Age gap...

[bobsgal]

I am new to this forum/site all together and I am hoping to get some really good christian advice...I believe I am in the right spot!

I am in a relationship with a man that is 24 years older than me, we have been friends for 5 years...that is what i mean by a relationship.

He is a recently divorced man that wanted a roommate and I moved into his home to rent a room...nothing else has taken place!!! Recently I have realixed that I have feeling for this wonderful man and he too has feelings for me, we have both been seriously talking about dating one another...my concern is with his worries...he is worried about what others will say, he has told me that he really cares for me but he has always been that way about any situation....he is torn with the perception of others and what he really wants.

Does anyone here have any suggestions on how i can help him get past this???

 

[Linnis]

You are over 21, so I do not see anything with the large age gap. I must admit, if you were say 18 then I may think differently.

I married a man six years my senior.

If you two decide to enter into a romantic relationship, I suggest you both discuss boundaries since you are roommates. Since you are roommates it's going to *look* bad, dating your room mate and you two are going to have to get used to people thinking things that arn't happening.

 

[Miles]

If this relationship is what he really wants, he should be able to get past what others may or may not think.

 

[halifaxhoney]

If this relationship is what he really wants, he should be able to get past what others may or may not think.

I agree with that. My boyfriend is nine years old then I am and in the beginning we were both worried about that. We talked about it and realized that us being together was worth alot more then what other people thought.

 

[bobsgal]

I am praying that things work out...he said that he truely cares for me and that i am his best friend...something that he has NEVER had...even in his marriage, he is also afraid that if it doesnt work out that he will break my heart. My response to that was, that I was willing to take that chance and hope for the best...and want to make it work!!

 

[InTheFlame]

Here's some stuff to think about (and maybe ask him) -

- WHY did his marriage break down?
- Has he healed from the hurts dealt in his marriage?
- Why has he never had a best friend? (Frankly, this is the biggest, nastiest warning sign I see. A 50yo man should know how to relate to people by now. The fact that he doesn't have male friends (or have I read that incorrectly?) screams that he has some serious relational issues. It's not necessarily a showstopper, but I think he should have that worked through, and have some male friends he can confide in, before you two get serious)
- Why does he care so much about what others think? His preoccupation with this could be immensely painful to you in the future... when you want him to be primarily considering what God thinks, and what YOU think.

 

[bobsgal]

Flame:
-The marriage ended because she left him...she stated that he was too sickly, too boring and her reasoning for walking away, she was just unhappy. Twenty seven years to just throw away because you are unhappy strikes me oddly...to find out later she was involved with someone else.
-He claims he is healed
-He was a military child...moved around alot in and out of country, and never had a chance to make too many friends for any length of time, as an adult he devoted all his time to his marriage and family, they had two kids...
-he always worried what others think, not just in this issue...in all aspects of his life...his clothes, his vehicle, his home...etc

 

[Oblivious]

First...Don't let other people's opinions dictate what you do!

My husband is 15 years older than me. So, should we have set aside our feelings for each other because someone might "stare" at us, or talk about us after we walk by? No - that's ridiculous! I think we seriously discussed the age difference once; now it's just a topic of joking because we really don't care!

IMO it's petty to worry about what people think. If you two are really serious about pursuing a relationship he needs to get over this. I obviously don't know the gentlemen but I wonder if this a "crutch" to not pursue a relationship, meaning, perhaps he's using this excuse because he's not ready, he's insecure, etc.? Please don't think I'm judging him, but to me it just sounds strange that he's so worried about this.

Anyway, best of luck whatever you both decide.

 

[bobsgal]

Thanks so much..honestly dont think you are judging him, he is the one that keeps brining up the issue not me, although he may not be ready...

I honestly dont think that he would have told me how he feels in the fist place, had he not been scared to lose me. I was intending on going in the army and when I made him aware of this matter he got really really emotional and went bazerk! Actually we both did...I was upset because i was actually going to leave his side and he was upset because he found those feeling for me. He realized it and told me about how he felt but he struggles with the age difference.....

I can tell in me that I love this man, unconditionally...I have told him that if it is something that he struggles with then maybe it would be in our best interest that we just keep this thing totally platonic....

 

[InTheFlame]

BG - I know this might sound horrible, but I think you should leave the area for at least 3 months, and contact him once a week at the most. See what happens. It can be a good way to test a relationship and make sure it's healthy, too... you should be capable of doing it, AND miss him. If you can't cope without him (or vice versa), or you don't miss him... there's probably something about the relationship that isn't healthy. Does that make sense?

 

[bobsgal]

i am taking a ten day vacaition real soon with out him, maybe that is a start

 

[JesusWasn'tWhite]

Consider this..
The two possible outcomes of a relationship are as follows:
a) you break up (this can end good, or bad, either way, you're still broken up)
b) you get married

So, let's say that you get married.
If my calculations are correct, he's 50 years old. You're 26.
If he lives to 80, you will be 56 years old.
If you do not intend to remarry when you become widowed, will you be content being alone from the time you are 56 until you die?
I guess, I wonder how much people think about this when they consider dating someone much older. If you marry, you may be providing direct care for him within 20 to 25 years. Would you be satisfied with that?

I don't mean to rag down on you, these are just things I have thought about.

 

[bobsgal]

I have full intentions of taking care of him in any way possible, this is not my first age gap relationship...I have been previously married, hence this sort of thing is not new to ME, I do thank you for that input though...honestly any and all is much appreciated!

