Hey, I'm new here, I've been a christian since I was 8 (I'm 16 now) and I really need advice from Christian writers, because I feel like I'm going absolutely insane. But it's a really long story that dates back to a few years ago.
So, back in 2020, my familiy was in a really tense moving situation that just seemed to keep getting worse. My sisters, mom and I were living 5 hours away from my dad at our grandparents house, and it was just an all-around a stressful situation. I found an escape there, and it was in a story I started writing. It was really cheesy, with a cliche romance and a cringey plot, but it was something I loved so intensely, and something that I could always find joy in. Over the next two years (even after we got out of our toxic living situation) I continued writing and expanding on that story. It was so much fun for me, and I'll admit, sometimes it took a lot of time and energy, and sometimes I definitley overloaded myself. But, at the same time, nothing could take away how happy I was with this story, which grew into a novel.
I had two sequels planned, along with an extensive list of complex characters and relationships that I was so excited to delve into in further books. I finished my first book after just under two years, and then started working on my second. But when i was about 3/4 of the way done with the first sequel, something threw me off.
One night, after a particularly stressful evening, I was lying in bed when I heard this voice in my head. I was sure it was God. He gave me an ultimatum: "Me or the book." I cried and argued, but eventually gave in to the voice. Then it said, "Don't worry, the plans I have for you are much better than this." And then I got the idea for a new main character. In the following days, I got ideas for more characters, and a very (VERY) vague plot line. I was so convinced that the voice in my head was God, telling me to write a new fiction novel.
The months passed, and my writing was notably slow. I had my doubts, but I didn't really voice them. I think I was in almost a "honeymoon phase" with this book. I just wrote, nonstop. And for a while, I was happy with it. It wasn't as exciting or eventful as my old novel, but I stuck by it. Eventually, I asked my friend what she thought, and she said that the pacing was a bit slow and repetitive. I kinda thought similarly, so I changed it a bit.
Finally, after months of writing, I looked back on my progress, and it was... Kinda uninpressive. I wasn't happy with it. I read through the story, and it was just so on-the-nose, so obviously trying to push a message of God. I can't even tell you if its a story I would want to read. Maybe it would be the kind of story that I would pick up, read for a little while, and then put down. I must admit, I really hate pushing agendas in writing. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, I just don't like it. In this case, it was a good message (The message of God's faithfulness) but it was so poorly executed and obvious that I didn't like it.
So, I decided to rewrite it. I started on a second draft, with a plotline that I figured readers would find more interesting. I took the original characters and placed them into a new world, with a new purpose. (The original story was about five main characters joining together with God-given abilities and freeing a bunch of kids from an abusive orphanage. The second draft was about one of the characters being a rich runaway, and the others trying to find him and get his reward price). Overall, I was much happier with the second draft. But once I started writing it, I got this inescapable feeling of dread. Thoughts like, "This isn't what you're supposed to be doing," or "You'll go to hell if you keep writing the story this way" kept repeating in my head. My progress slowed even more, because now i was trying to accomodate for those thoughts and feelings. Fear kinda just followed me wherever I took my story. I thought that voice was God, too.
So, over the past couple of months, I've been switching manically between different drafts of the story (I think there's like, 3-5 in total now). Every time I don't write in the first draft, that fear comes back. I've tried to rationalize it, I've tried to say that it's just me, but I always end up feeling like it's the Holy Spirit. It's spiralling, and progressively getting worse. I've asked tons of people about this. It's weird, because all of the people I know in real life (God-honoring, trustworthy people) are telling me that I should "Write from my heart" or "Tell whatever story I want". But then, I talk to people online, or watch videos of pastors talking, and they say to "Go where God is leading me," Implying that I should write in the first draft. I cry and I pray, but every time I do, things seem to get more muddled. I DON'T WANT TO WRITE THE FIRST DRAFT OF THIS STORY. In fact, I don't know if I even want to write this story at all. All I want is to go back and write my old story, the one that I picked up three years ago and that made me actually happy and satisfied to write. But I've tried that. Every time I write something that isn't the first draft of my badly-written storyline, I feel this overwhelming inner turmoil of rage and fear and hopelessness. I hate the first draft. But every time I think of how much I hate it, I remember how Jesus didn't want to die on the cross, but He did it out of selflessness. Am I being selfish for wanting to write something that I find enjoyable?
Also, I keep thinking that if I don't write in the first draft, then I'm going to go to hell. That my unwillingness to write it will be obvious proof that I don't really care about God. I feel paralyzed. I've barely written anything in over a month. And, I'm starting to wonder if God was even telling me to write this story in the first place, or if it was my own fear talking.
My parents are trying to encourage me to go back and write my old book series, since I clearly enjoyed that. But I'm just not sure. I really want to go back and write that again, but I'm afraid of the inner turmoil that will come with it. And, obviously, I'm afraid of going to hell over it.
I think that everyone thinks I'm crazy. I think I might be, too. I'm constantly miserable, I cry so much over this, and all I want is to write the story that I enjoy writing. Even when I'm on track, and I'm writing in the first draft of that horrible story, I have this overwhelming feeling of either, "You haven't written today, so you'd better write something, or else you're going to hell," Or "You've written today, but it wasn't enough, so you're being lazy and you're going to the fire and brimstone."
