started to feel 'held' (emotionally and mentally). You have to realise, this was so far removed from the deep immersion in Buddhist philosophy (Madhyamika Prasangika if you're interested) and as such my subsequent view of reality - I still maintain that this particular school of Buddhism corners the non-dual approach. But anyway, none of that seemed anything more than a conceptual understanding, my mind and heart had given up and was leaning into this new feeling of 'faith'.
It was as if I was starting to see the world though eyes I had not used before. It was liberating and exciting. A much more relaxed approach to the inherent anxieties that we experience as humans.
However, there's always a 'but' isn't there! Of late, I have started to have some real doubts. The very 'faith' that I was experiencing, the positivity, the warmth and lack of anxiety has been replaced with an almost aggressive attitude to my previously new thinking style. Here's a breakdown of how I am thinking now - your help unpicking this would be gratefully received.
"...how could I be so naïve to believe? I mean, Christ was likely a profoundly empathic and altruistic man, but his teachings and advice has been turned into a machine with agendas often different from his initial agenda. The problem of evil is also too much of a thorn to be ignored. The arguments justifying why the old woman was robbed having been a humble Christian all her life, and the thief merely enjoying the fruits of his act simply just don't cut it any more... There's another thing, why would a kind and compassionate being not step in to assist their children when required? Not just once but all the time. If I saw my child go near a fire, I would IMMEDIATELY step in to stop them. If it happened again I wouldn't merely say 'well you have been told already that's dangerous' and leave them to be harmed.....its also so arrogant of me to assume that my experience as a budding Christian is unique to it being Christian, does that mean all other faiths are fundamentally wrong - that's pathologically arrogant....."
Anyway, you get the gist, but here's the thing. I am STILL feeling a nagging compulsion to give in, read the Bible, Pray to God etc..... Its really irritating me now, as exactly 50% of me is erring on the side of my thoughts are merely a desperate attempt to quash my existential fears....and 50% s=telling me its the Holy Spirit.
Thanks for reading.