 

[pegatha]

Given that he has no other close friends, that he's overly preoccupied with what other people think of him, and that he went ballistic when you suggested that you might leave him to pursue the career you wanted, I think he sounds very insecure. Frankly, that worries me more than the age gap itself. From your description, it sounds like his affection for you is driven primarily by his own neediness, and I just don't believe that that level of need is a good basis for a marriage.

It also worries me that you would be so quick to abandon your dream (joining the army) for a man you haven't known all that long.

I agree that you should move out of the house, and then take a good long time to think this through. There are just too many red flags in what you're describing.

 

[jferrell1211]

well--I'm close to this guys age---I'll give you my thoughts---

1st off --

He is a recently divorced man

how recently? it takes time to get over such a thing---especially after 27 yrs!

people can say they are healed and not realize deeper effects & wounds---

most "experts" -- and I know they don't know everything---
they say anything inside of 2 years is a "rebound" relationship....

secondly---age gaps---

the older the youngest party is --- the less difference the gap makes -- generally----

you should try to define some boundaries-----do some research----you can never make blanket assumptions or standards---one size never fits all -- but-- knowledge can;t hurt much---other peoples experiences may open your eyes to things you don;t see right now--

if I were to set arbitrary standards--- for age gap maximums-- they might look like the following---

youngest party -- age <= 20 max allowed diff 3 yrs
youngest party -- age >20 and <= 25 max allowed diff 3 yrs
youngest party -- age >20 and <= 25 max allowed diff 5 yrs
youngest party -- age >25 and <= 30 max allowed diff 10 yrs
youngest party -- age >30 and <= 40 max allowed diff 15 yrs
youngest party -- age >40 --- well, the sky's the limit <g>

good luck

 

[bobsgal]

Pegatha, uhm....there NEVER was talk of marriage, the entire topic is about dating, he is recently divorced and actually neither one of us is ready for marriage again!

 

[bobsgal]

jferrell.....

thanks !

well--I'm close to this guys age---I'll give you my thoughts---

1st off --



how recently? it takes time to get over such a thing---especially after 27 yrs!

people can say they are healed and not realize deeper effects & wounds---

most "experts" -- and I know they don't know everything---
they say anything inside of 2 years is a "rebound" relationship....

His divorce was final in January and it has JUST been a year that the ex left him. Upon several deep conversations I have decided to let a sleeping dog lie. ...he is now making an atempt to seek professional help for depression.....I think that is the step in the right direction, I told him that we could be placed on the back burner first..and that the underlying problem needed to be taken care of first......I have always felt that one cannot make another happy until they are first happy with them selves....so how could he attempt to be happy with me if he was not first happy with him self??

 

[charligirl]

I am married to a man 13 years older than me so I understand about age gaps and I know that it differs for each couple as to whether it is/could be a problem, age in istelf is not an issue, and in your case there are many other red flags, which have already been raised.

When I was single I flat shared with a single man.. from experience living in close proximity like that can very often lead to emotions and feelings that are quite intense and not the lasting real deal, I would actually never recommend it to any 2 single people of the opposite sex, particularly if there is lonliness or hurt involved. In your case you are both divorced so will have a desire for companionship and comfort, he in particular with it being so recent and raw( and after 27 years of marriage) is extremely vulnreable.. it is the perfect recipie for a co-dependent and quite unhealthy relationship to form... which can feel intense and real but in fact is just two people meeting each other's pain - not always healthy.

From what you have said my advice would be to get out and go into the army as you were planning (or at the very least move away), he can get the healing and help he needs and you can get a clearer objective view. If he is indeed the right one for you then the break will not pull you further apart but draw you together and put this into perspective, if it's not the army then move out and find somewhere else to live because this is not a healthy living arrangement any more.

 

[Egghead]

He is torn for a good reason, and I'd say you need to reconsider this relationship..

You two are at very different points in your life. That is the major problem with relationships that include a significant age gap. The two people are at completely different stages of life and are rarely on the same pgae..

Sorry to disagree, but my wife is nearly 20 years younger than me and we get along great.
We have tons in common and play around the house like two kids.
The age gap is a moot point if they are compatible and care about each other.

Also I question the motives of a 50 year old who wants to date a 26 yerar old.

I find this very offensive.
My wife and I havent even had sex yet because of her fears of it.
An older man is far more capable of being in control of his sexual desires than some 25 year old kid who cant keep his pants on.
Not that you meant it that way.

And yes, there is going to be PLENTY of stares from the community.

Interesting...almost 2 decades difference here, enough that people could notice.....not a single stare yet. Well, except for the occasional guy I catch checking out her backside.
Good thing Im a christian now, wouldnt want to gouge out anyones leering eyes...

If you want to persue this, I think your first step is to move out.

Very sound advice, get some distance then see how she feels

See, Im not just out to disagree with you

I think its a terrible idea,

Why?
My wife needed an older, more mature man.
Theres nothing wrong with that, its a personal decision.
In fact, not very long ago the practice was very common.

150-200 years ago most likely YOU would have been half your husbands age.




to the OP;

First...Don't let other people's opinions dictate what you do!

Listen to everyones advice, then do the above

 

[Beth1231]

Egghead, this might sound a bit strange but the one part of your post that jumped out at me was "not some 25 year old kid who can't keep his pants on". How can you make a patronizing comment like that and not see your wife as "a kid" also? I"m not trying to insult you or point a finger. I'm just curious. I find that guys and girls who are even ten years older than me try to be patronizing at times. Although I'm fairly sure you aren't like that with your wife, how do you avoid it? I can't help but look at a 18 year old guy and think thoughts like "kid who hasn't grown up yet" most of the time. I guess that's why I'm asking that. I married a man who is three years older, so I'm curious about the thought process of a marriage like the one you are in.