A common problem in marriages

[LinkH]

I will say though if someone is having sex twice a week just to protect the marriage, it won't end well. Sex just becomes a act at that point. Its no longer an emotional bonding love filled thing.

I wouldn't agree with that. It does sound like a drag just to be on the receiving end of 'duty sex'. But let's say there is a husband and wife who don't have the same sex drive. Partner A is always saying 'no', then reads I Corinthians 7, and decides to stop that. Partner A sees that Partner B is happy with sex twice a week, even though Partner A only gets the urge about twice a month. So Partner A puts their whole hearts into pleasing Partner B as an act of love without any kind of resentment. It's all very passionate. Partner A actually gets into the act and enjoys it after a few minutes, anyway, but just requires some warm-up time for that.

I don't see that as leading to divorce.

 

[KwanLove]

I wouldn't agree with that. It does sound like a drag just to be on the receiving end of 'duty sex'. But let's say there is a husband and wife who don't have the same sex drive. Partner A is always saying 'no', then reads I Corinthians 7, and decides to stop that. Partner A sees that Partner B is happy with sex twice a week, even though Partner A only gets the urge about twice a month. So Partner A puts their whole hearts into pleasing Partner B as an act of love without any kind of resentment. It's all very passionate. Partner A actually gets into the act and enjoys it after a few minutes, anyway, but just requires some warm-up time for that.

I don't see that as leading to divorce.

You're assuming that Partner A will "warm up" to the sexual acts and eventually enjoy them, but I'm not sure if this is the case. If someone has a low sex drive, that means they may not be physically or mentally comfortable with more frequent sex.

I'm curious as to your thoughts on partners requesting specific sexual acts. If both partners have an equivalent sex drive, but one partner wishes for something they specifically find pleasurable (not going to go into details, use your imagination), should the other partner concede even if they find it to be mentally or physically uncomfortable? What if the partner wishing for something specific feels hurt and rejected that the other partner will not do this?

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I wouldn't agree with that. It does sound like a drag just to be on the receiving end of 'duty sex'. But let's say there is a husband and wife who don't have the same sex drive. Partner A is always saying 'no', then reads I Corinthians 7, and decides to stop that. Partner A sees that Partner B is happy with sex twice a week, even though Partner A only gets the urge about twice a month. So Partner A puts their whole hearts into pleasing Partner B as an act of love without any kind of resentment. It's all very passionate. Partner A actually gets into the act and enjoys it after a few minutes, anyway, but just requires some warm-up time for that.

I don't see that as leading to divorce.

I do agree that not fulfilling your duty is bad. But only as in the other person does not want to have sex in any way shape or form and makes every excuse not to just because they don't want it. With the exception of medial issues of course like pain in that region, unable to "get happy"...etc. And I think its true that even if the person with the smaller drive doesn't want sex alot, the sex that is had still likely feels good to them. So there at least some connection. Unless of course that person is feeling pain and being guilted into having sex despite their pain. Respect is needed when it comes to sex. I don't think any of it should lead to divorce. If worse comes to worse the couple should see a counselor. And if that doesn't help then they have to accept sex is not the thing alone that holds a marriage together (even if it hurts to accept that).

I'm curious as to your thoughts on partners requesting specific sexual acts. If both partners have an equivalent sex drive, but one partner wishes for something they specifically find pleasurable (not going to go into details, use your imagination), should the other partner concede even if they find it to be mentally or physically uncomfortable? What if the partner wishing for something specific feels hurt and rejected that the other partner will not do this?

Of course. While most anything is ok to do between a couple, it doesn't mean the other person has to like it. Every couple has things they like or don't like. Forcing someone to like it or getting mad if they don't want to try is bad. Both must respect each others wishes. I mean sure its hard to deal with if someone doesn't want to try something, but you will get over it eventually. Because that one thing is not the only way to enjoy each other. From what I've seen as time goes on, sometimes one person that didn't want to try something may be willing to try later in the marriage to get that spark back so sex doesn't become a chore.

 

[mkgal1]

Couples shouldn't be having lots of sex while there is unforgiveness or anger because they shouldn't let these things be in the relationship for a long time. If one of them feels uncared-for, they need to talk that out and make some changes.

That all sounds good in theory. The problem is that often if a person brings up feeling uncared for it can often happen that the other spouse can have an attitude of "just get over it" and never does any changing of their own (maybe even using your phrase, "these things shouldn't be in the relationship for a long time"). If the original behavior never changes (what caused a person to feel uncared for).....it's not that one is holding a grudge or being unforgiving, it's that the same [hurtful] behavior is continuing and ongoing.

 

[faroukfarouk]

You're assuming that Partner A will "warm up" to the sexual acts and eventually enjoy them, but I'm not sure if this is the case. If someone has a low sex drive, that means they may not be physically or mentally comfortable with more frequent sex.

I'm curious as to your thoughts on partners requesting specific sexual acts. If both partners have an equivalent sex drive, but one partner wishes for something they specifically find pleasurable (not going to go into details, use your imagination), should the other partner concede even if they find it to be mentally or physically uncomfortable? What if the partner wishing for something specific feels hurt and rejected that the other partner will not do this?

I think it's important to remember the value of a great deal of affection and patience.

 

[mkgal1]

I think it's important to remember the value of a great deal of affection and patience.

Amen. BTW...."affection" isn't always physical touch---it can merely mean compassion and kindness. I don't believe anyone is ever NOT in the mood to be on the receiving end of those traits when they are sincere and genuine (unless they are a sociopath).