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Am I crazy? Does God tell me the stories I can and can't write? I need advice from fellow Christian writers.
So, back in 2020, my familiy was in a really tense moving situation that just seemed to keep getting worse. My sisters, mom and I were living 5 hours away from my dad at our grandparents house, and it was just an all-around a stressful situation. I found an escape there, and it was in a story I started writing. It was really cheesy, with a cliche romance and a cringey plot, but it was something I loved so intensely, and something that I could always find joy in. Over the next two years (even after we got out of our toxic living situation) I continued writing and expanding on that story. It was so much fun for me, and I'll admit, sometimes it took a lot of time and energy, and sometimes I definitley overloaded myself. But, at the same time, nothing could take away how happy I was with this story, which grew into a novel.
I had two sequels planned, along with an extensive list of complex characters and relationships that I was so excited to delve into in further books. I finished my first book after just under two years, and then started working on my second. But when i was about 3/4 of the way done with the first sequel, something threw me off.
One night, after a particularly stressful evening, I was lying in bed when I heard this voice in my head. I was sure it was God. He gave me an ultimatum: "Me or the book." I cried and argued, but eventually gave in to the voice. Then it said, "Don't worry, the plans I have for you are much better than this." And then I got the idea for a new main character. In the following days, I got ideas for more characters, and a very (VERY) vague plot line. I was so convinced that the voice in my head was God, telling me to write a new fiction novel.
The months passed, and my writing was notably slow. I had my doubts, but I didn't really voice them. I think I was in almost a "honeymoon phase" with this book. I just wrote, nonstop. And for a while, I was happy with it. It wasn't as exciting or eventful as my old novel, but I stuck by it. Eventually, I asked my friend what she thought, and she said that the pacing was a bit slow and repetitive. I kinda thought similarly, so I changed it a bit.
Finally, after months of writing, I looked back on my progress, and it was... Kinda uninpressive. I wasn't happy with it. I read through the story, and it was just so on-the-nose, so obviously trying to push a message of God. I can't even tell you if its a story I would want to read. Maybe it would be the kind of story that I would pick up, read for a little while, and then put down. I must admit, I really hate pushing agendas in writing. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, I just don't like it. In this case, it was a good message (The message of God's faithfulness) but it was so poorly executed and obvious that I didn't like it.
So, I decided to rewrite it. I started on a second draft, with a plotline that I figured readers would find more interesting. I took the original characters and placed them into a new world, with a new purpose. (The original story was about five main characters joining together with God-given abilities and freeing a bunch of kids from an abusive orphanage. The second draft was about one of the characters being a rich runaway, and the others trying to find him and get his reward price). Overall, I was much happier with the second draft. But once I started writing it, I got this inescapable feeling of dread. Thoughts like, "This isn't what you're supposed to be doing," or "You'll go to hell if you keep writing the story this way" kept repeating in my head. My progress slowed even more, because now i was trying to accomodate for those thoughts and feelings. Fear kinda just followed me wherever I took my story. I thought that voice was God, too.
So, over the past couple of months, I've been switching manically between different drafts of the story (I think there's like, 3-5 in total now). Every time I don't write in the first draft, that fear comes back. I've tried to rationalize it, I've tried to say that it's just me, but I always end up feeling like it's the Holy Spirit. It's spiralling, and progressively getting worse. I've asked tons of people about this. It's weird, because all of the people I know in real life (God-honoring, trustworthy people) are telling me that I should "Write from my heart" or "Tell whatever story I want". But then, I talk to people online, or watch videos of pastors talking, and they say to "Go where God is leading me," Implying that I should write in the first draft. I cry and I pray, but every time I do, things seem to get more muddled. I DON'T WANT TO WRITE THE FIRST DRAFT OF THIS STORY. In fact, I don't know if I even want to write this story at all. All I want is to go back and write my old story, the one that I picked up three years ago and that made me actually happy and satisfied to write. But I've tried that. Every time I write something that isn't the first draft of my badly-written storyline, I feel this overwhelming inner turmoil of rage and fear and hopelessness. I hate the first draft. But every time I think of how much I hate it, I remember how Jesus didn't want to die on the cross, but He did it out of selflessness. Am I being selfish for wanting to write something that I find enjoyable?
Also, I keep thinking that if I don't write in the first draft, then I'm going to go to hell. That my unwillingness to write it will be obvious proof that I don't really care about God. I feel paralyzed. I've barely written anything in over a month. And, I'm starting to wonder if God was even telling me to write this story in the first place, or if it was my own fear talking.
My parents are trying to encourage me to go back and write my old book series, since I clearly enjoyed that. But I'm just not sure. I really want to go back and write that again, but I'm afraid of the inner turmoil that will come with it. And, obviously, I'm afraid of going to hell over it.
I think that everyone thinks I'm crazy. I think I might be, too. I'm constantly miserable, I cry so much over this, and all I want is to write the story that I enjoy writing. Even when I'm on track, and I'm writing in the first draft of that horrible story, I have this overwhelming feeling of either, "You haven't written today, so you'd better write something, or else you're going to hell," Or "You've written today, but it wasn't enough, so you're being lazy and you're going to the fire and brimstone."
Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Am I crazy? Does God tell me the stories I can and can't write? I need advice from fellow Christian writers.
